How long before wishful thinking stops?

[calliope]

I'm just wondering how long it takes to stop holding out hope that things are going to work out the way I want them to?

 

I fully realize I have to be the one who makes the decision to move on and re-program my brain to clear it out, but this is only my 1st day of NC/LC, and the irrational thoughts are still very overpowering.

 

Yesterday when we had our "final talk" I was analyzing every little thing he said, trying to find some glimpse of something to indicate he'll come back to me. Of course I found things, but I'm sure anybody would if they look hard enough.

 

I know it sounds rather pathetic, and I know everyone's different. There must be a point when reality takes over and the wishful thinking is just not there anymore...or is it once indifference sets in?

[TigerCub]

I think it depends on the situation.

 

But for me wishful thinking stopped the moment I really started to logically analyze everything - the moment I let myself see all the lies.

 

After that, there is no point for wishful thinking because I know I don't wish to end up with a person like my xMM.

[calliope]

I guess I'm not letting myself focus on the lies because there's so much of everything swirling around in my head now.

 

It's hard to separate it all and put each thing into perspective so I can focus on the stuff I really need to focus on...

[siuys]

Calliope, I don't know when that stops completely as I still have that but I can tell you that it lessens as you give it space and time. Your head will clear in the days/weeks to come, and you will start seeing things AS THEY ARE. If he was that clear and committed, he would be already. If he was ready to leave, he would have already. He MAY in the future but right now, he is not. And wishful thinking will stop once you see things as they are, and are slowly moving on, and realise that wait a minute here, I don't need this BS and I'm actually doing well on my own without all the MM b.s. For the first time in a long time, I actually doubt I even want to be with him. Maybe if we had met under diff circumstances but right now, I do NOT want to be with someone so indecisive, weak, uncommitted and messed up, and obviously has not treated me right.

 

I find as I accept what has happened, including my own responsibility in all of this, it gets easier. As my life goes back to normal, and I don't think about him 24/7, wishful thinking lessens. I still think a lot about him, but I try not to fight it anymore because truth is, it's now less consuming. So I give myself time, tell myself as long as there is progress, I'm doing well.

 

All the best.

[calliope]

Thank you again siuys - you have no idea how much you've helped me over the past couple of days....hugs...

[siuys]

Calliope, anything I can do. A lot of people have helped me on this forum also for which I am grateful.

 

Allow yourself some time to grieve, think about him all day long if you wish, it's early days and normal. Don't sink into despair though. Do get on with your life, day by day and you will be fine. The pain will lessen. When you feel pain, or loneliness, or whatever it might be, acknowledge that emotion and do not judge or label it. Let your entire body and mind experience it. Do not try to fight it. Let it sit there and eventually that pain will dissipate.

 

Last night in bed I missed xMM. I asked myself what it is exactly that I miss. I missed his touches, his cuddles, his kisses, the way we held hands in bed, the hours we talked before going to sleep. Well, that's what I missed. OK. And one day, I will meet someone who can share that with me. And that someone will not be in a messed up, toxic situation like xMM because for me, this is now a deal breaker. Anyone attached or married is a deal breaker. No matter how much I miss him, or those feelings, or feeling lonely or what not, I just acknowledge it and that's it.

 

There are times when I feel anger, and want to call or text him and cause him pain. Or I'd miss him and want to talk. What am I really doing? I am feeling lonely, and I am seeking validation! No, no, no! I do NOT need validation from HIM!!!! So yes, I would love to feel great again like we used to talk or whatever, but the REALITY is different now. I cannot keep living on hope. I cannot keep thinking how he COULD have been like he was before. Fact is, he has moved back home. I do not know what is going on in his house, or in his head. Fact is, I miss him. It's ok. I have a life to live now also - without the pain, without the drama...

 

Sorry I'm waffling on... it's therapeutic for me too hang in there, C.

[MorningCoffee]

Calliope, anything I can do. A lot of people have helped me on this forum also for which I am grateful.

 

Allow yourself some time to grieve, think about him all day long if you wish, it's early days and normal. Don't sink into despair though. Do get on with your life, day by day and you will be fine. The pain will lessen. When you feel pain, or loneliness, or whatever it might be, acknowledge that emotion and do not judge or label it. Let your entire body and mind experience it. Do not try to fight it. Let it sit there and eventually that pain will dissipate.

 

Last night in bed I missed xMM. I asked myself what it is exactly that I miss. I missed his touches, his cuddles, his kisses, the way we held hands in bed, the hours we talked before going to sleep. Well, that's what I missed. OK. And one day, I will meet someone who can share that with me. And that someone will not be in a messed up, toxic situation like xMM because for me, this is now a deal breaker. Anyone attached or married is a deal breaker. No matter how much I miss him, or those feelings, or feeling lonely or what not, I just acknowledge it and that's it.

