flowergirl77 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I am new here...married 9 years, 3 kids. I have been involved in and emotional affair for over a year now with a coworker. My HB knows everything, and we are trying to see if we can salvage our marriage, that feels very hopeless for many reasons. I have tried to end it on several occasions, took a LOA at work and tried to maintain distance from OM while at work once I returned...this worked for about 2 weeks until we started to find it impossible to stay away from eachother. I got sucked back into it, and my HB saw the signs and confronted me with it. So I go the ultimatum-quit my job, or we get a divorce. So after fighting him on this, I decided to quit my job..hard as it was. I met with OM one time since then-with the intention to say goodbye. We had such a great time over drinks...either of us wanted it to end. HB found out we met...went ballistic. I was going to leave the next day to stay with a friend until I found a long term place...but I am still here. I think of leaving everyday. I think of the OM constantly. I have had NC with OM for almost 3 weeks and it is killing me...I am not sure I can keep it up. I can't imagine never seeing him again...I just can't. How do I get passed this stage? I am not sure if our MG has any hope-but I don;t want to divorce while still feeling feelings for OM..I know I am not clearheaded right now to make that decision....any advice from those who have BTDT and got free from their affair?
whichwayisup Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 So, losing your kids, your husband, your life as you know it now isn't worth fighting for? Instead you're still sneaking around, unable to suffer and cope with the pain, seek counselling and do EVERYTHING your husband asks of you? Why fight on quitting your job? You are in such an affair fog, it's scary. You're willing to risk everything, for some OM whom you've had an EA with for a year? Go seek some counselling , cut ALL contact with OM, allow yourself to detach from him. You'll be surprised how clear you'll be thinking if you are able to stay away from the OM and fix yourself. OR, just divorce your husband, and do whatever you want. Make a choice one way or another.
YellowShark Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Visualize a set of scales flowergirl77. On one side you have 1) a husband, 2) a home, 3) 3 kids, 4) a job that brought in income. On the other side you have A) the OM. Which has more value - (see: weight) - to you? Sadly it sounds like you're willing to take EVERYTHING off one side of the scale just so you can balance it to be with the OM. That's a terrible sacrifice if you ask me.
Rose1977 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I'm not judging you at all. But have you thought about the emotional pain you are putting your husband and children through? Thy believe you are there trying to fix it when the reality is that from the sound of things, you would drop your marriage in a second if OM promised happily ever after to you. No one can make the decision for you, but I agree that you are not thinking clearly, and you need to distance yourself to be able to make the right decision for you and your family. Never good to make a decision when someone is as confused as you are.
whichwayisup Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Visualize a set of scales flowergirl77. On one side you have 1) a husband, 2) a home, 3) 3 kids, 4) a job that brought in income. On the other side you have A) the OM. Which has more value - (see: weight) - to you? Sadly it sounds like you're willing to take EVERYTHING off one side of the scale just so you can balance it to be with the OM. That's a terrible sacrifice if you ask me. I'll go a step futher with this. ALL PRETEND HERE,, but you see my point?? You separate from your husband, he files for divorce. You have mixed emotions about it all but the excitment and lust you have for your OM takes over.. you go be with your OM. No more sneaking around. you get to know him outside the realm of the affair. You realize things about him that you didn't see before, he isn't as nice and fun as he was during the affair. He has some flaws that make you stop and think. OOPS. I think I may have made a mistake... Your feelings aren't as strong for him as they once were, he doesn't "get" you the way your husband did. You get sick in the middle of the night and ask him to sit with you. He tells you NO, I don't do sick. You see him in a different light.. Slowly realizing that what you based everything on was IN THE MOMENT feelings of love, lust and affair dynamic. You realize that love isn't just about those things, its' more than that. It's an action and a happy one, not a selfish one that messes you up. OOPS, realizing again, made a big bad mistake by leaving my H. You miss him, having the kids all the time (by now he has them most of the time since you're with your OM so much and he went to court to make sure you don't get full custody, and only get child support, NO spousal support) you miss the life you once had. your family try to be undrestanding and supportive but are disappointed in your choices. Need I go on? I hope you wake up and realize you're making a HUGE mistake by allowing this to go on. MAKE a choice, get yourself into therapy.
young&inlove Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Wow. You are so completely blinded by the here and now, its sad really. You married your husband because you loved him right? Then what changed? You got a crush? So your crush immediately becomes more important to you then your husband, kids, job & your life as you once had it? You have a BIG decision to make. Either your life back on track or your OM. Why don’t you try this. Try going on dates with your husband, maybe go on a trip away from the kids, away from thinking about the OM? If you think that’s what you want then prove it. I have a feeling that this OM is younger, has his own place & "all the good/right stuff". Think about it. What would make him not cheat on you? What would make you not cheat on him if you got together? What if you found another OM and he made you melt? Have you weighed the options? Think long and hard of what is worth it to you in your life. Good luck to you.
