Question for the guys who have broken up with their ladies..

[fiat500]

Obviously you ended your relationship due to a few things or others but it's apparent when you ended things with her, you no longer admired or respected her (in most cases)

 

If you no longer admired/respected her what could have been done on her part to at least salvage some respect?

 

I'm asking because I'm wondering what you think a dumpee could do to at least not be seen as some disgusting piece of trash that only confirms the choice of the dumper.

 

Besides No Contact being an obvious answer, what else?

[PegNosePete]

There is nothing she could do that does not involve a DeLorean going at 88mph.

[fiat500]

why is that?

[PegNosePete]

Because I will always regard her as a disgusting piece of trash no matter what she says or does in the future. The only way to change that would be to time travel and prevent her past self from doing what she did.

[fiat500]

okay she obviously betrayed you. I'm talking about ladies who get dumped who haven't cheated.

[fiat500]

any guy out there who ended things with someone not due to cheating?

[shocked_confused]

any guy out there who ended things with someone not due to cheating?

 

This is what I am wondering too. We're referring to guys who broke up with their gf's because they wanted to "experience life and be free and sow their oats" or whatever.

 

Personally, I don't think we could have done anything different to salvage our relationships. Only the guy himself can change his feelings. But since I'm not a guy, I don't know for sure...

[swfc_77]

i dumped my ex the first time we split, it was nothing to do with not respecting her or admiration, just that i felt we were moving in different directions, she didn't conduct any respect afterwards due to the way she acted, jumped straight into another relationship.

 

now we split again after trying again she still hasn't conducted any respect due to the way she ended it, which was very disrespecting and immature, when i last spoke she was on her high horse acting as though she's earnt something from ending the relationship, and telling me she's all family and friends and very proud of it, which if you stand back and look at the situation as a whole she's still a silly little girl who doesn't think before she speaks.

 

my thoughts on your question fiat500 is just to walk away with your head held up, dont chase, dont change (if your a good person inside) and be proud of who you are.

 

also dont go on the re-bound take some time out for yourself and enjoy other aspects of life, no-one has respect for you if you dont have respect for yourself.

[carhill]

If you no longer admired/respected her what could have been done on her part to at least salvage some respect?

 

A modicum of empathy and care would have gone a long way. I hope she finds a man who doesn't need that from a woman. Things didn't work out with the first three husbands, but each day is a new potential

[paleblue]

Yes, I have ended things a few times because they wind up wanting to control everything. Or they just want an ego boost. I don’t know how old you are, but I was more willing to put up with the antics women sometimes play, when I was in my 20’s, even up to my mid 30’s, just to be around them because they are fun and cute. I still think for the most part women are insanely cute, but I am 38 now and would rather just hang out with my buddies drinking beer or work on my house than deal with a control freak!

 

They could have salvaged it if they unclenched their butt cheeks and just relaxed. Or been straight up with me about what they wanted. The older you get the easier it is to spot someone who is a fake.

[PerpetualMotion]

Anyone that wants my respect must treat me with respect.

[fiat500]

I highly appreciate your responses, guys. Thank you!! :)

 

I have not chased him and never intend to and I was highly respectful of him throughout the relationship. I was single for almost 2 years until I met him and wasn't looking for anyone then so I'm not looking for anyone now. I don't do rebounds. I'm 24 and I have a good grasp on who I am and have been consistent. The friends I have now are those that I've had for years or since high school/military/college.

 

I think I'm pretty much set now.

[Leandro]

I highly appreciate your responses, guys. Thank you!! :)

 

I have not chased him and never intend to and I was highly respectful of him throughout the relationship. I was single for almost 2 years until I met him and wasn't looking for anyone then so I'm not looking for anyone now. I don't do rebounds. I'm 24 and I have a good grasp on who I am and have been consistent. The friends I have now are those that I've had for years or since high school/military/college.

 

I think I'm pretty much set now.

Like some of us said yesterday Fiat, you're a great girl. You'll find someone better than your ex.

 

He wasn't very mature anyways.

[Eddie Edirol]

Obviously you ended your relationship due to a few things or others but it's apparent when you ended things with her, you no longer admired or respected her (in most cases)

 

If you no longer admired/respected her what could have been done on her part to at least salvage some respect?

 

I'm asking because I'm wondering what you think a dumpee could do to at least not be seen as some disgusting piece of trash that only confirms the choice of the dumper.

 

Besides No Contact being an obvious answer, what else?

 

Theres only 2 ways to salvage respect.

 

1.) You dont NEED the respect. You dont CARE if he respects you. Youre not talking anymore, it doesnt matter if he respects you or not. It wont make your life any different, unless you choose to make it so.

 

2.) If he becomes a failure in life and comes looking for you, then he will have respect for you. But only by comparison.

 

He's not worrying about if you think he's disgusting, dont worry about if he sees you as disgusting.

[fiat500]

all right. brutally honest is good too.

[restart]

Obviously you ended your relationship due to a few things or others but it's apparent when you ended things with her, you no longer admired or respected her (in most cases)

 

If you no longer admired/respected her what could have been done on her part to at least salvage some respect?

