No contact with him is killing me!!!

[flowergirl77]

Okay, pour out what you think and feel here about your OM.

DO NOT CONTACT HIM.

 

Reality. He's got no money, out of a job, no home. He isn't someone you would want long term, someone you could grow with, have more kids with, etc.

 

In perspective? Your feelings of attachment towards him and your ego, the withdrawal you're feeling by not seeing or talking to him anymore is taking over.

 

STOP. Take a breath and read the link below. Remember why it's important that you stay in NC mode. Why you've chosen to do this. Your H, your kids, your life as you know it.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/

 

DO NOT contact OM. He hasn't contacted you, for his own reasons and as well as respecting your wishes. Don't try to wonder or figure out what is going on in his head. Focus on you and your own grieving. He isn't in your life anymore.

 

Holy crap...I read this link and it is great stuff..I even laughed a few times! Thanks for the encouragement. I feel you are the voice of reason I am searching for. I just keep thinking about how nice it would be to see him again. I feel bad for chucking him under the bus, and ending things this way. I know how wrong this is...but it is my reality, unfortunately.

[2010_Sorry]

Flowergirl. I was exactly where you are 2 years ago. I really thought that I was falling in love with the OM, and I had convinced myself that I never loved my HB. We had two young children together, but for some reason the OM seemed to "understand" me, in a way that my HB didn't. I didn't want to leave my husband, but I didn't want to give up the OM either. We kept going around and around for 8 months before my HB finally asked me to leave.

 

You are doing a great thing by avoiding the OM, to clear your head. It was something that I was never able to do. The first few weeks are the hardest.

 

Realize that this OM has his own set of issues. They aren't so easy to see right now because you aren't living together. The reality of life with him isn't so clear, but you have seen what it is like to live with your HB.

 

To let you know, I left my house to have a relationship with OM. We were together for 18 months before I realized that the OM was NOT what I wanted. Unfortunately, my HB has since divorced me and is not too keen on the idea of reconciliation. It has been a very hard, tough road....

 

Try to focus on the positive things in your marriage today. Do not compare HB to OM. Spend quality time with HB and have neither of you bring up the subject of OM. Do not be intimate until you are ready.... take it slow and NEVER reach out to OM again.

 

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

Holy crap...I read this link and it is great stuff..I even laughed a few times! Thanks for the encouragement. I feel you are the voice of reason I am searching for. I just keep thinking about how nice it would be to see him again. I feel bad for chucking him under the bus, and ending things this way. I know how wrong this is...but it is my reality, unfortunately.

 

That is ego talking! Ego is bad guy..Remember that!

 

Glad you liked the thread. No foolin' was quite a character, it's a shame he's not around anymore.

[flowergirl77]

Flowergirl. I was exactly where you are 2 years ago. I really thought that I was falling in love with the OM, and I had convinced myself that I never loved my HB. We had two young children together, but for some reason the OM seemed to "understand" me, in a way that my HB didn't. I didn't want to leave my husband, but I didn't want to give up the OM either. We kept going around and around for 8 months before my HB finally asked me to leave.

 

You are doing a great thing by avoiding the OM, to clear your head. It was something that I was never able to do. The first few weeks are the hardest.

 

Realize that this OM has his own set of issues. They aren't so easy to see right now because you aren't living together. The reality of life with him isn't so clear, but you have seen what it is like to live with your HB.

 

To let you know, I left my house to have a relationship with OM. We were together for 18 months before I realized that the OM was NOT what I wanted. Unfortunately, my HB has since divorced me and is not too keen on the idea of reconciliation. It has been a very hard, tough road....

 

Try to focus on the positive things in your marriage today. Do not compare HB to OM. Spend quality time with HB and have neither of you bring up the subject of OM. Do not be intimate until you are ready.... take it slow and NEVER reach out to OM again.

 

Good luck.

 

Wow...I am sorry to hear your story did not end happily. I keep reading that relationships born from an affair rarely last. I need to hear more stories like this one when I feel like seeing him. Interesting that you say your ex HB is not interested in reconciliation-I take it you have some regrets there? Do you wish you could have your HB back again? Or was the MG not something you would want in your life again. My confusion lies in my feelings of my MG being over, and I realize my affair "fog" may have something to do with making my MG seem hopeless right now.

