sweetjasmine Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 herpes Herpes and HPV are different viruses. The reason I'm pointing this out is that there's one big difference between the two that is relevant to the OP's situation. With HPV, the infection often clears up and goes away, much like with a cold. 90% of people who are infected have the virus clear up within a year or two. With herpes, it's more likely that you'll have the infection indefinitely, with a break-out/remission cycle. HPV usually goes away. Herpes doesn't.
Author SoVeryFrustrated Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 This discussion of change is unnecessarily broad. Some people decide not to eat spicy food anymore. Some people decide not to hate gays anymore. Where's the distinction? Mad Max, I question your life experience if you have not been witness to people changing aspects of their lifestyle or even what they thought were core beliefs. What we often consider core beliefs are cultural, products of an era, and as times change, so too can deeply held values. Or, they can't. I have seen and experienced both. OP, I wonder about your guilt over your promiscuity. I am sure your reasons are valid, and you have not shared much about it nor much of your history, but I am concerned about a tone of moral judgment that is coming from you toward yourself, and is being echoed in this thread, that I have not seen evidence to support. I suppose you feel that you've violated some personal ethic, but I wonder what that is, or why you feel it. There is certainly something to be said for putting your own body and the bodies of others at risk with unprotected sex. That is indeed dangerous and potentially unethical. But that is not what you mean when you say that you are an honest guy looking to change your ways. With this statement you equate sleeping around with dishonesty, when one can perfectly well engage in casual sex while remaining completely honest. So what is it about this that is violating your conscience? Why do you feel shame about the way you've thus far led your sexual life? I do and don't feel guilt feel about my promiscuity. I wish in hindsight that I have used protection 100 percent of the time, and not led women on. I was a player in my early twentys which I admit was wrong and I have changed my ways. Part of my conscience is not being educated enough on HPV or allowing myself to dodge the proverbial bullet. I assumed when I was younger when someone said they were clean, I was naive and bought it. When I say I am an honest guy looking to change my ways, it means that I will no longer be having meaningless casual sex, and when I do find a partern in a relationship, I am going to be honest about my diagnosis. What would violate my conscience is would be follow the healthcare providers nurse's advice too NOT tell any further partners that HPV is not that big of a deal, I find that morally wrong. I find that morally wrong. As for my guilt, yes, I feel guilty, I feel guilty for hurting all those girls when I said I was going to call, led them to believe it would be more then I one time thing, things like that. I am a man and I can own up to what I used to be.
welikeincrowds Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 As for my guilt, yes, I feel guilty, I feel guilty for hurting all those girls when I said I was going to call, led them to believe it would be more then I one time thing, things like that. I am a man and I can own up to what I used to be. Ah ha. The real problem. The solution to this particular issue is not to become a relationship man. The solution is to be up-front about your intentions. I am concerned that you may be wishing to change your relationship behavior as a matter of atonement, when it would be a repression of what you may really want. You should only commit if that is what you truly desire. It does sound like you want to settle down for other reasons, and so be it! But there is no reason to deny promiscuity if that is what you really want. The problem is not the promiscuity, but the dishonesty.
Author SoVeryFrustrated Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 Ah ha. The real problem. The solution to this particular issue is not to become a relationship man. The solution is to be up-front about your intentions. I am concerned that you may be wishing to change your relationship behavior as a matter of atonement, when it would be a repression of what you may really want. You should only commit if that is what you truly desire. It does sound like you want to settle down for other reasons, and so be it! But there is no reason to deny promiscuity if that is what you really want. The problem is not the promiscuity, but the dishonesty. I have been in long term relationships before, have been engaged, so my life does not revolve around dishonesty. When I was younger and just starting my sexual experiences, yes I was dishonest as to my intentions, farther down in life, a lot of women are accepting and I am totally open about my intentions, ex: friends with benefits, etc. It hasnt been an honestly issue in about ten years. I have been straight up front with what I was looking for. I am ready to settle down. To call me dishonest, is very ignorant.
welikeincrowds Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 I have been in long term relationships before, have been engaged, so my life does not revolve around dishonesty. When I was younger and just starting my sexual experiences, yes I was dishonest as to my intentions, farther down in life, a lot of women are accepting and I am totally open about my intentions, ex: friends with benefits, etc. It hasnt been an honestly issue in about ten years. I have been straight up front with what I was looking for. I am ready to settle down. To call me dishonest, is very ignorant. I didn't call you dishonest. I have no reason to believe you are. Nor am I judging you. I just quoted what you've said and inquired further. I'm here to discuss what you're saying. So you're honest; I believe you. OK, then what's the problem? Why are you upset with yourself? That's all I was asking, and I would have thought that you provided the answer, except that you seem to be denying it now.
sb129 Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Where did my post go? When I posted it it was third on the thread now things seem to have exploded..
