it's so HARD to get out of the mentality of fearing rejection!

[bsilmb]

hi all! so I'm 16 and a sophomore. I'm 6'2" and have another thread of some pics if you wanna see me.

 

so I've dated a few girls, but never for more than a month. I talk to them pretty easily cuz I'm in a class where it forces me to talk to them on a regular basis. and also, it's the place of my predicament at the moment. there's this girl I feel may like me. a guy friend thinks so too. whenever me and the guy talk in class, she will usually find a way to talk to me. and she laughs at most everything I say, or at least smiles. and we talk semi frequently otherwise. the only thing is, i'm afriad to ask her out it kinda pisses me off that I fear her rejecting me. I mean I just don't know when te time would be right. nothing will change if I just talk forever. I want to talk some more, but I want to eventually make a move. I think that's the thing I'm most apprhensive about, the right time... so what do y'all think?? she doesn't have a boyfriend and has recently as far as I know. we have two classes. one she sits right in front of me, the other she sits near me but it's hectic and talk less consistently but often more frequently.

 

i would just like some feedback on this, I'll give y'all some more info if you need some more. thanks

[Jannah]

No dating for you, you should be focusing on your school work.

[bsilmb]

No dating for you, you should be focusing on your school work.

haha I appreciate the caring, but I have a 3.8 gpa and I'm taking three AP classes. it's never effected my grades, I don't lose focus on my work over others. I don't wanna be obsessive...

[John Bigboote]

Go to a party or something the object of your affection is not at, and play a game of Crash And Burn. Chat up the girls with intentionally stupid opening lines, corny conversation, and try to get rejected. Every rejection earns you 100 points. Every phone number you get penalizes you 200. You'll see that rejection really isn't so bad, and harder to win than you think.

[Green]

Bslimb you already know what to do. Stop waiting for the perfect time and just ask her out THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE HER. Say what ever pops into your mind as long as it involves a time and place. The more confident you sound the better.

 

EXAMPLE. "I was .... uh... thinking.. maybe ... if you would.... we could go to dinner tonight... but if your busy I totaly understand" BADDDDDD but FAR BETTER THEN NOTHING....

 

Somthing like this is probably best "Lets get dinner tonight" or "Lets go to that party/concert/bowling alley this weekend" basicly keep it short... name a time and place... and then GET HER NUMBER...AFTER asking her out.. even if she says no.. OFFER TO PICK HER UP.....YOU Should slightly insist on picking her up... IF she says NO and offers no alternatives say... "is another night better"

 

K its very easy... and you know what you need to do... and you could easily learn this stuf instinctualy if you just wern't so afraid of FAILING....

 

Look man just don't worry about it. YOU LIKE I WAS are your OWN worst enemy when it comes to girls. You know why it seems like there is never a right time to ask her out... BECAUSE YOU OVER ANALYZE... geez in the future your just going to have to ask out girls you like even if there is no information on if she has a bf or if she likes you or men.... some times you only see a girl ONCE and have to act.

 

Look I was my own worst enemy all through out High School AND COLLEGE but you seem to be doing better with women then me. Confidence kinda automaticly comes to most men with age.

[Jannah]

haha I appreciate the caring, but I have a 3.8 gpa and I'm taking three AP classes. it's never effected my grades, I don't lose focus on my work over others. I don't wanna be obsessive...

 

Okay okay, point taken, and good to hear!

[Green]

Okay okay, point taken, and good to hear!

 

AP classes means he is getting college credit potentialy for those classes he takes now in HS... DID YOU DO THAT JANNAH?

[Jannah]

AP classes means he is getting college credit potentialy for those classes he takes now in HS... DID YOU DO THAT JANNAH?

 

Thank you for educating me on AP classes Mr. Green.

 

[bsilmb]

AP classes means he is getting college credit potentialy for those classes he takes now in HS... DID YOU DO THAT JANNAH?

 

ah leave her be, I think she gets it haha

 

no point in straying off topic, it's not the point of the thread

[welikeincrowds]

I like the idea of crash and burn.

 

The problem is that in high school, you're surveilled. Your actions feel like they're a lot heavier or more meaningful than they are because "people will know about it." You're not afraid of rejection -- you're afraid of public shaming.

