This is so very hard to talk about

[SoVeryFrustrated]

Hi everyone,

Long time lurker here. I am seeking the advice, insight, or experiences of any male or female posters that have been through what I am about to describe. I am not looking to be bashed, or judged, I just need someplace neutral to describe how I feel and some possible advice.

 

Me, male, early 30's vast sexual past, not proud of it, but take responsibility for my promiscouity (sp?). I found out approximately a week or two that I have HPV low risk. I had one genital wart that I surgically removed. I have done my research on it and even saw a specialist. He said chances are if another one doesn't pop up in five months then my body has rid of it of the virus. I have read online to the contrary however he is a doctor and a specialist so I should trust him. I tested negative for everything else.

 

Now this is how I feel. I am ruined. I am damaged. I can never get married now or have children. There is a stigma having an STD and I don't think any girl would entertain the idea of dating or having a sexual relationship with a guy with low risk HPV.

 

When I was told the results, I was advised not to tell any future partners. I find this morally wrong. They have a right to know. What is the general consensus from everyone. Is my life ruined. Do I become celibate? The one question I forgot to ask my Doctor is if I have no wart am I still contagious? Ladies be be honest, this is a deal breaker right ? How would I bring this up ? I am used to having sex very quickly in a relationship or when I meet a woman.

 

What this has taught me: I blame no one but myself, there are more important things in life like this to worry about then drama and other things, I know now whats important, but I am ruined forever. Please some feedback would be nice.

Hi

[Hopeful30]

I don't think you are ruined, but from my personal opinion, I wouldn't date someone who has an STD, even if I could be safe from it by using condoms.

 

There is this stigma that an STD means very dirty and low, which isn't always the case because not very sexually active people with few partners can still get infected.

 

You are right in thinking it's wrong not to tell future sex partners. Your doc is an a**hole for telling you to hide it.

 

First of all, your body may have rid of the virus, so not ALL hope is lost. Second, you can still have kids and a wife. If the virus (should it become permanent) isn't contagious when there aren't any warts, then you can still have children without infecting a potential future wife.

 

Out of curiosity, how promiscuous exactly where you? Actually no scratch that... how often did you engage in sex without condoms?

[SoVeryFrustrated]

I don't think you are ruined, but from my personal opinion, I wouldn't date someone who has an STD, even if I could be safe from it by using condoms.

 

There is this stigma that an STD means very dirty and low, which isn't always the case because not very sexually active people with few partners can still get infected.

 

You are right in thinking it's wrong not to tell future sex partners. Your doc is an a**hole for telling you to hide it.

 

First of all, your body may have rid of the virus, so not ALL hope is lost. Second, you can still have kids and a wife. If the virus (should it become permanent) isn't contagious when there aren't any warts, then you can still have children without infecting a potential future wife.

 

Out of curiosity, how promiscuous exactly where you? Actually no scratch that... how often did you engage in sex without condoms?

 

It was a nurse who told me my test results, not a doctor who told me that. I have had unprotected and protected sex, lately its been protected. I have been told by medical personnel and have read even wearing a condom can transmit it, and that 80 percent of men are carriers just a few percent through an encounter sexually get the symptoms. Mine is low risk, but its the stigma thats attached. People describe it as a pesky skin condition however it is an STD. I don't think any girl would date me. I do think I am ruined. Thank you for responding.

[sweetjasmine]

I have done my research on it and even saw a specialist. He said chances are if another one doesn't pop up in five months then my body has rid of it of the virus. I have read online to the contrary however he is a doctor and a specialist so I should trust him. I tested negative for everything else.

 

I would trust your specialist. In any case, there's no way for you to know in the future whether you're free of the virus because there's no FDA-approved test for HPV for men. The only thing you could ever find out is that you still have the virus because of the appearance of more warts.

 

Now this is how I feel. I am ruined. I am damaged. I can never get married now or have children. There is a stigma having an STD and I don't think any girl would entertain the idea of dating or having a sexual relationship with a guy with low risk HPV.

 

It's possible that if you tell people, they'll freak out and run. But the vast majority of women are infected with some strain of HPV within their lifetime, and most don't even realize it. The only male carriers of the virus who know they have it are ones like you who had visible symptoms. So in reality, a woman wouldn't be in much more danger of getting HPV from having sex with you than she would be from having sex with a man who has never had the warts but has had sex before.

