Do you want to talk to the OW/OM?

[booinlove]

My husband wants to have a talk with the OM. I do not understand his need for this, but if it is going to help him and our relationship then I want him to do it. However, I do not want want it to become physical, as in a fight. For the most part, I do not believe that either one of them would throw a punch, but I do not guarantee it because there is a lot of hurt. OM says that husband is welcome to call him and he will meet with him if that is what he wants.

 

Have any of you who have been betrayed met up with the OW/OM? If so, what was it that you needed to get out of your talk/meeting with them?

 

I love both of these men dearly but am choosing to work on my marriage. I know it will be hard and husband and I do not do well with hard stuff. Hope we can get through this.

[ShatteredReality]

My H went to my work and spoke with my OM. This was two years ago already - he said it was a need to assert himself. To make sure this guy knew what he'd be doing if he contacted me again. To understand that he is a person and this guy would be intentionally hurting him if he were to try to continue things with me. I suspect he wanted to fight for "what was his" also. It makes them feel like Men to stand up and protect what's theirs...they can't help the damage done already since they didn't know it was happening, but they can try to prevent it from happening further. I stipulated no fighting also, but let him go talk to the guy...I mean...it's the risk we take when we have affairs right? We're not just in a relationship with this person - but also we're dragging our H or his W into it also...

[Owl]

I had a phone conversation with OM. My intent was to get him to stop and think, since (at that time) my wife wasn't doing so.

 

Honestly, it was a waste of time and effort.

 

Had we met in person, it very likely would have ended up very, very badly.

 

My suggestion is this...if you try to talk your H out of it, you will make it seem like you're siding with/protecting OM...which is likely to seriously hamper any attempt you may be making at recovering your marriage. Or he'll think you're trying to hide something from him...equally bad.

 

Suggest to your H that they talk on the phone instead...or if he has to meet this guy, do so in a public place where neither man is likely to escalate to physical violence.

 

Make sure that your H knows that you're not doing this to "protect" anyone, but to avoid any potential problems that could arise since this is such a volatile situation.

 

The meeting isn't likely to resolve anything, but trying to prevent the meeting is very likely to do more damage (if you're trying to save your marriage that is).

[East7]

IMO you should let them talk but not in person like Owl said.

 

If your H wants to talk to OM that's probably because

1/either he wants to put the boundaries,

2/or have the OM's side of the story which means he doesn't fully trust your version.

 

It is positive for closure but it will probably be detrimental for you because OM will keep the "she loves me" line (which sounds true as you say you love them both).

[What_Next]

This came up in my situation. It happened not long after I gave her a second chance. One day I decided I wanted to contact him. She resisted. In fact too much so IMHO. I still feel as though she was protecting him. Her answer was that he was behind her and she wanted to keep him there. I let her know that it might have been the case that he was, but he was in MY present. She agreed that I could contact him if I wished.

 

I feel that the BS should be able to contact the OM/OW if they so choose. There should be NO resistance on the part of the WS. None whatsoever.

 

I am not going to contact him (at least that is how I feel right now), but that might change. There is little chance it will be a face to face, because if it was I KNOW it would end up real bad. That does me little good.

[wicar1]

May be he wanted to know how OM looked like. He needs to know what made you attracted to OM so much? What could have made you throw away your marriage, cheat on your H, disrespect him?

 

He must be asking the question... "How is he better than me" or "Is he" ?

 

[wicar1]

My H went to my work and spoke with my OM. This was two years ago already - he said it was a need to assert himself. To make sure this guy knew what he'd be doing if he contacted me again. To understand that he is a person and this guy would be intentionally hurting him if he were to try to continue things with me. I suspect he wanted to fight for "what was his" also. It makes them feel like Men to stand up and protect what's theirs...they can't help the damage done already since they didn't know it was happening, but they can try to prevent it from happening further. I stipulated no fighting also, but let him go talk to the guy...I mean...it's the risk we take when we have affairs right? We're not just in a relationship with this person - but also we're dragging our H or his W into it also...

 

- It makes them feel like Men to stand up and protect what's theirs..

