eerie_reverie Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 (edited) As some of y'all may recall, a few months ago, I hooked up with a guy my friend, L, had been hanging out with, but had explicitly insisted she was not dating. I felt pretty guilty about it, even though technically I hadn't done anything "wrong", when she flipped out when I told her. After that, she decided she did like him; but as soon as they got together, she dumped him again. She has been getting back together and breaking up with him every single week since then. In the meantime, this guy and I have become friends. Not super close or anything, but he lives near me, and I've been hanging out with him and his roommates. There is absolutley nothing going on between us beyond that. Watching his relationship with my friend unfold, I have to the conclusion he's a total p, and I have lost all interest. I don't think he had much in me to begin with, but platonically, we're great. There are some people that belong in each other's friendzones and that's definitely the case with us. Whenever they are "broken up", he starts to withdraw from her, causing her to want him again and be mad at me for "coming between them" by staying his friend. Months ago, all of us, along with the new girl in my division, bought tickets to TBOX, aka "Twelve Bars of Christmas," a day-long bar-crawl that L and I had done together last year. I didn't even want to go, but she pressured the s!ht out of me, and I'd relented. With the way things are now (AWKWARD) I am not sure I want to go anymore. L flip flops between acting like my best friend when her relationship with S is going well, and giving me the cold shoulder when they are broken up. I have come to the conclusion that she is insane and I am sick of walking on egg shells around her. Moreover, I'm starting to think there's a lot more jealousy and bitterness inside her I have yet to glimpse, and I am afraid a day full of drinking will result in a fight. My other concern is being a s!ht show around the other girl who is coming with us, who only recently started abusing alcohol, and has no clue as to the sinister nature of our relationships. I work closely with her and think of myself as her mentor, and I want to be a good role model. am not sure this event is going to bring out the best in me. On the other hand, I feel like NOT going is sending a pretty strong message that I am checking out of my friendship with L, not to mention, I paid 30 bucks for the ticket. Plus, it might be really fun. Drinking all day historically HAS been my thing. What would you do?? Edited December 10, 2010 by eerie_reverie
tinktronik Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 You knew from the get L had something for this guy, otherwise you would not have made sure they were not dating. 1st bad on your part. This guy officially started dating L and yet you after hooking up with him continue to hang around his place. 2nd bad on your part. You use every break up between L and her guy as proof of her "drama", yet her having some insecurities about some girl her guy has banged hanging around his place is not inappropriate at all. 3rd bad on your part. YOU need to back off and let your friend go about her relationship however she wants. It sounds as if you're not too much of a friend to her anyway as you seem to value your hang out time with your "friends" guy and his buddies more than you do your loyalty or understanding or friendship to her.
Author eerie_reverie Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 You knew from the get L had something for this guy, otherwise you would not have made sure they were not dating. 1st bad on your part. This guy officially started dating L and yet you after hooking up with him continue to hang around his place. 2nd bad on your part. You use every break up between L and her guy as proof of her "drama", yet her having some insecurities about some girl her guy has banged hanging around his place is not inappropriate at all. 3rd bad on your part. YOU need to back off and let your friend go about her relationship however she wants. It sounds as if you're not too much of a friend to her anyway as you seem to value your hang out time with your "friends" guy and his buddies more than you do your loyalty or understanding or friendship to her. I agree with this. In our 3 years of friendship, all we've ever done together was pick up guys. I've never spent any 1-1 time with her. I felt loyalty to her anyway due to the longevity of our relationship, but now I feel like our friendship has been pretty shallow and fake. I feel much closer to the guy in this equation and his roommates, with whom I;ve actually spent time with no ulterior motives of finding a bf, and feel like it's hypocritical to pretend otherwise, which is part of the reason I don't want to go.
denise_xo Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 I have come to the conclusion that she is insane and I am sick of walking on egg shells around her. Well, that's not really a 'friendship'. So I wouldn't go because of her...
tinktronik Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 I agree with this. In our 3 years of friendship, all we've ever done together was pick up guys. I've never spent any 1-1 time with her. I felt loyalty to her anyway due to the longevity of our relationship, but now I feel like our friendship has been pretty shallow and fake. I feel much closer to the guy in this equation and his roommates, with whom I;ve actually spent time with no ulterior motives of finding a bf, and feel like it's hypocritical to pretend otherwise, which is part of the reason I don't want to go. But in the meantime your friendship with this guy is totally inappropriate and disruptive to both his life and hers. Your doing a disservice and being selfish here.
Author eerie_reverie Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 (edited) But in the meantime your friendship with this guy is totally inappropriate and disruptive to both his life and hers. Your doing a disservice and being selfish here. That's outrageous. Removing her from the picture, what's inappropriate about it? It didn't work out between us, and neither of us holds a grudge about that; we're not looking for a relationsip with each other, but that's not the end-all goal of our lives, either, so that's ok. Why should I provide a service to her by severing my friendships?? Edited December 10, 2010 by eerie_reverie
BackUpOrGetStung Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Her hot/cold behavior would be enough for me to stop hanging out with her.
tinktronik Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 That's outrageous. Removing her from the picture, what's inappropriate about it? It didn't work out between us, and neither of us holds a grudge about that; we're not looking for a relationsip with each other, but that's not the end-all goal of our lives, either, so that's ok. Why should I provide a service to her by severing my friendships?? Removing her from the picture there would be nothing wrong with you being friends with some dud you slept with. But that's not the situation. You were friends with her, slept with a guy she had interest in and continue to hang out with him even though they are trying to form a relationship. If the new GF were a total unknown to you that was uncomfortable with her guy hanging with some girl he had had sex with in the past it would be appropriate for him and you to back off from your friendship as well.
