photojane Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Our marriage isn't perfect and we've been seeing a therapist. After a fight about having children (which he told the therapist wasn't a deal breaker) he decided that he was done. We've been together for 12 years, married for 4. No kids. Im 31, he just turned 35. He is a bad communicator. It has been one of our biggest issues. He doesnt like conflict and keeps things to himself until they all added up and he quit. He never gave the chance to address his issues and chose not to bring them up during therapy. So unfair. He left the house last Sunday and called on Tuesday to say he wasnt coming back. He was done. I asked him yesterday of we could get together and talk. He wasn't interested. How crushing. I feel so stuffed up with feelings that I have not been able to share with him, its killing me. I feel like I cant let him do this without at least having to hear me. I was thinking of writing to him. So that I can compose my thoughts on what has happened and what I beleive could happen. I know that most you say to go NC but in my case and for my marriage it doesnt feel right. I know that he loves me. I truly beleive that he may be suffering from deoression and that his judgement is clouded. Our therapist also said that in her last session with him, while he seemed to understand what he was saying, she did not. She is just as shocked as I am and as everyone else in our lives. I am not talking myself into thinking that this letter would change his mind. Maybe it would open him to at least speaking with me. At the very least I would feel that my voice got a chance. I know its a popular theory, but no, I do not believe that he is cheating. Our therapist does not and neither do any friends or family.
PegNosePete Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 What are you going to write that he doesn't already know? That you love him? That you think you can fix your marriage? That you want him to try harder? He already knows all those things. Your letter won't tell him anything that he doesn't already know. You'll just be repeating yourself and that will come across as whiny and clingy to him, and push him further away. It takes two to fix a marriage but only one to end it. No amount of effort on your part will cover up for his unwillingness. If he doesn't want to fix it then it cannot be fixed.
Author photojane Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 All true points that I am aware of, but I am not repeating myself because I have not had the opportunity to share my voice. That's why I am considering it. If it was the 11th time he had heard it, I would not.
PegNosePete Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 If he's not interested in talking then he is not interested in "sharing your voice" either. Didn't you already say all those things in your MC sessions? What are you going to write that he does not already know?
trippi1432 Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Hi Photojane - the two of you are going to counseling and that is a step in the right direction and a place to bring up your concerns. Should you write the letter, if it helps you put your feelings into perspective then yes. But do not give it to him. Right now, your emotions are in all different directions...writing or keeping a journal of them is the best way for you to look at them before your sessions and put them into perspective. Also, just to clarify, NC (no contact) is for you to heal, not a tool for getting your marriage back on track if you are working on it in MC. Have you asked your marriage counselor about the no contact thing? I can tell you from my personal experience, the NC route only served as justification later when my husband replaced me. If the not having kids is not a deal breaker in your marriage to him, then through counseling, the two of you need to uncover what you each want from the marriage to continue. If he turned you down on talking right now, don't let it throw you into a panic...I'm sure that there are emotions on both sides, but you can't just throw them out there....you have to willing to LISTEN too. I wouldn't think of it as not being given a voice, although I can understand that you have things you want to say as well, channel those emotions right now into a journal...then go back and read it in a couple of days and see where you are emotionally after a counseling session. It's human nature to let our emotions develop into fear and essentially destroy a good thing...it's experience and maturity that allow us to pause and reflect before we speak.
Author photojane Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 trippi- we are no longer in counseling together. He will not. He has quit.
just_some_guy Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 Right now, your emotions are in all different directions...writing or keeping a journal of them is the best way for you to look at them before your sessions and put them into perspective. Also, just to clarify, NC (no contact) is for you to heal, not a tool for getting your marriage back on track if you are working on it in MC. Have you asked your marriage counselor about the no contact thing? I can tell you from my personal experience, the NC route only served as justification later when my husband replaced me. I'll add that in spite of how it seems, NC may indeed be the best way to save the marriage. Think about how it feels to be on the other end of desperate actions and words. It is NOT attractive and probably will only serve to confirm the conclusions that had the S.O. decide to quit the relationship in the first place. NC let's people cool off, lick their wounds, heal a little bit. If there's a chance, it will come from a place of sanity, not a place of emotional desperation. Given that therapy has ended, NC is probably the best avenue for you at this point.
trippi1432 Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 trippi- we are no longer in counseling together. He will not. He has quit. I'm sorry to hear that Jane....didn't realize. Still there are things you wish you could say, but perhaps it is best to just write them out for now. Hopefully you are still doing the sessions to help you cope.
tojaz Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 PhotoJane, I can understand the torture your feeling. I have written pages and pages of letters to my ex, some I have shared here, most I haven't shared with anybody. From time to time i still jot down a paragraph or two and file it away. I dont do it for her anymore though, because as hard as it is to accept, I know she will not hear the words and that it would just set me up for another attack, another disappointment. Your writing a letter to your husband, but thats not who would receive it. Your husband would want to know, your husband would be there to hear it in person, and your husband would not have treated you the way this man has. People can twist the most sincerest of words into the most wicked things ever uttered if it suits their purposes. Its funny how the same words and thoughts that triggered love and care can all of a sudden be seen as threatening, manipulative, but at this time that is what will happen to your letter. Please write it, it can be very theraputic, but don't send it, not now. Hes not ready to hear what you have to say. TOJAZ
fltc Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 Write the letter, it can't hurt and might help. Even if it doesn't help at all it's only cost a bit of time....
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