That is bu****** . He is protecting his priceless possession which is his spouse, the person who cheated on him. If some guy did meet OM to protect his wife from getting stolen then he is a loser. Is she/ he worth it?

 

Is a cheater so precious that he/she needs to be protected?? A cheater never gets forced into affairs by OM/OW. They choose to cheat .... So is it worthy protecting someone like that? It's always better to let go the cheater, I mean dump.

[Dexter Morgan]

My husband wants to have a talk with the OM. I do not understand his need for this, but if it is going to help him and our relationship then I want him to do it. However, I do not want want it to become physical, as in a fight.

 

if your husband is smart, he'll keep his cool.

 

and if he wants to fight the OM, then he should have similar desires about you...not saying he would want to physically harm you, but if he is mad enough at OM to want to give him a beatdown, then his anger towards you in a different way should be double.

 

 

Have any of you who have been betrayed met up with the OW/OM? If so, what was it that you needed to get out of your talk/meeting with them?

 

I met up with the OM, but not because i wanted to,...... because I didn't want to.

 

we were in the process of getting a divorce and all I wanted was to be left alone by x-wife and other man. X gives OM my cell # and he calls me and tries to talk tough...so I told him I'm not talking to him on the phone and I'll be coming to see him. He didn't think I would face him.

 

 

I love both of these men dearly

 

then I feel sorry for your husband. he deserves someone that loves only him.

 

too bad I couldn't take him out for a beer and straighten him out.

[bentnotbroken]

I had a face to face with OW more than once...it worked to my satisfaction. I only got really pissed one time but we weren't alone.

[ShatteredReality]

- It makes them feel like Men to stand up and protect what's theirs..

That is bu****** . He is protecting his priceless possession which is his spouse, the person who cheated on him. If some guy did meet OM to protect his wife from getting stolen then he is a loser. Is she/ he worth it?

 

Is a cheater so precious that he/she needs to be protected?? A cheater never gets forced into affairs by OM/OW. They choose to cheat .... So is it worthy protecting someone like that? It's always better to let go the cheater, I mean dump.

 

You're entitled to your opinion. I am also allowed mine. However - what I said is something my H said to me after the fact. Perhaps I needed to change my wording - I meant no sexism or disrespect in the comment. He said at the time that he felt by sitting by and doing nothing he was letting his manhood be stripped from him, that he wasn't even putting up a fight for the family he loved and wanted and by going and talking to the guy he was at least making his presence a reality that the guy couldn't avoid. As a woman, I would feel it was my right to confront the OW as well, so, after putting myself in his position, I did not fight him at all on the matter - out of respect for him and his need to work through this thing that I had done. I only told him not to get into a physical altercation as A - it was at my work and B - we didn't need to add any jail time to the roster of things we were already coping with.

 

I am very glad that not everyone shares your opinion - everyone makes mistakes and it's nice to know that some people out there are able to help us see our way back from a very dark place and make the improvements that need to be made to become whole again after all the slivers of ourselves we've abandoned and left behind due to lack of self respect, lack of dignity, or out of plain selfishness. You should never knock another persons choice to stay - unless of course you're completely ok with them taking the big decisions you make with your life and tearing them to pieces.

 

The Poster here was asking a valid question, she wanted opions and answers to help her through this - my words weren't strictly my own - they were how my H felt at the time - which is what she asked for. So sorry you feel I am not worth a fight and that he made a mistake - I feel that way sometimes too. He reminds me that if I say that, though, that I am demeaning his choice to stay with me and I must love MYSELF more than that in order to validate HIS love for me. He DESERVES that...and more...

[wicar1]

First of all, I meant no offense in my post and it's not about you... it was general.

 

I am very glad that not everyone shares your opinion - everyone makes mistakes and it's nice to know that some people out there are able to help us see our way back from a very dark place and make the improvements that need to be made to become whole again after all the slivers of ourselves we've abandoned and left behind due to lack of self respect, lack of dignity, or out of plain selfishness.

It is not important if everyone or anyone shares my opinion at all. I am not running for president. I said what I thought was right. People dont share my opinion does not mean I am wrong nor it means I am 100% correct. I ve seen many posters regretting their decision to stay with a cheater. I ve seen many in real world too. Also...

