I'm stuck!

[OhSnap]

So, here's the situation...

 

My bf (20) and I (22) have been in an LDR for two years. We met while he was on vacation here and he just couldn't let me go Everything has been great - there's been ups and downs, but we've made the best out of the 2,000 miles between us. I'm the happiest I've ever been in life.

 

However, when our relationship began, it was with the (reasonable) understanding that one of us would relocate. Within the first 6 months of our relationship, I volunteered to make the move after I graduated. At the time, I only had my classes tying me to my hometown. Honestly, I just wasn't happy here and thought that starting fresh would be good for me. We never discussed any other options after that point.

 

Fast forward almost two years. I graduate in April and I realize our LDR is supposed to be coming to an end. While I should be spending my time mentally preparing for a cross-country move, I find myself panicking. It's become clear to me that I'm not the same person I was when I made the promise to relocate. For the first time in a long time, I'm happy living where I am - my best friend is awesome, my job is great and there are other great things coming my way (potential dream job, grad school, etc.) True, I could find a new best friend and a new job, but the dream job/grad school is highly unlikely, at least not right away.

 

At this point, I just feel really... terrible? Guilty? Selfish? Disappointing? I'm not sure what the word is. All I know is that from the moment I said I'd be the one to relocate, my bf has always said things like "when you live with me", "when you live here", "after you graduate". It's like my relocation was our little beacon of hope. No matter how much we struggled with being apart, we could always remind each other it'd be over soon. I feel like I'm taking that away now. Maybe this is nerves (I don't do well with change and there will be a lot of it), or maybe I'm just not ready to leave my hometown. I'm not sure.

 

So, questions for you lovely people:

 

1) How did you feel prior to relocating? Did you have any doubts? Were you nervous? How did you feel about starting your life over in another place?

 

2) How do I bring this up with my bf? I do not want to give him the wrong impression. I love him, I do want to be with him, but I'm nervous/not ready to move across the country yet. He will be understandably crushed, but I don't want my lack of tact to contribute.

 

3) Is it selfish to extend an LDR for a great job opportunity or grad school? At what point should a relationship take priority over something else?

 

I apologize for the wall of text, but I know you guys are experts and will give me some great advice. Thank you in advance!

[hoping2heal]

What are the reasons behind him not wanting to relocate?

[Komplicated]

I think what you are feeling is only natural, as you said so much has changed since you made that promise. You've been together and have had to overcome many obstacles together, i think this one should be no different. My advice would be to tell him that so much has changed since you made that promise and now that the time is near you are a bit uncertain. Surely he will understand, because moving 2000 miles and having to leave behind the things you have become accustomed to is a challenge for everyone. Once you two talk about it then you can decide what is the best way forward.

If after discussing it with him, you still feel uncertain and not ready then you should ask him for more time. I know it will be hard on you both, but at least this way you can make a decision without feeling so much pressure. Don't give him a time line- just ask for some time because when time lines start winding down it causes us to feel pressured and anxious.

I also think your happiness is the only priority. If moving to be with a relationship is what will make you happy then that's what you should do. If staying where you are will make you happy then that's what you should do. It may seem selfish now, but it will save both of you a lot of unnecessary trouble in the future.

[HeavenOrHell]

From a different perspective; I'm anxious my partner might do this to me, not that you're doing anything wrong, however I worry that my partner brought up the future and wanting to love closer in X amount of time way too early, basically after our first meeting face to face, we'd only been in touch for 3 or 4 months. I said it was too early to talk about it but he kept wanting to and in the end, after a while, I said I would like to live closer in time. But now it seems to be me who initiates talking about it so I've worried he's changed his mind, but he says he hasn't, so I think the thought of it makes him anxious, overwhelmed by the thought I think, he's not forthcoming with his feelings so I'm guessing, based on what I know he's like! I've made it clear I'll do all I can to help with the move when the time comes.

I think it's unwise to start planning a future so early on, cos we need to see how our r/ships will evolve and whether it's definitely looking like it will be a LTR, also for people studying and not yet settled in a career it's wise to not look ahead too far and decide too early on who should do the moving as you don't know what the future will bring.

