Absent Father

[worlybear]

Just watched another xmas family-based movie with my daughter (9) at her school this evening. She was very,very quiet on the way home and when I asked why, she said that she missed the daddy she used to have.

I told her that she would still have a good xmas and that her brothers and sister would be home. Before I could suggest that she saw her Dad, she said that she still didn't want to see him, she just missed what he once was.

He has sent xmas gifts for her via my oldest son (which she knows about.)

She feels second best- and to be honest I can see why, he has chosen to live with OW and her daughter (a former friend of my daughter's) and has made very little effort to see her.

Privately, I think the gifts are just a gesture to ease his conscience.

I could never hurt a child in this way,especially my own.

We will have a good xmas despite everything.

I wish he could see how much he has hurt her.

[Linda9999]

I hear you. Hugs. My three grew up without their dad - he moved several provinces away and now currently owes over $40,000 in child support. He never even sent gifts despite promising them they would. Many, many times I had to kiss away the tears after he broke yet another promise.

 

They're 21, 19 and 16 1/2 now, and they have all written him totally off. They have me and current hubby, and the ex has a huge hole where his heart should be.

[Gunny376]

Give me a break here!

 

I gave that bleeding heart everything from a 12 year marriage ~ and I'm still a Bastard!

 

She screamed "You kept the hamper! The atificial firm! All of casedites and CD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I bought them all and worked TWO jobs to earn mose of them!)

 

That' what I got out of twelve years of marriage!

 

Sex,the occosssional and rare elusive blow job! Rare and elusive as it was!

 

And women in thier Fifties wonder WHY thier alone with just their cats and kittens?

[Citizen Erased]

Give me a break here!

 

I gave that bleeding heart everything from a 12 year marriage ~ and I'm still a Bastard!

 

She screamed "You kept the hamper! The atificial firm! All of casedites and CD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I bought them all and worked TWO jobs to earn mose of them!)

 

That' what I got out of twelve years of marriage!

 

Sex,the occosssional and rare elusive blow job! Rare and elusive as it was!

 

And women in thier Fifties wonder WHY thier alone with just their cats and kittens?

 

What exactly has that got to do with being an absent father?

[hART]

wait a second gunny, I take it you are either joking or are the father. Sex and the past relationship with your wife have nothing to do with kids. My mother was horrible to my father, they still talk and I saw my dad. Having a father figure is very important for a child's development. This is one of the many reasons I don't have kids...

[tinktronik]

OP have you tried contacting your ex yo arrange a X-mas visit with your daughter. She will never have your family as a unit but that's no reason why she can't have her dad. She's 9, she reaqlly should not be the one deciding wether or not she sees her dad.

[worlybear]

OP have you tried contacting your ex yo arrange a X-mas visit with your daughter. She will never have your family as a unit but that's no reason why she can't have her dad. She's 9, she reaqlly should not be the one deciding wether or not she sees her dad.

Actually I think she has every right to decide whether she wants to see her father or not- she is articulate,intelligent and hurting. Why should she accept being 2nd best?

He moved away from the area and has made minimal attempts to contact her. He has both my home and mobile number and never rings her. He refused to give any phone contact details so she can't ring him.

I am certainly not going to force her to see him against her wishes. As time goes on she may feel differently but right now she feels massively betrayed.

Gunny, I didn't really understand what you were posting?

I don't know your circumstances but in my daughter's case I am not preventing her from seeing her Dad- she simply doesn't want to see him.

[tinktronik]

Actually I think she has every right to decide whether she wants to see her father or not- she is articulate,intelligent and hurting. Why should she accept being 2nd best?

He moved away from the area and has made minimal attempts to contact her. He has both my home and mobile number and never rings her. He refused to give any phone contact details so she can't ring him.

I am certainly not going to force her to see him against her wishes. As time goes on she may feel differently but right now she feels massively betrayed.

Gunny, I didn't really understand what you were posting?

I don't know your circumstances but in my daughter's case I am not preventing her from seeing her Dad- she simply doesn't want to see him.

 

You may be right that she is betrayed, ect and that he seriously needs to step up his contact (he may well be at fault here) but still, regardless how articulate and intelligent a child may be 9 is not old enough to make the decision.

 

I would suggest a good therapist to help your daughter work out her feelings about her dad leaving and the situation now with her being a part of two families and not just one.

[worlybear]

You may be right that she is betrayed, ect and that he seriously needs to step up his contact (he may well be at fault here) but still, regardless how articulate and intelligent a child may be 9 is not old enough to make the decision.

 

I would suggest a good therapist to help your daughter work out her feelings about her dad leaving and the situation now with her being a part of two families and not just one.

 

She already has a family, she has no need to be an unwanted part of somebody else's.

 

 

I have taught for thirty years and I can state categorically that the idea that children “get over it” is an urban myth perpetuated by guilty adults. They simply learn to cope.

 

 

IME counsellors are a waste of space and achieve very little of benefit in these kinds of situations, as they are so constrained by P.C behaviour.

 

 

She went from seeing her her father both at home and at school 24/7 (where I also taught and which she attended) to having no contact in the past year.

 

 

Due to his MLC we have had to move home and she has had to move schools because she was caught up in the humiliation of his very public affair which ultimately cost him his headship.

 

 

During the last two years, as he has decided to provide a home for the OW and her daughter, his natural family has been forced to move and accept state help because he has refused to contribute to the mortgage/debts/loans/bills etc.

 

 

9 year olds are not stupid, and my daughter is very aware of the ongoing upheaval in her life.

 

 

WTF would she want to be part of a family which destroyed hers? She may change her mind at a later date, but I respect her decision and will not force her to see him against her will. I totally understand her sadness at looking back to her “old” loving dad prior to his MLC.

[tinktronik]

She already has a family, she has no need to be an unwanted part of somebody else's.

