Long distance affairs - how did you deal with it ?

[East7]

I think I am a record of miles in LD A - Me in Europe - She in US.

 

I wonder how did you deal with the distance ?

 

We used to meet every 3-4 months but used to stay in contact absolutely 24/7 by phone, IM, skype etc. Even when she was in vacations she used to find a way to e-mail me everyday. We used to tell eveything about each-other's life. We used to send each-other gifts, cards etc.

 

I find that it made our meetings very special and intense but also very frustrating to be apart. I also think that distance adds more romance, fantasizing, putting the AP on a pedestal.

 

I still wonder how could we make it happen for so long (1.5 yr) when normal LDR are already very hard.

 

Im' just curious, how did you deal with the distance, how did it impact your R (A) ?

[OWoman]

I think I am a record of miles in LD A - Me in Europe - She in US.

 

I wonder how did you deal with the distance ?

 

We used to meet every 3-4 months but used to stay in contact absolutely 24/7 by phone, IM, skype etc. Even when she was in vacations she used to find a way to e-mail me everyday. We used to tell eveything about each-other's life. We used to send each-other gifts, cards etc.

 

I find that it made our meetings very special and intense but also very frustrating to be apart. I also think that distance adds more romance, fantasizing, putting the AP on a pedestal.

 

I still wonder how could we make it happen for so long (1.5 yr) when normal LDR are already very hard.

 

Im' just curious, how did you deal with the distance, how did it impact your R (A) ?

 

I'm not sure what the mile distance from the US (and, where in the US) to Europe (and, where in Europe) is, but I was in a similar situation, on the other side of the world from my lover. Fortunately we were only a couple of time zones apart, so time differences were not too big a deal.

 

He travels a lot, and we both work in the same field, and worked in the same type of organisation, which allowed us a lot of flexibility. We would spend extended periods - several months - together at a time, living as a couple (or as a family, depending on where we were) in my country, his country, or a different country. In between that, we did the usual - 24X7 contact through Skype, email, IM, SMS, and other comms. We both had very full lives, we both had kids, we both had active social lives and outside interests that kept us busy. And yes, the gifts, the cards, the flowers, the little surprises all helped.

 

But it became more and more frustrating, not being together. We decided we wanted to be together, and decided to make it happen. He had a list of things to do to make that possible from his side - getting a D, finding a place to live, etc - and I had a list of things to do from my side - packing up my job and life in my country and moving to his, which we decided was the most sensible place on balance, for a number of reasons. We did these, lived together while his D was being finalised, and then got M.

 

So, how the distance impacted our A - it made it become a M.

[Kismetly]

I think I am a record of miles in LD A - Me in Europe - She in US.

 

I wonder how did you deal with the distance ?

 

We used to meet every 3-4 months but used to stay in contact absolutely 24/7 by phone, IM, skype etc. Even when she was in vacations she used to find a way to e-mail me everyday. We used to tell eveything about each-other's life. We used to send each-other gifts, cards etc.

 

I find that it made our meetings very special and intense but also very frustrating to be apart. I also think that distance adds more romance, fantasizing, putting the AP on a pedestal.

 

I still wonder how could we make it happen for so long (1.5 yr) when normal LDR are already very hard.

 

Im' just curious, how did you deal with the distance, how did it impact your R (A) ?

We not only live at different ends of the country - and in Australia that's just about as far as from the US to Europe - but I also work abroad at least 2 weeks per month.

 

We have a few days together every month and when we're apart we do the constant communication thing.

 

For the first 3 or 4 months of the relationship we lived in the same place, and we basically lived in the town as as a dating couple. We've been doing the distance thing for nearly 6 months and now I've got the opportunity to go back there for another 6 months.

 

I'm really torn about if to do it or not.

 

I suspect the distances is the only thing that makes the affair tolerable. I couldn't tolerate carrying on an affair with him if he was with me and going home to his wife every night. As it is, when he spends his 2 days a fortnight or so at home - usually when I'm abroad, I chose not to speak with him. I don't consider it's my time to intrude on - but it's not very often, so I can be in denial about it!!

[East7]

Owoman and Kismetly, thanks for sharing.

 

I also think if we were living in the same area and had to deal with hiding and stolen rendezvous, it could have been much more stressful (like I read from ppl here on LS).

The way I experienced it, I came to conclusion that it is beneficial for the married AP and frustrating for the single AP. But on the other hand, distance makes you meet at places when no one knows you and you can behave like a normal couple, share night and day, no limitations. So good for feeling free, but not good if you want to see the OP every time you want.

 

And curiously it wasn't distance that lead to break-up but the very fact she wanted to keep the status-quo and not change anything. Distance doesn't always kills the feelings. If I was less demanding we could have went on for years like this, but I was tired of that.

[Kismetly]

 

 

The way I experienced it, I came to conclusion that it is beneficial for the married AP and frustrating for the single AP. But on the other hand, distance makes you meet at places when no one knows you and you can behave like a normal couple, share night and day, no limitations. So good for feeling free, but not good if you want to see the OP every time you want.

