J0N Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Hi, I have a question. I have been broken up with my ex for exactly 7 weeks. I have followed the no contact rule to a T. However occasionally I get these thoughts in my head about her being with other guys and enjoying it. This makes me feel like somebody took a red hot fire poker and stabbed me in the stomach with it (graphic I know). I still really care about her, but I respect her decision to live her life the way she wants (even if that means without me). We were really close for nearly two years, I knew things were going downhill for a couple months or so then she suggested ‘taking a break’ I agreed (thinking a little space would be good for our relationship) and we agreed to a week or two, then we would talk and see how we both felt about everything. I really wanted to work things out (and honestly I thought we could/would without too much issue). I thought that we would get back together but after a week and a half, she texted me and said that ‘we should go our separate ways.’ At the time it seemed like she had already made up her mind. Knowing I was powerless to do anything I simply agreed and we broke up, via text messages. I did the usual block myself off of Facebook, delete her number, emails, texts, etc. When things were good between us they were really great we talked about getting married, kids, a dog, etc. Even her parents were beginning to discuss (with her) where we would register. My question is how could she just walk away without even looking back after nearly two years? In the first couple weeks (of the breakup), I was at a buddies place picked up his iPad, went on his Facebook (he’s friends with her too) and I saw pictures of her looking she was having the time of her life. I have been wondering was this all just an illusion? Was she ‘playing me’ the whole time? Is this just an immature reaction to a problem, and she is simply running away from it? I cannot get this out of my head, I wish I could just forget about it and move on.
january2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 IMHO, it's highly unlikely that it was an illusion. It can be extremely hurtful when the other person seems to be happier without us but we don't know that's they really are happy or if it's just a front. She may well be hurting inside but has decided to put a brave face on it and post these pictures on Facebook just to prove that's she's moving on. She may well be trying to run away from it all. Whatever her reasons though, you need to move on and stop checking out any information sources that will give you news about her. Each time you do this, it will take you a step back. Every time you hear anything new about her, you will have to process it and it makes everything still fresh in your mind. I'd suggest that you throw yourself into other aspects of your life or find new ways of channelling that energy that you once gave to her. E.g., gym, school, work, friends etc. Grieve when you need to and when you feel overwhelmed but otherwise you need to get on with your life.
Author J0N Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 I have stopped looking at info sources, I only looked at a couple of pictures on my buddies iPad. Trust me I will NEVER do that again, it ruined my entire weekend. I have had many opportunities since and I have not even gone close to Facebook. I decided a couple days after that 'incident' that I was not going to look at FB log on or anything for 90 days minimum. If I still couldn't handle looking at her profile, I would simply de-friend her at the end of the 90 days. This would sort of 'weld shut' the last door. While I do feel better, there are days where I have to try really hard to restrain myself from calling her and pouring out my heart. I still really care about her, and forgetting about her seems daunting. Basically every major memory or event from the last two years she was involved in in someway or another. I have been working out alot, eating healthier, etc. I also avoid places there is even a chance she could be like the plague. Some people say that the girl has to be really miserable in a given situation before she walks away, I treated this girl like an angel. I guess I will have to just accept that I will never know the real reason she wanted to "go our separate ways"
Leandro Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 IMHO, it's highly unlikely that it was an illusion. It can be extremely hurtful when the other person seems to be happier without us but we don't know that's they really are happy or if it's just a front. She may well be hurting inside but has decided to put a brave face on it and post these pictures on Facebook just to prove that's she's moving on. She may well be trying to run away from it all. Whatever her reasons though, you need to move on and stop checking out any information sources that will give you news about her. Each time you do this, it will take you a step back. Every time you hear anything new about her, you will have to process it and it makes everything still fresh in your mind. I'd suggest that you throw yourself into other aspects of your life or find new ways of channelling that energy that you once gave to her. E.g., gym, school, work, friends etc. Grieve when you need to and when you feel overwhelmed but otherwise you need to get on with your life. ^^^^ I agree with January.
Leandro Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Some people say that the girl has to be really miserable in a given situation before she walks away, I treated this girl like an angel. I guess I will have to just accept that I will never know the real reason she wanted to "go our separate ways" I don't know about that.
january2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I would simply de-friend her at the end of the 90 days. This would sort of 'weld shut' the last door. Why not defriend her now? While I do feel better, there are days where I have to try really hard to restrain myself from calling her and pouring out my heart. Please don't do that. You may be thinking that it will somehow make her change her mind and/or at least you did everything you could to win her back. But if it's over, it's over, whether you beg or plead or not. I still really care about her, and forgetting about her seems daunting. Basically every major memory or event from the last two years she was involved in in someway or another. Best thing to do is to make new memories I have been working out alot, eating healthier, etc. I also avoid places there is even a chance she could be like the plague. An excellent plan Some people say that the girl has to be really miserable in a given situation before she walks away, I treated this girl like an angel. I guess I will have to just accept that I will never know the real reason she wanted to "go our separate ways" I agree with Leandro. I don't think it's as simple as that. Everyone is different. Even if she gave you a "real reason" would you accept it? Or would you question it anyway?
Author J0N Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 See, the only thing with just de-friending her now. Is that I went out of my way to make our breakup peaceful (swallowed my pride, and did not fight with her, I simply went along with her wishes), so that we could hopefully be friends again someday. If she is down about it I don't want to offend or upset her with blocking her on FB. She is moving away at the end of this school year, I never found out where so I guess it would really be pointless to hang on to the false hope of ever being friends with her again. Should I write a note saying "I am not trying to offend you by doing the FB thing, I am doing this for my own good and maybe in time we can re-friend each other?" or should I just do it stone cold and say nothing?