DollWelch Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Anyone that sleeps around(even with protection) in this day and age is a total fool. Yes. I agree. I blame no one but myself, there are more important things in life like this to worry about then drama and other things, I know now whats important, but I am ruined forever. You're not ruined forever. Don't be silly! You'll rise above this, and mature into the kind of man who has come a long way, and has many more ways to go with the right woman (That is, if you are serious about settling down!). The first step: You acknowledged your mistakes. This is wonderful, because now you can truly move forward with this new reality check (or wake up call). People tend to change through near death experiences or under extreme circumstances. You, SoVeryFrustrated, have hit this mark -or at least have come close to it; so hopefully you won't revert back to your old ways.
dispatch3d Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Take your own advice. Don't get involved in the drama head games you are making up about getting an STD. Be more careful with who you sleep with in the future. Do the physical things you have to do to solve the problem, but I would avoid thought because I can almost gaurentee it's emotional thought (rather than regular thought).
Ella whispers Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 I can understand how this scare would make you afraid to continue sleeping around but it shouldn't be the only reason you make that decision. I wouldn't personally have sex w/ a man I knew had hpv. Most women associate sex w/ emotions so if a woman is emotionally invested she may choose to do it anyway w/ a condom of course unless she has it too.
Room Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 It was wonderful that you realized your mistakes and you were planning to change your behaviors from now on by not sleeping around. I don't think you're ruined forever because eventually there is a woman who loves you unconditionally and won't care your past. What she cares is how good and faithful you are with her. I don't have an STD, but I would date a guy with STDs if he passes my test for his faithfulness and commitment. Other girls could come up with many other tests. But, at this moment, a test I could think of would be " no sex before marriage". It means he has to have a relationship with only me for a certain time without sex. No cheating ! At the end, if I see he's a good and faithful guy, I'll marry him and then have sex. This is just my example. But, do you think you could pass this test ? How long could you wait to have sex when you're dating a girl? Remember, a good girl could give you a very long wait time because a good girl doesn't want to rush into having sex and she might end up contacting a STD and break up with you. Of course, any girls would be shocked if her boyfriend tells her he has Herpes or HPV or any STDs. But, she wouldn't break up with him if she has a true love for him. She wouldn't care. Why? STDs wouldn't cause her cancer and kill her in one day, but other sudden things, such as a car accident or a airplane crash would. Who knows what will happen tomorrow. Enjoying every moment with a faithful guy she truly loves is her wish. Bottom line, change your behaviors. I understand it might be very very hard. But, you still have a hope for a good wife.
Illiandra Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 Whoever said dont disclose this to any future partners (nurse/doc) was not thinking ethically. I found medicines that my bf took over a year ago for genital warts. let me tell you the shock factor i experienced. how can someone know they have this and not tell their significant other? which is mind boggling. if he had told me i would have more respect for him than any other MAN in the world. However, my pap smear came back with high risk now and when i approached this subject with him he denied that he ever had them and said i got it elsewhere. People today are selfish..even if they care, they care about themselves. It is a sad world!
Author SoVeryFrustrated Posted December 11, 2010 Author Posted December 11, 2010 I didn't call you dishonest. I have no reason to believe you are. Nor am I judging you. I just quoted what you've said and inquired further. I'm here to discuss what you're saying. So you're honest; I believe you. OK, then what's the problem? Why are you upset with yourself? That's all I was asking, and I would have thought that you provided the answer, except that you seem to be denying it now. I apologize, I misunderstood the tone of your post. I know you weren't calling me dishonest. The problem is I now have a huge obstacle to overcome as if life couldn't get any harder.
Author SoVeryFrustrated Posted December 11, 2010 Author Posted December 11, 2010 Instead of responding to each and individual responses, I am just going to respond accordingly. Again thank you for your encouragement and advice. A poster asked me how long I would wait to have sex if in a relationship ? Now as long as possible or however long it takes. I think the emotional aspect of a relationship could be a foundation that needs to be first before physical. As for me being honest about what I have, I have no choice but to disclose is. Rejection is as hard as it is, but to be rejected because of this even though I might be a great guy with a great personality would totally suck. I take responsibility for my sexual past, but it does take two to tango, a large majority of the women I slept with also just wanted casual sex and obviously I made poor decisions which why I am guilty and disappointed in my self. I have never cheated in a relationship. I am faithful. I am trusting. I am giving. Even in friendships I go out of my way to show how generous of a person I am in every way shape or form. Reflecting back, the past two years I haven't really been that promiscuous compared to other years of my life. It just sucks, I am in the initial shock of it. I plan on not trying to find a relationship or relations for a long time until I can get a hold of myself and my feelings and try and cope. A few posters got their jabs in labeling people that are promiscuous are basically low lives. I asked for no judgement in these posts. I also have learned that I attract the wrong type of woman and I need to look for a different kind of woman when the time comes.
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