 

I'm asking because I'm wondering what you think a dumpee could do to at least not be seen as some disgusting piece of trash that only confirms the choice of the dumper.

 

Besides No Contact being an obvious answer, what else?

 

 

Did you find out what (in particular) they never admired or respected about you anymore? I know its not cut and dry. There's always something. I dumped a girlfriend because I asked her is she had been having sex with others during our relationship and her response was "its just sex"; she was very broken when I started going NC on her, saying why she cant find someone to just accept her,which I take as meaning to respect her. Well, my answer was simple: how can you ask someone to accept your lies, cos thats what you're asking? Trust is very strong with me, and if thats breached, then respect is essentially gone too.

So, what she could have done?... is admit that, but she didnt or wouldnt.

 

I wouldnt put too much emphasis on worrying about the disgusting piece of trash conclusion...the dumper doesnt WIN, like a sportsgame, things just change; no one knows, except him, and maybe even thats cloudy, if his choice was not really not fraught with the wrong un-thoughout, motivations (unless you find out somehow).

[fiat500]

Well, he never really had a real emotional relationship before. Usually all his relationships started out carnal and the women always ended up leaving him.

 

He claimed that we shouldn't get into fights because none of his other exes fought with him. Um. first of all, the things he called fights were misunderstandings because he chose to only contact me through facebook or text while he was away college. We're 24. One of us is not acting our age. I was in a relationship before him for 2.5 years. I know what a real fight is. I never even raised my voice to this new kid. He was also under a lot of stress since he's never been away from home before. So he was also overwhelmed. The distance did not help my case. And college is pretty much a relationship killer and full of girls who are 19 and not 24 who also might have more common interests with guys like him.

 

I sealed my fate.

[fiat500]

Also he wasn't forgiving. He nitpicked things that happened once and never happened again. He told me I was too emotional. Emotional? Okay. I'm a chick. But really, I had been single for a couple years before meeting him and I shot him down a few times before deciding to give in and go out with him. I don't need a guy to validate me. I was fine by myself. And I don't have the urge to run into the arms of a man right now even though I'm deeply hurt.

 

SO how "emotional" could I have been? I do my own thing. If I'm ina relationship I show that I like and care about you.

 

My lethal mistake was driving up to his college and being too giving. He didn't value me anymore. How could he? There's hot 19 year olds walking around.

[restart]

You've said some well thoughout things, you have your head on snug.

 

Love is emotional, passion is always good and necessary, jeez what else is there.... don't fault yourself or your sense of devotion there. You're not at fault driving up there, you tried to re-reach him, hey you tried, otherwise you would've been left with thinking that you should have at some point, and you would never have known.

I chucked alot of letters and didnt respond when I was similar age, and later I really really regretted it, that I had not tried to continue to communcate with someone that had loved me and vice versa, since love is so elusive.

And the reason why? Because there was usually one or two things that really really made me miss that person later, that at the time you know you take for granted. Thats why continuing to communicate sometimes gets you out of the trees because you're too close.

 

So, if you're still stuck on him, and I think you still might be a bit, try putting all this into actual text words, or careful phone message etc. But avoid scathing remarks, no one likes remembering/hearing/reading those since they were already likely said; bring out any other good things you still feel. It'll be therapeutic for you, even if you dont end up sending it. But I think you're already moving on strongly.

[fiat500]

You've said some well thoughout things, you have your head on snug.

 

Love is emotional, passion is always good and necessary, jeez what else is there.... don't fault yourself or your sense of devotion there. You're not at fault driving up there, you tried to re-reach him, hey you tried, otherwise you would've been left with thinking that you should have at some point, and you would never have known.

I chucked alot of letters and didnt respond when I was similar age, and later I really really regretted it, that I had not tried to continue to communcate with someone that had loved me and vice versa, since love is so elusive.

And the reason why? Because there was usually one or two things that really really made me miss that person later, that at the time you know you take for granted. Thats why continuing to communicate sometimes gets you out of the trees because you're too close.

 

So, if you're still stuck on him, and I think you still might be a bit, try putting all this into actual text words, or careful phone message etc. But avoid scathing remarks, no one likes remembering/hearing/reading those since they were already likely said; bring out any other good things you still feel. It'll be therapeutic for you, even if you dont end up sending it. But I think you're already moving on strongly.

 

Wait. You miss women you have broken it off with? Well I guess that only comes with age. I won't write him a letter. I have too much pride for that because I will unfortunately always care about him. But he really disrespected me by the way he ended things. I offered him quite a few dignified ways out. I offered to drive up to his campus so he could break up with me for god's sake. LOL. A way out on a silver platter. He did not take them. He spat on me. I really can't be the one who reaches out to him. I feel like I'm valuable and didn't deserve the ending he gave me. Why should I have to be the one to open the lines of communication up ?

[dk.bnz.chi]

Obviously you ended your relationship due to a few things or others but it's apparent when you ended things with her, you no longer admired or respected her (in most cases)

 

If you no longer admired/respected her what could have been done on her part to at least salvage some respect?