 

There are times when I feel anger, and want to call or text him and cause him pain. Or I'd miss him and want to talk. What am I really doing? I am feeling lonely, and I am seeking validation! No, no, no! I do NOT need validation from HIM!!!! So yes, I would love to feel great again like we used to talk or whatever, but the REALITY is different now. I cannot keep living on hope. I cannot keep thinking how he COULD have been like he was before. Fact is, he has moved back home. I do not know what is going on in his house, or in his head. Fact is, I miss him. It's ok. I have a life to live now also - without the pain, without the drama...

 

Sorry I'm waffling on... it's therapeutic for me too hang in there, C.

 

Yes! The bolded is exactly what the processing is like -- and it is both necessary and painful, but it gets you to where you need to be. It does taper off as time goes by and you figure things out, and the benefits will be manifested in your next relationship.

 

One step closer to healthy love. What a great feeling!

[whichwayisup]

When reality hits and accepting takes place. Accepting that what you wanted isn't going to happen. And, accepting that you're better off grieving the loss, the dreams of what could be, so you can really begin the healing process.

[half_ofa_heart]

When reality hits and accepting takes place. Accepting that what you wanted isn't going to happen. And, accepting that you're better off grieving the loss, the dreams of what could be, so you can really begin the healing process.

 

This is key! Accepting the reality that it will never happen is so liberating. You realize that all this time you've been hoping for something that can never be. It's then and only then that you know you're on the road to healing.

 

I've only had this realization in the last day or so. I still love him, and miss him but know that it was never going to be more than the stolen moments we had. Holidays and Vacations were always going to belong to someone else.

 

You will get there Calli, I promise you. In the mean time, do as others suggest and mourn the loss but just know that you'll get thru this.

[calliope]

I'm just missing him today like crazy, and I only saw him yesterday. It seems like forever.

 

The longest we've ever gone w/o some kind of contact was 5 days once when he was out of the country. When he's been home, the longest is 3 days. The contact wasn't always related to the A, sometimes just seeing him at work while we weren't even actively continuing the A.

 

I'm guessing that it's not really him that I'm missing. How much sense does it make to feel like I miss him so much when it's only been a day? Could I grieving the loss of the future I thought I was going to have?

[siuys]

Day 14. The wishful thinking is definitely lessening. In fact, on some days, it's not even there. It's not there so much any more because the fog has lifted, and I am starting to see what the affair was all about including what I am learning from it, how i was deceiving myself at one stage about this 'perfect man' for me. How I did not want to see reality. And as I slowly shift the focus back onto me, I stop obsessing about him, and the what could have been. I still feel pain at times, but it's mostly very dull pain now. I miss him, sure, but that is normal. Thoughts of him are no longer all consuming. I can go by all day in the office without thinking about him now. So Calli, you, too will get there. Give it a bit more space and time. It's early days.

[calliope]

Day 14. The wishful thinking is definitely lessening. In fact, on some days, it's not even there. It's not there so much any more because the fog has lifted, and I am starting to see what the affair was all about including what I am learning from it, how i was deceiving myself at one stage about this 'perfect man' for me. How I did not want to see reality. And as I slowly shift the focus back onto me, I stop obsessing about him, and the what could have been. I still feel pain at times, but it's mostly very dull pain now. I miss him, sure, but that is normal. Thoughts of him are no longer all consuming. I can go by all day in the office without thinking about him now. So Calli, you, too will get there. Give it a bit more space and time. It's early days.

I caved a little today. Today is Day 4 NC - the longest we've been out of touch before.

 

I came home for lunch & saw a truck by the side of the road near a park by my home. I didn't know if it was his & made myself not go back to check. I told myself that if it was still there on my way back to work, I'd look. It was still there, so I went and looked & it was his. He often goes to that park to walk by himself & clear his head. I didn't know that's where he parks (it's not the parking lot).

 

I called him. Thankfully he didn't answer, because I have no idea what I would have said. But now my number will be on his phone.... I feel weak today.

[siuys]

It's ok, Calli. We are all weak sometimes. Soldier on. Know that you are doing the right thing for yourself. Good that you didn't end up speaking with him or you'd be totally back to square one.