Cheating is not a mistake !!!

 

You should never knock another persons choice to stay - unless of course you're completely ok with them taking the big decisions you make with your life and tearing them to pieces.

I dont have the power to influence someone out of their relationship... trust me if I did have the power, cheaters wont get any second chances. As I said before I tell them what I think is best for them. I was in the same BS boat too, I know the pain. .... In the long run may be you will understand....

 

The Poster here was asking a valid question, she wanted opions and answers to help her through this - my words weren't strictly my own - they were how my H felt at the time - which is what she asked for. So sorry you feel I am not worth a fight and that he made a mistake - I feel that way sometimes too. He reminds me that if I say that, though, that I am demeaning his choice to stay with me and I must love MYSELF more than that in order to validate HIS love for me. He DESERVES that...and more...

Again it's not about you and I meant no offense

It was my opinion. To my knowledge it is logical. You say you too have had the same thoughts. I think the odds of having a happy marriage with a cheating spouse is very low. It does not mean, that I wish every marriage with a cheating partner involved should fail. But truth is bitter.

 

I wish you and your H will share a happy family. Good luck !!!

[Rose1977]

My husband wants to have a talk with the OM. I do not understand his need for this, but if it is going to help him and our relationship then I want him to do it. However, I do not want want it to become physical, as in a fight. For the most part, I do not believe that either one of them would throw a punch, but I do not guarantee it because there is a lot of hurt. OM says that husband is welcome to call him and he will meet with him if that is what he wants.

 

Have any of you who have been betrayed met up with the OW/OM? If so, what was it that you needed to get out of your talk/meeting with them?

 

I love both of these men dearly but am choosing to work on my marriage. I know it will be hard and husband and I do not do well with hard stuff. Hope we can get through this.

 

 

Just my 2 cents, I did have a conversation with ONE of my bf's OW. I initiated it, which he knew I would do, and I initiated it with class and dignity and told her I did not hold her responsible (which I really don't) and that I just wanted her input as to whether he had been honest with me about everything. I explained to her that my son is involved in the relationship with my BF and asked her to please respect where I was coming from as a mother and as a woman trying to figure out whether the relationship was worth saving. The result: I actually liked her. If it weren't for the circumstances, we would be friends. She told me everything I needed to know, and it turned out the stories matched exactly, which was a relief. She ended up asking me for advice about her current relationship. In the end, it wasn't a positive or negative experience, but it definitely helped that she had moved on and was genuine in her assertion that my BF felt awful about cheating on me b/c he expressed it to her.

 

His OTHER OW.... harassed me for months when he called it off with her. I had to change emails several times, she located me on all kinds of social networking sites, etc... I didn't want to hear anything she had to say because I quickly deduced she was probably in need of a psychiatric evaluation - immediately.

 

So, I think every situation is different, but I definitely understand your H's position. As you can see from another thread I started today, I wanted - needed - to know everything. Including if she was prettier and had a better body

 

Good luck to you and you H.

[Spark1111]

I actually found it empowering when I finally confronted her at work.

 

She avoided every phone call before I called her work phone, and she could no longer avoid me.

 

My husband supported whatever I needed to do to heal. So did my children.

 

Why was it empowering? Because she was absolutely nothing like me, though I thought she had to be because he was attracted to both of us, right?

 

And she hated me, absolutely despised me, the contempt and disdain dripping through her voice. I kept my dignity.

 

My husband's entire opinion of his fOW changed the day we spoke. Why? Because I had only spoken empathetically of her. Never blamed her for her role in the affair. Took the high road.

 

She talked the talk, but couldn't walk the walk. I wanted to extend an olive branch in the event we ever bumped into each other at a company event (they were co-workers), and she ripped me a new one.

 

Do yourself a favor, so as not to be in a he said she said situation: Stand next to your H when he makes the call. She lied to my H and said I had been vicious. Big mistake, as he was standing right beside me when I called her and he hear the entire convo.

 

In fact, if YOU are truly committed to making your marriage work, you should be setting up the meeting and you should be there! Imagine that?

