tb24 Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Here's my story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3097392&postcount=5 She's just text me saying "Would you really take me back if I quit smoking?" Now, I'm thinking of replying saying "If you quit smoking and got a job, in a second. If you just quit smoking I'd consider it." Quite frankly, I'm starting to get over her and although I could easily fall back in love with her I'm not sure I want to put myself in that position again if the problems are there. I don't know what to do, I guess I could tell her to change or she can't be with me but is that really fair on her? I guess she'd at least know she can do things to win me back. I suppose my question is, is essentially giving her an ultimatem really fair on her and is it something I should do?
Jdw_Icequeen Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Did you start a relationship with her when she was a smoker? Did you start one when she didn't have a job? She may want you back but she will get over you.. If you can't have a relationship with her because of such trivial nonsense. I am not sure you really loved her that much to begin with. I think she needs someone who will love her for who she is. Thats what I would say to you if u dumped me on that note. I would also tell you to take a hike because I gurantee there are people out there that will love her and care for her without a job or because she smokes or what ever your little hang ups are. No offense but some of us have real relationship problems. Your reasons "if that is your main concern" sound like excuses.. I would just leave her alone.
fiat500 Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 Wouldn't you want a second chance if you asked for one? You have to lay everything out and tell her where you stand. And if she disagrees then at least you can both walk away knowing that you're at different places in your life. Relationships take compromises sometimes but not so much compromise that the person has to change who they are. Your request for her to quit smoking and get a job is for her own benefit. They're not unreasonable. She has to come to the conclusion that if she wants kids she needs to get a job and maintain it which means her plans would have to be put on the backburner for now until she can also provide some support. Why not try? You can at least walk away knowing you gave her a fair shot.
Eddie Edirol Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 Jdw_Icequeen - No offense but some of us have real relationship problems.Dont attack the guy, NO ONE here has problems that cant be fixed. Most people here just have excuses of why they dont want to fix these "real" problems. TB You cant change people, they have to change themselves. Thats why you left her. She wants to smoke, she doesnt want to work. You making her do things while she is desperate doesnt mean she will stick to it later, or change her ways now. Leave her alone. If you run into her in a few months and she stopped smoking and got a job for her own improvement, then you can get back with her, if she'll take you back. She'll be more attractive then too. Dont start dating people thinking you will change things that bug you about them.
hoping2heal Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 Dont start dating people thinking you will change things that bug you about them. This is some of wisest advice I've read on LS to date. Do not ever date a person for their "potential" or because they would be everything you want "if only". Take a good look at who your partner is now, if you cannot accept that person then do you both a favor and hit the road. Might they change? They absolutely could. They absolutely may not ever which will result in frustration and resentment on BOTH of your ends. I'd like to think I unconditionally love my partner. I have not always felt that way, but it's a place that has come after a lot of time and experience together and I believe a lot of personal growth and discovery as well. I have not always understood nor had the capacity to "love a person in spite of faults" Did I love them? Sure. Did their faults bug the hell out of me? Yes. Did I hope/pray/encourage a change? You bet. For all the good it did me. I quit smoking nearly two years ago, cold turkey. Haven't touched one since. I am now not a fan of smoking, both for health reasons and it smells disgusting. My partner is a smoker. Who my partner is today, right this minute? He could stay that way forever and always and I would still be just as madly and crazily in love with him. I adore that man like no other. He is the most special and wonderful, charming and endearing human being (okay, with the exception of my Nephews!) I've had the pleasure of knowing. I don't feel resentful or annoyed and I'm not hiding bad feelings. I love the man just the way he is and I accept him. If he changes a few things? Well, fantastic! If he never does? So? He is still the most wonderful man put on this Earth as far as I am concerned.
Jdw_Icequeen Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 Dont attack the guy, NO ONE here has problems that cant be fixed. Most people here just have excuses of why they dont want to fix these "real" problems. TB You cant change people, they have to change themselves. Thats why you left her. She wants to smoke, she doesnt want to work. You making her do things while she is desperate doesnt mean she will stick to it later, or change her ways now. Leave her alone. If you run into her in a few months and she stopped smoking and got a job for her own improvement, then you can get back with her, if she'll take you back. She'll be more attractive then too. Dont start dating people thinking you will change things that bug you about them. This is not attack but the facts.. I am a blunt person and thatts how I see it. When you truly love someone you stand by them and try to work on your relationship together. When you get into a relationship excpecting someone to change. It dosen't work... Somehow I don't think that this persons ex just started smoking and quit her job one day.. If there are things that bug you that much about someone you shouldn't have started a relationship to begin with. Never start a relationship with someone hoping they will change for you. Your setting yourself and the other person up for major disappointment!
dest Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 (edited) Here's my story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3097392&postcount=5 She's just text me saying "Would you really take me back if I quit smoking?" Now, I'm thinking of replying saying "If you quit smoking and got a job, in a second. If you just quit smoking I'd consider it." Quite frankly, I'm starting to get over her and although I could easily fall back in love with her I'm not sure I want to put myself in that position again if the problems are there. I don't know what to do, I guess I could tell her to change or she can't be with me but is that really fair on her? I guess she'd at least know she can do things to win me back. I suppose my question is, is essentially giving her an ultimatem really fair on her and is it something I should do? Tell her to contact you when she has not touched a cigarette for one month and has worked for at least a few weeks. The reality is that if she gets that far, she will be happy and have all kinds of confidence and probably WONT call the guy who gave her an ultimatum and didn't stay by her side. The whole situation is tough. I'm sorry you're going through this. I read your other post and I think it is very smart of you to have made this decision with your head. I think it's best you two are not together. I don't think you're a "bad guy" in this dilemma. You don't have to feel guilty for wanting a wife/girlfriend with certain qualities. Don't put her in a position of her owing you an explanation. It will be a disaster, imagine if she actually starts smoking again after you take her back. This will turn into a really codependent relationship. I think you should be honest with her but you are not giving an ultimatum. She needs to be who she wants to be, but you in your own right want to be with a certain sort of person, and she does not fit those characteristics. Do not give her another chance. It would not be fair to either of you. Edited December 15, 2010 by dest
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