 

When you're an independent adult, it's different. A rejection is just a no from a stranger, not a judgment of value to be taken personally. The whole process is easier. It helps to not be dealing with idiot 16 year old girls, too.

 

But the thing is, to do this, now or whenever in life, you're going to need to put yourself out there. People in high school don't care about you as much as you think they do. Also, they're just as worried about how they look. And finally, high school doesn't matter, and what other people think about you in general, but especially in high school, doesn't matter. You think for one second that any other 16 year old knows what he's doing? That's not how existential crises work.

 

By the way, you shouldn't be dating for a lot of reasons. The most important one, to me, is that you're having an existential crisis. You don't have enough of an identity to have an independent spirit with an object of your affection. You're going to internalize problems and try to define yourself through her. In most cases, HS relationships don't last and are unimportant to you in your future -- unlike, perhaps, your friends. If I were you, I would consider taking this advice about rejection to the next drunken party you attend, loosen your morals, and practice exercising your tongue muscles.

[bsilmb]

I like the idea of crash and burn.

 

The problem is that in high school, you're surveilled. Your actions feel like they're a lot heavier or more meaningful than they are because "people will know about it." You're not afraid of rejection -- you're afraid of public shaming.

 

When you're an independent adult, it's different. A rejection is just a no from a stranger, not a judgment of value to be taken personally. The whole process is easier. It helps to not be dealing with idiot 16 year old girls, too.

 

But the thing is, to do this, now or whenever in life, you're going to need to put yourself out there. People in high school don't care about you as much as you think they do. Also, they're just as worried about how they look. And finally, high school doesn't matter, and what other people think about you in general, but especially in high school, doesn't matter. You think for one second that any other 16 year old knows what he's doing? That's not how existential crises work.

 

By the way, you shouldn't be dating for a lot of reasons. The most important one, to me, is that you're having an existential crisis. You don't have enough of an identity to have an independent spirit with an object of your affection. You're going to internalize problems and try to define yourself through her. In most cases, HS relationships don't last and are unimportant to you in your future -- unlike, perhaps, your friends. If I were you, I would consider taking this advice about rejection to the next drunken party you attend, loosen your morals, and practice exercising your tongue muscles.

 

haha I understand, but i've never had that man whore urge. I don't feel like using a girleven if it's mutually non comitted. I want to have a meaningful relationship, I don't care if it's successful, I just want the experience for future relationships, not practice at sharing spit with ever slut around. I respect your opinion on it, it's just not how I roll man.

[Green]

A lot of what he said was good. High School doesn't really matter. Just have fun and enjoy yourself. Play sports and video games with your friends. Work a job thats fun and gives you extra spending cash. (don't work to much)

 

I knew what I needed to get girls back when I was in HS its just I couldn't get over fear of rejection. I was happier just being GOOFY then ever MAKING a MOVE and TOUCHING/KISSING the girls I liked. If a girl had tried to ask me out I probably would have run away for fear of "once she gets to know me she'll just dump me better to run away and have her think I rejected her" thats how much of a puss I was.

 

But looking back I was happy just driving my car around with all my friends and getting into trouble all night long. Sure it would be fun to have a memory of high school girls but I wouldn't be who I am now had I not been with out a girl for so many years.

 

Look you don't need advice you know exactly what you have to do but your to afraid. No shame in that.

 

your fear of rejection is irational. really about the worst thing that could happen is she say "no"... but very likely she will say "yes" and even if she doesn't say yes people will think you are cool for asking.

 

One of the things that helped me get over my fears of rejection was to see all the pretty women dating guys who I considered LOSERS... I was like that guys a LOSER... damn if he can get a pretty girl then so can I.

[bsilmb]

A lot of what he said was good. High School doesn't really matter. Just have fun and enjoy yourself. Play sports and video games with your friends. Work a job thats fun and gives you extra spending cash. (don't work to much)

 

I knew what I needed to get girls back when I was in HS its just I couldn't get over fear of rejection. I was happier just being GOOFY then ever MAKING a MOVE and TOUCHING/KISSING the girls I liked. If a girl had tried to ask me out I probably would have run away for fear of "once she gets to know me she'll just dump me better to run away and have her think I rejected her" thats how much of a puss I was.

