half_ofa_heart Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 hang in there, calli. i experienced the very same things you are talking about. other than last time, where i broke NC, it was also always him who broke NC. some say that it's not over till it's over, or you can't maintain NC coz you haven't had enough pain. i think that is in my case - couldn't maintain NC until i've had enough pain. i am still very afraid of him contacting me (but so far he's doing good) coz I am so afraid i would go back to that hellish place. love does not feel that way, and he is simply UNAVAILABLE and emotionally not able to give what is needed to build an R. not when he's with his wife still and unclear. that applies to you as well. even if he sorts his **** out it will still take time for him to be able to be in a healthy R. and who knows what is going on now?! i know it's awful and hard now calli but you will get there. stay positive. it's only been a few days so it's really raw i understand. have faith as a few of us on here are on NC and going through different stages of this process so we are here for you... day 15 for me. still think about him way too much at night. sleep still broken which sux. i am slowly accepting that that it is over, that he may never contact me again. and if he does, i want to be able to say NO. day at a time, calli. My MM contacts me daily even after I've blocked all the blockable means of communication. It has been EXTREMELY DIFFICULT for me these last 5 days or so. he will send me emails on work email, call on work phone. I have not responded to all except for one. I simply pointed out how I will not go back to being the OW. He still tries even after that. I think I'm going thru the bargaining stage since I cannot stop thinking about him and all the promises of love. It's just all so darn confusing. Good luck to both of you (Cali and Siuys)... heck, all of us. With LS, it has made me stronger but the lack of LS over the weekend sure did put a damper on my strength.
siuys Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 heart, sorry you're feeling crap. your guy really isn't being fair. on one hand i know it's 'nice' to hear from him, but you know yourself that NC is the only way to go. it is hard to ignore, but i reckon you will get there. i've been through the can't stop thinking about him stage. i am still there, it's just not 24/7 any more thank god for that. can't remember your story am sorry. how long since NC? d-day? i think if my xMM would not stop contacting me and disrespect my wishes i'd tell his wife. but i won't do that unless he doesn't stop, but i must have the strength to say no first. know what you mean by LS down on the weekend but at the same time, I felt good that i must now get on with my life and do other things too! good luck to you also. hang in there.
ItsNeverForever Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I just miss him so much because we were always friends before anything else. *heart breaking for you* This is the worst part of it. I'm just afraid that he'll figure out he doesn't want to be with me... Aw, Calli girl - I'm gonna go out on a limb here, based on my unique situation, and say that I don't see that happening. I don't think there will ever be a time when he stops caring or wishing/wanting to be with you. Get that thought out of your head right now. He wants it, he just can't have it. I think deep down you know this. You know him. <3 This is what took me so long to understand about my situation. Yes, the reality is that it will probably never come back around to our favor. But his feelings for you won't disappear. You are loved. ...But the fact that it was always him who was the one to came back just seems to be keeping me holding on. No, i change my mind about what I said after the first quote...THIS is the worst part of it. I have had those very same "wake up sad" days, and though they're really difficult, it wasn't often that I had more than one at a time. Tomorrow is a new day, and you can choose to make it a good one. Take a "day off" for yourself and refuse to allow the feelings to rule your day. Or at least try to... Each day as it comes...
Author calliope Posted December 14, 2010 Author Posted December 14, 2010 philly - you're absolutely right, I feel like I'm in panic mode now. The past two nights I've slept better without waking up in a panic, so at least that's starting to calm down. siuys - remember 5 days ago when I was on Day 1, you were 10 and I said by the time I got to 10, you'd be at 20....we'll, girl...we're halfway there! Heart - I'm impressed that you've had the strength to stay NC when he's in touch every day and every way. You're a very strong lady....
Author calliope Posted December 14, 2010 Author Posted December 14, 2010 Aw, Calli girl - I'm gonna go out on a limb here, based on my unique situation, and say that I don't see that happening. I don't think there will ever be a time when he stops caring or wishing/wanting to be with you. Get that thought out of your head right now. He wants it, he just can't have it. I think deep down you know this. You know him. This is what took me so long to understand about my situation. Yes, the reality is that it will probably never come back around to our favor. But his feelings for you won't disappear. You are loved. I have had those very same "wake up sad" days, and though they're really difficult, it wasn't often that I had more than one at a time. Tomorrow is a new day, and you can choose to make it a good one. Take a "day off" for yourself and refuse to allow the feelings to rule your day. Or at least try to... Each day as it comes... Yeah, today I'm just missing my friend.... I do know him and I know he's having a hard time too, and I know he loves me. And that's also hard because I've been there to help him through difficult stuff before when he came to me for comfort. Now, there's absolutely nothing I can do for him and that kills me. I'm glad to hear you say you haven't often had more than one "wake up sad" days in a row. Makes me look forward to tomorrow a little more....