 

When I was told the results, I was advised not to tell any future partners. I find this morally wrong. They have a right to know.

 

I agree with you, but I also understand why the doctor said that to you. A lot of people don't know much about STDs, and like I said, having sex with a man who has never had warts caused by HPV isn't any safer than having sex with someone who once had a wart that cleared up. But that's not going to matter to most people because hearing the term "STD" will worry them.

 

Is my life ruined.

 

No way.

 

Do I become celibate?

 

Only if you want to.

 

The one question I forgot to ask my Doctor is if I have no wart am I still contagious?

 

I'm not a doctor, so I recommend calling your specialist and asking this question. But from what I understand, yes, you could still be contagious even if you don't have any warts. Or the virus might have cleared up or might clear up within several months/years.

 

Ladies be be honest, this is a deal breaker right ?

 

For me, it wouldn't be. I understand I'm exposing myself to HPV by having sex with anyone who isn't a virgin, regardless of their past, and I take steps on my end to reduce the risk as much as I can. And, really, I'm less worried about the HPV strains that cause warts because they're not the ones that cause cancer.

 

But I can imagine that for many women, it would be a deal-breaker. It's best for you to be honest about it with partners before you have sex, but I'm not the type to move fast so I don't have any suggestions as to how to bring it up.

[Hopeful30]

It was a nurse who told me my test results, not a doctor who told me that. I have had unprotected and protected sex, lately its been protected. I have been told by medical personnel and have read even wearing a condom can transmit it, and that 80 percent of men are carriers just a few percent through an encounter sexually get the symptoms. Mine is low risk, but its the stigma thats attached. People describe it as a pesky skin condition however it is an STD. I don't think any girl would date me. I do think I am ruined. Thank you for responding.

 

Have you at least told the sexual partners you have had in the past? They should get tested too.

 

Do you have any kids already? And is it a goal for you to start a family?

 

There are ways around this. You aren't ruined.

[SoVeryFrustrated]

Have you at least told the sexual partners you have had in the past? They should get tested too.

 

Do you have any kids already? And is it a goal for you to start a family?

 

There are ways around this. You aren't ruined.

 

No kids, and yes I did speak to a girl I had a sexual encounter with about my situation. She was a friends with benefits for a long time and I felt it was her right to know. She was very supportive and she has an appointment with her OBGYN in January. I felt horrible and guilty telling her but doing my research, she could of gotten in it from anyone, not just me. I know the specific strain I have which is low risk and very common. I didn't really think what I had was a wart because it was so small but I used common sense and went to the doctor. There are about three others that were one nighters unprotected/protected that I don't think I can call out of the blue. There is no timeline of when I have contracted this or pinpoint who gave it to me. My friend who I told who I have had sex with was before I noticed the bump/wart I am fairly certain, but I had to tell her and she was supporting me through my anxiety attacks. Im an honest guy and I know i need to change my ways, meaning looking long term instead of just casual dating and sex. This is a wake up call.

[SoVeryFrustrated]

Have you at least told the sexual partners you have had in the past? They should get tested too.

 

Do you have any kids already? And is it a goal for you to start a family?

 

There are ways around this. You aren't ruined.

 

Yes I am done manwhoring, and I want a family, a wife, I am not a bad guy I have a good heart and have a lot to offer, albeit my recent diagnosis.

[Ruby Slippers]

Some people will be pushed away by this, but come on, could you really live with yourself if you hid it from a woman and then infected her? Don't you want to get busy with a clear conscience?

 

Chances are, you will clear up and the virus will go dormant, never to infect anybody. I always hear people say that HPV is the "common cold" of STDs. (Not sure about the accuracy of that, though.)

 

STD history is information that should not be kept from a potential sexual partner. Put yourself in her place. You would want to know, and you would deserve at least that much respect.

[SoVeryFrustrated]

Some people will be pushed away by this, but come on, could you really live with yourself if you hid it from a woman and then infected her? Don't you want to get busy with a clear conscience?

 

Chances are, you will clear up and the virus will go dormant, never to infect anybody. I always hear people say that HPV is the "common cold" of STDs. (Not sure about the accuracy of that, though.)