[Bryanp]

Maybe you should ask yourself what kind of a man who is still married tries to get involved with another married woman and attempts to pursue sex with her? He does not sound very special to me. You understand you will get hurt by all of this in the end. Someone previously said this to you and it is so true: If they cheat with you, they will eventually cheat on you. Good luck.

[flowergirl77]

Yup-I have thought of this many times..logically it makes no sense. Being on this forum over the last few days has been a HUGE wake up call for me..I know what I must do. stay off the dark path and go toward the light.

[Green]

A) your affair didn't wake your husband up to anything it only complicated the situation... if you had just started seriously talking or threatned to leave him honestly without something on the side that woud have been the talk you needed.

 

B) after 9 years and 3 kids you would have probably gone through some tough times with the other guy. I don't know of monogomy is necesarily the way to go but HONESTY always is and you've been lying to yourself and others like your husband.

 

C) its great that you only had an emotional affair but I myself am doubting if you didn't Kiss or touch or maybe do something sexual (hand job, bj, him fingering you or touching you) that you don't consider sex. cmon you must have held eachother? But I do believe you didn't have vaginal sex as why would you lie here... but I doubt your husband fully knows what to believe as his trust in you is probably gone... although I'm sure it is a comfort (a small one) to hear you didn't do anything physical even if he only half believes it now.

 

D) Your husband and you really might not be fixable... but you need to do the nc and cut all ties with this other man. THE OTHER MAN is 100% true. The OTHER man knew your situation and took advantage of you at your weakest time. Think of yourself as Adams Eve being seduced by the serpant aka the devil to eat the apple. Yes you need to take responsiblity for what you did but don't forget to blame the other guy too. Once you are over this guy if you want to get a divorce then so be it... heck you may be forced into a divorce if your husband doesn't regain his trust... but basicaly you'll have a shot at a second chance either way. And if you sadly do end up divorced you MUST NEVER CONTACT THIS MAN AGAIN start your new relationship with some one you meet HONESTlY.

[Distant78]

Just let your husband go so he can find someone better because you're wasting his time by dragging him along with your selfishness.

[LifesontheUp]

Flowergirl - why did you marry your husband?

[Pipeline010]

i hope i don't come through nonconstructive. i really want to help your husband.

 

#1 - I don't believe that you haven't done anything physical.

 

#2 - Talking to your co-workers about what the OM has been asking about you is NOT NC!!!! DO you understand the goal here? The goal is to get this FARKING ARSEWIPE out of your head! He is POISON! HE IS A DEMON! He has taken advantage of you! He is escaping his own personal hell that HE created to live in some dream world with you.

 

#3 - Sh*t or get of the pot.

 

Coming here is a wonderful step in the right direction. You are reaching out for help, and that shows at least some sense of character.

 

BUT, from your words you are deep in fog and have yet to care for your husband in any way. You are still only loving yourself.

 

Your husband DOES love you and has cared for you. Look at your home, your children, your electricity, your food, your car, your phone, your makeup, your clothes, your standing in the world. You and your husband built all that together.

 

If your husband has taken you for granted in a way you don't feel is acceptable then it is your duty as his wife to tell him, in WHATEVER way gets the message thru his thick skull (note: men have thick skulls), that you deserve better. Go stay with your parents for a day a week a month. Send him a letter. Break all the dishes. Light his ties on fire in the yard. Pitching wedge through the plasma tv. WHATEVER.

 

But ready: AN AFFAIR IS NOT JUSTIFIABLE IN ANY WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE DID NOT CAUSE THIS MESS, YOU DID!!!!! GET OVER YOURSELF!!!! HE DID NOT SEND YOU TO THE ARMS OF ANOTHER MAN!!!! YOU FAILED AS A WIFE!!!!

 

YOU FAILED, not him. You failed when you left for another man. Your husband loves you enough to put up with this ****. YOU need to love him enough to get off your ass, pack a bag, and gtfo of the house. He doesn't deserve what you are putting him through right now. G.T.F.O. NOW. Because you DO love him (your husband). Because you are NOT selfish, GTFO.

 

You are BOTH responsible for allowing your marriage to get sad. It is fixable, 1000%. But not while you blame your husband for your affair and call it a 'wake-up call.' Honestly, call a friend over to slap your face for that comment.

 

You have stabbed your husband in the chest. He is bleeding on your floor. The knife is in your hand. And you're confidently saying he deserved this.

