To Those having an affair(Or Considering it)

[redcurls]

So, if this was an OW who found out the MM had 3 other OW on the go, would we answer the same, would we understand the lashing out?

 

No, I don't think we would! We would say things like: "what do you expect? once a cheater, always a cheater." Or "what made you (the OW) think that you are special to him? Of course he would cheat on you - he cheater in his WIFE!" and so on.

 

OP can be as angry as he wants to be - but lets just all agree that this sudden burst of love and appreciation for his wife, isn't genuine. I hope that the slut will indeed take him back, when he will come crawling - it will only be fitting.

[Owl]

No, I don't think we would! We would say things like: "what do you expect? once a cheater, always a cheater." Or "what made you (the OW) think that you are special to him? Of course he would cheat on you - he cheater in his WIFE!" and so on.

 

OP can be as angry as he wants to be - but lets just all agree that this sudden burst of love and appreciation for his wife, isn't genuine. I hope that the slut will indeed take him back, when he will come crawling - it will only be fitting.

 

Can't agree with that. It might or might not be true. OP hasn't posted enough information to truly make that distinction yet.

 

I can absolutely agree that I dislike the use of the word "slut".

 

What I'm hoping the OP will do is come back and clarify why he's that angry with her...what were the real expectations between them that were violated?

 

He might have posted this so that his wife might read it...or he might not have and this could be a picture of how he feels now. There simply isn't enough information posted yet to know for sure...so any speculation at this point would be based on my/our own projections as opposed to information provided by the OP.

[BB07]

No, I don't think we would! We would say things like: "what do you expect? once a cheater, always a cheater." Or "what made you (the OW) think that you are special to him? Of course he would cheat on you - he cheater in his WIFE!" and so on.

 

OP can be as angry as he wants to be - but lets just all agree that this sudden burst of love and appreciation for his wife, isn't genuine. I hope that the slut will indeed take him back, when he will come crawling - it will only be fitting.

 

redcurls.....I don't mean to put you on the defensive, but maybe you are projecting what you believe is your own situation into this?

I know I've been guilty of that at times.

[redcurls]

redcurls.....I don't mean to put you on the defensive, but maybe you are projecting what you believe is your own situation into this?

I know I've been guilty of that at times.

 

 

Nope. But I have been on other forums where things such as these are going on and it always infuriates me. My situation id 180 degrees to the opposite.

[TigerCub]

So, if this was an OW who found out the MM had 3 other OW on the go, would we answer the same, would we understand the lashing out?

 

I just think that if it is the labelling that is peeing everyone off, or more to the point the specific wording, then I go along with that. But, should we understand that he is felt betrayed, angry because he loved the OW?

 

I agree with OWL that more info is needed.

 

We don't know what was promised to this guy by his OW.

 

In my own case, I know that beyond saying how much he loved me , blah blah blah, xMM didn't promise me anything and couldn't give me anything worthwhile.

 

So he KNEW I was dating others and I might have had sexual encounters with 1 or 2 people (I guess according to OP) that makes me a slut - but hey, at least I would be an honest slut.

 

xMM knew that I cared about him a lot - that I loved him, but he also knew that I wasn't going to just wait in my lonesome for him.

 

So I think being justified in feeling all hurt and betrayed goes back to what was promised between the 2 of them - if he couldn't give her what she wanted, then there's nothing wrong with her not being exclusively his (not counting her H ) - She should have been honest about it - but really?....

[spice4life]

Your whole initial post smells to me like it was intended for your wife's eyes. Probably part of the "transparency" and "total disclosure" that are part of the reconciliation with your wife. You were sexually involved with a woman for 3 years. THREE YEARS. Shame on you for calling her a slut. And what does it say about your wonderful wife, that a slut could keep your interest for so long?

 

I'm with c4n on this...that was the first thought that came to my mind.

 

I'm not trying to be confrontational, but I have a question for you silvio; why did you present yourself as single in your other posts in the general relationship forum in Aug? Any advice received would be terribly skewed because a huge piece of the puzzle was missing.