 

STD history is information that should not be kept from a potential sexual partner. Put yourself in her place. You would want to know, and you would deserve at least that much respect.

 

I do agree with you, any future sexual partners will be told how I have no idea. I have a conscience and wouldn't do that to them. I wouldn't withhold something that I feel would jeopardize someones health. I am an honest guy so my conscience needs to be clear. Dating is hard enough as it is however this just made it nearly impossible.

[SoVeryFrustrated]

Some people will be pushed away by this, but come on, could you really live with yourself if you hid it from a woman and then infected her? Don't you want to get busy with a clear conscience?

 

Chances are, you will clear up and the virus will go dormant, never to infect anybody. I always hear people say that HPV is the "common cold" of STDs. (Not sure about the accuracy of that, though.)

 

STD history is information that should not be kept from a potential sexual partner. Put yourself in her place. You would want to know, and you would deserve at least that much respect.

 

The STD expert I went too said if I don't see anything in five months, then I am in the clear. This guy is world recognized on every STD and has written books. So I am just traumatized by the stigma of it and a variety of other things.

[Mad Max]

80-90% have HPV. Fortunately, the strain you have(warts) is low risk and is not the strain that causes cancer. Most strains are harmless, but there are some that cause cancer. Considering your past, you should be thankful that low risk HPV is all you have. Anyone that sleeps around(even with protection) in this day and age is a total fool.

[SoVeryFrustrated]

80-90% have HPV. Fortunately, the strain you have(warts) is low risk and is not the strain that causes cancer. Most strains are harmless, but there are some that cause cancer. Considering your past, you should be thankful that low risk HPV is all you have. Anyone that sleeps around(even with protection) in this day and age is a total fool.

 

You are correct. But I digress. I will not repeat my past behavior. So my past behavior is not indicative of my future behavior, you can be sure of that. I know I am lucky that I don't have the cancer causing kind, but the kind that I have sucks. I am very thankful trust me. Just a shocker. Well not really shocking, I brought it on myself.

[Mad Max]

You are correct. But I digress. I will not repeat my past behavior. So my past behavior is not indicative of my future behavior, you can be sure of that. I know I am lucky that I don't have the cancer causing kind, but the kind that I have sucks. I am very thankful trust me. Just a shocker. Well not really shocking, I brought it on myself.

 

 

That remains to be seen and most don't change. I hope you do change, but the odds are not on your side.

[SoVeryFrustrated]

That remains to be seen and most don't change. I hope you do change, but the odds are not on your side.

 

Not to be rude, but unless you took an consesus or census of people who learn from their mistakes of the past, I disagree with you totally. To me at least this something life altering. I know several other people who have in the past been promiscious when they were younger and realized they were exhibiting their behavior for the wrong reasons, sought therapy and changed. So the most comment I don't buy. Just my two cents.

[SoVeryFrustrated]

I would like to add that the odds are in my favor, I am the master of my own fate, not any statistic, this is the first thing I have learned since being told I have HPV. I have decided to change. Why ? Because my past behavior was the reason I am in the predicament I am in.

[Mad Max]

Not to be rude, but unless you took an consesus or census of people who learn from their mistakes of the past, I disagree with you totally. To me at least this something life altering. I know several other people who have in the past been promiscious when they were younger and realized they were exhibiting their behavior for the wrong reasons, sought therapy and changed. So the most comment I don't buy. Just my two cents.

 

 

I call it life experience. Most promiscous people I've come across even if they stopped sleeping around, they usually made terrible partners. People's core personality usually don't change. Most criminals end up back in prison. People can and have changed for the better. The thing is you have to WANT to change. Most don't want to or care to. I hope you do change for the better.

[Star Gazer]

I would trust your specialist. In any case, there's no way for you to know in the future whether you're free of the virus because there's no FDA-approved test for HPV for men. The only thing you could ever find out is that you still have the virus because of the appearance of more warts.

 

And that's only for LOW risk. The high risk form doesn't cause warts, it causes CANCER. There's no way to know a man has high risk HPV other than if he is diagnosed with penile cancer, or his partner is diagnosed with HPV.