 

Go attempt to have a life with this OM. Live in blissful freedom without the excitement of sneaking and slutty-style WB tv-hijinks. In 48 hours when you realize what you've done your head will be completely clear. THEN what will happen is you will be forced to beg to be let back into the life that you love. And you will love it again, believe me. You will remember.

 

The question is, will that life let you back in? That is what you are afraid of. So don't spout that you hated your life so much. If you did you'd leave. If you love your husband, you'd also leave.

 

So go. Watch what happens with this OM you can't get out of your head. This man is a villain, and everyone here knows it.

 

LOVE is not simply attention. Love is taking the garbage out. Love is a job that you hate. Love is shaping a place in the world for someone. Because the reality is, YOU ARE NOT THE WORLD. This OM may make you feel like you are but, as in all relationships, that fallacy will end. Then you'll be left wondering how this new OM turd will shape any place for you in the world with no moral fiber of his own with which to do so.

 

My advice: GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE and leave your husband to heal. He doesn't need you.

[flowergirl77]

A) your affair didn't wake your husband up to anything it only complicated the situation... if you had just started seriously talking or threatned to leave him honestly without something on the side that woud have been the talk you needed.

 

B) after 9 years and 3 kids you would have probably gone through some tough times with the other guy. I don't know of monogomy is necesarily the way to go but HONESTY always is and you've been lying to yourself and others like your husband.

 

C) its great that you only had an emotional affair but I myself am doubting if you didn't Kiss or touch or maybe do something sexual (hand job, bj, him fingering you or touching you) that you don't consider sex. cmon you must have held eachother? But I do believe you didn't have vaginal sex as why would you lie here... but I doubt your husband fully knows what to believe as his trust in you is probably gone... although I'm sure it is a comfort (a small one) to hear you didn't do anything physical even if he only half believes it now.

 

D) Your husband and you really might not be fixable... but you need to do the nc and cut all ties with this other man. THE OTHER MAN is 100% true. The OTHER man knew your situation and took advantage of you at your weakest time. Think of yourself as Adams Eve being seduced by the serpant aka the devil to eat the apple. Yes you need to take responsiblity for what you did but don't forget to blame the other guy too. Once you are over this guy if you want to get a divorce then so be it... heck you may be forced into a divorce if your husband doesn't regain his trust... but basicaly you'll have a shot at a second chance either way. And if you sadly do end up divorced you MUST NEVER CONTACT THIS MAN AGAIN start your new relationship with some one you meet HONESTlY.

 

Green: Thanks for your input-you made some good points...but I DID NOT do anything sexual with the OM. He did hug me on a few occasions (quick, short sweet, nothing lingering), put his hand on my leg when we were sitting beside each other a few times-but we always kept all of our contact in the workplace (I did actually, he always tried to get me to go somewhere with him for drinks, a drive, hotel etc)

The last time we met or spoked (first time meeting outside of work together for drinks) he asked me if he could kiss me-I declined..even though I wanted to!! So nope...nothing happened. I know if easily could have though.

[flowergirl77]

Most of what I have gotten on here is a whole crap load of insults to my character. I know I deserve, and maybe even needed some of what I have gotten. Here are some of my replies:

1) For those of you who tell me to leave my HB: I was going to, but he wants to give it time. We are both dealing with our part in this mess: and yes I am looking at myself and all of the things I have done, and want to see if WE can fix this. I have 3 children and want to show them that being human= making mistakes. Learning from and trying to correct them is what shows true character. I do not want to walk away if there is even a shred of hope we can save our MG.

 

2) I have no reason to lie on a forum! I DID NOT DO ANYTHING SEXUAL WITH THE OM!!

See my post above in response to the previous comment.

 

3) All of the harsh criticism has been a wee bit hard to take, but I also know that I am only known for what I have written on this thread-nobody knows who I really am, and how hard I have struggled with this situation. I have made efforts to distance myself from the OM on many occasions. I have left my job to get away from him. I have not contacted him in over 3 weeks. I am allowing this time for us to heal and see where it leads us within our MG.

I also think that all of these perspectives has made me see things differently-and how wrong it was to get mixed up emotionally with another man. I have a lot of work to do on myself-so for the comments that hit home and kept me from getting back into it again during this difficult time-thank you.