 

I often still wonder if he'll contact me. If he'll sms me or drive by my place like he used to. I try to change my thinking patterns and I now turn my phone off at night when I get home. I think a bit of time and space definitely helps, and an active effort on your part to move forward, whatever it takes. Take it as a lesson and learn what you can from the A. As my head clears, I realise I am learning so much about myself from this A, and I can almost see the reason he was put into my life this past year. I can no longer mask my issues with a relationship. An unavailable man cannot provide me what I needed when I should be looking within for it. That's just my journey. Yours will be different.

 

Stay brave, stay bold and strong. You WILL get there.

[Hazyhead]

Calli, wishful thinking should never stop, but what you are wishing for now will change as you move forward. Make your wishes work for you.

[calliope]

Thanks siuys & Hazy. Even though I called him, I'm still looking at today as a successful NC. And the uncontrollable shaking stopped quicker this time than the last time something similar happened (2 days ago). Another huge problem for me of not only working together but also living in the same area...

[ItsNeverForever]

I caved a little today. Today is Day 4 NC - the longest we've been out of touch before.

 

I came home for lunch & saw a truck by the side of the road near a park by my home. I didn't know if it was his & made myself not go back to check. I told myself that if it was still there on my way back to work, I'd look. It was still there, so I went and looked & it was his. He often goes to that park to walk by himself & clear his head. I didn't know that's where he parks (it's not the parking lot).

 

I called him. Thankfully he didn't answer, because I have no idea what I would have said. But now my number will be on his phone.... I feel weak today.

 

Hi, Calli girl...

 

Hazy and siuys are "geniuses" about all this. They have some really good insight and advice to offer (better than mine, that's for sure!). And about your little "field trip" today - pffft. Good for you - don't count it. You escaped without what would have ultimately been painful contact when you're not ready yet...so just forget you even did it. I also live in the same town, in VERY close proximity to my "MM", and for a while, I would go out of my way to get gas in my car, "just in case" I got lucky enough to run into him. Eh, so what. We've all done it. LOL

 

It sounds to me like you're doing really good...and it's true what everyone says, each day is better than the one before. At my worst, I found that somehow, some little thing in my life would just somehow take over my time and thoughts and before I knew it, another day had gone by. One thing that for sure worked for me in getting rid of the wishful thinking, was actually not allowing myself to have the thoughts. WAY easier said than done, but when I would feel overwhelmed with wishfulness, I would actually imagine him standing in front of me flashing me those dreamy eyes that roped me back in every time without him ever saying a word, and yelling at him "no!" while slamming the door in his face. Sometimes it worked, sometimes not...but the point is I made the effort, and before long it just got easier. Also easier said than done but really golden is remembering that we have a CHOICE to think thoughts that upset us...a CHOICE to have a good attitude or a bad one...a CHOICE to have a good/happy day or a bad/sad day.

 

I know, all of this crummy stuff you've probably heard from your mom a million times, but I'm hoping I can help at least a little.

 

In my experience, the wishful thinking didn't completely stop, until I STOPPED - stopped the thoughts, stopped to listen to what he had actually been saying to me for so many weeks on end...(it was so easy not to hear it, bc every time he was with me he acted the opposite of what he was trying to accomplish - I know, I'm irresistible - LOL). You know how when you were a teenager your parents could lecture you about something and you wouldn't give them the time of day, but as soon as one of your friends gave you the same message, it was good as gold? Because you wanted to believe and trust in your own understanding? It's kinda like that. And when I stopped listening to myself and took stock of what was REALLY being said, and REALLY taking place, I was finally free of the wishful torture.

 

I hope you can get there sooner than later, too. You WILL get there, that's a guarantee. We're here to hold your hand until you do. {{{hugs}}}

[calliope]

Thanks INF, you have no idea how much this helps. I'm still in early days & pretty messed up about the whole thing. I'm still don't think I'm over the shock of something he had been so sure about (leaving) for so long (3 mos) and after him reassuring me it was the right thing for him, that after only 2 days he went back. I just feel like I can drive myself absolutely crazy trying to figure out what happened, but in the end, does it really matter?? The result is still what it is.

 

As for the field trip - purely coincidence, unfortunately. It worked out really weird actually.....I was thinking about driving past the park parking lot to see if maybe he was there for a walk. I convinced myself not to do it, so I took a different route behind the park, which is where I saw his car....sigh.... Ever feel like the universe is poking you in the eye??

[ItsNeverForever]

I'm still don't think I'm over the shock of something he had been so sure about (leaving) for so long (3 mos) and after him reassuring me it was the right thing for him, that after only 2 days he went back....

 

Man. If I had a nickel...*frowns* I've been through this more times than I care to admit. It really, really sucks and does such a number on you, bc as smart, loving women, it just doesn't make logical sense to us. That's because there's no logic involved, only a man's emotional/egotistical indecisiveness. And there is absolutely NO accounting for logic in that.