[SoVeryFrustrated]

I call it life experience. Most promiscous people I've come across even if they stopped sleeping around, they usually made terrible partners. People's core personality usually don't change. Most criminals end up back in prison. People can and have changed for the better. The thing is you have to WANT to change. Most don't want to or care to. I hope you do change for the better.

 

I do see your point, working in Law Enforcement, however you cant really compare someones potential criminality over someones promiscousity. Of course I want to change for the better, I dodged a bullet, I mean HPV is somewhat serious however if I continued my shennanigans, there are far worse things I could have contracted. I am thinking logically. People do change my friend. Have faith, I am trying too, my first step is worrying about me and not worry about dating or having sex, because that is not important in my life right now.

[Mad Max]

I do see your point, working in Law Enforcement, however you cant really compare someones potential criminality over someones promiscousity. Of course I want to change for the better, I dodged a bullet, I mean HPV is somewhat serious however if I continued my shennanigans, there are far worse things I could have contracted. I am thinking logically. People do change my friend. Have faith, I am trying too, my first step is worrying about me and not worry about dating or having sex, because that is not important in my life right now.

 

 

I'm not comparing the acts. The point is both require a core personality and that personality is developed at an early age. People do change, but the fact is most don't. If you truly want to change, the best way to do that is only have sex in a committed relationship.

[SoVeryFrustrated]

I'm not comparing the acts. The point is both require a core personality and that personality is developed at an early age. People do change, but the fact is most don't. If you truly want to change, the best way to do that is only have sex in a committed relationship.

 

Hence my quagmire, now that I thinking relationship material only, no woman will ever want to be with me due to the HPV.

[Mad Max]

Hence my quagmire, now that I thinking relationship material only, no woman will ever want to be with me due to the HPV.

 

 

You have low risk HPV. Any other type and you would not show any symptoms. A guy can have high risk HPV, now show any symptoms, and he'd be 10x more dangerous than you. My mom survived cervical cancer. She was diagnosed just after she turned 25. She was treated, is fine, and has been in a relationship for the last nine years.

[hoping2heal]

Hi everyone,

Long time lurker here. I am seeking the advice, insight, or experiences of any male or female posters that have been through what I am about to describe. I am not looking to be bashed, or judged, I just need someplace neutral to describe how I feel and some possible advice.

 

Me, male, early 30's vast sexual past, not proud of it, but take responsibility for my promiscouity (sp?). I found out approximately a week or two that I have HPV low risk. I had one genital wart that I surgically removed. I have done my research on it and even saw a specialist. He said chances are if another one doesn't pop up in five months then my body has rid of it of the virus. I have read online to the contrary however he is a doctor and a specialist so I should trust him. I tested negative for everything else.

 

Now this is how I feel. I am ruined. I am damaged. I can never get married now or have children. There is a stigma having an STD and I don't think any girl would entertain the idea of dating or having a sexual relationship with a guy with low risk HPV.

 

When I was told the results, I was advised not to tell any future partners. I find this morally wrong. They have a right to know. What is the general consensus from everyone. Is my life ruined. Do I become celibate? The one question I forgot to ask my Doctor is if I have no wart am I still contagious? Ladies be be honest, this is a deal breaker right ? How would I bring this up ? I am used to having sex very quickly in a relationship or when I meet a woman.

 

What this has taught me: I blame no one but myself, there are more important things in life like this to worry about then drama and other things, I know now whats important, but I am ruined forever. Please some feedback would be nice.

Hi

 

I can understand how you're feeling because while I do not have any std's, I had a scare once that I might due to sexual abuse and it scared the crap out of me. The thought I could be marked forever..

 

Firstly, the most shocking thing in this post, was that you were actually advised NOT to tell your partners. I would never again see that doctor or nurse who told you that. I can't even begin to explain all of the wrong there.

 

Secondly, There are men and women with herpes who still carry on lives and have relationships including marriage. Is there a stigma? Yes. If you have herpes will it limit your options in women? Yes but that does not mean you are completely ruined for life and no one will ever want you. I used to think an std was the worst thing in the world. I'll be honest and say I have never been able to think about my partners and had they told me they had an std? I just could not accept them.