[Distant78]

Most of what I have gotten on here is a whole crap load of insults to my character. I know I deserve, and maybe even needed some of what I have gotten. Here are some of my replies:

1) For those of you who tell me to leave my HB: I was going to, but he wants to give it time. We are both dealing with our part in this mess: and yes I am looking at myself and all of the things I have done, and want to see if WE can fix this. I have 3 children and want to show them that being human= making mistakes. Learning from and trying to correct them is what shows true character. I do not want to walk away if there is even a shred of hope we can save our MG.

 

2) I have no reason to lie on a forum! I DID NOT DO ANYTHING SEXUAL WITH THE OM!!

See my post above in response to the previous comment.

 

3) All of the harsh criticism has been a wee bit hard to take, but I also know that I am only known for what I have written on this thread-nobody knows who I really am, and how hard I have struggled with this situation. I have made efforts to distance myself from the OM on many occasions. I have left my job to get away from him. I have not contacted him in over 3 weeks. I am allowing this time for us to heal and see where it leads us within our MG.

I also think that all of these perspectives has made me see things differently-and how wrong it was to get mixed up emotionally with another man. I have a lot of work to do on myself-so for the comments that hit home and kept me from getting back into it again during this difficult time-thank you.

 

How about you leave him now? Why torture him even more. He's now worrying about whether you're going to get emotionally involved with another man. If you had been in that affair longer, eventually you would've had sex with him. Just because you didn't screw him doesn't minimize your actions. Emotional affairs are just as bad if not worse than a physical one. The fact that you were willing to leave your own husband for someone else outside your marriage screams red alarms.

[LifesontheUp]

Wow some of this is really harsh and I'm a BS myself

 

FLowergirl I did ask previously and am still wondering why did you marry your husband?

 

Have you given that any thought?

[dk.bnz.chi]

what makes the other guy better than your husband? maybe your intrigued by something sexual,since you say that sex wasn't involved yet.

how do you know when being with the other guy isn't going to end up with a similar situation?

man i would so leave your ass,it's not even a question,especially when he told you few times to leave the om alone.

you have no respect for your husband and for yourself

[goodfather1014]

In your case its hard and trust me I should know. If you are fighting to make things work its because you are split down the middle on where you stand. Your main question is what should I do. Flower I am going through something similar. Except Im the husband in this case. I can tell you this. Love is a strong thing in a marriage. No one can tell you or the man you married to leave each other. That is your choice. The only thing I can say is it really worth it to be with another or are just seeking attention and affection. Something your husband may have not realized he was not givng to you. We all make mistakes, we lie to each other, and we fight the fight to love. Your heart maybe confused and you may need to be the one to step back from both your husband and the other man. You must weigh out what each gives to you. What do they offer you. You might be surprised at the results. Let me tell you my story. My wife has cheated on me 3 times and every time I have taken her back. Currently she is actually going to counseling for sexual abuse she suffered when she small. It has haffected her and has just recently come out during our marriage. I have meet her offender. And at the moment she is on medication for depression. She is still married to me and we have two beautiful girls. The man she is with right now is also sick and believes my youngest child is his even though he knows it not his. My wife now talks about ending things with him and focusing on us. I had to be very calm through out the whole situation ons of things happen but through it all I stilled loved her and to this very moment I do. She now realizes that. So dont give up if your husband is a good man and doesnt abuse you and he still there for you even after all this then there must be love there. The true test is what you want.

[Dexter Morgan]

So I go the ultimatum-quit my job, or we get a divorce. So after fighting him on this, I decided to quit my job..hard as it was.

I met with OM one time since then-with the intention to say goodbye. We had such a great time over drinks...either of us wanted it to end.

HB found out we met...went ballistic. I was going to leave the next day to stay with a friend until I found a long term place...but I am still here. I think of leaving everyday. I think of the OM constantly. I have had NC with OM for almost 3 weeks and it is killing me

 

being in your husband's shoes before, I know what kind of hell you are putting him through.

 

do him a favor and leave, set him free from you. Go be with your other man. If it doesn't work out with your OM, thats just tough.

 

you are putting your husband through hell....set him free. you will NEVER be true to him in your mind whether you never cheat again or not, and your husband deserves better than this.

 

 

...I am not sure I can keep it up. I can't imagine never seeing him again...I just can't.

 

and that is the biggest reason to leave your husband so he can find someone true to him. it is not fair for your husband to be married to a woman that will pine for another man.

