Silvio Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 I would like to offer some advice to those of you involved in affairs or those who might be considering it. That advice would be to STOP now before you Destroy EVERYTHING and EVERYONE in your path. Im speaking from experience. I made the wrong choice and stayed in an affair for 3 years...Ignoring many chances to escape. Now I've lost friends, a job and caused my family unbelievable sorrow. My wife took me back because she is a wonderful person which kills my sould even more knowing that I chose to be unfaithful to her. The person I was involved with was a person I had known for many years. I trusted her and thought I was in love with her. She turned out to be nothing more than a slut who was having several sexual relationships outside of her own marriage while pretending to be in love with me. I have realized that all the warning signs were there but I ignored them. She told so many lies and continues to do so today. While I find her to be a disgusting person, I accept responsiblity for my own actions because Im an adult and I made decisions that were very bad. Affairs are very destructive. Period. I will live with this shame for the rest of my life. I offer my story in hopes that someone might read and might stop an affair or make the decision not to start one. I love my wife and I am extremely fortunate to have her in my life. I hope I can spend the rest of my life making it up to her. Those of you who are currently in an affair should really examine your wives/husbands and think of the hurt that will result in what you are doing. Is that other woman or man really someone who could make you happy? Life is more than sex. I was hesitant to leave because of the sex. I think the forbidden nature of it was alluring. Im now ashamed that I gave something to this woman that was supposed to be shared only with my wife. Think of someone other than yourself. If you are doing this, STOP NOW before its too late.
bentnotbroken Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 I would like to offer some advice to those of you involved in affairs or those who might be considering it. That advice would be to STOP now before you Destroy EVERYTHING and EVERYONE in your path. Im speaking from experience. I made the wrong choice and stayed in an affair for 3 years...Ignoring many chances to escape. Now I've lost friends, a job and caused my family unbelievable sorrow. My wife took me back because she is a wonderful person which kills my sould even more knowing that I chose to be unfaithful to her. The person I was involved with was a person I had known for many years. I trusted her and thought I was in love with her. She turned out to be nothing more than a slut who was having several sexual relationships outside of her own marriage while pretending to be in love with me. I have realized that all the warning signs were there but I ignored them. She told so many lies and continues to do so today. While I find her to be a disgusting person, I accept responsiblity for my own actions because Im an adult and I made decisions that were very bad. Affairs are very destructive. Period. I will live with this shame for the rest of my life. I offer my story in hopes that someone might read and might stop an affair or make the decision not to start one. I love my wife and I am extremely fortunate to have her in my life. I hope I can spend the rest of my life making it up to her. Those of you who are currently in an affair should really examine your wives/husbands and think of the hurt that will result in what you are doing. Is that other woman or man really someone who could make you happy? Life is more than sex. I was hesitant to leave because of the sex. I think the forbidden nature of it was alluring. Im now ashamed that I gave something to this woman that was supposed to be shared only with my wife. Think of someone other than yourself. If you are doing this, STOP NOW before its too late. While I for one appreciate you trying to warn others against the affects of an affair....I'm not sure using the term "sl*t" to describe your AP seems to minimize your own behavior. I see you accept responsibility for your choices, but the name IMO places a bit more blame at her doorstep. This is just how it appears to me.
Author Silvio Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 I respect your opinion. In my opinion that is what she is. I learned that she was having sex with as many as 3 different men on the same day. That's a slut where I come from.
bentnotbroken Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 I respect your opinion. In my opinion that is what she is. I learned that she was having sex with as many as 3 different men on the same day. That's a slut where I come from. I get that. Understood.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 I'm thrilled that you came to your senses and especially that your wife has taken you back. Tell me though, where you come from is there a different name for a woman that sleeps with one married man than one that sleeps with a few. It was understandable when she did it because your love was so special but when it was others then she is trash? What do they call a married man who sleeps around on his wife with a slut where you come from?
