When We have Been Cheated On Why Are We So Desperate To Know Every Detail?

[Rose1977]

Iwas just wondering if anyone who is further into counseling or has a better understanding of this can explain it to me. It seems across the board, that all of us who have been betrayed have an almost obsessive need to know every detail no matter how painful. I am no diifferent, I have begged for details that I now wish I didn't know. Why is that need to know everything so strong?

[Big Cat]

Talk about coincidence... I've just posted a similar question, asking where do you draw the line with detail. You have decided you had too much - can you explain why you wish you didn't know it?

 

In my case (but I'm unbalanced by anger) I felt the need to know because I was never 'offered' more detail than what I uncovered and I felt that this restraint in my OH meant that I hadn't got at the whole horrid truth. I ask myself if I really want to hear and if I can face my worst imagined fears (e.g. she planned to leave me, or loved him more than me) and to be honest it's a difficult question. I do tell myself that I have to face it though.

 

I will add one thing - I dont believe you can even start to digest anything until you feel you have the whole truth - at least that's my belief but I may be wrong... I'll let you know when I know better.

[Ella whispers]

Because you want to picture where you were and what you were doing while your partner was sneaking around. You want to know everything because then you will feel that the person has been honest with you and if they tell you everything they will continue to doing as much. If you know everything you won't feel like a fool. You want to see how they remember this other person so you can compare yourself to their memories.

[Rose1977]

LOL just saw you posted the same question. Things I wish I didn't know are details like WHERE they did it in his (now our) house. Let's just say it doesn't feel the same to watch TV and relax on the couch anymore. Things like how he gave her a backrub which is what he does to relax me when I'm anxious. It makes it not the same when he tries to relax me now wiith a backrub. Those kind of details I am not sure I should have pushed for.

 

I still have problems with anger much as you. It almost feels like we are hurting ourselves worse by demanding these details, yet it seems we all do it. My BF admittedly did not tell me every single detail (like the backrub) until recently because he didn't see it as important and didn't want to jurt me worse. I forced it out of him, and kind of wish I hadn't but I also wonder if true healing is possible without every little detail.

[Rose1977]

Because you want to picture where you were and what you were doing while your partner was sneaking around. You want to know everything because then you will feel that the person has been honest with you and if they tell you everything they will continue to doing as much. If you know everything you won't feel like a fool. You want to see how they remember this other person so you can compare yourself to their memories.

 

That definitely rings true. One of the things I was more than desperate to know was what he told me he was doing while he was cheating. I wanted to know how he lied, what went into it. I wanted to hear him tell me how he lied to me so I could see if it bothered him to talk about lying to me. Judging by the amount of vomiting he did during the conversation I think it did bother him. He kept begging me to stop asking and I kept pushing. I kind of regret it and I even feel bad that he got so sick talking about it.

[bentnotbroken]

I needed every detail for a couple of reasons. One I needed to know what went on in my home. I needed to know that if what I was reading(through their hours of communication) was all there was and finally I have a very vivid imagination. For me the actual details were a relief compared to the mind movies and the way I built images in my mind.

[KikiW]

I know I wanted to know everything because I didn't want to feel like a fool. To quote from my favorite movie, "Knowledge is POWER." Knowing exactly what went on, when, and in what context let me make decisions based on all the facts. I never like making potentially life-changing decisions based on half-truths or things I don't have the full story on, that doesn't seem smart to me.

 

I can understand if others don't want to know details, but that would not have worked for me.

[Summer Breeze]

The minute I found out about my Hs A I ended it. I put him and it in a box and the only time it came out was when he was knocking on my door telling me it was a huge mistake and I couldn't possibly really leave him with our child. I didn't want to know anything and I still don't. He cheated and that was enough for me.

 

They didn't live in affairyland, as most APs don't, they ended up married and have been happily so for a good many years now.

 

I truly think if I'd tried to R I couldn't have stood all the sordid details of what he did. Knowing he cheated was bad enough how on earth could I have coped with the mechanics of it.

 

I know we're all different adn in this respect I'm the oddball.

[TerryW]

My need to know comes from "I want to know the truth about my life!" It pisses me off that another person who doesn't know me and that doesn't matter a flip to me knows the truth about the most painful time in MY life but I don't.