Is there any way he would move? I feel guilty in a way that I expect my partner to move for me, even though he says he doesn't have a life there and he knows I do here, I'm still incredibly appreciative that he would even consider doing this.

I wouldn't move to his country for various reasons and he is fine with that, but it doesn't mean I love him less or anything.

I think you'll have to just be straight with your partner and say you've got a dilemma because you've been offered a fantastic job but on the other hand you really want to be with him and you're not sure what to do. I would hope he'd say you should take the job and that you'll still find a way to be together. Maybe he'd consider moving and see it's not an easy decision to make. Make it clear your feelings for him haven't changed-if they haven't?

Have to admit that in his shoes I would be freaked out by you saying you're not sure you can move there, so make it very clear you do still want a future together (if you do) but that you might not get a job offer like that again.

Please be sure you're not giving any false hope, make sure your feelings towards him haven't changed before you promise anything. Don't say anything to please him, be sure that you mean it

 

BTW it's ALWAYS a good idea to not put everything into a relationship with no focus on anything else, what I mean is we all need other things in our life, job, kids, hobbies, friends for example, it's healthy! It's not selfish to not move because of a job for example, but compromises are good where possible.

I don't envy you in all this! Good luck!

Edited December 10, 2010 by HeavenOrHell

[OhSnap]

@hoping2heal: We never talked about the possibility of him moving here because we were both so sure that I could do it. I know college would make it hard for him to come here. He's already applied to the colleges he wants to go to in his area and there's not much in my area for what he wants to do. Plus, application deadlines are coming up very soon, so even if he did find something here, he wouldn't be able to start next September. As for family, job, etc. I can't really gauge that. He's really close to his family, but I don't know if that means he'd be uncomfortable being half a country away from them.

 

@Komplicated: Thank you for the advice. I am leaning towards asking for more time, but I'm still torn. I don't want to rush the relationship or end up resenting my bf, but I also don't want to get into the habit of putting the relationship off.

 

@HeavenOrHell: Thank you for sharing your situation and giving advice - especially on making sure my feelings are the same and selfishness. I definitely hear you on your first point. I totally feel like we rushed into deciding on an end-point for our LDR. It made sense at the time - I had no plans to go to grad school/work here until recently - but as you said, you never know what will come up.

 

I think he'd be willing to move here, if it weren't for his school/family. He seems to really enjoy his visits here, plus all my friends are incredibly fond of him (and vice versa, if you can believe it!! )

 

Once I get my head together, I will talk to him about this. I'll probably end up asking for more time, if only to decide what direction I'm heading. Thank you all for your help I knew I'd get some solid advice!!

[creighton0123]

Four options:

 

1. You relocate - you have hesitation and need to figure out if it is just nervousness in relocating or general unwillingness to relocate.

 

2. He relocates - obviously not an option depending on where he will be attending school since his desired program requires certain colleges.

 

3. You both relocate - both of you decide on a location that favors your needs.

 

4. You delay. The last is difficult in and of itself unless you delay for a certain amount of time. If you accept your dream job and attend graduate school, you're obliged to professionally give your company at least one year to make up for their investment.

 

You should also consider changing your thinking a little bit. You said to Komplicated that you don't want to "put the relationship off". This is a bad way of thinking about things when it comes to an LDR. The relationship exists - albeit adding a disability in being unable to touch your partner.

 

You mentioned experiencing "terrible? Guilty? Selfish? Disappointing?"

 

It is perfectly natural to feel this way at first. The basis of your relationship is fundamentally changing. In fact, it's taking a 180 degree flip. When you first met, he was the one who had to go back, leaving you with your old life and missing him. That would make him the traveling partner.

 

Now, as he's going off to college and your contemplating a decision to stay, you become the traveling partner.

 

The person going away or staying away may feel terrible, guilty, selfish, and disappointing, emotions the person staying/remaining behind doesn't often feel.

 

Hope things work out :-)

 

-Creighton