 

I'm asking because I'm wondering what you think a dumpee could do to at least not be seen as some disgusting piece of trash that only confirms the choice of the dumper.

 

Besides No Contact being an obvious answer, what else?

 

have a rebound,try to make me look like a bad guy,cry/beg,start insulting,gossip,call call call and call.

if you leave the dumper alone it'll bring the respect you need. it worked for me in many situations(me being the dumper)

[grungesponge]

This might be somewhat cathartic for me. I just broke up with my girlfriend and I think it will help to get some closure. It wasn't that I lost respect for her because I do still respect her as a person but it really came down to fundamental differences.

 

1) She was overly critical and would snap at me often even when I was trying to do nice things for her.

 

2) I felt she did not support me fully. She would tell me that I couldn't do things or I just didn't have it in me. I wish she had had more faith in me.

 

3) I felt that there was a lack of mutual respect and some of her actions really hurt me and showed that she did not care how I felt. A few in things in particular at the end of the relationship were really the nails in the coffin.

 

4) The relationship was a little one-sided and there was a disparity in experience levels. I felt that she really did not love or care about me the way I did about her.

 

5) I think she had some boundary issues and her idea of what was appropriate in a relationship did not mesh with my view.

 

6) I don't think she had a very strong desire to please me sexually or emotionally. I felt she had lost a lot of her attraction to me and I wish she had done more to make me feel wanted.

 

7) She lacked accountability and constantly blamed me when things went wrong. She often held me to a much higher standard than she held herself to. There was a lot of hypocracy in her manner towards me.

 

8) She insisted on having exes be a part of her life and carried some baggage into the relationship. I understood and accepted some who were long term friends, but she wanted to reach out and meet with the person she had just stopped seeing before we became involved.

 

9) I don't think she was fully committed to me. She mentioned that she did not want to have children with me and it seemed like she was confused about what she wanted long term. I had doubts about us being happy years down the road.

 

There are other reasons but that covers the big stuff. I really tried to make things work and I'm sure she did too, but in the end we were just too different. I'm not sure if the above stuff could have been fixed at all and we had some really difficult discussions about it. If she had been less defensive and showed more understanding then I would have been more inclined to make it work. I certainly have my failings too but in the end there was a situation that I could just not accept and would not tolerate and we could not compromise. I don't know what it would take for me to reconsider. Probably some space and her realizing that she was at least partially responsible for the demise of our relationship. More effort and concern for me would be a good start but some changes in attitude and behavior would have to be evident too. I doubt that will ever happen.

Edited December 14, 2010 by grungesponge

[fiat500]

This might be somewhat cathartic for me. I just broke up with my girlfriend and I think it will help to get some closure. It wasn't that I lost respect for her because I do still respect her as a person but it really came down to fundamental differences.

 

 

 

There are other reasons but that covers the big stuff. I really tried to make things work and I'm sure she did too, but in the end we were just too different. I'm not sure if the above stuff could have been fixed at all and we had some really difficult discussions about it. If she had been less defensive and showed more understanding then I would have been more inclined to make it work. I certainly have my failings too but in the end there was a situation that I could just not accept and would not tolerate and we could not compromise. I don't know what it would take for me to reconsider. Probably some space and her realizing that she was at least partially responsible for the demise of our relationship. More effort and concern for me would be a good start but some changes in attitude and behavior would have to be evident too. I doubt that will ever happen.

 

Grungesponge! Thank you for the insight. I feel the same way about my ex. But he stopped caring after he went away. I drove up to see him whenever I could and was willing to compromise because I understood he was in school. No one is perfect. I accept flaws and people. I have flaws. He just never gave me a chance. His two major reasons for breaking up with me were two different instances that occurred once a few months a part. He was just looking for an excuse to break up and didn't want to tell me the truth that he lost interest because there's just too many choices at college.

 

He broke things off in the most disrespectful way possible. So that's why I feel the way I do and why I was concerned about regaining a man's respect. I don't plan on contacting him ever and I left him alone the moment after the break up happened. I know I shouldn't care and eventually I won't. But respect is the most important thing to me in a relationship and when someone craps all over me, I usually blame myself.

[fiat500]

have a rebound,try to make me look like a bad guy,cry/beg,start insulting,gossip,call call call and call.

if you leave the dumper alone it'll bring the respect you need. it worked for me in many situations(me being the dumper)

 

 

Yes. I haven't done any of the examples you provide.

 

I have just left him alone.

[fiat500]

Well it's been a month of NC now and I still have feelings for this undeserving cretin.

 

Anxiety in the mornings are not as bad as the first week so I am still making progress. After doing a lot of thinking I figured out that I was probably a rebound to him which opened up more pain and disappointment.

 

He dated the ex before me the same amount of months but she dumped him first. And throughout the relationship he had with me I would get the feeling that he held her up on a pedestal. We knew of each other the year before but we didn't really start hanging out until about two months after his break up with her and didn't go out until three months of hanging out and getting to know each other more.

 

I meant absolutely nothing to him.