Leandro Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 well she did break up with you. I would just de-friend her for now. Later, when you are no longer wanting her back or have no feelings for her, you can re-friend her.
january2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 well she did break up with you. I would just de-friend her for now. Later, when you are no longer wanting her back or have no feelings for her, you can re-friend her. Agree with Leandro. If you do write something, I'd suggest not phrasing it as a question and also defriend immediately after you send the note, so you are not hanging on waiting for a reply.
bernardverh Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 You can also choose to hide updates from her, no need to block her. Her photo's can be an attention call. And photo's don't show her real feelings. Like the others say, live your life, do what you are doing. You did a great job by respecting her wishes, she will respect you for that. If there's a chance of getting back together, she will contact you in the coming weeks. Post some pictures on facebook sometimes when you're having fun with friends, it's a horrible powerful 'weapon', as you just discovered.
9Lives Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 just unfriend her and be done with it. She aint worried about it. Its just you trying to hold on. Im going to tell you, I did all that trying to hold on and checking fb and it leads to nothing but PAIN PAIN PAIN PAIN. Just do the best thing, no contact and move on. You cant make her come back. If she contacts you, it dont mean nothing either. Seriously just let the whole thing go. People nowadays will leave you at the drop of the hat at any time.
Author J0N Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 Well guys, I did it. I was so nervous that my hands were shaking. I know it is ridiculous, but this was honestly the last connection we had, even though we never used it. I feel somewhat sad but at the same time it is also a good feeling. I wrote her a quick email which said that this was not out of spite, I wish her the best but I had to do this for me, and i sincerely hoped that we could be friends someday when everything passed over. I ended the email with 'there is no need to respond' I would like to thank you guys for encouraging me to do something that I know I had to do. Now on with my life!
suzyq63 Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Jon, I know its hard but you needed to do that. The same thing happened to me. And everytime I saw a picture or even his name, it was a shock to the system and definitely not good. You should take a deep breath, be excited about what your future holds for you and embrace the next chapter. You sound like a truly wonderful person so you deserve someone worthy. take care and you will be fine. Be strong.
Author J0N Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 Thank you, that was the nicest thing anybody has said to me I'm a long time. This hurts but you guys have been a huge help!
qinboxmail Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Hi, I have a question. I have been broken up with my ex for exactly 7 weeks. I have followed the no contact rule to a T. However occasionally I get these thoughts in my head about her being with other guys and enjoying it. This makes me feel like somebody took a red hot fire poker and stabbed me in the stomach with it (graphic I know). I still really care about her, but I respect her decision to live her life the way she wants (even if that means without me). We were really close for nearly two years, I knew things were going downhill for a couple months or so then she suggested ‘taking a break’ I agreed (thinking a little space would be good for our relationship) and we agreed to a week or two, then we would talk and see how we both felt about everything. I really wanted to work things out (and honestly I thought we could/would without too much issue). I thought that we would get back together but after a week and a half, she texted me and said that ‘we should go our separate ways.’ At the time it seemed like she had already made up her mind. Knowing I was powerless to do anything I simply agreed and we broke up, via text messages. I did the usual block myself off of Facebook, delete her number, emails, texts, etc. When things were good between us they were really great we talked about getting married, kids, a dog, etc. Even her parents were beginning to discuss (with her) where we would register. My question is how could she just walk away without even looking back after nearly two years? In the first couple weeks (of the breakup), I was at a buddies place picked up his iPad, went on his Facebook (he’s friends with her too) and I saw pictures of her looking she was having the time of her life. I have been wondering was this all just an illusion? Was she ‘playing me’ the whole time? Is this just an immature reaction to a problem, and she is simply running away from it? I cannot get this out of my head, I wish I could just forget about it and move on. Hey J0N. Your situation was exactly how my ex treated me. However mine is worser. It was 3 years relationship. She ended like I'm nothing. Anyway, you should start seeing new girls. Think about it. Why do you care about someone who doesn't give a **** for you ?
Rap17 Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Hey mate, you did the right thing with FB. Im in a situation where I got some kind of closure with my ex and we ended up parting peacefully, but I did keep the door open if she needed someone to confide in, (she has serious emotional issues from her past), so she is free to contact me if she needs me to be there for her, if things get rough. That in turn has made it practically impossible to defriend her on FB, and each time I see her posting a new picture, looking gorgeous, and having multiple men comment it, its like being hit by a baseball bat in the heart region. Trust me, FB is BAD! Be glad you made the right choice my friend.
Author J0N Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 I know for some people FB is no big deal, but for me it was a constant news feed about her life. I wasn't stalking her, I hadn't even logged on in over 5 weeks, but it was always in the back of my head bothering me. Now that I have removed her I feel like I can finally turn the page. I would suggest that anyone in a similar situation do the same.
Author J0N Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 Actually seeing her profile one last time before I blocked her was probably not the best idea. I sort of feel like we just broke up, but I have been through this before and I know that this feeling will pass. I just keep getting this re-curring thought that she is really no longer a part of my life. Makes me sort of sad, I also hate the fact that probably 50% of the pictures on my computer are of us together. Breaking up really really sucks.
january2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 It does. But you will get through it. Time really does make it better, especially when you maintain NC.
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