No contact with him is killing me!!!

[flowergirl77]

what she is doing is not a mistake.

 

 

 

 

whats right for her husband is to be free from her and spending what little time he has left on this planet finding someone that won't do this to him.

 

DEXTER: I can see you have some lingering issues from whatever situation you have gone through...I assume you have been betrayed. I would love to hear more about your story...and how it ended. I assume you ran away as fast as you could. Just curious about how you got to be so bitter and angry.I hope I don't ever become like you, so I need to keep working on myself to make sure that does not happen.

[woinlove]

DEXTER: I can see you have some lingering issues from whatever situation you have gone through...I assume you have been betrayed. I would love to hear more about your story...and how it ended. I assume you ran away as fast as you could. Just curious about how you got to be so bitter and angry.I hope I don't ever become like you, so I need to keep working on myself to make sure that does not happen.

 

I don't know if Dexter is bitter. His posts are rather to the point for someone with the perspective that cheating is wrong and people deserve better treatment and should recognize that they deserve better treatment.

 

However, I would think learning not to be bitter if someone cheats on you is the least of your worries right now. Aren't you a lot more worried about how you are going to learn not to treat people like you have been treating your husband? If I were in your shoes, I think that is what would worry me the most.

[Distant78]

DEXTER: I can see you have some lingering issues from whatever situation you have gone through...I assume you have been betrayed. I would love to hear more about your story...and how it ended. I assume you ran away as fast as you could. Just curious about how you got to be so bitter and angry.I hope I don't ever become like you, so I need to keep working on myself to make sure that does not happen.

 

I don't think Dexter is the one that has issues. This is about your marriage right now and letting your husband live a peaceful life. If anything us betrayed spouses keep working on ourselves to never become like you. Just put the marriage out of it's misery. You said yourself you don't feel sorry for what you've done and the damage you caused, that you only married your husband because you had a child with him, and he was a rebound.

[alexandria35]

Wow! As much as I hate cheating, I too am surprised by how hard people are being on the OP. Geez..give her some time to get out of her confusion. She is trying. She didn't have physical relationship with the OM, she quit her job, she established no contact and has been sticking to it and she has been completely honest with her husband. Can we give her some credit for these things at least?

 

Is there such thing as the "affair fog" or isn't there? If there is, then is it so suprising that the OP is uncertain of her feelings right now? Sounds to me like she is taking the steps necessary to distance herself from the EA before she makes any hasty decisions. That sound like rational thinking to me. I'm sure this is very very painful for her husband to go through but the OP has been honest with him about her EA and her feelings. She is not gaslighting him and he has also decided that they should not make a rash decision about ending the marriage. So doesn't he get a say in what he wants? Sounds like the OP and the husband are in mutual agreement to give things time.

[wicar1]

I have given this a lot of thought-and have lost sight of the reasons why I married my HB. Part of it was we had a child together-and it seemed like the next step to take. The reasons why we got together in the first place: I was just out of a 7 year relationship with a very abusive guy-I was raw, hurt,scared, alone and in a very bad place. My HB, by nature is a "rescuer" and swooped in to fix me and my situation (I had a little boy from the previous R) and he fell in love with my son as well. He showered me with love, attention and everything I could ever need-so I went with it.

Yes and this is how you show your love back to him. Trust me, he is regretting his decision now.

 

I realize looking back, we should not have gotten so involved with my being so fresh out of a R with so much turmoil.

Well now it seems a bit too late to realize it. Why havent you thought about it in the last 9 years? You lived 9 years with this guy, had two kids with him.. and finaly when you started cheating on him, you start realizing all these things... (Seriously why do cheaters get these realization once they start cheating... )

 

He had a way of making me feel safe, protected and adored (in the beginning) and I have always patterned going from one relationship into the next because I didn't want to be alone. I see now this is what I was doing with the OM when my MG was falling apart-I am attempting to break this pattern here and now,

OMG... So now he is to be blamed for your cheating....??? You are not alone... in a marriage.. you have a H... you also have 3 kids. How do you feel... alone when you have a H and 3 kids ??? I dont get it. How did a man in the middle of a D, with no proper job or work made you feel safe... more than your H who rescued you from an abusive realtionship, and has been living with you for 9 years ???