[Dexter Morgan]

Oh and this OM is NOT younger than me, in fact he is 15 yrs older, and is in the middle of divorcing his wife (not b/c of me) and has no house and no real stable job either.

 

ah, now I know why you won't leave your marriage

[Dexter Morgan]

That's the thing-I do not feel bad or wish it didn't happen.

 

then divorce your husband and set him free from you

 

 

I feel it happened for a reason, things were never going to change without a major wake up call (on his part).

 

 

ya here we go. your affair is your husband's fault:rolleyes:

 

so basically you want to use emotional extortion to get him to change...you feel that he should have the fear of you cheating on him to put him in his place and act exactly how you want.

[Distant78]

Oh believe me Flowergirl. Your affair WAS a wakeup call. It just informed him of your true colors and what type of destruction you're capable of.

[half_ofa_heart]

Most of what I have gotten on here is a whole crap load of insults to my character. I know I deserve, and maybe even needed some of what I have gotten. Here are some of my replies:

1) For those of you who tell me to leave my HB: I was going to, but he wants to give it time. We are both dealing with our part in this mess: and yes I am looking at myself and all of the things I have done, and want to see if WE can fix this. I have 3 children and want to show them that being human= making mistakes. Learning from and trying to correct them is what shows true character. I do not want to walk away if there is even a shred of hope we can save our MG.

 

2) I have no reason to lie on a forum! I DID NOT DO ANYTHING SEXUAL WITH THE OM!!

See my post above in response to the previous comment.

 

3) All of the harsh criticism has been a wee bit hard to take, but I also know that I am only known for what I have written on this thread-nobody knows who I really am, and how hard I have struggled with this situation. I have made efforts to distance myself from the OM on many occasions. I have left my job to get away from him. I have not contacted him in over 3 weeks. I am allowing this time for us to heal and see where it leads us within our MG.

I also think that all of these perspectives has made me see things differently-and how wrong it was to get mixed up emotionally with another man. I have a lot of work to do on myself-so for the comments that hit home and kept me from getting back into it again during this difficult time-thank you.

 

Flowergirl, I am sorry that you are going thru all this anxiety and mostly for all the abuse you're getting from this forum. No matter what we do in life, we are all human and make mistakes along the way. Passing judgement and putting others down when they are confused - doesn't help anyone. Just try and weed thru the insults and take the advice to help you get to the decision that is right for you AND your H.

[flowergirl77]

Wow some of this is really harsh and I'm a BS myself

 

FLowergirl I did ask previously and am still wondering why did you marry your husband?

 

Have you given that any thought?

 

Yeah-I am asking myself why I am subjecting myself to this, but I have learned a few lessons from some who have posted with good intentions! So I keep looking for more guidance.

 

I have given this a lot of thought-and have lost sight of the reasons why I married my HB. Part of it was we had a child together-and it seemed like the next step to take. The reasons why we got together in the first place: I was just out of a 7 year relationship with a very abusive guy-I was raw, hurt,scared, alone and in a very bad place. My HB, by nature is a "rescuer" and swooped in to fix me and my situation (I had a little boy from the previous R) and he fell in love with my son as well. He showered me with love, attention and everything I could ever need-so I went with it. I realize looking back, we should not have gotten so involved with my being so fresh out of a R with so much turmoil. He had a way of making me feel safe, protected and adored (in the beginning) and I have always patterned going from one relationship into the next because I didn't want to be alone. I see now this is what I was doing with the OM when my MG was falling apart-I am attempting to break this pattern here and now,

[Woggle]

Just leave your husband now because that is the kindest thing. You don't love him so rip the band aid off and let him go. Shoot this marriage in the head instead of letting it die a slow and painful death.

[dk.bnz.chi]

this does make sense. Lifesonup asked a good question.

as long as you can see where your fault was,you should "man" up and stop hurting your husband and leave.

please leave and let him have at least an ounce of dignity,his confidence is probably 0 at this point .

[Dexter Morgan]

Flowergirl, I am sorry that you are going thru all this anxiety and mostly for all the abuse you're getting from this forum. No matter what we do in life, we are all human and make mistakes along the way.

 

what she is doing is not a mistake.

 

 

Passing judgement and putting others down when they are confused - doesn't help anyone. Just try and weed thru the insults and take the advice to help you get to the decision that is right for you AND your H.

 

whats right for her husband is to be free from her and spending what little time he has left on this planet finding someone that won't do this to him.