 

And curiously it wasn't distance that lead to break-up but the very fact she wanted to keep the status-quo and not change anything. Distance doesn't always kills the feelings. If I was less demanding we could have went on for years like this, but I was tired of that.

 

I think that's right. I think the distance is perfect for the married

AP because they they have far less to explain. It's frustrating for the single AP to some extent - although I suspect way less so than the concept of witnessing your partner going home to their spouse every night. I think that would be very difficult.

 

I think distance actually enhances the feelings, because it's another barrier to reality. You're not there living the day to day life - it's all roses!! Not real, but very, very enticing!!

[Just a stone's throw]

Well, I think I am just a very "physical person" but without occasional face-to-face meetings it's very hard to keep this type of thing going, married or single. Sometimes when it ends distance is the cure for an A and sometimes it's the scourge.

 

I can say that when an AP moves locales it puts a different spin on the R because they are involved in a whole new world that you are not part of. Their time becomes engrossed in new friends, new places, new things and you find out you're of very little importance to them. That's when reality of "it's only an A" sets in.

 

Good luck!

 

JAST

[siuys]

I think I am a record of miles in LD A - Me in Europe - She in US.

 

I wonder how did you deal with the distance ?

 

We used to meet every 3-4 months but used to stay in contact absolutely 24/7 by phone, IM, skype etc. Even when she was in vacations she used to find a way to e-mail me everyday. We used to tell eveything about each-other's life. We used to send each-other gifts, cards etc.

 

I find that it made our meetings very special and intense but also very frustrating to be apart. I also think that distance adds more romance, fantasizing, putting the AP on a pedestal.

 

I still wonder how could we make it happen for so long (1.5 yr) when normal LDR are already very hard.

 

Im' just curious, how did you deal with the distance, how did it impact your R (A) ?

 

I was in a LDR with my ex-H many years ago - him in europe, me in asia. we would fly back and forth few times a year and faxed - yes, faxed - each other every day. And sometimes talked on the phone. this was when international calls were very expensive, and obviously before emails, skype and what not. but we were both serious about the R (was not an A) and we actively made plans to be together. We were in the LDR for about a year and a bit before we made a decision - either he would move to asia, or me to europe. Anyway, in the end we got married.

 

The M did not last. I am still unsure why. I think LDRs are not the best because on some level you are not available. You cannot really 'date' or do weekend stuff to get to know each other enough. You miss each other all the time so of course it's going to be fab when you eventually see each other. I would not consider an LDR today.

 

If you guys are serious, and can make some plans to stay together for at least a month or so here and there to try and gage the compatibility and to ease into 'daily living' you might have a very good chance... but right now, sounds like it's all romance, and reality hasn't quite hit yet.

[East7]

Thanks to everyone for the inputs.

 

It's frustrating for the single AP to some extent - although I suspect way less so than the concept of witnessing your partner going home to their spouse every night. I think that would be very difficult.

 

I have been only once at her town and experiencing her going back every night to her H, was very humiliating for me and stressful for her, I lived it only once and it made me sick, I can measure the stress and the pain of those AP who are locals.

 

I think distance actually enhances the feelings, because it's another barrier to reality. You're not there living the day to day life - it's all roses!! Not real, but very, very enticing!!

 

That's so true ! It adds fantasy, daydream, things are lived like in a movie. At least in the first stages.

 

I can say that when an AP moves locales it puts a different spin on the R because they are involved in a whole new world that you are not part of. Their time becomes engrossed in new friends, new places, new things and you find out you're of very little importance to them. That's when reality of "it's only an A" sets in.

JAST

 

Not sure to get this 100%. If you mean that when the AP comes closer to the MAP and starts a new life for his own, makes the A insignificant or less important ?

 

I don't think that being close to her would made me give her less importance just because I met new people.

 

I think LDRs are not the best because on some level you are not available. You cannot really 'date' or do weekend stuff to get to know each other enough. You miss each other all the time so of course it's going to be fab when you eventually see each other. I would not consider an LDR today.

 

If you guys are serious, and can make some plans to stay together for at least a month or so here and there to try and gage the compatibility and to ease into 'daily living' you might have a very good chance... but right now, sounds like it's all romance, and reality hasn't quite hit yet.

 

Siuys, My LD-A is over, I was just talking about the whole experience of LDR.

 

Yes, both APs are so craving to see each-other than when they meet it is all sparks and passion.

 

Anyway, the LDRs are very frustrating and even you might get to know the person by daily contact (phone, IM etc) you still need to share recreational activities together to feel connected and to know the person on a daily basis. As you, I would hardly reconsider another LDR in the future.

[blizzard]

We were only one state apart.

 

But the visits became more frequent. Which only caused our relationship to grow more intense. I believe that if xMM would have lived any closer...I would have never felt like loving anyone ever again. Sometimes distance can be a good thing.

[Just a stone's throw]

Sorry to confuse things. We were 4 miles apart then 2400 miles apart due to a relocation.