 

BUT with my current partner, there is a whole lot I could accept and still love about him. It is kind of crazy the things I would be willing to accept/forgive (of course not abuse and such). If a die hard like me could be convinced to re-think things, there is always a shot for you. Also, there are ways to minimize the risks to your partner if you do have it. I think properly educating future prospects is the best thing you can do for you both.

 

Don't go around feeling you have a big red "H" branded on you for life. I hope all goes well and maybe this was just a wake up call. If it was? Don't be the idiot who forgets the lesson learned and jumps back on the same former path.

[SoVeryFrustrated]

You have low risk HPV. Any other type and you would not show any symptoms. A guy can have high risk HPV, now show any symptoms, and he'd be 10x more dangerous than you. My mom survived cervical cancer. She was diagnosed just after she turned 25. She was treated, is fine, and has been in a relationship for the last nine years.

 

I am glad your mom is ok. The nurse actually said I am lucky that I have low risk, but the warts are the part that are the worst. I am going to concentrate on me right now, so thanks for the advice. I have a friend who has HPV low risk, he has had like five breakouts over a year. Knock on wood I havent had anything since the initial removal of it.

[welikeincrowds]

This discussion of change is unnecessarily broad. Some people decide not to eat spicy food anymore. Some people decide not to hate gays anymore. Where's the distinction?

 

Mad Max, I question your life experience if you have not been witness to people changing aspects of their lifestyle or even what they thought were core beliefs. What we often consider core beliefs are cultural, products of an era, and as times change, so too can deeply held values. Or, they can't. I have seen and experienced both.

 

OP, I wonder about your guilt over your promiscuity. I am sure your reasons are valid, and you have not shared much about it nor much of your history, but I am concerned about a tone of moral judgment that is coming from you toward yourself, and is being echoed in this thread, that I have not seen evidence to support. I suppose you feel that you've violated some personal ethic, but I wonder what that is, or why you feel it.

 

There is certainly something to be said for putting your own body and the bodies of others at risk with unprotected sex. That is indeed dangerous and potentially unethical. But that is not what you mean when you say that you are an honest guy looking to change your ways. With this statement you equate sleeping around with dishonesty, when one can perfectly well engage in casual sex while remaining completely honest. So what is it about this that is violating your conscience? Why do you feel shame about the way you've thus far led your sexual life?

[SoVeryFrustrated]

I can understand how you're feeling because while I do not have any std's, I had a scare once that I might due to sexual abuse and it scared the crap out of me. The thought I could be marked forever..

 

Firstly, the most shocking thing in this post, was that you were actually advised NOT to tell your partners. I would never again see that doctor or nurse who told you that. I can't even begin to explain all of the wrong there.

 

Secondly, There are men and women with herpes who still carry on lives and have relationships including marriage. Is there a stigma? Yes. If you have herpes will it limit your options in women? Yes but that does not mean you are completely ruined for life and no one will ever want you. I used to think an std was the worst thing in the world. I'll be honest and say I have never been able to think about my partners and had they told me they had an std? I just could not accept them.

 

BUT with my current partner, there is a whole lot I could accept and still love about him. It is kind of crazy the things I would be willing to accept/forgive (of course not abuse and such). If a die hard like me could be convinced to re-think things, there is always a shot for you. Also, there are ways to minimize the risks to your partner if you do have it. I think properly educating future prospects is the best thing you can do for you both.

 

Don't go around feeling you have a big red "H" branded on you for life. I hope all goes well and maybe this was just a wake up call. If it was? Don't be the idiot who forgets the lesson learned and jumps back on the same former path.

 

Thank you for your advice. It means a lot to me that you took the time to read my story. This was a wake up call believe me, and I will not repeat the same mistake twice. My personality mechanism kicked in that I have no choice but to change. I wasn't looking for a relationship but until I heal myself of this for now and take care of myself, I am not going to pursue any woman, sexually. Condoms dont minimize the risk, so I am told, so I dont know what to say. Some women would run the other way, some women would be accepting. If you look at the facts, it is the most common STD in the world, and is only transferred by skin on skin contact, a skin condition. It cannot be transmitted through semen or blood, none the less it is still an STD. I definately redefined my priorities. And the proof is in the pudding. I have had 4 opportunities to have sex in the past week. I said no to each and every one of them. So, people do change. Life isn't about quantity, its about quality, I am learning.