 

You helped cause this mess. Respect your H NOW, and encourage, support and attend the meet, if that is what your H wants.

 

Woman up!

[Distant78]

I met OM once and the argument escalated into a fight in the parking lot where I work. I almost lost but I came out victorious then told him he can have her because she's used goods anyway, then limped back to my car and drove home. Told ex-wife about it and she didn't say anything, although I could tell by the look on her face she was shaken.

[Flgirl44]

I talked to the OW. It made me feel better that the stories matched up. I also had the ability to feel like I took away some of what they shared. I emailed her and told her we were sleeping with the same guy at the same time, that he has an STD and she should get tested. It is the truth, she freaked out and now she doesn't get to look fondly on the experience and neither does he.

He got upset with me for telling her because he didn't want to look like the bad guy. He slept with her then told her that she needs to "take better care of herself, not let people take advantage"....when he was happily taking part in how she was "not taking care of herself" just minutes earlier.....? How is it that one person in a fling situation needs to take care of themselves more than the other if they are both mutually agreeing to the situation? I mean how condescending can you be? /end rant

[Bryanp]

You state that you still love both of these men dearly but are willing to work on your marriage. How would you feel if your husband said I love you and my lover dearly but am willing to work on the marriage now? I think you continue to disrespect and humiliate your husband by these words. Your OM is a person who had no problem engaging in a sexual affair with a married woman behind your husband's back. What does that say about how special he is.

[UnsureinSeattle]

I almost did, but I wasn't sure to what extent he was returning my girlfriend's attentions, and ultimately decided not to.

 

He worked in my office- had that not been the case, I would have probably "talked" to him in a different sense.

 

With a little bit of time behind it, I realize that speaking to him (or beating him up or whatever) probably wouldn't have helped.

[ShatteredReality]

First of all, I meant no offense in my post and it's not about you... it was general.

 

Apology accepted - sorry to take it so personal - it's pretty easy to feel "attacked" as the WS when you truly do feel guilty for what you've done.

 

Cheating is not a mistake !!!

 

Yes - it is. Any thing you do wrong that you regret is a mistake. Is it an accident? No. Does it "just happen"? No. Is it a conscious decision that a person makes that can and usually does result in the harm of those they are supposed to love and protect from such pain? Yes.

 

I dont have the power to influence someone out of their relationship... trust me if I did have the power, cheaters wont get any second chances

 

I think the odds of having a happy marriage with a cheating spouse is very low. It does not mean, that I wish every marriage with a cheating partner involved should fail. But truth is bitter.

 

You contradict yourself. You don't want all relationships with cheaters to fail, but if it were up to you there would be NO second chances. You're very adamant about that - so, in truth, if people choose to stay together (though in your opinion the one who cheated should be tossed straight away) you feel like better luck to them....right?

 

And yes - sometimes I feel like my H should have left. I was already in the midst of leaving him through the ordeal because I didn't believe a marriage could survive infidelity when he begged me to reconsider. I had already broken things off with the OM (knowing that wasn't a realistic option either), but still figured it was time to seperate and try to figure things out apart. He did all kinds of research, read books, we went to IC and MC. The IC was actually after our first two session in MC when she told us IC would be better. I read a book that was very pointed about the subject - it said that if your spouse has an affair (first offense) - find out what the root problem is in the marriage and try to fix it. If they do it again, despite mutual effort to improve the situation, then you leave. Basically the logic was that two are responsible for the state of a relationship and MOST (not all) affairs are because there is something serious lacking in the relationship that is a necessity for the offending partner. It doesn't excuse the action - it explains it a little though. In order to do this, you have to take the emotional reactions - the anger and pain - and put them aside to really evaluate the fundamental issues of the relationship. This doesn't mean you don't get to feel them or cope with them, it just means you don't allow them to cloud your judgement. So many people respond with their pain and with their anger, they don't step back to think about what really is the best course of action to take. What is mutually beneficial for both parties...what will have the happiest ending...leaving isn't always the answer. Sometimes fixing what's broken is...it's a serious offense - yes, but it isn't unforgiveable.