Author eerie_reverie Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 Removing her from the picture there would be nothing wrong with you being friends with some dud you slept with. But that's not the situation. You were friends with her, slept with a guy she had interest in and continue to hang out with him even though they are trying to form a relationship. If the new GF were a total unknown to you that was uncomfortable with her guy hanging with some girl he had had sex with in the past it would be appropriate for him and you to back off from your friendship as well. She is one of those girls who has an interest in everyone, so when she told me she was through this one, I didn't think it would be a problem. She has been in love with a different guy the whole time she was dating this one, anyway. She can't call dibs on everyone. Re: the hypothetical example with the new gf, I woudl never stop hanging out with a friend because some chick was uncomfortable, nor would I back off my friendship with someone for a guy I was dating. Maybe that's because at the end of the day I don't believe in romantic relationships lasting, wheras I do believe in platonic connections, so I value friendship over love. I don't think I am "wrong" for doing so, it is just a different outlook.
tinktronik Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 She is one of those girls who has an interest in everyone, so when she told me she was through this one, I didn't think it would be a problem. She has been in love with a different guy the whole time she was dating this one, anyway. She can't call dibs on everyone. Re: the hypothetical example with the new gf, I woudl never stop hanging out with a friend because some chick was uncomfortable, nor would I back off my friendship with someone for a guy I was dating. Maybe that's because at the end of the day I don't believe in romantic relationships lasting, wheras I do believe in platonic connections, so I value friendship over love. I don't think I am "wrong" for doing so, it is just a different outlook. It's fair enough for you to decide that for yourself. However why do you think you can decide how others would prioritize their relationships? You sound very young here. How old are you? BTW it is a crummy thing to decide that you are more interested in hanging with your friends guy b/c you suddenly decided after 3 years of friendship and a little dic*y that your friendship suddenly had no depth or real meaning.
Author eerie_reverie Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 It's fair enough for you to decide that for yourself. However why do you think you can decide how others would prioritize their relationships? You sound very young here. How old are you? BTW it is a crummy thing to decide that you are more interested in hanging with your friends guy b/c you suddenly decided after 3 years of friendship and a little dic*y that your friendship suddenly had no depth or real meaning. He has the option of ending our friendship as well. I would respect that decision, but I'm not going to make it for him. I am not young, in my mid-twenties.
northern_sky Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 It's fair enough for you to decide that for yourself. However why do you think you can decide how others would prioritize their relationships? You sound very young here. How old are you? BTW it is a crummy thing to decide that you are more interested in hanging with your friends guy b/c you suddenly decided after 3 years of friendship and a little dic*y that your friendship suddenly had no depth or real meaning. I disagree. I've spoken to Eerie a lot about this friend, and the two legitimately seem to lack a connection. Plus, this friend hasn't treated Eerie well. She basically uses eerie as a wing woman and "calls" any guy they both meet, even if Eerie is interested in the guy. When this girl is involved with a guy, she also shows a lot less interest in hanging out with Eerie.
tinktronik Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 He has the option of ending our friendship as well. I would respect that decision, but I'm not going to make it for him. I am not young, in my mid-twenties. You are absolutely correct, he does have that option. However, what caught me in your post was your attitude towards your friend and the assertion that her actions were just drama, when in reality they are justified. Also if you know that your new guy friend is interested in this girl and having a relationship with her but you know that your presence is disruptive at best to what he is trying to achieve how are you being his friend by staying active in the situation?
Author eerie_reverie Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 You are absolutely correct, he does have that option. However, what caught me in your post was your attitude towards your friend and the assertion that her actions were just drama, when in reality they are justified. Also if you know that your new guy friend is interested in this girl and having a relationship with her but you know that your presence is disruptive at best to what he is trying to achieve how are you being his friend by staying active in the situation? Maybe you are reading too much into what I am classifying as a friendship with him. He is my co-worker and there is no way I am going to create a bad situation between us just for the sake of his relationship. We don't hang out one-on-one, it's just a chat here and there about work usually, but I hang out with his roommates. As an example, the last time the girl freaked out was when we were all at a bar with a few other people, and we talked. As I have mentioned before, she is in love with someone else, whom, I should mention, I had been seeing before her; and she is doing all of the breaking up in this relationship. I feel like she is attempting to keep him on the backburner, and her primary motives are attention and drama.
AT-AT28 Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Bars. The ultimate collection of desperate and lonely losers on the planet. Been to serveral bars and experiences through my 20's and up until this Halloween for a few costume parties. Loads of pretty skanks with more ass and tits then brains/common sense and guy's with egos and sex drives bigger then their muscles. Screw that crap.
Author eerie_reverie Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 You are absolutely correct, he does have that option. However, what caught me in your post was your attitude towards your friend and the assertion that her actions were just drama, when in reality they are justified. Also if you know that your new guy friend is interested in this girl and having a relationship with her but you know that your presence is disruptive at best to what he is trying to achieve how are you being his friend by staying active in the situation?[/QUOTE] Also, please note that the OP is about whether or not I should go to a bar crawl with both of them, a question you have not answered and I am pondering in the firt place becuase I don't want to spend an entire day in the middle.
tinktronik Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 You are absolutely correct, he does have that option. However, what caught me in your post was your attitude towards your friend and the assertion that her actions were just drama, when in reality they are justified. Also if you know that your new guy friend is interested in this girl and having a relationship with her but you know that your presence is disruptive at best to what he is trying to achieve how are you being his friend by staying active in the situation?[/QUOTE] Also, please note that the OP is about whether or not I should go to a bar crawl with both of them, a question you have not answered and I am pondering in the firt place becuase I don't want to spend an entire day in the middle. My answer is no, you should disconnect with both of these 'friendships' as you are too involved in them in other ways.
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