Distant78 Posted December 16, 2010 Posted December 16, 2010 Hence the thought that an affair isn't a mistake...it is a series of choices. "I cheated...but somebody did something wrong to me first" Playground mentality. NO one can make you do what you don't want to do in your heart. You feed those feelings for OM, not your husband. By your rationale all of us who were emotionally neglected could blame our spouses if we choose to cheat. Your error wasn't in caring too much for another man...but entertaining the ideas of loving another man while married. You fed those feelings, you added fuel to the fair. Yes, it is a mess...one that is going to cause a lot more issues before all is said and done. Oh yes. Infidelity is a stain that will never go away.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 This is NOT a "forum for betrayed spouses". It is a forum about infidelity, and WSs are to be welcomed here too. Read the forum rules. Yep your right...ANYONE can post whatever they want. But NO ONE has to agree or give her the advise she oh so desperately wants to hear!
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Here's what I have learnt so far from this thread, -Cheating is a mistake. -One night stand is a mistake. -A cheater's decision to stay with her husband is not selfish when the only reason for stay is ....OM being a loser. Makes me laugh .... if you think cheating is a mistake in 2010, then probably in 2015 rape will be a mistake, 2020 murder will be a mistake... Exactly!
michaelk Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Yep your right...ANYONE can post whatever they want. But NO ONE has to agree or give her the advise she oh so desperately wants to hear! No, but they DO have to be helpful and respectful (again, per the forum rules), something that seems to be sadly lacking here not just towards the OP, but towards other members of the community as well.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 No, but they DO have to be helpful and respectful (again, per the forum rules), something that seems to be sadly lacking here not just towards the OP, but towards other members of the community as well. Can't take the heat...get outta the kitchen! We are all adults...at least I think we are...so whats the issue?
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 No, but they DO have to be helpful and respectful (again, per the forum rules), something that seems to be sadly lacking here not just towards the OP, but towards other members of the community as well. Oh and please do explain to me what was so helpful and respectful about the situation she got herself in? If you lack SELF respect..its clearly hard for others to show you it as well!
whichwayisup Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 A person usually does not have an A overnight True..It's an ongoing process..A thought, a feeling and then an action. So, instead of making that action, as soon as the thought occurs, why not STOP and go talk to your spouse (general you) and let them know that you (general you) are THIS CLOSE to an affair, in dangerous waters and it's time to sort things out or cut bait and bail for good. But no, it's easier to wander off and make matters worse in the long run, rather than deal with the inkling of wanting to cheat by talking to one's spouse first. That could be a huge wake up call to a marriage in trouble and could save the betrayal, the lies, the mistrust and heartache, pain that an actual affair brings on.
michaelk Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Some great points; however the Infidelity forum is for anybody in an affair situation BS,WS. I think it would be beneficial for BS to see that there are 2 sides to the coin. A person usually does not have an A overnight. Generally there is chronic unhappiness in a MG, that has been going on for a very long time. Then someone else comes along, fills a void the WS did not know they had..in my situation anyways. I am 100% responsible for MY choices, but my HB is responsible for the behavior and mistreatment and neglect that pushed me away. I did not wake up one day and say to myself, hmmm ..I am going to get into an affair today to really screw myself and my family over. That will fix things! No, I just grew to care too much about another man..that was my error. I am now doing all I can to make it right by ending it. Good post, flowergirl. It reads like something I might have written a couple of years back. And at that time, there were BSs who heard my story and talked to me at great length so they could see what the other side of that coin looked like. To try and understand why their WSs did some of the things they did. However, when you're explaining your situation, always remember that it's not an excuse. While you and your H are each responsible for your part in ruining your marriage, this does not excuse the fact that you went outside of the marriage rather than confront your H with your unhappiness. There was another road you could have taken, and while unpleasant it certainly couldn't have been worse than where you've ended up and what you're both about to go through. Own the fact that you're responsible for the depth of the mess you and your family are now in.
michaelk Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 True..It's an ongoing process..A thought, a feeling and then an action. So, instead of making that action, as soon as the thought occurs, why not STOP and go talk to your spouse (general you) and let them know that you (general you) are THIS CLOSE to an affair, in dangerous waters and it's time to sort things out or cut bait and bail for good. But no, it's easier to wander off and make matters worse in the long run, rather than deal with the inkling of wanting to cheat by talking to one's spouse first. That could be a huge wake up call to a marriage in trouble and could save the betrayal, the lies, the mistrust and heartache, pain that an actual affair brings on. Excellent post. Right on the nose.