YellowShark Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 What would make him not cheat on you? As the old saying goes, "If they'll cheat WITH you... they'll cheat ON you."
Author flowergirl77 Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 So to clarify: I have ended contact with the OM and I am making an effort to get over this whole thing. I am in a real mess right now-and came here for some advice and guidance. I have not left for the OM, and if I do leave it will not be for him either. My HB and I have had many other problems leading up to my affair we are trying to work through along with the aftermath of the affair. Everything feels so hopeless and awful-I don't know what to do with myself. I am waiting to see a psychiatrist (my doc referred me b/c I am so depressed right now) and we have dome MG counselling and I have been seeing councellors my whole adult life to work through my "stuff". So that we are doing, and we are reading stacks of books on overcoming affairs, rebuilding marriage and self help material. I am just so lost in the "fog" of my affair, I know I am not thinking clearly.
Author flowergirl77 Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 Oh and this OM is NOT younger than me, in fact he is 15 yrs older, and is in the middle of divorcing his wife (not b/c of me) and has no house and no real stable job either. So as I type this, and when I really thing about it it seems so crazy...but it is the feelings I can't get over. I am trying!!
2sure Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I I am not sure if our MG has any hope-but I don;t want to divorce while still feeling feelings for OM.. So...whether or not your marriage is decided to be hopeless...you dont want to divorce while you still have feelings for OM? Do you think that divorcing while missing your married man would just be too painful for you? You would prefer to divorce after your feelings for OM have faded?
What_Next Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I'll be blunt, you need to leave your husband and let him find someone that will treat him right and not cheat. I am not trying to attack, but you asked for advice and that's it. You show ZERO remorse for what YOU (yes YOU) have done. You need to give him a chance to get out there and find some deserving of his love and devotion; you aren't.
reservoirdog1 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Two questions: but I don;t want to divorce while still feeling feelings for OM.. 1. What does this part mean? 2. How do you feel about your husband? Do you love him? Still attracted to him?
whichwayisup Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Oh and this OM is NOT younger than me, in fact he is 15 yrs older, and is in the middle of divorcing his wife (not b/c of me) and has no house and no real stable job either. So as I type this, and when I really thing about it it seems so crazy...but it is the feelings I can't get over. I am trying!! Good. Now re-read my reply to you, the Let's pretend this happens. Reality check, right? I'm glad that you see he doesn't have much to offer you. Life isn't just about in the heat of the moment feelings and lust, especially when it's on the expense of your husband and family unit. You CAN get over the feelings, you just have to be proactive about it, be strong and be willing to work through the pain, do some accepting and owning of your choices and DO counselling. Fix "you" first and then do MC with your husband.
whichwayisup Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 but I don;t want to divorce while still feeling feelings for OM.. Reading this, to me, means that you DO and ARE aware that what you feel for your OM isn't based on true and growing love. It's a selfish, self serving, behind doors, affair dynamic setting where everything is happy and feels good. Nothing to test you both, just good hot sex and passion, a connection being felt. You aren't 100% sure of divorcing because deep down you probably know that if you actually DID let go of OM, the feelings would fade, but you're scared to, scared to miss those feelings and intensity that you have now, that you won't feel that with your H. You WON'T ever feel that for your H, but what you can feel come back is the love that you had for him feelings that you buried and conviently pushed away and allowed your heart to another man, to come back to what you had with your H. Hope this makes sense to you. Obviously your marriage wasn't bad at all, if it was you would have no problem divorcing. Which means the glue between you and your H is alot stronger than you realize and much more than what you shared with your OM. Your H is a special man, he's allowing you a second chance. Don't blow it!
YellowShark Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Oh and this OM is NOT younger than me, in fact he is 15 yrs older, and is in the middle of divorcing his wife (not b/c of me) and has no house and no real stable job either. So as I type this, and when I really thing about it it seems so crazy...but it is the feelings I can't get over. I am trying!! WOW. Ok then. Visualize a set of scales... On one side you have 1) a husband, 2) a home, 3) 3 kids, 4) a job that brought in income. On the other side you have A) the OM -who is in the middle of a divorce with NO HOME or STABLE JOB. I think it is very clear now which side of the scale has more value to it flowergirl77.
Author flowergirl77 Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 Two questions: 1. What does this part mean? 2. How do you feel about your husband? Do you love him? Still attracted to him? Yes, I have "felt" out of love for a very long time. The attraction is not there most of the time either. I feel irritated with him actually, most of the time. This was all coming about long before my affair.