 

The main issue now has absolutely nothing to do with the OW and has more to do with you, your marriage and why you strayed. Placing all your anger on her is not going to solve the problems that existed within your marriage and within you that lead to cheating in the first place. You need to be asking yourself why you are angry. From reading all of your posts, it seems to me that it really wasn't about the OW so much; it appears more like frustration possibly due to your circumstances. An A involves two people and once you accept that you are equally responsible, it will be easier to see why you went down this road to begin with.

 

Maybe you should check out the infidelity forum instead because this no longer about the OW, it's between you and your wife. Now that the OW is gone and not involving herself in your marriage anymore, you and your wife can face one another and deal with the real issues at hand. Best wishes on that journey.

[Dexter Morgan]

The person I was involved with was a person I had known for many years. I trusted her and thought I was in love with her. She turned out to be nothing more than a slut who was having several sexual relationships outside of her own marriage while pretending to be in love with me.

 

 

uh, sorry, you were cheating on your wife. You don't get to cast that kind of judgement on someone else without being a hypocrite.

 

If she is a slut for what she has done, what does that make you?

 

You learned your lesson, you are hopefully, somehow (although I can't think of one thing that could do it) making it up to your wife/family. thats good. But it makes you look silly to put down your affair partner, no matter how much truth there is to it.

 

 

I have realized that all the warning signs were there but I ignored them. She told so many lies and continues to do so today.

 

so if she wasn't like you are describing, you wouldn't be making thing up to your wife and would still be in an affair? maybe you haven't learned your lesson.

 

 

I love my wife and I am extremely fortunate to have her in my life.

 

but again, what if OW had NOT have been having sex with others and wasn't lying to you?

 

Think of someone other than yourself. If you are doing this, STOP NOW before its too late.

 

I can at least commend you for the above words.

[thissecretgirl]

Go visit the BS forum sometime. You will get quite an eye opener. WS surrender their passwords, their phones, subject themselves to countless interrogations, have their every move scrutinized and analyzed. They conduct the "wife directed no-further-contact-with-OW" phone call. They bad-mouth OW who has now gone from a loving "soulmate" to being the seductress, manipulator, crazy bunny-boiler, who took their precious pe**s and shoved it into her own va**na without the WS consent - no actually - OW held a GUN to WS's head - yes, I'm pretty sure that's what happened - and this can go on for months and years.

 

 

Lol have you been spying on me? I think that just about sums up my situation.

 

Anyway i have to get off the computer and go seduce some other poor unsuspecting man

[whichwayisup]

My MP will never call me names

 

Unless you're a fly on the wall or are stalking him/her 24/7 and can hear word for word what they say, one doesn't know what is being said when you're not there.

[thissecretgirl]

For the record I agree with some of the other comments made re the OP.

 

I find his namecalling offensive and it smacks of double standards, but to me it suggests one of two things; he is lashing out because he feels betrayed and angry at the OW or as my first instinct suggested that this was a proclamation for his wifes benefit.

I thought this initially as the tone of the revelation seemed a little bit over the top. But maybe thats because it took him three years to reach that conclusion.

[Got it]

I have no issues if a man decides he has made a mistake and recommits to his wife. Cake eating is not flattering on any person. But when the decision to do so it made for him by someone else, the outrage and righteousness just rings hollow.

 

If he had taken onus for his actions and owned his decisions and choices then I think the reaction would have been different. But half to the majority of his post was his outrage about his AP having other lovers without his knowledge. Not about his wife or his marriage.

 

[whichwayisup]

I have no issues if a man decides he has made a mistake and recommits to his wife.

 

Anyone who chooses to be in or have an affair has the right to change their minds and end it, walk away. Like it or not. An affair is not a committment.

[redcurls]

Like it or not. An affair is not a committment.

 

Apparently, to some people - neither is a marriage.

[fooled once]

Ya know, this is the OP's thread - if he wants to call the OW a "sl*t" that is his "right" as long as it isn't directed at a member. It's a WORD - big deal. Too many sensitive people at times. He is angry and wanted to vent. Isn't that allowed? Isn't that what so many OW want this forum for? Support and discussion fo rthose who find themselves involved with a committed partner?

 

Yet in the midst of the A did you feel like you knew her so well? And she knew you so well, maybe better than your own wife?