Author Silvio Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 I get that. I call him stupid. You may choose to call him whatever you you think fits. I wont argue with that logic. However, multiple partners in the span of a few hours seems a little different to me....Maybe it's no different. I shouldnt have used that term. Its gonna derail the intent of my post obviously.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Not intending to derail your post, and i'm a firm believer in calling a spade a spade. It just is hard to swallow that you would risk your families happiness and your wife respect for a slut. You know IMO the respect and adoration never completely return and forgive or not, a spouse NEVER forgets that you thought so little of those things to sacrifice them. What was it that the slut had to offer that your wife did not.
WTFBBQ Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Read your back posts about you and your "girlfriend." What happened? Did you get caught or did you get mad to find out you weren't the only one? If you were still sleeping with your wife while shagging the GF, then you're no better than she was. Sounds like your feelings got hurt that a cheater was cheating on you, another cheater. Good you learned your lesson. Sorry it was the hard way.
Author Silvio Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 Thats the point. She didnt offer me anything that my wife couldnt have. I didnt know she was involved in all these other relationships...if thats what you call them..but it doesnt matter. I didnt know what kind of person she was...I risked my marriage and kids for another woman who was also married. Her character really was a shock to me, but its the fact that I chose to betray my wife at all that bothers me. I realize my wife will never look at me the same and that is what hurts he most.
BB07 Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 I get that. I call him stupid. You may choose to call him whatever you you think fits. I wont argue with that logic. However, multiple partners in the span of a few hours seems a little different to me....Maybe it's no different. I shouldnt have used that term. Its gonna derail the intent of my post obviously. f'ing around is f'ing around, 1 or 3 doesn't make much difference in my view....and if you are going to call her slut, then you should think of a not nice name for yourself also since you stuck your body parts into her body parts and you once thought she was good enough to do that with.......right?
whichwayisup Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 I didnt know what kind of person she was...I risked my marriage and kids for another woman who was also married. Yet in the midst of the A did you feel like you knew her so well? And she knew you so well, maybe better than your own wife? I find this a theme, many OW who post here and OM, have said they know their AP much better than the spouse does. It just isn't possible, and sadly you certainly learned a painful lesson by your choices.. Glad to hear your wife has given you another chance. Take each day as blessing, spoil, adore and love her every single day of your life! She's a pretty special woman who has a huge heart to take you back! Good luck and I hope your post doesn't fall of deaf ears. It's good to try to get people to stop and think about their choices, the consquences and the aftermath of pain. Though many still choose the wrong path because, like you, they need to learn it the hard way, suffer and be hurt before they wake up and change.
Kismetly Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 I would like to offer some advice to those of you involved in affairs or those who might be considering it. That advice would be to STOP now before you Destroy EVERYTHING and EVERYONE in your path. Im speaking from experience. I made the wrong choice and stayed in an affair for 3 years...Ignoring many chances to escape. Now I've lost friends, a job and caused my family unbelievable sorrow. My wife took me back because she is a wonderful person which kills my sould even more knowing that I chose to be unfaithful to her. The person I was involved with was a person I had known for many years. I trusted her and thought I was in love with her. She turned out to be nothing more than a slut who was having several sexual relationships outside of her own marriage while pretending to be in love with me. I have realized that all the warning signs were there but I ignored them. She told so many lies and continues to do so today. While I find her to be a disgusting person, I accept responsiblity for my own actions because Im an adult and I made decisions that were very bad. Affairs are very destructive. Period. I will live with this shame for the rest of my life. I offer my story in hopes that someone might read and might stop an affair or make the decision not to start one. I love my wife and I am extremely fortunate to have her in my life. I hope I can spend the rest of my life making it up to her. Those of you who are currently in an affair should really examine your wives/husbands and think of the hurt that will result in what you are doing. Is that other woman or man really someone who could make you happy? Life is more than sex. I was hesitant to leave because of the sex. I think the forbidden nature of it was alluring. Im now ashamed that I gave something to this woman that was supposed to be shared only with my wife. Think of someone other than yourself. If you are doing this, STOP NOW before its too late. So would the affair have been worth it if she had have truley been everything you thought she was?