michaelk Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Oh and please do explain to me what was so helpful and respectful about the situation she got herself in? If you lack SELF respect..its clearly hard for others to show you it as well! That's a complete non-sequitur. She could be as disrespectful in her actions as you want and that doesn't change the rules of the forum. Disrespectful, antagonistic, insulting "help" is no help at all. It is punishing a person for being open enough to come here looking for help, which is what we're ostensibly providing.
woinlove Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Good post, flowergirl. It reads like something I might have written a couple of years back. And at that time, there were BSs who heard my story and talked to me at great length so they could see what the other side of that coin looked like. To try and understand why their WSs did some of the things they did. However, when you're explaining your situation, always remember that it's not an excuse. While you and your H are each responsible for your part in ruining your marriage, this does not excuse the fact that you went outside of the marriage rather than confront your H with your unhappiness. There was another road you could have taken, and while unpleasant it certainly couldn't have been worse than where you've ended up and what you're both about to go through. Own the fact that you're responsible for the depth of the mess you and your family are now in. This is an excellent post. Flowergirl, from your posts it seems that you have not yet accepted responsibility for your actions and consequences. It has been a month since NC and even longer since your husband first discovered your affair. It seems like you have spent a lot of this time with OM in your head and not enough on your actions, your husband, your family. In your various threads, you say you don't regret anything or feel bad about your actions and you idealize OM and say he brought so much good into your life, without seeing the destruction he and your relationship with him also brought into your life. Your family as it was has ended. You ended that, but you still haven't even acknowledged that, never mind thinking about what you will replace it with. You have a lot ahead of you in rebuilding a new family arrangement, which - from what you write - likely will not involve staying married, although it might.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Some great points; however the Infidelity forum is for anybody in an affair situation BS,WS. even though this is true, the majority of people in the infidelity section are the ones betrayed. so when someone comes into a forum and blames their victim and tells a story of continual disrespect of one's spouse...its going to ruffle feathers. as far as the other side of the coin, most BS's don't give a crap about how a cheater tries to justify what they did. I didn't get affection in my marriage, you didn't see me going off and boning other women.
ladydesigner Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 That's a complete non-sequitur. She could be as disrespectful in her actions as you want and that doesn't change the rules of the forum. Disrespectful, antagonistic, insulting "help" is no help at all. It is punishing a person for being open enough to come here looking for help, which is what we're ostensibly providing. I think there should be a larger sticky for this somewhere:laugh:
Distant78 Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 That's a complete non-sequitur. She could be as disrespectful in her actions as you want and that doesn't change the rules of the forum. Disrespectful, antagonistic, insulting "help" is no help at all. It is punishing a person for being open enough to come here looking for help, which is what we're ostensibly providing. Is there a such thing as insulting help? The only reason why WSs think the advice they're receiving is insulting is because they don't want to be told they're wrong for their actions. They don't look for help. They only want validation.
NoLongerSad Posted December 17, 2010 Posted December 17, 2010 Is there a such thing as insulting help? The only reason why WSs think the advice they're receiving is insulting is because they don't want to be told they're wrong for their actions. They don't look for help. They only want validation. More generally, you're describing the "entitlement mentality." Entitled to cheat; entitled to get validation.
Author flowergirl77 Posted December 17, 2010 Author Posted December 17, 2010 Well, I am on here to get help...it HAS been helpful to make me see things clearer, and how what I have done is wrong no matter what my justifications were. I am trying to move past it.