 

As for the original post - contacting the OM or OW - if that's what a person needs to do in order to heal, that is their right. Just so long as they don't do it at the expense of their pride, dignity, or career. They shouldn't have to give up anything more than they have already had taken from them.

[Distant78]

Yes - it is. Any thing you do wrong that you regret is a mistake.

 

It's not a mistake. A mistake is when I step on my fiance's beautiful toes then say sorry. Planning to have an affair and actually doing it for days to even years at a time is not a mistake, irregardless if they feel "regret."

 

 

Is it an accident? No. Does it "just happen"? No. Is it a conscious decision that a person makes that can and usually does result in the harm of those they are supposed to love and protect from such pain? Yes.

 

Exactly. So it's not a mistake.

[StoneCold]

I had a chance to talk with the OW, she was a good friend of mine and all along she was screwing my ex for 7 yrs. They now live together. ( she moved in shortly after the kids and I moved out ). Anyway she was very nasty toward me and almost like she was rubbing it in. She said sorry over and over without any taste to it. Anyway she called me christmas eve and wanted to ask me if her new love was capable of cheating on her. LOL I said yes because he had been sleeping with me all along. She was pissed and I don't care, I know it was wrong to sleep with him but I still love him and we shared 12 yrs and 3 kids together. So anyway she told me everything about the their affair and how they planned their life together, things I had no clue about. She was very rude toward him, my ex. Christmas morning I get a text from her saying I was lying about everything and just trying to break them up. My ex lied to her about our events together, that was the last time I've spoken to either of them. IT FEELS GREAT because now I really know what kind of scum I was married to and as for her she did me a favor, so yes I was glad that I talked to that HOME-WRECKER !!!!

 

 

How do these Situations come about? I have a friend in a similar situation.... screwing around with the FRIEND????

 

If you need to scre around fine.. do what you gotta do. But why on god's green earth would you choose to do that with the friend of your SPOUSE? of all the other people out there it had to be them... Not only that but who would dare make a move?

"lemme just go hit on my friends wife and see what happens"

 

nah.. too risky

[rowell2024]

On DDay, all I wanted to do was call the OM (even though he was in Canada and we are here in Nebraska), but she refused to give me his phone number. Unfortunately, her mother was visiting with us when DDay happened, I told her what was going on, and she asked her daughter to give up the phone number and she still refused. It was only after she left, that I started going through her other bags and found a slip of paper with a canadian phone number. I called that number repeatedly, but no one answered, so I thought it was the wrong one. Weeks later, as I investigated further, I found out that I actually had his phone number. I got his email off of his facebook page and emailed him and never got a reply there either. This scumbag is definitely a coward.

 

I know my temper. Fortunately for all of us he's in another country. Because I would have beat him down within an inch of his life, then beat him again for not dying! That was DDay, and I was in a rage. Now, I'd just settle for chewing his ass out.

 

In my first marriage, where my first wife cheated on me, I was at the restaraunt where I was told they would have their rendezvous. I didn't have a chance to talk to him because when he walked in the door, he was shocked to see me there, then took off running.

[Ballerfamily]

How do these Situations come about? I have a friend in a similar situation.... screwing around with the FRIEND????

 

If you need to scre around fine.. do what you gotta do. But why on god's green earth would you choose to do that with the friend of your SPOUSE? of all the other people out there it had to be them... Not only that but who would dare make a move?

 

"lemme just go hit on my friends wife and see what happens"

 

nah.. too risky

 

hey SC

 

finally something we agree on. haha. didnt think after reading some of your posts. Remember, if we take the time to come here, prolly alot of hurt, etc in are lives. You too? please stop your one/up manship word game (oh, god)

 

As a man :

 

1. d-day. anger from head to toe. you wanna beat down something. of course you cant your wife. So you want to take it out (hopefully words only) cause these worthless humans arent worth you going to the pokey/ and at this point includes your wife

 

2. helps you understand the dynamics more, is he good looking, what he have you dont, etc.

 

3. then after a little of that, your ready to take on the cheating wife.