 

He's probably staying with you coz he cant afford a D. Sooner or later he will realize staying in a bad marriage is much much worse than facing financial difficulty.

[wicar1]

DEXTER: I can see you have some lingering issues from whatever situation you have gone through...I assume you have been betrayed. I would love to hear more about your story...and how it ended. I assume you ran away as fast as you could. Just curious about how you got to be so bitter and angry.I hope I don't ever become like you, so I need to keep working on myself to make sure that does not happen.

 

Dexter doesnt seem to have an issue.. it is you.

 

- Just curious about how you got to be so bitter and angry.

I dont see him bitter and angry... but I bet your H will be if you keep on hurting him.

 

-I hope I don't ever become like you, so I need to keep working on myself to make sure that does not happen

That made ma laugh.... Look who's talking....

 

You speak about getting rescued by your H from a bad relationship... I apologize if I am wrong.. I think you never wanted to be rescued.

 

Golden Rule #1 > Rescue the right person.

 

No offense.

[flowergirl77]

Wow! As much as I hate cheating, I too am surprised by how hard people are being on the OP. Geez..give her some time to get out of her confusion. She is trying. She didn't have physical relationship with the OM, she quit her job, she established no contact and has been sticking to it and she has been completely honest with her husband. Can we give her some credit for these things at least?

 

Is there such thing as the "affair fog" or isn't there? If there is, then is it so suprising that the OP is uncertain of her feelings right now? Sounds to me like she is taking the steps necessary to distance herself from the EA before she makes any hasty decisions. That sound like rational thinking to me. I'm sure this is very very painful for her husband to go through but the OP has been honest with him about her EA and her feelings. She is not gaslighting him and he has also decided that they should not make a rash decision about ending the marriage. So doesn't he get a say in what he wants? Sounds like the OP and the husband are in mutual agreement to give things time.

 

THANK YOU!!!! Couldn't have worded it better myself.

[flowergirl77]

I can see I came to the wrong place on here. Most of you (with a few exceptions, you know who you are!) are mean, bitter and angry because of your own situations. It must make you feel better to lash out at strangers on a forum who come here trying to get help and advice. At least I am trying to do the right thing here, and I know that in my heart.

[Woggle]

Just because people are not treating you with kid gloves and acting like you are the victim does not mean they are mean and nasty. I am the type that gives to a person straight and if they are messing up I tell them.

[alexa_s]

Is it because you were not happy in the marriage and found solace with a new love? Or is because you are in love?

[Distant78]

It must make you feel better to lash out at strangers on a forum who come here trying to get help and advice. At least I am trying to do the right thing here, and I know that in my heart.

 

Nope. I don't know about the other betrayed spouses but when cheaters come here and tell their story about how badly they hurt their spouse instead of dealing with their marital problems it makes me sad to see such immaturity. You wanted our advice and you got it, but I think you don't like it because it's not validating. If you really wanted to do the right thing you would've never cheated in the first place, but instead talked about the problems or divorced him.

[LifesontheUp]

I've been around this and other similar forums long enough to know that some come here full of remorse about what they have done and others are still very very much in the "fog" and the remorse comes later.

 

I think you are doing the right thing Flowergirl. Continue to keep NC with the OM and work with your husband on your marriage. If you haven't already you should set up MC and IC for yourself.

 

I'm sorry the reply to my question has been broken down in the way it has my intention was to get you thinking. Nobody but you and your husband can know whether your marriage is worth saving Flowergirl, but as you are both willing to work on it, I hope you will both give it time.

[woinlove]

I've been around this and other similar forums long enough to know that some come here full of remorse about what they have done and others are still very very much in the "fog" and the remorse comes later.

 

I think you are doing the right thing Flowergirl. Continue to keep NC with the OM and work with your husband on your marriage. If you haven't already you should set up MC and IC for yourself.