PortuguesePrincess80 Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Well, I am on here to get help...it HAS been helpful to make me see things clearer, and how what I have done is wrong no matter what my justifications were. I am trying to move past it. If you were infact truly trying to move past it...and were REMORSEFUL about it...your 2 thread titles were the least bit convincing. Sounds like your more worried about the OM than your husband! If I were in your position...my thread titles would be...How Can I Try and Make it Right...or How Can My Husband Ever Forgive Me! But they are clearly about some "loser" as you HAVE referred to him as before...and therefore making these threads about your affair...other than moving PAST it and working on your marriage!
wicar1 Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 If you were infact truly trying to move past it...and were REMORSEFUL about it...your 2 thread titles were the least bit convincing. Sounds like your more worried about the OM than your husband! If I were in your position...my thread titles would be...How Can I Try and Make it Right...or How Can My Husband Ever Forgive Me! But they are clearly about some "loser" as you HAVE referred to him as before...and therefore making these threads about your affair...other than moving PAST it and working on your marriage! lol...I agree
pureinheart Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 No, but they DO have to be helpful and respectful (again, per the forum rules), something that seems to be sadly lacking here not just towards the OP, but towards other members of the community as well. Hi MK, I totally agree with you (all of your posts actually)...I don't see respect ever taking place, there is too much insanity...it is really, really sad.
rowell2024 Posted December 18, 2010 Posted December 18, 2010 Hi MK, I totally agree with you (all of your posts actually)...I don't see respect ever taking place, there is too much insanity...it is really, really sad. Considering you and michaelk are both the OW and OM in your relationships with married spouses, it's understandable that you haven't experienced the "insanity" as you call it because you weren't the ones betrayed.
dont-be-naive Posted December 22, 2010 Posted December 22, 2010 Considering you and michaelk are both the OW and OM in your relationships with married spouses, it's understandable that you haven't experienced the "insanity" as you call it because you weren't the ones betrayed. very well said. and it seems that the disrespectful somehow expect respect.
pureinheart Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 (edited) Considering you and michaelk are both the OW and OM in your relationships with married spouses, it's understandable that you haven't experienced the "insanity" as you call it because you weren't the ones betrayed. Hummm, I have been a BS, WS and OW, all former.... I could really care less what part of the triangle he's in, he's a respectful person and makes sense. FTR, just about every person I've been with has cheated, and the only thing on my mind was getting out of the R ASAP. I didn't trip, act crazy, freak out...nothing. I just felt they didn't want me anymore and at that point I felt the same. People have EMR for a reason, each with their own issues as to the why's. My whole life was not wrapped around my H, bf or fiance. I did hurt, although it was short lived because I wanted to live and live life to the fullest...actually the two I'm having the hardest time letting go of are the ones that didn't have an EMR...go figure, I guess it was easier for me to leave if they were with another... Edited December 23, 2010 by pureinheart
Distant78 Posted December 23, 2010 Posted December 23, 2010 Hummm, I have been a BS, WS and OW, all former.... I could really care less what part of the triangle he's in, he's a respectful person and makes sense. FTR, just about every person I've been with has cheated, and the only thing on my mind was getting out of the R ASAP. I didn't trip, act crazy, freak out...nothing. I just felt they didn't want me anymore and at that point I felt the same. People have EMR for a reason, each with their own issues as to the why's. My whole life was not wrapped around my H, bf or fiance. I did hurt, although it was short lived because I wanted to live and live life to the fullest...actually the two I'm having the hardest time letting go of are the ones that didn't have an EMR...go figure, I guess it was easier for me to leave if they were with another... No excuses. You can say he cheated, she cheated, and they cheated but that doesn't mean you follow suit like a little kid. And BTW, cheating does not make one respectful.
whammy Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 (edited) a work affair? how original. Not trying to judge or be mean but its not real. Your not seeing the real him. You see him dressed his best, on top of his game and using his best game on you...you dont even know the real him. This is a "grass is greener" situation if I have ever saw one. He is a little weasel trying to snake his way into someone elses family. you might think hes great. But you probably havent seen him sitting around all weekend watching football in his underwear with socks on the floor and bar b q sauce on his shirt and belching "hey babe will you grab me another beer"...while your kids are at the park playing with the only man that really loves them. Not to mention the respect for you that they will lose (your kids i mean) when they are old enough (if they are not already) to know what happened. actually no...hes proabably your soul mate. you should run off with him. it would be so exciting OMG! Edited January 4, 2011 by whammy
whammy Posted January 4, 2011 Posted January 4, 2011 Yes, I have "felt" out of love for a very long time. The attraction is not there most of the time either. I feel irritated with him actually, most of the time. This was all coming about long before my affair. "this is also a another great example to prove my theory. "you cant be in love with someone you dont want to f*ck"
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