carrie999 Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Thats the point. She didnt offer me anything that my wife couldnt have. I didnt know she was involved in all these other relationships...if thats what you call them..but it doesnt matter. I didnt know what kind of person she was...I risked my marriage and kids for another woman who was also married. Her character really was a shock to me, but its the fact that I chose to betray my wife at all that bothers me. I realize my wife will never look at me the same and that is what hurts he most. Well, it's good that you've come to this realization, and I'm not going to comment on what was said prior to this. You made a mistake, and said some things about OW out of anger. What's important here is that you came to the realization that your wife is your priority NOT because the OW hurt you and was not who you thought she was, but because you actually realized you made a terrible mistake. My only issue with what you have said is not the words you used to describe OW, but the fact that you ended the affair once you discovered she was sleeping around. Are you sure you have chosen to stay with your wife for the right reasons? Can you really commit to her now? I ask this for one reason. While I have not had experience with extramarital affairs, and have never known anyone who admitted to one, this board has given me tremendous clarity about my own. And what I have found here is that there are many people who will commit to a married person, and treat them as an exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend in hopes that it will someday come to fruition. While your AP wasn't one of those, are you sure you won't stray again if you find someone who is? Are you really sure about your wife? Or did you run back to your wife because you realized your heart is only safe with her? She'll accept you, even after you admit infidelity. She'll accept and love you regardless of how you behave. And at the moment, you feel confused, hurt, and guilty, and you're staying with her because you know she will be loyal, faithful, and understanding. I'm not attacking you, but you need to think very seriously about your motivations here.
bentnotbroken Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 See the above posts is what I was getting at but I was too tired to get there last night. I knew that the others would get the point across. They did good.
Got it Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Seems to be that you are more upset due to ego than because of this all encompassing love you supposedly have for your wife. Where was that love PRIOR to finding out your affair partner was seeing other people as well? Also were you sleeping with your wife in the same period of time? If so what does that make you since you have multiple sex partners? Your post and logic seems to be extremely hypocritically and it does not seem like you are "choosing" your wife with her best interest in mind and with your best foot forward. But whatever floats your boat. I don't understand having an affair while still being in love with your spouse. Not sure how you reconcile the dictonomy.
TigerCub Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 I would like to offer some advice to those of you involved in affairs or those who might be considering it. That advice would be to STOP now before you Destroy EVERYTHING and EVERYONE in your path. Im speaking from experience. I made the wrong choice and stayed in an affair for 3 years...Ignoring many chances to escape. Now I've lost friends, a job and caused my family unbelievable sorrow. My wife took me back because she is a wonderful person which kills my sould even more knowing that I chose to be unfaithful to her. The person I was involved with was a person I had known for many years. I trusted her and thought I was in love with her. She turned out to be nothing more than a slut who was having several sexual relationships outside of her own marriage while pretending to be in love with me. I have realized that all the warning signs were there but I ignored them. She told so many lies and continues to do so today. While I find her to be a disgusting person, I accept responsiblity for my own actions because Im an adult and I made decisions that were very bad. Affairs are very destructive. Period. I will live with this shame for the rest of my life. I offer my story in hopes that someone might read and might stop an affair or make the decision not to start one. I love my wife and I am extremely fortunate to have her in my life. I hope I can spend the rest of my life making it up to her. Those of you who are currently in an affair should really examine your wives/husbands and think of the hurt that will result in what you are doing. Is that other woman or man really someone who could make you happy? Life is more than sex. I was hesitant to leave because of the sex. I think the forbidden nature of it was alluring. Im now ashamed that I gave something to this woman that was supposed to be shared only with my wife. Think of someone other than yourself. If you are doing this, STOP NOW before its too late. Well its nice of you to pass on your advice based on your experiences. From my experience, yes I've learned that affairs (whether you do into them knowing the op is married or not) certainly don't work out. In my experience they caused way more pain than pleasure in the long run. My question for you is this: I hear that almost all the time in a M something goes wrong, whether its communication, time for each other, sex, etc... and then an A happens to fill the voids. What were the probs in you marriage that helped pave the way to your A? Also, did those issues get resolved with your wife? I'm sure that you guys had to deal with the A, but did you actually deal with the problems that put you in a place where you felt justified in having an A in the first place?
Confused4Now Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 What were the probs in you marriage that helped pave the way to your A? Also, did those issues get resolved with your wife? I'm sure that you guys had to deal with the A, but did you actually deal with the problems that put you in a place where you felt justified in having an A in the first place? Good point made Tiger seems like this post sounds like a person trying to show remorse posting on a website so he can show his W see I'm really sorry. I want to know exactly what the answers are what led him to having an A in the first place.