 

But looking back I was happy just driving my car around with all my friends and getting into trouble all night long. Sure it would be fun to have a memory of high school girls but I wouldn't be who I am now had I not been with out a girl for so many years.

 

Look you don't need advice you know exactly what you have to do but your to afraid. No shame in that.

 

your fear of rejection is irational. really about the worst thing that could happen is she say "no"... but very likely she will say "yes" and even if she doesn't say yes people will think you are cool for asking.

 

One of the things that helped me get over my fears of rejection was to see all the pretty women dating guys who I considered LOSERS... I was like that guys a LOSER... damn if he can get a pretty girl then so can I.

haha you got some good points. I know it sounds crazy, but i've got balls now!

 

and that chick with the bf now seems flirty, but maybe friendly. she always makes an effort to say hi or smile in the halls to me. what to do??

[AT-AT28]

Your 16? Pfff, kid, ignore woman until your in college, they aint worth it until that point unless you just want booty calls with all the popular school girls in your class.

 

High school..... what a hormoneial crazed, popularity contest from hell that was for me. Its been 11 years and I don't miss it.

Edited December 10, 2010 by AT-AT28

[NorthBound]

It gets old hearing you're too young to date/screw around with girls but I can assure you, it's said for a reason.

These are the years you need to develop yourself, your future etc. Find good friends/hobbies or whatever makes you feel good, try to keep your life simple. You are still a boy whether or not you believe it.

Girls will hinder your personal progression. They are fun for awhile, the highs you'll ride are probably more exciting then anything else you've done... the lows are equally as exciting haha. When you find love, you'll think its the best thing that has ever happened to you.

 

Those girls have no idea what the hell they are getting involved in, they like to play games, have crushs, f**k around but they don't take your feelings to heart, they do not know what love really is... even though they tell you and try to convince others they do. They truly believe it themselves. What they are actually looking for and believe is "love" is actually just having fun and feeling excitied, these feelings are new to them still, aswell as yourself.

 

I already know you feel like you have a superior understanding of these things, that you know how you'll handle different situations that you've never experienced. That you want a meaningful relationship and that you don't "roll that way"... when it comes to messing around and having a good time without hurting yourself.

 

I can tell you without a doubt...

Taking any relationship seriously in high school is absurd, that looking for something "real" isn't going to happen and will only f*ck with your head.

 

You'll laugh looking back at this in your twentys. I would even bet you are this very second haha...

At that point it won't be the arrogance causing it,

it will be your understanding and personal experience you'd wish you had at 16.

[AT-AT28]

My mentality is basically day at night now that im 30 in comparison to when I was 15. Im still "me" but alot more refined and defined and I like it actually.

 

Just wish I didn't have this damn OCD and hormones making it all the more tougher to figure crap out

[bsilmb]

My mentality is basically day at night now that im 30 in comparison to when I was 15. Im still "me" but alot more refined and defined and I like it actually.

 

Just wish I didn't have this damn OCD and hormones making it all the more tougher to figure crap out

 

haha I know you all are right and I know I'll think it's silly WHEN IM 30, but my hormones have won. i used to be one of those obsessive clingy guys when I got a "girlfriend". but after trial and error, Im sure i don't have it figured out yet, but I'm better.

 

I'll take it easy with girls and won't be falling in love anytime soon. just experienc so I'm not so new when college comes around.

 

I know y'all will argue against it, but my question involves the girl in my class. well two classes. we talk everyday and always have things to talk about. she smiles and laughs at anything funny I say. and I'm decent friend with her bestfriend. now the girl I like, girl a, is besties with girl b. now I've talked to girl b more but we hadn't really talked for a month or so. but all of a sudden, she texted me today, asking some questions for class. then I asked her if she was good friends with girl a (I knew they were).

 

she said yeah and said, "why do you like her?:)"

 

I said I wasn't sure but she basically forced it out of me. I trust her and she's not gonna go gossiping. she's a cool girl, not a bitch. but she said I should work my charm and get her number. she also said she wouldtalk about me to her and make me sound good. she also may see if she likes me. I don't like when it goes like that, but I just want to know what I'm getting into. any advice??

