Hearing about ALL the affair details... is it useful to know ALL the gory detail?

[Bryanp]

Big Cat,

 

Your wife had a sexual 6 month affair while you were dating and only 1 to 2 years before you married. Now in the first year of your marriage you catch her in communications with the same guy with craving messages to him. What is wrong with this picture. Why did she get married in the first place? This is happening in the first year of a marriage then you may have grounds for an annulment. I would suggest talking to an attorney. If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would be so accepting. I wish you luck.

[Flgirl44]

I received all the gory details down to how many times he got off/ she got off/ where in the house they did it, what positions, how long it lasted, was it good, what her body looked like down to tattoos. It helped in some ways. I was able to paint the whole picture of what happened pretty easily after that. There was no longer any questioning to be done, which in a way set my mind at ease. BUUUTT it doesn't leave any wiggle room for escaping exactly what they did, how much it sucks, and how you were so obviously out of their mind and disconnected in those moments.... you feel that tenfold.

[Flgirl44]

its like I got cheated on but I’m the one that has to do most of the work afterward too…

 

This is the most unfair part. Now that the person has cheated, in order to stay in the relationship you have to find out why they did it and work on the relationship. aka what you did to drive them away. And you have to forgive and get over all the negative emotions it brings. It just all this burden thrown on your lap by someone that reasonably speaking cannot relate or feel your sadness because they didn't have the emotional ties to you in the first place not to hurt you. It's hard to have your SO expect you love them enough to work through problems in the midst of betrayal when they didn't love you enough to confront you with gravity of their grievances in a respectable manner.

[love4me2c]

I left my husband because he did not want to be truthful with me. I do not regret it at all. I also agree that I cannot forgive what I do not know. I never did find out who the other woman was, nor do I care at this point. I left his butt and wish I had done it sooner.

[kaysun]

Very few BH have only wanted to be told the affair was over. Never wanted to ask or discuss the affair.

 

Most want to know everything that happened.

 

Some BH want every detail.

 

So as you can see the need how much to know depends on the BS to heal. The problem is that the WS will not give the BS what they need and this is why recovery fails, stalls, never completed.

 

I wanted to know everything. Positions, hand placement, what was said, how it was said, etc, etc. In hindsight, I wished I wouldn't of asked certain questions but I wanted / needed them at the time.

 

How can you forgive if you don't know everything you're forgiving??? If we were to reconcile, I wanted it all out in the open, so I didn't obsess over it somewhere down the road.

[ConflictedGuy27]

details aren't important if you're stepping away from the marriage.

 

I asked for and got details pertaining to my ex wife's affair. think it helped? lol. well... it helped me get angry enough to serve that slut, divorce her & move on.

 

the fact of the matter is this -- someone who has cheated on you, cheated on you. they betrayed you; therefore the trust you have in that person will forevermore be suspect. this is something you'll have to weigh living with or not.

 

broken trust permeates all aspects of the relationship. some can repair it, if they wish to & are willing to try hard enough to obtain a newly developed relationship. in this capacity (BS & WS sincerely trying to repair things), details sorta matter -- it's connected to the trust issue.

 

HOWEVER, if you decide you're done with her, ALL unknown details are 500% irrelevant. just know she f*cked you over, you're pissed and are going to take care of business. the less you know helps you heal faster after you bail (if that's your option).

 

good luck.

[Distant78]

Yea, details were irrelevant to me. I knew all I had to know to drop her azz. But hey to each their own.

[WifeCheatedOnMe]

I can only reiterate what's been said and draw from my own recent experience (the last hellish year of my life). I pressed for details from day 1 and on day 365 still didn't know much of anything. It wasn't until I saw a years worth of e-mails and graphic pictures to realize the extent of the betrayal. Mind you during this entire year I was being told it (the A) was over, that I was the love of her life, that she couldn't imagine life without me. As for imagining sexual positions, etc., try being confronted with color glossy pictures of it. It certainly didn't help to 'know' that piece of information and I'll have those images to relive the rest of my life.