ItsNeverForever Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Yeah, today I'm just missing my friend.... I do know him and I know he's having a hard time too, and I know he loves me. And that's also hard because I've been there to help him through difficult stuff before when he came to me for comfort. Now, there's absolutely nothing I can do for him and that kills me. I'm glad to hear you say you haven't often had more than one "wake up sad" days in a row. Makes me look forward to tomorrow a little more.... Missing your friend. It's an AWFUL feeling, almost like someone died. We used to talk or text every morning, always starting the day off with a laugh and a smile...that's what I miss the most. We are like two peas in a pod, and it sucks not having my other half. Sometimes, I would talk to him like he was right there. I'd write the text but not send it. It's kind of lame to say it now, but sometimes it really did help. Although I can also see how it might hinder, this pretending the relationship still existed. *sigh* Yes, he is absolutely having a hard time with it. Mine took FOREVER to admit it to me, but when he did, it felt so much better! He was feeling it all along, but I never would have assumed it - I struggle with always, always assuming the worst, even when I'm constantly proven otherwise in many different areas of my life. Anyway, the thing is, he's a big boy. I know you want to be there for him, I struggled with that feeling for a while, too - but he needs to figure it out on his own. Even if he's all discombobulated right now, he WILL eventually sort it out himself, that's the best thing, and what BOTH of you need. Just trust me when I say he is OK without your shoulder. HE IS. I hope you're not feeling guilt about it, you shouldn't. I know it's really, really hard to do...but right now you need to focus on YOU coping and getting better. It's the ONLY thing you can control. I've just had a couple of really great days, but if it makes you feel any better, today was not so great for me, either (maybe it's something in the air?). Fears and worries started creeping back in, and I had to shove them out again. I've lately been repeating little mantras to myself and I find that if I repeat enough, the bad feelings go away. You can do it, I know you can. Look at all the amazing women here who are/have. Have faith. *hugs*
OWandinlove Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 OMG, I am feeling each and every feeling you have all posted, my A of 2yrs is now ending, and. Yes, I love him, yes, I am feeling like I have too lost a friend, and yes, its very much like someone has past ... I wasn't as heartbroken as this when I ended my own marriage of 13yrs ... Why is it that he captured a part of my heart that no one ever has ... I knew from the start he would never be mine, but to be honest, I just never seem to think it would end either (nieve of me I now see). Even though right now I feel so much pain, Just reading your posts gives me hope to move on ...
siuys Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 OMG, I am feeling each and every feeling you have all posted, my A of 2yrs is now ending, and. Yes, I love him, yes, I am feeling like I have too lost a friend, and yes, its very much like someone has past ... I wasn't as heartbroken as this when I ended my own marriage of 13yrs ... Why is it that he captured a part of my heart that no one ever has ... I knew from the start he would never be mine, but to be honest, I just never seem to think it would end either (nieve of me I now see). Even though right now I feel so much pain, Just reading your posts gives me hope to move on ... Welcome to the forum, OWandinlove. I understand as I, too, find it much harder to end things with xMM than when I walked out of my marriage years ago. I think it's partly because it is not a real relationship as in there is a lot of fantasy/dreams/what could be in it and not enough every day stuff. It's not real enough. And at the end of the day, they are MARRIED! I wish you all the best. Have you just started NC?
OWandinlove Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 Thank you Siuys, it is soo much more helpful to know the feelings I'm feeling are not uncommon ... And yes, the NC has just started, we had in the past spoke on a daily basis .... Then last when I seen him, a couple months ago ... he said we had to end it, we would always be friends, no one would ever take that away, but the confusing part is, later he said we just needed a "cooling off period" over the holidays and in the new year we would have a "good chat" ... But we now go 3-4 days, sometimes a week at a time with NC and conversations seem cold, or cautious ... I miss him, I miss us .... I feel like I'm being let down a little at a time and its painful .... I'm on an emotional roller coaster ... I don't want to take away from Calliope's situation or advise .. Maybe I'll post my own support request ... Thank you ..
siuys Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 Thank you Siuys, it is soo much more helpful to know the feelings I'm feeling are not uncommon ... And yes, the NC has just started, we had in the past spoke on a daily basis .... Then last when I seen him, a couple months ago ... he said we had to end it, we would always be friends, no one would ever take that away, but the confusing part is, later he said we just needed a "cooling off period" over the holidays and in the new year we would have a "good chat" ... But we now go 3-4 days, sometimes a week at a time with NC and conversations seem cold, or cautious ... I miss him, I miss us .... I feel like I'm being let down a little at a time and its painful .... I'm on an emotional roller coaster ... I don't want to take away from Calliope's situation or advise .. Maybe I'll post my own support request ... Thank you .. I think it's really hard to do a sort of NC. For me, it's either NC or no NC. What you described sounds like your man doesn't want to let go, but not wanting to do anything about the situation either. I have been there where xMM couldn't commit to ending it, but neither could he commit to me. And i got tired of the emotional roller coaster and eventually my anxiety attacks did it for me. At the end of the day, affairs are affairs. What that means to me is that they have not much room to grow. Since at least one person involved is unavailable, and the situation usually toxic/addictive, it's not in a healthy environment and cannot flourish and grow. There is only one other direction. That's how it felt for me. At the beginning it was really good. And then he started to become really wobbly. Although I got to know him better, and actually got closer to him, and could communicate much better, some other parts of the A/R was slowly dying. it's like a plant, without love and nurturing, it won't survive, and that's how I felt about my R. There was love and nurturing, but not consistently enough and not committed enough.
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