 

I find this a theme, many OW who post here and OM, have said they know their AP much better than the spouse does. It just isn't possible, and sadly you certainly learned a painful lesson by your choices..

 

Glad to hear your wife has given you another chance. Take each day as blessing, spoil, adore and love her every single day of your life! She's a pretty special woman who has a huge heart to take you back!

 

Good luck and I hope your post doesn't fall of deaf ears. It's good to try to get people to stop and think about their choices, the consquences and the aftermath of pain. Though many still choose the wrong path because, like you, they need to learn it the hard way, suffer and be hurt before they wake up and change.

 

Great post WWIU!

 

Darn, I'm sure it would have been interesting!

 

OP, I hope you will continue to post. IMO, I find it sad that a MM who wants to return to his marriage is immediately under suspicion of not being genuine. Of course you haven't posted everything about your situation. Nor should you be expected to.

 

Good luck!

 

Agree with you Snowflower! this isn't the first time a x-cheater who has recommitted to his marriage has been treated by people in this forum. Almost as if he is being punished for not signing the praises of the OW and blaming his wife.

 

Ya' know, as soon as I read the OP, I knew the use of that term was going to ruffle some feathers. I can understand why it bothers some posters here. The last thing an AP in an unrequited love relationship wants to hear is someone similar to their MP saying such hateful things.

 

I think of it as similar to when someone refers to the BW as a fat, stupid b*tch. It doesn't happen too often fortunately but it is impossible for me to not get "riled" about such a comment, even if it is only implied and not directly stated. Hey, I was a BW, but I'm not fat or stupid (and a b*tch only sometimes ) and I think it is such a stereotype.

 

But like you BB, I try to look at what it is about the post that bothers me (beyond the obvious).

 

I think we all just want to be recognized for being individuals and not in the stereotypes a sl*tty AP or a stupid BW.

 

Anyway, OP, I hope you can understand why some of your comments set a few people off here.

 

Another great post Snowflower!!

 

Can I be Devil's Advocate? I would add before asking, that I hate the word slut used for anyone, I also hate the word bitter, vindictive or any other derogatory term.

 

So, if this was an OW who found out the MM had 3 other OW on the go, would we answer the same, would we understand the lashing out?

 

I just think that if it is the labelling that is peeing everyone off, or more to the point the specific wording, then I go along with that. But, should we understand that he is felt betrayed, angry because he loved the OW?

 

Not even sure I have an opinion other than the name calling. I for sure wouldn't have my XWS bad mouthing the OW, but know for a fact she sure as hell badmouthed me. But each to their own I suppose.

 

Seren, thank you for saying what I was thinking. To each their own. If his venting helps relieve some of his anger, FANTASTIC. As long as he didn't call a poster here that. Sometimes, people project so much and have to realize it isn't about THEM. This guy called his former mistress a sl*t. Big deal. Its a word. It was HIS affair and if he wants to think of her that way, that's his right.

 

OP can be as angry as he wants to be - but lets just all agree that this sudden burst of love and appreciation for his wife, isn't genuine. I hope that the slut will indeed take him back, when he will come crawling - it will only be fitting.

 

No, I don't agree with you. You don't know what is genuine or not. And in fact, the OP hasn't been back to this thread so for all we know, it was a troll.

[whichwayisup]

but lets just all agree that this sudden burst of love and appreciation for his wife, isn't genuine

 

How you can you say that? All you are reading are this man's words. You don't know him personally so why assume that he isn't sincere? That he isn't genuine? Geez, half of you complain that OW and OM get judged too much by BS's yet most are slamming this guy's post, for what? Jealously that he woke up and realized he f.ucked up badly??? GOOD FOR HIM. HE is working his a.ss of to gain his wife's trust and love again. Why is that bad? Unless you are poo'ing on him in fears one day your MM will change his mind and go back home to his wife.

 

Anyway, noone likes to be judged as a theme around here is always thrown around, so why judge this guy? He's allowed to feel or say anything he wants about his xOW. Many OW have said awful things about their exMM after a break up so why is he any different??