 

 

I have taught for thirty years and I can state categorically that the idea that children “get over it” is an urban myth perpetuated by guilty adults. They simply learn to cope.

 

 

IME counsellors are a waste of space and achieve very little of benefit in these kinds of situations, as they are so constrained by P.C behaviour.

 

 

She went from seeing her her father both at home and at school 24/7 (where I also taught and which she attended) to having no contact in the past year.

 

 

Due to his MLC we have had to move home and she has had to move schools because she was caught up in the humiliation of his very public affair which ultimately cost him his headship.

 

 

During the last two years, as he has decided to provide a home for the OW and her daughter, his natural family has been forced to move and accept state help because he has refused to contribute to the mortgage/debts/loans/bills etc.

 

 

9 year olds are not stupid, and my daughter is very aware of the ongoing upheaval in her life.

 

 

WTF would she want to be part of a family which destroyed hers? She may change her mind at a later date, but I respect her decision and will not force her to see him against her will. I totally understand her sadness at looking back to her “old” loving dad prior to his MLC.

So are you expecting your daughter to cope with this on her own? Do you expect to be her coping partner? If so how do you intend to do so without passing on biased or malicious feelings?

[worlybear]

So are you expecting your daughter to cope with this on her own? Do you expect to be her coping partner? If so how do you intend to do so without passing on biased or malicious feelings?

Of course not! She has a very close relationship with her older siblings (all grown up ) and positive role models to follow.

She is also able to chat with a trusted teacher at school and knows that the converstion will be private. I do have feedback but it is deliberately not specific from the recipient teacher and as long as she feels ok chatting and it helps her, then that's fine.

She obviously talks to me about him but I try to keep my input minimal and low-level, but I refuse to tell her lies as she's heard enough already.

For example, the other day she stated that perhaps her Daddy wasn't living with another family and I was just very matter of fact and told her that he was. She replied she didn't like it and I just said that sadly, sometimes things change and we have to learn to deal with them,even if it's not what we want.

I save my venom and anger for him and post on LS! I'm not a saint!

But I will be there for my daughter.

[2010_Sorry]

I agree with tinktonik here. I'm certain that your daughter is hurting, and rightfully so... it sounds like her dad is making some really bad decisions.

 

However, as hard as it is for you right now to set aside your feelings about her dad, you have to really be supportive of her relationship with him. She could grow up with major problems finding love in other men if her relationship with her dad is not repaired. Granted, this is NOT 100% your responsibility, but you want to look back at this experience and say that you did everything that you could do for their relationship. This man is an ex-husband for you... you will get over what happened to you, your daughter however can not... this is her dad... there is no changing that.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh here, I've been there... and I know how tough it is to see your children hurting.

[whichwayisup]

My heart hurts for your daughter. She misses her daddy, being the apple of his eye, seeing him every day and getting the love she deserves from him. I'm sure she feels like she's second fiddle to the Ow and his step daughter.

And that must hurt like hell.

 

Just love her and make her feel special and cared for. Hopefully one day your ex will realize what a big mistake he's made by not putting his kids needs first before his own.

[worlybear]

My heart hurts for your daughter. She misses her daddy, being the apple of his eye, seeing him every day and getting the love she deserves from him. I'm sure she feels like she's second fiddle to the Ow and his step daughter.

And that must hurt like hell.

Thanks for that. She deserves better than he is giving her. I asked her yesterday if she wanted to see him/speak to him but she declined. She is a great kid and doesn't deserve to be sidelined like this. We shall just have to see what 2011 brings!

[QueenVictoria]

Actually I think she has every right to decide whether she wants to see her father or not- she is articulate,intelligent and hurting. Why should she accept being 2nd best?

He moved away from the area and has made minimal attempts to contact her. He has both my home and mobile number and never rings her. He refused to give any phone contact details so she can't ring him.

I am certainly not going to force her to see him against her wishes. As time goes on she may feel differently but right now she feels massively betrayed.

Gunny, I didn't really understand what you were posting?

I don't know your circumstances but in my daughter's case I am not preventing her from seeing her Dad- she simply doesn't want to see him.

 

hi worlybear - i think your daughter is mirror how you feel -

[worlybear]

hi worlybear - i think your daughter is mirror how you feel -

Yes,probably - I am deeply disappointed that a man who works in such a caring profession as a teacher, is able to cast off his daughter without a backward glance.

How is she supposed to feel about that?

I have tried the usual approach of suggesting she writes to him/phones him or meets him but she is very astute and replies that if he wanted to see her, he would contact her,not the other way round. And I can't and won't lie because she's absolutely right!

He did send a couple of gifts at christmas and after a lot of prevarication on my daughter's part, I persuaded her to email her thanks (out of politeness.)

He did respond (one line) and suggested he could email her sometimes?

She's not interested. She doesn't want to know about his fun new life without her-why should she?

I've just let the matter drop for the moment.

But it makes my blood boil that he treats her this way.

He is equally indifferent to our older children too.

My other daughter at uni (and working a job) is struggling due to the usual financial mess up with student loans not arriving on time. When, in desperation she asked her Dad to loan some help, he sent her £20.........

Yet he is quite happy to look after OW'S daughter.

WTF is the matter with this man! Has his brain gone AWOL with his conscience?

And before anyone asks- I have now got 2 terms work and once my pay is sorted I will help my daughter.

I'm not asking for myself- but surely even he must realise he has a moral obligation to help his own kids.

I know I should rise above it- but I really hope that things don't work out for him and his new family- but I'll probably never know!

[alizawine]

I was feeling sad because i been married a brit amn n i am in philippines.WE have a growing son now age 11 months old and until now his father not even able to see him personally and its very sad thinking he miss his father's love n his father same to him miss the time he still lil one..