 

Knowing what I know now, it only makes sense to go after details if the WS willingly goes completely transparent with all information, DAY 1 or shortly thereafter and establishes NO CONTACT for eternity. Any deviation from that, LEAVE and don't look back. You'll only end up wasting your time and emotions. I still to this day cannot believe the level of betrayal and lies capable from a person I thought I knew for 12 years. It is definitely alien abduction syndrome, and unfortunately, I don't believe there's a complete cure. There will always be residual 'alien' left in this person and you will never have the person back that you once loved. You may have a slightly altered one that you can learn to love again, but DO NOT put that burden on yourself. That falls on the WS and should start immediately.

[Penney]

Every detail was useful for me to make an informed decision. It adds to the mindset of the cheating spouse. I also answered in the other thread about this topic.

 

ITA. I don't see how you can make an informed decision without knowing all of the details.

 

Look what happened before - you forgave her without knowing all of the details and went on to have a child with her and marry her and she is right back up to her old tricks again.

[Penney]

I was "the cheater". I provided my husband all the details of my interaction with the OM. The problem is he don't believe it and is constantly telling me if I don't tell him what I'm hiding he'll never trust me again and yes I understand his issues with not trusting.

Your marriage is doomed then because he hasn't forgiven you. He may never be able to forgive you. You may stay married until one of you dies, but it won't be a happy marriage.

 

Have you been in marital counseling?

[Penney]

HOWEVER, if you decide you're done with her, ALL unknown details are 500% irrelevant. just know she f*cked you over, you're pissed and are going to take care of business. the less you know helps you heal faster after you bail (if that's your option).

 

I disagree with this. The unknown details can be relevant to preventing you from ever going back to the WS, especially if you have to maintain contact to co-parent a child. And the unknown details can give you insight into how you were deceived so that you learn from this and don't let it happen to you again.

 

Now if you are just going to dwell on the details and seethe and stew over it to the point it leaves you angry and bitter and ruins future relationships, well, that is not healthy, but I think that would happen regardless of whether you know all the details or not if you are the type to do that.

[Big Cat]

details aren't important if you're stepping away from the marriage.

 

I asked for and got details pertaining to my ex wife's affair. think it helped? lol. well... it helped me get angry enough to serve that slut, divorce her & move on.

 

the fact of the matter is this -- someone who has cheated on you, cheated on you. they betrayed you; therefore the trust you have in that person will forevermore be suspect. this is something you'll have to weigh living with or not.

 

broken trust permeates all aspects of the relationship. some can repair it, if they wish to & are willing to try hard enough to obtain a newly developed relationship. in this capacity (BS & WS sincerely trying to repair things), details sorta matter -- it's connected to the trust issue.

 

HOWEVER, if you decide you're done with her, ALL unknown details are 500% irrelevant. just know she f*cked you over, you're pissed and are going to take care of business. the less you know helps you heal faster after you bail (if that's your option).

 

good luck.

 

 

 

You're right, the details don't really matter if you're going to cut things... In the last 6 weeks since d-day I realised that the only reason I wanted details was because I had a sort of default mental position of considering working through this somehow. And that's the truth - I haven't decided what to do yet. Maybe that's s why I need all the detail - so I can see the extent of the betrayal. Sometimes I look at her affair and think it was a bit pathetic and sordid (this makes it easier to bear) but most of the time I just wind myself up and get angry.

 

Anyway, I've squeezed as much out of her as I can and although she has offered plenty of tears, regrets and pleas, I've not had that moment of feeling she offered a voluntary 'confession' where she elaborated on what she did... it's for that reason I feel stuck on that first step and can't even begin to think of what to do next.

[dreamingoftigers]

I wanted every sordid little stupid detail right to the colour of his underwear.

 

He trickle-truthed me and I don't think he has told me everything yet. I am waiting for full disclosure and I will not fully be in this relationship again until I get it.

 

I would also like to know what was so damn important that he had to risk my life, our family and our future together. Details matter.

 

"I don't know why" is not good enough, because if they don't know, they don't know if they'll ever do it again.