 

As for the field trip - purely coincidence, unfortunately. It worked out really weird actually.....I was thinking about driving past the park parking lot to see if maybe he was there for a walk. I convinced myself not to do it, so I took a different route behind the park, which is where I saw his car....sigh.... Ever feel like the universe is poking you in the eye??

 

Girrrrrrl!!!! I've been living it the past 6 months - I should have both eyes patched! LOL! My "MM" and I frequently miss each other by just a couple minutes ALL the TIME. I can "feel" that he's there or has been recently, and it is always confirmed later. Right now I have to be really cognizant of days/times I go to the "gym" we used to frequent together, going only when I know he can't be there due to his work schedule, or going on days that he doesn't like to go there. And just to be sure, I ALWAYS check the parking lot for his car before I go in. Of course, more than once I've been hornswaggled into running into him there because he wasn't in his own car. Ow! My eyyyyyye!!!

 

Anyway, I am definitely a believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason...and I fully believe that these eye-poking incidences play right into that, even if only for the possibility that we learn something about ourselves from it. I think that was the case for you at the park? You took away something useful from that situation, didn't you?

[ItsNeverForever]

Calli, sorry about that goofed up multi-quoted post...I hope you can make sense of it.

[siuys]

calliope, how are you doing today? hope you haven't heard from him... and hope you're staying strong and optimistic...

[East7]

The wishful thinking are the last that die ! (Unless that MM/MW tells you explicitly they are never going to be with you)

 

All the dreams you have built have strong foundations in your mind. The wishful thinkings go on along the grieving process, they die when you stop thinking about MM/MW. When you accept that MM/MW will probably be never yours or in your life, all these dreams will collapse.

 

All the process is gradual, you can never stop hoping over-night.

[ItsNeverForever]

Calliope, I'm thinking about you this morning, hoping you're having a good day and holding strong!

 

I was just re-reading this thread, and Hazy has a really good point - maybe you could try changing your wishes? Aside from a better romantic relationship, there must be something else in this world you really wish for...focus on THAT instead!

 

[calliope]

I'm not having a good day today. I woke up this morning just filled with sadness - the first time I've felt that so far this week.

 

I haven't talked to him since Thursday and it's been really difficult. It feels like forever. This is the longest we've ever been out of touch..... I just miss him so much because we were always friends before anything else.

 

In my heart I know I'd take him back in a second, but I have to face the reality that I just can't put myself through this anymore.

 

He needs to figure his s**t out before I can be with him again. He obviously has way more issues than I can ever help him with. I'm just afraid that he'll figure out he doesn't want to be with me....and I don't want that. But realistically I have to face that possibility and accept it. That's the hard part.

 

Throughout the whole time, every time one of us ended things, whether me or him, it was always him who came back to me. I realize I took him back and I take full responsibility for all my actions because I knew the possibility of getting hurt was always there. But the fact that it was always him who was the one to came back just seems to be keeping me holding on. In the long run I know that's definitely not going to help me, but I can't help feeling that way right now when everything is still so fresh.

[siuys]

hang in there, calli. i experienced the very same things you are talking about. other than last time, where i broke NC, it was also always him who broke NC. some say that it's not over till it's over, or you can't maintain NC coz you haven't had enough pain. i think that is in my case - couldn't maintain NC until i've had enough pain.

 

i am still very afraid of him contacting me (but so far he's doing good) coz I am so afraid i would go back to that hellish place. love does not feel that way, and he is simply UNAVAILABLE and emotionally not able to give what is needed to build an R. not when he's with his wife still and unclear. that applies to you as well. even if he sorts his **** out it will still take time for him to be able to be in a healthy R. and who knows what is going on now?!

 

i know it's awful and hard now calli but you will get there. stay positive. it's only been a few days so it's really raw i understand. have faith as a few of us on here are on NC and going through different stages of this process so we are here for you...

 

day 15 for me. still think about him way too much at night. sleep still broken which sux. i am slowly accepting that that it is over, that he may never contact me again. and if he does, i want to be able to say NO.

 

day at a time, calli.

[phillyfan]

Its like a tsunami, when u r in it, or rite afta it, u cant expect 2 feel anythin but panic, and to be in survival mode, i was like that wen i lost someone in my family, a few days afta it gets a bit betta only cos the shock goes, then stil sad but u can see clearer then a while lata u get ur stuff that was washd away back and fixed, then u r more urself again. What I am sayin is, u r in panic n survival mode, dont rush it, soon ull get ova the shock, let it run, let it happn, it gets betta.