I can’t get over HIS ex-lover

[ladyshea23]

Let me start with a little background information…: My boyfriend used to have a really bad habit of lying. Also, one of his exes confided in me that once he cheated on her (We had been talking about how tough long-distances relationships are, when she volunteered to tell me that this was something he has done to her while they were in a LDR: it was just one kiss, and he told her about it immediately, in tears and everything…but still!). Also, he is the KING at avoiding confrontation even if it’s for the worse, so sometimes he’ll lie or omit information just for this purpose. Furthermore, he’s a little…vacant? Ha, that sounds mean of me to say, but I’m not sure how else to word it. So keep this in mind while reading the story:

 

Before my boyfriend and I met (2 1/2 years ago), he was friends with benefits with this girl. While I don’t think she developed anything emotional feelings for him, I know that he became VERY infatuated (the word he used to describe it) with her. A few months later, she met a boy who she is currently married to so the whole FWB thing quickly ended and my boyfriend was suddenly faced with having to get over her. They stayed friends.

 

A few more months later, he met me and instantly we started dating. However, I and many of our mutual friends noticed that he didn’t seem to be over her: the way he looked at her, they flirted with each other constantly, everything—we all noticed there was something going on. So, not knowing about their history (at the time), I asked him if he ever had feelings for her…and he lied about it. Of course, I found out the truth. Since we had only been together a month, I broke up with him. However, after he promised to me that he’d never lie again (And after a little trial and error, he hasn’t!), and assured me that he was completely over her, we got back together about a month later.

 

Soon, after we got back together, my boyfriend temporarily moved away, but he and she remained in contact over phone and facebook. He once even gave her a different name in his phone book “because he knew how angry I get over her and didn’t want any more confrontation”. I was a little bothered and jealous by this and soon told him so. He decided to completely cut contact with her in order not to further irk me…but quite a bit of time passed and they began talking again (this is why I mentioned he’s a little vacant ha).

 

Furthermore, while I trust him, I certainly don’t trust her. Only a week after we broke up, she confided in me that lately her and her husband had been contemplating having my boyfriend (they considered others as well—that’s why she volunteered this information to me) in a threesome (I mean, that’s just not right…right?). Also, she is a very flirtatious person and seems to have no limits…she even cheated on her husband while he was away (not just sexual; like an emotional affair). I’m not sure if he would cheat on me with her, but I can see him getting entranced by her (then again, that could just be the Crazy talking--I've been known to have a very over reactive intuition!)…and who knows what will happen…

 

My boyfriend has moved back recently and they’ve been talking about hanging out for the first time since he moved away. And I don’t know how to feel about it…Will they be just as flirtatious as before? I’m really scared for more pain and jealousy and I don’t know what to do…mostly I don’t know how I should act/how I will act when I’m around them. If they end up giving off flirty vibes, how will I know if I’m just making it up in my head or if they really are? What should I do?

 

The weird thing is, I only have an issue with her. My boyfriend is still friends with an ex (that he even almost married to, so it was more serious!) and her and I get along so well! She is a really good friend and I’m positive that what they had is completely in the past (It was one of those relationships that lost the appeal as they changed their separate ways, so they slowly evolved into friends. They both admit their breakup was well overdue.). Also, I can tell he has a totally harmless “crush” (you know those, right?) on one of our mutual friends, yet I could totally care less (he’s pretty open and honest about it so that might be part of it?). What’s the deal?

 

And here’s the worse part: I know a lot of this information because I check her facebook every single day. I compare our pictures, how we act, our education, etc etc. (I don’t look into any of her past stuff with my boyfriend—I already know all I need to know, so it’s not really relevant. And I don’t go asking others for information about her—so I suppose this is a dirty little secret) And I know that if she had never been with my boyfriend, I wouldn’t consider her competition and I wouldn’t be so transfixed on her facebook. So, why can’t I stop??

 

I know this is a really long post, but any help will be greatly appreciated!! <3

Edited December 10, 2010 by ladyshea23

[looking4ansrs]

Take it from a someone whose been there. While my situation does not mirror yours exactly its close. I was the wife with the ex-bf that would not go away. I didn't realize fully the "connection" that was there and thought that I could have a "closure" conversation with him after 13 yrs. One thing led to another and it ended after a 2 month emotional affair. My husband is still trying to figure out if he can get over it. Mostly because this guy was an issue in the beginning. If they've had sex anytime in the past then they run the risk of something re-developing. If he's hiding contact with her from you than its definitely something to be concerned about.

[looking4ansrs]

I've tried to edit my post 4 times now and no luck. I had a really lengthy response from a cheater's prospective. If you want more info let me know and I will try to get it to you.