 

I'm sorry the reply to my question has been broken down in the way it has my intention was to get you thinking. Nobody but you and your husband can know whether your marriage is worth saving Flowergirl, but as you are both willing to work on it, I hope you will both give it time.

 

Is this what you call the "fog" - not being able to feel empathy or feel bad about hurting your spouse? And does remorse always come later? Perhaps some people just don't feel empathy for others.

[LifesontheUp]

Is this what you call the "fog" - not being able to feel empathy or feel bad about hurting your spouse? And does remorse always come later? Perhaps some people just don't feel empathy for others.

 

I agree some people cannot feel empathy to others, however from my experience in RL and online there are waywards who do not feel remorse straight off but come to feel it and realise it at a later date once the "fog" starts to clear.

[ladydesigner]

I agree some people cannot feel empathy to others, however from my experience in RL and online there are waywards who do not feel remorse straight off but come to feel it and realise it at a later date once the "fog" starts to clear.

 

Yes my empathy and remorse came later. I had a revenge affair and did not think I would fall for my XAP. The fog is a very confusing place to be. I feel awful for what I have done. I lowered myself to my H's level. It is a very sh*tty place to be (both WS and BS) I have been both. I think the reason why I didn't have remorse right away because I acted in revenge. Not good.

[Snowflower]

I can see I came to the wrong place on here. Most of you (with a few exceptions, you know who you are!) are mean, bitter and angry because of your own situations. It must make you feel better to lash out at strangers on a forum who come here trying to get help and advice. At least I am trying to do the right thing here, and I know that in my heart.

 

flowergirl, you nailed it! I haven't read all of this thread because I see it has gone the usual way with certain posters projecting their feelings about what happened to them onto you. I'm so sorry you have to endure this when you came looking for help. Tough love is one thing and some of the harsher posters can do it well. Others just use this forum as their emotional outlet for their own disappointments.

 

Don't feel like you have to defend yourself to anyone here. If someone says something that you feel is out of line, ignore them if you wish or report them. There is also the wonderful "ignore" button if you wish to block messages from certain members who are being especially cruel.

 

Anyway, hang in there! I hope you finding some of the advice here helpful. If you have any questions about what your BH might be feeling/thinking right now, feel free to ask me!

[michaelk]

flowergirl, you nailed it! I haven't read all of this thread because I see it has gone the usual way with certain posters projecting their feelings about what happened to them onto you. I'm so sorry you have to endure this when you came looking for help. Tough love is one thing and some of the harsher posters can do it well. Others just use this forum as their emotional outlet for their own disappointments.

 

Don't feel like you have to defend yourself to anyone here. If someone says something that you feel is out of line, ignore them if you wish or report them. There is also the wonderful "ignore" button if you wish to block messages from certain members who are being especially cruel.

 

Anyway, hang in there! I hope you finding some of the advice here helpful. If you have any questions about what your BH might be feeling/thinking right now, feel free to ask me!

 

I agree with this 100%. When I came here as a WS a few years back, I had to take a lot of flack from BSs, so I understand where the OP is coming from. There is a kind of "therapy" that takes place here where some BSs not only find help and solace from other BSs, but also attack others they see as surrogates for their own WS. They don't offer help so much as try to work through their own feelings.

 

I make no value judgment on this behavior. Given that these forums are largely open, it is what it is. So I would suggest that flowergirl (or anyone else for that matter) take whatever advice she finds helpful and ignore the rest. After all, the only person who will ever understand your situation 100% is you.

[woinlove]

I agree some people cannot feel empathy to others, however from my experience in RL and online there are waywards who do not feel remorse straight off but come to feel it and realise it at a later date once the "fog" starts to clear.

 

Maybe some kind of coping mechanism so they don't have to acknowledge the pain they cause others.

 

Flowergirl, I suspect people are responding to your stated inability to show empathy for someone who is hurting. I tend to stay away from people who can't show empathy. Personally, I find it reassuring that people would react negatively to a lack of empathy, but I can understand why you would find it hard to take. However, I hope as Lifes suggests, this is just temporary and you are able to think of the feelings of others soon.

