Am I reading too much in?

[2010_Sorry]

Ex-husband and I have been divorced for 3 months, separated for 18 months, due to my infidelity.

 

I have learned so much about myself over the past few months, and there are so many things I want to share with my ex-husband. I know that I messed up a wonderful thing, but here are the things he's telling me about reconciliation:

 

1. "I do not trust you"

2. "I would lose my family and friends if I took you back"

3. "I cannot feel that pain again, I do not want to feel that pain again"

4. "I forgive you"

5. "A decision to reconcile is a decision that I am not yet ready to make"

6. "I don't think I will change my mind any time soon"

7. "I am happy now, nobody can hurt me the way you hurt me"

8. "You need to do what is right for you"

9. "I don't appreciate the full court press you have been doing on me" (I've been talking with ALL of our friends and family, church family, old marriage counselor, primary care physician etc).

10. Then he tells me that he dad had a heart to heart with him a few weeks ago and his dad said "She will eventually wear you down, and you will take her back"

11. "It wasn't the fact that you cheated, but that you left. Divorce and Separation are not options in a marriage, I thought you knew that".

 

I have a few other posts out here, but I keep processing all of these comments. I really think I hear a man that has been hurt deeply and is confused. Everyone here on the site has told me to move on, and I am working on my own healing, and patience with him but my insides are a wreck. Anyone else want to take a crack at these comments?

[Surfer203]

I know EXACTLY how he feels. I am getting to the point of where your husband is emotionally. It is so risky to try again and potentially be subjected to the torture of being f***** over again. It is terrifying to potentially be hurt again that deeply. I feel the same about my wife.. I wish things worked out from the start, I wish none of this ever happened.. but looking back now, I hate who she became and what she did. I will never be able to forgive her for what she did to me and I am sure on some level neither will your husband. Trust, love, forgiveness are all things that may never return.. and if they do they will be hard to acheive. Best of luck - you really should move on and give him and everyone else in your life that you are talking to some space and peace. Maybe things will work out in the future, but your ex is rebuilding his life - why would he risk losing all of his progress? Maybe one day, but not now.

[What_Next]

I can understand every single one of those comments by your Ex husband. In fact it would be easy for me to say you got precisely what you deserved but I certainly won't do that. The main reason is that I don't know the whole story.

 

My wife also cheated and I can certainly empathize with his desire not to EVER want to be hurt like that again. In fact it is one of things that is a roadblock in my reconciliation with my wife. I have given her a second chance yes, but boy are there conditions. Oh boy are there conditions. Also we live seperately right now and will continue to for one year (we signed leases on our apartments). Not only that our finances are seperate and will continue to be seperate.

 

My advice, move on, put your life back together. Let him do his thing. Don't pressure, bother or get in his way. If he is meant to find his way back to you, he will. Don't play games, try and make him jealous or do anything that would set you back further than you already are. Perhaps offer an olive branch of friendship, but NO STRINGS! NO GAMES!

 

Learn to heal yourself, soul search get to the bottom of why you did what you did so that if given the chance you can clearly show him that you not only have come to terms with it, but your behavior has been modified forever. I know that is the ONLY chance my wife has.

[2010_Sorry]

Thanks to both of you for your replies. I really appreciate your honest opinions and advice.

 

Believe it or not, I am working on myself... FOR myself. I have noticed major changes in my life recently, I care more about others and this experience has strengthened my relationship with my friends, family and church in a way that it has never been before. I feel that I am a completely different person.

 

I did get what I deserved, but I know that this mistake HAD to happen for me to become the stronger, more loving person that I am today. I know that I will be okay if he never decides to reconcile, but that does not mean that I do not still have hope for us later in life.

 

I know what you're saying about my ex re-building his life, but from the outside looking in, it seems that he is still depressed. He is drowning in alcohol every night, burying himself in work and dating several different people per week. Maybe this is a man's way of re-building his life, but it doesn't seem healthy.

 

I have been giving him space. I tried NC and he keeps texting me. I have not talked about reconciliation to him in about 2 weeks.

 

Thanks again to both of you!

[Surfer203]

2010 Sorry: That is how some men "heal" themelves.. but it is not how a REAL MAN heals himself. I have not touched alcohol or dated or done anything negative towards my health or life. I decided to get happy, to knock off all of the bulls*** and get on with life. It is working so far, I am happy and it has only been about 7 weeks since my wife left me. He is depressed, he is at the lowest of lows right now and he needs to pick himself up for better of himself and his family, friends etc.

[What_Next]

I know what you're saying about my ex re-building his life, but from the outside looking in, it seems that he is still depressed. He is drowning in alcohol every night, burying himself in work and dating several different people per week. Maybe this is a man's way of re-building his life, but it doesn't seem healthy.

 

I have been giving him space. I tried NC and he keeps texting me. I have not talked about reconciliation to him in about 2 weeks.

 

Boy how can I empathize. I did all 3 of those things. I still am with booze to a certain extent, but I have that under control now.

 

Good for you for working on you. It is the only change you have.