 

4. I think saves you from saying irreconciliable things( which I did) cause Om was a Pu___y and wouldnt respond back, (of course I understand why) what kind of man gets his rocks off on a broken woman with children, and 25 yrs of marriage history, and the scorn of my boys

 

5. you want them to look over there shoulder, put a little old fashioned fear in them. thats pretty much takes a little of the fog away. lol

 

6. you want to embarrass them, take there diginity, in front of there friends maybe

 

7. Now I'm ready to divorce the cheating b____. (serial, btw) I could forgive 1 time I think.

 

8. now, live with that for awhile, all the hurt, embarrassment, pain, caused to everyone including my 2 boys, and friends, family

 

9. 1 year and a 1/2 later, now I can function, and I dont have to go looking for piece of s___ OM anymore. He already understands, haha, living with narcisstic, broken, cheating woman. LMAO

 

10. I want to shake hands, and thank him for taking my burden away

 

PS I wont be jaded much longer. Theres lots of wonderful babes out there, I think:love:

Edited February 11, 2011 by Ballerfamily

[Ballerfamily]

btw

 

I think it shows how much you loved and cared for her. Otherwise, to the lawyers office you march without much thought. Never will understand why WS's think its so much about initial anger. All bets are off for awhile. Mine used alot of what I said after D-day against me. WTF

 

Expect anger, especially as a man. It means nothing, its only words. We have to vent, we want to be physical which we cant.

 

Id be running and sleeping with one eye open if I would have cheated on ex. And I wouldnt of said a word to anything physical,etc. What kind of man calls the cops on a woman, especially after cheating. face the music. So frustrating as a betrayed man

[Terrier]

My husband had ea with a coworker (while having a PA with another coworker!).

 

He insisted that having a one on one dinner with a divorced woman at a romantic, and pricey, Italian restaurant with a bottle of wine, was totally ok and they were just friends.

 

I told him no woman would go out like that and not assume that the man was coming on to her. He said I was wrong.

 

I called her at work.

 

I told her the story and asked her what she would think if her husband told her he had done that.

 

She said 'I would think something was going on.'

 

She later told him that she was surprised to find out that he was having a physical affir with ow since she thought if he was going to have an affair that it would be with her.

 

I have never been sorry for making that call.

 

Since then she avoids my WH like the plague and snipes at him in meetings.

[ShatteredReality]

It's not a mistake. A mistake is when I step on my fiance's beautiful toes then say sorry. Planning to have an affair and actually doing it for days to even years at a time is not a mistake, irregardless if they feel "regret."

 

 

 

 

Exactly. So it's not a mistake.

 

 

Really? You're going to pick on semantics? Ok, fine. A quick look in a Dictionary says that a "mistake" can be "a wrong action attributable to bad judgment"

 

I would call an affair Bad judgment. Ok that's not enough? Fine. How about a list of Synonyms?? "make a mistake miscalculate, be wrong, blunder, err, boob (Brit. slang), slip up (informal), misjudge, goof (informal), drop a clanger (informal), put your foot in it (informal), be wide of or be off the mark"

 

At this point...why are you arguing that point? Of all points? You concentrate on my word usage and disagree with it - why? What are you proving by proving that "mistake" is the wrong word to use when referring to infidelity? What shall I call it instead - in your opinion?

 

How about from my dictionary of legal terms?

 

"mistake verb be deceived, be erroneous, be in the wrong, be misguided, be misled, be mistaken, blunder, bungle, commit an error, confuse, err, fall into error, get wrong, go amiss, [COLOR=#1d4994]go astray, go wrong, identify incorrectly, ignorare, labor under a misapprehension, misapprehend, miscalculate, misconceive, misconstrue, misidentify, misjudge, misread,misunderstand, name inaccuuately, put a false sense on, receive a false impression, receive a wrong impression, slip up, stumble"

 

Does an affair fall under any of those categories? Perhaps to Be in the wrong...go amiss? Go astray? Now I know I have heard that term before...Go wrong....

 

If you want to pick on me, then pick on me...but seriously...is it not a strong enough word for you? Fine...choose a synonym...you have a big ol' list of 'em now!

 

BTW "irregardless" isn't a word.