[redcurls]

How you can you say that? All you are reading are this man's words. You don't know him personally so why assume that he isn't sincere? That he isn't genuine? Geez, half of you complain that OW and OM get judged too much by BS's yet most are slamming this guy's post, for what? Jealously that he woke up and realized he f.ucked up badly??? GOOD FOR HIM. HE is working his a.ss of to gain his wife's trust and love again. Why is that bad? Unless you are poo'ing on him in fears one day your MM will change his mind and go back home to his wife.

 

Anyway, noone likes to be judged as a theme around here is always thrown around, so why judge this guy? He's allowed to feel or say anything he wants about his xOW. Many OW have said awful things about their exMM after a break up so why is he any different??

 

Come on. He didn't "realize" anything. It doesn't take three years to "realize" that you are effing up your life! He just found out that his OW had other lovers (quite shocking! NOT) and has now decided to be the model husband and father. If he had spoken MORE ABOUT HIS EFFORTS TO MAKE IT UP TO HIS FAMILY and LESS ABOUT WHAT A SLUT THE OW IS - he would have sounded a lot more genuine.

 

And BTW, my MM can go back to his wife any time he wants to - I swear I have put the gun away.

[thissecretgirl]

Sometimes, people project so much and have to realize it isn't about THEM.

 

Never a truer word spoken and one that appears to apply to all sides on this forum from what I've seen in my short time here.

[wheelwright]

Never a truer word spoken and one that appears to apply to all sides on this forum from what I've seen in my short time here.

 

I just think it's a shame he now believes his love wasn't worth anything.

 

It wasn't love, or he doesn't have all the info.

 

Having said that, I know someone who went through this. She is very clear many years later that the man was a player and she fell.

 

She is happily M still.

[Breezy Trousers]

I know people don't seem to like to hear it, but while it is true that many "other men/women" who become involved in affairs are good people making a bad choice, there are a few who are just plain nasty people.

 

The person my husband had his affair with had a way of seeming like a nice person who was going through a hard time, but once one got to know her, one finds out that is not the case. She presents a very nice and respectable "public face" to get what she wants, but if you cross her or get in her way, she becomes vicious. She doesn't care who she hurts and sees sleeping with married guys as a way to "get ahead in life and in her career" . She really doesn't care who she hurts, nor does she feel remorseful for her actions. She is a a true narcissist and I was unlucky enough to run across her in my life.

 

True. I wish people would become more educated about Narcisstic Personality Disorder (NPD). It would save a lot of heartache. People with NPD are unbelievably seductive and charismatic and often have multiple secret affairs -- sometimes concurrently! Educating myself about NPD while struggling with temptation saved me.

 

Don't stone me for saying this, but my experience doesn't support the popular notion -- shared religion, actually -- that people are tempted to have affairs because they are feeling unhappy in their marriage. Sometimes they aren't looking but the AP presents himself/herself to them and they think they might just have a little fling for excitement and believe they won't get caught. Unhappy with spouse? Nah. A little bored after 22 years? Probably. Selfish? Of course. And it's most likely to occur during vulnerable periods in people's lives. (Incidentally, folks with NPD are notorious for spotting a vulnerable person 10,000 miles away. It's what they target.)

 

That's how it * almost * happened with me. When Mr. Church Man realized he wasn't going to manipulate me into having an affair, he showed me his true NPD colors and then quickly moved on to another target. He is Mr. Family Man, Mr. Man-of-the-Year, but I've seen behind his mask ... Judging from how fast she scurried away when he entered a room recently, I think his new target dumped him. It would explain why hateful Mr. Hyde is now acting like cheerful Dr. Jekyll toward me again -- he may be hunting for new supply. (Too bad there isn't an icon for flipping someone the bird ....) ...Blech ... I've had to do a lot of work on myself to see why I was so weak in character that I nearly allowed this disturbed intruder into my marriage....

 

Anyway, Silvio, sounds to me like you got involved with someone with NPD. However, I also sensed you were writing for your wife's benefit -- trying to join with her again by attacking the AP .... Three years is a long time. That's a relationship, not a fling. The question, "Would you still be with MP if you didn't know about MP's affairs?" is a legitimate question your wife should be asking right now. And, yes, MC is definitely in order. A marriage may be fine before an affair but it's always devastated after.

Edited December 17, 2010 by Breezy Trousers