New here, dumped after 3 years

[Digs in Dirt]

I'm hurting. A Lot. I'm looking for support and help on how to move forward after losing my boyfriend of 3 years.

 

C and I got involved immediately after leaving our marriages. In the beginning, he wanted the relationship to move forward faster than I did. I wanted to have some time alone after my marriage, but because I was afraid to lose him, I stayed in our relationship. He was very needy and had a lot of insecurities. I supported him through his times of anxiety. After a couple of years, I needed some space and a way to "find myself", feeling that I had never really dealt with the end of my marriage (7 years and one child), so I bought a house (we had been living in the same building). He was devastated. He had wanted us to buy a house together, and it was a real slap in his face that I bought a house on my own. I assured him that it wasn't an end to us, just something that I had to do.

 

A few months ago he bought a house, with secret hopes that I would love it and want to move in. I did love the house, and thought about moving in, maybe next spring. We've had a lot of fights about why I wouldn't move in right away, and now he's decided that he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet, and not be obsessed about our relationship and so afraid to live without me. He's tired of the anxiety, tired of the fighthing. He hopes that if we go our own seperate ways, he'll become a stronger person, and we can have a better relationship down the road.

 

Over the past few weeks he's come back, wanting to work it out, and then a few days later saying he needs to break it off completely because being half in and half out of a relationship is killing him. We've done this dance now for a couple of months. Each time he says he needs to remove me completely from his life, I am devastated. You'd think it would get easier each time, but it doesn't. I called in sick today because I was so devastated - last night he again decided that he had to have a complete break....this just days after he said he wanted to keep me in his life because I am the woman he wants to be with.

 

It seems that when he gets lonely and anxious, he calls on me. When he's having fun and feeling good, he wants me out of his life.

 

He sent me an email today saying that he didn't want to spend all of his time worrying about our relationship and where it's going, etc, and that he had to learn to stand on his own two feet, and that he has no doubt that we'll be together again, but right now we need to stop contact with one another and each concentrate on ourselves. He doesn't know when we'll be together again.

 

How the hell am I supposed to move on, without holding out hope that we'll be together again?? How do I let go?? I am afraid that he'll do his soul work, get emotionally healthy and strong, but by then we'll have grown apart and he'll forget about me, and go on to enjoy his new emotional wellbeing with someone else.

 

How do I let go if I want to reconcile down the road? How can he let go if he wants the same thing?

 

We both have a lot of work to do on ourselves. We both have attachment and abandonment issues, we are both insecure and have issues with jealousy. We both lost our friends in the divorce. Neither one of us have anyone else to talk to about our breakup. We're both afraid of being alone.

 

I am scared that he will realize that it wasn't love, but rather a fear of being alone, that has kept hiim with me this long. I'm afraid he won't come back.

 

I'm a wreck. HELP!

[J0N]

I think at bare minimum you guys shouldn't see each other for a while. Tell him that your going to step back and sort things out in your life first. You may realize during this time that your better off, in which case show him the door for good. You may also realize that absence makes the heart grow fonder and there is really something special there. I wouldn't date somebody out of fear of being alone as the saying goes "Dont make a deal just to make a deal" this could lead to a pretty unhealthy relationship

[SincereOnlineGuy]

It sounds as if the cornerstone to that relationship was mutual lack of emotional health.

 

That simply isn't a setting in which you want to place yourself long-term.

 

The fact that you "got involved immediately after leaving your (respective) marriages" is a very poor report on the potential for long-term success between the two of you.

 

Hopefully you can afford to be single for a while, get back on track, perhaps even with a therapist, and only then venture into any sort of dating.

[Digs in Dirt]

For some reason I couldn't get back on this forum until tonight. Time to upgrade my computer. Anyway, thank you for the replies.

 

A few days after posting this, he came back and said he wanted to try to work it out, that we could go to counselling and he was committed to making it work. I reluctantly agreed. I was afraid of getting hurt again. He spent the next week trying to get close to me, but I just couldn't open up to him, trust him. Sure enough, we had a fight and he needed time again. I told him to take two weeks and think about what he wanted. I said that we would not contact one another during the two weeks. He agreed.

 

I got a couple of texts about how much he was hurting and missing me, but I held firm in my no-contact rule. Then on Christmas Eve we made arrangements to exchange gifts. He came over and hung out for awhile, telling me that he didn't want me to be alone on Christmas Eve. I assured him that I was fine. When he left, he kissed me very passionately. I let him leave without it leading to anything.

 

On Christmas Day - yesterday - he invited me to his mother's house for Christmas dinner. I declined, but I did stop by for a minute to give his mom a gift. He gave me several kisses. Last night he texted me goodnight and that he loved me. I couldn't take it anymore, my heart was breaking, so this morning I texted him that I had to end it. I couldn't wait for two weeks, I had to end it now. That led to a pretty emotional day of texting where he said that he just doesn't think it's going to work. I was so hurt that I made a complete ASS of myself with texts and phone messages asking WHY. I also got mad and texted things I wish I hadn't of texted. Now I feel like a fool and I'm afraid I've pushed him away for good. He is not taking my calls, responding to texts, etc.

 

I am seeing a therapist, and it's helping me a lot. It's ironic.... the therapist is helping me with things that would have made such a difference to our relationship.

 

I'm really reeling from this. How could he, A WEEK AGO for God's sake, be so adamant that we try again, and go to counselling, and now be so adamant that it's not going to work?!!? We had a fight, yes. We both have trust issues, dependency issues, no question. But I want to work on my issues WITH him in my life, not without.

 

He is the first man I have ever opened my heart to. I was not close at all to my husband (a big part of the reason the marriage failed), or to any man before that. What we had was different (I know it's a cliche, but it is true). It was special. We both knew it. We had a LOT going for our relationship (that was the reason that he gave for wanting to give it a shot last week... that we had more good than bad). So why doesn't he want to try anymore? And how do I move on?? I feel like I will NEVER find someone like him again, never love like that again. I feel so STUPID because I am an intelligent woman who has been single plenty and done FINE on my own, and here I am feeling and acting like a lovesick teenager.

 

I'm terrified, and in a tremendous amount of pain and just don't know what to do next. I can't send another WHYYYY email, text or phone message. I'm alone - not close to my family and have no close friends to talk to. I'm feeling like a nutcase. I feel pathetic!!!