Mimolicious Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Never mind... I'll get banned for saying what I really want to say.
carhill Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 OP, from the tone of your posts, it sounds like you're not yet in MC. I suggest making that appointment sooner than later, presuming you wish to recover your M. Only a couple months ago, based on your first thread here on LS, you were quite embroiled in the A, and it is/was a long-term A, over a number of years. From that read, it sounds like you were 'dumped'. Subsequent information apparently has exacerbated that wound. I've walked this path and recognize the signposts. I received many similar revelations. I was 'dumped' by the respective parties and divorced by one. So ended a 25 year 'affair' and a ten year marriage. MC gave the entire process clarity. In total, I'm satisfied with the end results and accept the responsibility for my poor choices. In closing, I would opine that everyone's circumstances are unique. As in most things in life, there are no universal standards. You hold that assertion out as relevant simply because, unlike my situation, your wife wishes to continue with you. Marked and unique difference right there. I hope it works out for you
redcurls Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Your whole initial post smells to me like it was intended for your wife's eyes. Probably part of the "transparency" and "total disclosure" that are part of the reconciliation with your wife. You were sexually involved with a woman for 3 years. THREE YEARS. Shame on you for calling her a slut. And what does it say about your wonderful wife, that a slut could keep your interest for so long?
YellowShark Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Yup. This is the part of affairs the affair partners never consider or care about because they are so selfish and generally narcissistic. I look at affairs as a live grenade. The affair partners toss this live grenade into the middle of the lives of innocent unsuspecting people. On D-Day the grenade explodes and takes everyone out. I speak from experience as a BS.
Confused4Now Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Your whole initial post smells to me like it was intended for your wife's eyes. Probably part of the "transparency" and "total disclosure" that are part of the reconciliation with your wife. You were sexually involved with a woman for 3 years. THREE YEARS. Shame on you for calling her a slut. And what does it say about your wonderful wife, that a slut could keep your interest for so long?This is exactly what I wanted to say!!! thank you RC... Cha Ching!!!
Owl Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Silvio, you said that you thought you were in love with this other person. Did you discuss leaving your wife to be with her? Did she profess to be in love with you? What were the two of you planning to do with this relationship...I mean, after 3 years this HAD to have come up at some point. The two of you had to have discussed what the relationship was, where it was headed. I've seen this happen before. Years ago my wife befriended a lady who claimed to be in an abusive marriage. My wife believed it, even watched her kids so this lady could go meet with the man that was going to "rescue her" from her marriage. Turned out this lady was not just a serial cheater and lying about the state of her marriage...but she'd basically been doing this same thing for years and years. She'd had no less than five or six different men that she was occasionally 'seeing' on the side while her H was working his butt of as a Drill SGT at the time. She was almost certainly SA, resulting from abuse she'd had as teenager. And she was a consumate liar who had sucked my wife into buying that she was trying to escape an abusive relationship...when the reality turned out to be that her H loved her very much and had no idea what in the heck was going on. But...back to the original story here. I get that your angry and hurt here...but I'm wanting to understand what your expectations were for this affair relationship.
Snowflower Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Never mind... I'll get banned for saying what I really want to say. Darn, I'm sure it would have been interesting! OP, I hope you will continue to post. IMO, I find it sad that a MM who wants to return to his marriage is immediately under suspicion of not being genuine. Of course you haven't posted everything about your situation. Nor should you be expected to. Good luck!
TigerCub Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Darn, I'm sure it would have been interesting! OP, I hope you will continue to post. IMO, I find it sad that a MM who wants to return to his marriage is immediately under suspicion of not being genuine. Of course you haven't posted everything about your situation. Nor should you be expected to. Good luck! I can't speak for everyone, but I think what's causing suspicion is how he's gushing about how awesome his wife is to take him back and give him a chance, and what a HUGE SLUT the ow is, when in fact, he's just as much of a slut for doing what he did with her. The post just looks like something he's writing in hopes that the W will read it.... that's what seems suspicious, I think.
Recommended Posts