[Dexter Morgan]

DEXTER: I can see you have some lingering issues from whatever situation you have gone through...I assume you have been betrayed. I would love to hear more about your story...and how it ended. I assume you ran away as fast as you could.

 

you bet, life with a cheater is no life at all

 

 

Just curious about how you got to be so bitter and angry.I hope I don't ever become like you

 

why would you, you are the cheater. you weren't the one effed over, but the one that effed over your husband.

 

oh, and nice try pumpkin:cool:

[fooled once]

Most of what I have gotten on here is a whole crap load of insults to my character. I know I deserve, and maybe even needed some of what I have gotten. Here are some of my replies:

1) For those of you who tell me to leave my HB: I was going to, but he wants to give it time. We are both dealing with our part in this mess: and yes I am looking at myself and all of the things I have done, and want to see if WE can fix this. I have 3 children and want to show them that being human= making mistakes. Learning from and trying to correct them is what shows true character. I do not want to walk away if there is even a shred of hope we can save our MG.

 

2) I have no reason to lie on a forum! I DID NOT DO ANYTHING SEXUAL WITH THE OM!!

See my post above in response to the previous comment.

 

3) All of the harsh criticism has been a wee bit hard to take, but I also know that I am only known for what I have written on this thread-nobody knows who I really am, and how hard I have struggled with this situation. I have made efforts to distance myself from the OM on many occasions. I have left my job to get away from him. I have not contacted him in over 3 weeks. I am allowing this time for us to heal and see where it leads us within our MG.

I also think that all of these perspectives has made me see things differently-and how wrong it was to get mixed up emotionally with another man. I have a lot of work to do on myself-so for the comments that hit home and kept me from getting back into it again during this difficult time-thank you.

 

a one night stand is a mistake. Continuing to seek the attention of someone who is not your spouse is not a mistake - it is a calculated move. Please do not confuse the two. You show very little OWNERSHIP in what you have done. You call your H abusive, but you do not see that YOU have shown abusive tendancies in having an affair - sexual or not - with someone else.

 

OWN what YOU did.

 

OWN your behavior.

 

It has been 4 weeks - so either you are done or you are not - and I don't think you are. I think you want the security of a marriage, but not with your H. The OM doesn't have any security to offer you right now, since his wife has kicked him out.

 

OWN your behavior and your feelings. NO ONE can "make" you cheat. That is on you.

 

So like someone said, poo or get off the pot. Make a decision. Stop dragging it out. If you don't think your kids know what is going on, you are mistaken. Don't portray yourself as a victim of a mistake. That isn't the case. Your kids don't deserve to live in a home filled with tension and misery. That isn't fair to them. Better for them to see their parents apart and happy than together and miserable. I know - I have a son who had to live with it until I chose to divorce my ex (his father). There was no cheating, but I can tell you my son THRIVED after my ex moved out. He is an adult and on his own now and doing very well.

 

I can see I came to the wrong place on here. Most of you (with a few exceptions, you know who you are!) are mean, bitter and angry because of your own situations. It must make you feel better to lash out at strangers on a forum who come here trying to get help and advice. At least I am trying to do the right thing here, and I know that in my heart.

 

Here come the words "bitter". Why oh why do people throw that word out when they don't like what others say?

 

People are blunt, people are cheerleaders, people have opinions. You may not like the posts because they are 'true' - your behavior is what people are commenting on. NOT you as a person. There is a difference.

 

But to post how you are desperately missing someone you cheated on your spouse with in a forum for betrayed spouses isn't really going to win you friends.

 

Good luck and I hope you make a decision ... and soon. It sounds like your marriage is over with, but you are too scared to end it.

[Distant78]

A one night stand is not a mistake either. You still know what you're doing even if it's just one night.

[michaelk]

But to post how you are desperately missing someone you cheated on your spouse with in a forum for betrayed spouses isn't really going to win you friends.