 

I'm sure I'm making y'all cringe, sorry!

[AT-AT28]

Dude, lets just say I had a crush on a girl for 14 years since I was in 1st grade. I wished, hope and prayed that someday she would notice me and we would get together. I was obessesd with this girl for half my life.

 

I don't think I need to tell you how it ended a few years after high school and how heartbroken I was

[Jannah]

OP, there has been a lot of good advice in this thread and a lot of your threads are basically asking for similar advice which has been given to you.

 

It is like the riding a bike for the first time mentality, we can tell you different ways to do it, and you can think about how you will do it over and over, but you will never ride that bike unless you get on it and try.

 

So, ask a girl out and be decisive with it, and ride your bike to her house, take a bus, however you can transportation wise and meet her at a place and time designated.

 

You can do it!!

[bsilmb]

OP, there has been a lot of good advice in this thread and a lot of your threads are basically asking for similar advice which has been given to you.

 

It is like the riding a bike for the first time mentality, we can tell you different ways to do it, and you can think about how you will do it over and over, but you will never ride that bike unless you get on it and try.

 

So, ask a girl out and be decisive with it, and ride your bike to her house, take a bus, however you can transportation wise and meet her at a place and time designated.

 

You can do it!!

I can DO it!! just gotta be confident. it looks good right now

 

I know it's stupid that I'm letting her friend help me, but do girls usually tell their friends the truth and open up?? I do with my friends usually!

[Eddie Edirol]

I can DO it!! just gotta be confident. it looks good right now

 

I know it's stupid that I'm letting her friend help me, but do girls usually tell their friends the truth and open up?? I do with my friends usually!

 

Thinking ignorantly positive wont help you here, gotta be realistic.

 

Girls will sometimes help you out, they will also laugh at you if girl A doesnt like you. But dont worry bout it. Dont wait for girl b to big you up. Go up to girl A next class, ask her if she wants to join you at (insert someplace fun here) and expect that she says no.

 

Ask her like you know she will say yes because youre just that awesome. When you expect her to say no, it wont hurt as much when she does. if she says yes, get her number, but expect the worst in steps. Women give you their numbers so they dont have to tell you no. its easier to accept rejection when you know the possible scenarios that could happen.

 

1) Expect she will ignore you when you call her (for christs sake dont text!)

 

2.) If she answers, confirm the date, make her laugh, and get the hell off the phone. Youre busy! Leave her wanting more. Save the good stuff for the date. Expect she will cancel on you with a lame excuse of "my friend had to go to the hospital". Expect she wont answer when its time for you to meet.

 

3.) if she answers for you to meet, youre almost home free. Expect she doesnt show up, and ignores your call when you try to find her.

 

4.) if she shows up, expect she will be uncomfortable and wont kiss you at the end of the date. if she doesnt, you wont get a second date.

 

if she gives you her number, but ignores calls or texts, and then doesnt talk to you anymore in class, just text her that shes a horrible person. That really burns.

[Green]

haha I know you all are right and I know I'll think it's silly WHEN IM 30, but my hormones have won. i used to be one of those obsessive clingy guys when I got a "girlfriend". but after trial and error, Im sure i don't have it figured out yet, but I'm better.

 

I'll take it easy with girls and won't be falling in love anytime soon. just experienc so I'm not so new when college comes around.

 

I know y'all will argue against it, but my question involves the girl in my class. well two classes. we talk everyday and always have things to talk about. she smiles and laughs at anything funny I say. and I'm decent friend with her bestfriend. now the girl I like, girl a, is besties with girl b. now I've talked to girl b more but we hadn't really talked for a month or so. but all of a sudden, she texted me today, asking some questions for class. then I asked her if she was good friends with girl a (I knew they were).

 

she said yeah and said, "why do you like her?:)"

 

I said I wasn't sure but she basically forced it out of me. I trust her and she's not gonna go gossiping. she's a cool girl, not a bitch. but she said I should work my charm and get her number. she also said she wouldtalk about me to her and make me sound good. she also may see if she likes me. I don't like when it goes like that, but I just want to know what I'm getting into. any advice??

 

I'm sure I'm making y'all cringe, sorry!