[2010_Sorry]

Update! He is now in a committed relationship! Our mutual friends have met her and say it's obvious that there is no chemistry between them (I guess she is a personality DUD), and he's just with her to pass the time.

 

I think his downward spiral is about to begin.....

[Surfer203]

2010 Sorry - Yep.. wait for it. I watched my wife drift down the spiral and it is not pretty.

[Darth Vader]

Thanks to both of you for your replies. I really appreciate your honest opinions and advice.

 

Believe it or not, I am working on myself... FOR myself. I have noticed major changes in my life recently, I care more about others and this experience has strengthened my relationship with my friends, family and church in a way that it has never been before. I feel that I am a completely different person.

 

I did get what I deserved, but I know that this mistake HAD to happen for me to become the stronger, more loving person that I am today. I know that I will be okay if he never decides to reconcile, but that does not mean that I do not still have hope for us later in life.

 

I know what you're saying about my ex re-building his life, but from the outside looking in, it seems that he is still depressed. He is drowning in alcohol every night, burying himself in work and dating several different people per week. Maybe this is a man's way of re-building his life, but it doesn't seem healthy.

 

I have been giving him space. I tried NC and he keeps texting me. I have not talked about reconciliation to him in about 2 weeks.

 

Thanks again to both of you!

 

 

Affairs are not a mistake, they're intenstional! What's wrong with him having someone else? You did and ripped his heart out! So now because it's him he has no rights?? Sick!

Edited December 13, 2010 by Darth Vader

[2010_Sorry]

Hi Darth. Maybe to some people affairs are intentional, I'm sure they probably are. I know that there are people that are repeat offenders and probably have sex addictions.

 

However, I believe that there are some people that experience an affair, hide their face in shame and FINALLY see the light! Those people can turn that experience into a learning opportunity and grow as people, lovers and friends. I know that this is exactly what has happened to me.

[Surfer203]

2010 Sorry: I believe what you are saying to be true. I have faith that not everyone who cheats will repeat offend.

[Lionblade]

Update! He is now in a committed relationship! Our mutual friends have met her and say it's obvious that there is no chemistry between them (I guess she is a personality DUD), and he's just with her to pass the time.

 

I think his downward spiral is about to begin.....

 

.....and did you think they'd say she's awesome?

[homebrew]

Ex-husband and I have been divorced for 3 months, separated for 18 months, due to my infidelity.

 

I have learned so much about myself over the past few months, and there are so many things I want to share with my ex-husband. I know that I messed up a wonderful thing, but here are the things he's telling me about reconciliation:

 

1. "I do not trust you"

2. "I would lose my family and friends if I took you back"

3. "I cannot feel that pain again, I do not want to feel that pain again"

4. "I forgive you"

5. "A decision to reconcile is a decision that I am not yet ready to make"

6. "I don't think I will change my mind any time soon"

7. "I am happy now, nobody can hurt me the way you hurt me"

8. "You need to do what is right for you"

9. "I don't appreciate the full court press you have been doing on me" (I've been talking with ALL of our friends and family, church family, old marriage counselor, primary care physician etc).

10. Then he tells me that he dad had a heart to heart with him a few weeks ago and his dad said "She will eventually wear you down, and you will take her back"

11. "It wasn't the fact that you cheated, but that you left. Divorce and Separation are not options in a marriage, I thought you knew that".

 

I have a few other posts out here, but I keep processing all of these comments. I really think I hear a man that has been hurt deeply and is confused. Everyone here on the site has told me to move on, and I am working on my own healing, and patience with him but my insides are a wreck. Anyone else want to take a crack at these comments?

 

You want to know a SECRET?!?!?!?!

 

Your EX will tell you EXACTLY what you need to do to get them back.

He is the ONLY EXPERT when it comes to what it will take to WIN HIM BACK.

 

My advice, do EXACTLY what HE is telling you to do if you would like to give yourself the best possible chance of being successful!

 

He and his father have already said it was more or less a forgone conclusion if you will simply DO WHAT HE TOLD YOU TO DO.

 

You screwed up once already, so it would be a shame for you to do it again by disregarding him and his wishes. (Which is what you did to get yourself in this mess in the first place!)

 

Your situation seems pretty clear. If you love and want him... Then why don't you start off by TRUSTING HIM, RESPECTING HIM, HONORING HIM AND GIVE HIM THE TIME AND SPACE THAT HE REQUESTED SO HE CAN DEAL / WORK THROUGH ALL THE CRAP THAT YOU HAVE PUT HIM THROUGH!

 

If you will get out of your own way... You so got this!

 

Do you need him to draw you a map?

Edited December 14, 2010 by homebrew

[2010_Sorry]

Lionblade, these mutual friends of ours have been in a similar situation of infidelity and reconciliation a few years prior. They are a great success story and are really trying to maintain hope. They probably wouldn't tell me how awesome she is... but they do seem to be completely honest with me about their opinions, even though it may be painful.

 

Homebrew, wow. I know you're right. I know that a reconciliation has to happen on HIS timetable, not mine. I have been giving him space... and I am not pushing the relationship like I was a month ago. I am just sitting back, working on myself... trying to heal. I really appreciate your post.