 

This is NOT a "forum for betrayed spouses". It is a forum about infidelity, and WSs are to be welcomed here too. Read the forum rules.

[wicar1]

Here's what I have learnt so far from this thread,

 

-Cheating is a mistake.

-One night stand is a mistake.

-A cheater's decision to stay with her husband is not selfish when the only reason for stay is ....OM being a loser.

 

Makes me laugh ....

 

if you think cheating is a mistake in 2010, then probably in 2015 rape will be a mistake, 2020 murder will be a mistake...

[flowergirl77]

a one night stand is a mistake. Continuing to seek the attention of someone who is not your spouse is not a mistake - it is a calculated move. Please do not confuse the two. You show very little OWNERSHIP in what you have done. You call your H abusive, but you do not see that YOU have shown abusive tendancies in having an affair - sexual or not - with someone else.

 

OWN what YOU did.

 

OWN your behavior.

 

It has been 4 weeks - so either you are done or you are not - and I don't think you are. I think you want the security of a marriage, but not with your H. The OM doesn't have any security to offer you right now, since his wife has kicked him out.

 

OWN your behavior and your feelings. NO ONE can "make" you cheat. That is on you.

 

So like someone said, poo or get off the pot. Make a decision. Stop dragging it out. If you don't think your kids know what is going on, you are mistaken. Don't portray yourself as a victim of a mistake. That isn't the case. Your kids don't deserve to live in a home filled with tension and misery. That isn't fair to them. Better for them to see their parents apart and happy than together and miserable. I know - I have a son who had to live with it until I chose to divorce my ex (his father). There was no cheating, but I can tell you my son THRIVED after my ex moved out. He is an adult and on his own now and doing very well.

 

 

 

Here come the words "bitter". Why oh why do people throw that word out when they don't like what others say?

 

People are blunt, people are cheerleaders, people have opinions. You may not like the posts because they are 'true' - your behavior is what people are commenting on. NOT you as a person. There is a difference.

 

But to post how you are desperately missing someone you cheated on your spouse with in a forum for betrayed spouses isn't really going to win you friends.

 

Good luck and I hope you make a decision ... and soon. It sounds like your marriage is over with, but you are too scared to end it.

 

Some great points; however the Infidelity forum is for anybody in an affair situation BS,WS. I think it would be beneficial for BS to see that there are 2 sides to the coin. A person usually does not have an A overnight. Generally there is chronic unhappiness in a MG, that has been going on for a very long time. Then someone else comes along, fills a void the WS did not know they had..in my situation anyways. I am 100% responsible for MY choices, but my HB is responsible for the behavior and mistreatment and neglect that pushed me away. I did not wake up one day and say to myself, hmmm ..I am going to get into an affair today to really screw myself and my family over. That will fix things! No, I just grew to care too much about another man..that was my error. I am now doing all I can to make it right by ending it.

[bentnotbroken]

Some great points; however the Infidelity forum is for anybody in an affair situation BS,WS. I think it would be beneficial for BS to see that there are 2 sides to the coin. A person usually does not have an A overnight. Generally there is chronic unhappiness in a MG, that has been going on for a very long time. Then someone else comes along, fills a void the WS did not know they had..in my situation anyways. I am 100% responsible for MY choices, but my HB is responsible for the behavior and mistreatment and neglect that pushed me away. I did not wake up one day and say to myself, hmmm ..I am going to get into an affair today to really screw myself and my family over. That will fix things! No, I just grew to care too much about another man..that was my error. I am now doing all I can to make it right by ending it.

 

 

Hence the thought that an affair isn't a mistake...it is a series of choices. "I cheated...but somebody did something wrong to me first" Playground mentality. NO one can make you do what you don't want to do in your heart. You feed those feelings for OM, not your husband. By your rationale all of us who were emotionally neglected could blame our spouses if we choose to cheat. Your error wasn't in caring too much for another man...but entertaining the ideas of loving another man while married. You fed those feelings, you added fuel to the fair. Yes, it is a mess...one that is going to cause a lot more issues before all is said and done.