 

You are really overthinking this and YOU ARN"T BEING YOURSELF. Dude when you told that other girl who is her friend you like her you basicly made yourself look like a loser for not having the guts to do anything about it. In the future don't go around telling people you like some one but instead JUST ASK THEM OUT. The more you think and the more advice you ask for and the more you put your picture on here asking what you look like.... THE MORE YOU FAIL... JUST DO IT... don't THINK... DONT ASK for ADVICE.... JUST BE YOURSELF and DO what we can all tell you want to do... .ASK HER OUT... and if you are to scared to do it just calm yourself down with the knowledge that as you get older you will get HORNIER and LESS afraid. GOod luck

[bsilmb]

You are really overthinking this and YOU ARN"T BEING YOURSELF. Dude when you told that other girl who is her friend you like her you basicly made yourself look like a loser for not having the guts to do anything about it. In the future don't go around telling people you like some one but instead JUST ASK THEM OUT. The more you think and the more advice you ask for and the more you put your picture on here asking what you look like.... THE MORE YOU FAIL... JUST DO IT... don't THINK... DONT ASK for ADVICE.... JUST BE YOURSELF and DO what we can all tell you want to do... .ASK HER OUT... and if you are to scared to do it just calm yourself down with the knowledge that as you get older you will get HORNIER and LESS afraid. GOod luck

 

alright well girl b said that girl a said she ist sure if she likes me, more friendship than romantic, but girl b said I should still go for girl a but just make a move so I dontget friendzoned forever. good?

[Green]

alright well girl b said that girl a said she ist sure if she likes me, more friendship than romantic, but girl b said I should still go for girl a but just make a move so I dontget friendzoned forever. good?

 

Don't talk to people about how you like other people... stop asking for advice... JUST DO IT. You made things more complicated by ever talking to another girl about the situation for all you know girl B is sabotaging you... if anything just the fact that girl "a" knows you talk about her makes you seem unconfident and less attractive. Bottom line if you like girl "a" go find out for yourself if shes willing to go out with you ASK HER... its not rocket science YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO AND SAY... and even if you screw up YOU WILL LEARN... this can't be taught through talking it out or SCIENTIST who know about body chemistry and ANTHROPOLOGICAL HUMAN behavior would be good with women. (but they are usaly dorks, nerds, geeks who suck with women) case and point the less you think and the more you ACT the better you will do. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ENJOY THE CHASE OF A WOMAN... DONt stress about it... the POINT is to have FUN with her whether it be holding hands at the movie... or reaching a feel of her boobs ect... FUN IS THE POINT... the point isn't to OBSESS about if SHE LIKES YOU OR NOT and OVER IF IT WOULD BE AWKWARD IF SHE REJECTS YOU OR STOPS LIKEING YOU... thinking and worying about those things instead of thinking of this as FUN is BAD.... FUN FUN FUN... JUST DO IT or atleast stop obsessing about it and worrying about it

[bsilmb]

Don't talk to people about how you like other people... stop asking for advice... JUST DO IT. You made things more complicated by ever talking to another girl about the situation for all you know girl B is sabotaging you... if anything just the fact that girl "a" knows you talk about her makes you seem unconfident and less attractive. Bottom line if you like girl "a" go find out for yourself if shes willing to go out with you ASK HER... its not rocket science YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO AND SAY... and even if you screw up YOU WILL LEARN... this can't be taught through talking it out or SCIENTIST who know about body chemistry and ANTHROPOLOGICAL HUMAN behavior would be good with women. (but they are usaly dorks, nerds, geeks who suck with women) case and point the less you think and the more you ACT the better you will do. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ENJOY THE CHASE OF A WOMAN... DONt stress about it... the POINT is to have FUN with her whether it be holding hands at the movie... or reaching a feel of her boobs ect... FUN IS THE POINT... the point isn't to OBSESS about if SHE LIKES YOU OR NOT and OVER IF IT WOULD BE AWKWARD IF SHE REJECTS YOU OR STOPS LIKEING YOU... thinking and worying about those things instead of thinking of this as FUN is BAD.... FUN FUN FUN... JUST DO IT or atleast stop obsessing about it and worrying about it

 

haha I'm not obsessing. I'll just get her number Monday. sound good?