Author flowergirl77 Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 I I am not sure if our MG has any hope-but I don;t want to divorce while still feeling feelings for OM.. So...whether or not your marriage is decided to be hopeless...you dont want to divorce while you still have feelings for OM? Do you think that divorcing while missing your married man would just be too painful for you? You would prefer to divorce after your feelings for OM have faded? I just don't want to make a decision to divorce while I am still in the middle of my "withdrawal" from my affair. I want to do it with a clear head (if that is what we decide is best) My HB wants to give it time before we make the decision- to give me time to get passed my feelings for the OM. My strong feelings toward wanting to leave (and yes let my HB go because he deserves better) I feel may be made more intense b/c I am still caught up in my feelings for someone else.
Author flowergirl77 Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 I like your perspective WWIU...you are respectful and considerate that we are all human and can get caught in messy situations! I am trying to do the right thing here-and to clarify NOTHING physical ever happened with the OM...strictly emotional. Can't imagine adding sex to this mess...so glad I did not allow that to happen..and it could have gone there with his pursuing me-I always made sure not to put myself in a situation where it COULD happen. Good thing. My MG actually WAS quite bad before my affair-my HB was emotionally abusive and did not treat me nicely at all. My A woke him up big time to seeing his part in this that pushed me away. He is now doing the work to be a good HB and wants to work on our MG. I am just not sure we CAN work through this mess. I wish I could forget about the OM though. I know it is making things worse for everyone involved.
whichwayisup Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Yes, I have "felt" out of love for a very long time. The attraction is not there most of the time either. I feel irritated with him actually, most of the time. This was all coming about long before my affair. Did you ever sit down and talk to your husband about how you were feeling? Or did you keep quiet and hope it would get better? Why did you choose to go outside of your marriage instead of talking and fixing things with your H? Cheating solved nothing, if anything it's caused your H and kids (and you) a whole lot of pain and destroyed the trust and love he had for you once. Using the marriage problems to justify or choose to cheat isn't right. Not saying you're doing this, but you seem MORE upset with losing your OM than you do breaking your H's heart.
whichwayisup Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I like your perspective WWIU...you are respectful and considerate that we are all human and can get caught in messy situations! I am trying to do the right thing here-and to clarify NOTHING physical ever happened with the OM...strictly emotional. Can't imagine adding sex to this mess...so glad I did not allow that to happen..and it could have gone there with his pursuing me-I always made sure not to put myself in a situation where it COULD happen. Good thing. My MG actually WAS quite bad before my affair-my HB was emotionally abusive and did not treat me nicely at all. My A woke him up big time to seeing his part in this that pushed me away. He is now doing the work to be a good HB and wants to work on our MG. I am just not sure we CAN work through this mess. I wish I could forget about the OM though. I know it is making things worse for everyone involved. But how is cheating helped? You say he's abusive, knowing that behaviour, why go and cheat , wouldn't that make him more mad and probably let loose more abuse? You owe it to yourself, your H and to your kids, to the vows you said, to give your marriage the best shot you can to fix things. My words at times can be harsh, sometimes too harsh, but it is coming from a good place. Just would be such a shame to walk away without giving eachother a real chance at making the marriage work. Your H is willing, so it seems and it's woken him up.
Author flowergirl77 Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 Yes WWIU- I spent most of out relationship trying to work through our problems (by myself!!)-HB would always run the other way, say I was making a big deal out of everything, too sensitive etc. He never wanted the intimacy and closeness with me. He didn;t even like talking to me or hanging out with me! He would look at the clock when we were talking keeping an eye on how long he was sitting there! He treated me like I didn't matter for so many years and did not want to work at things, or look at his own behaviors. I was not looking for an AF, I didn't even know what I was missing until I found it with this OM. It was the conversions, the feeling of being friends, laughing together. That was lacking big time, actually non-existent in my MG. I felt lonely for a very long time, a stay at him Mom for many years, and no connection with my HB. Very painful. I found comfort with someone else-and the rest is obvious. Now I am here trying to make sense of it all...where it all went wrong-why I was vulnerable to this OM.
whichwayisup Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 It's good you're being honest. Do you feel bad though that your hurt your H and cheated on him? You don't have to answer that here, something you need to ask yourself. Remorse, guilt, wish it didn't happen.. This stuff you have to go talk to a counsellor, someone who will help guide you along the way so you can decide what you want. Maybe your marriage is over, maybe it's just a new beginning. Just know that 'something' brought your and your H together, have kids etc, so the love may be there just buried and filled with resentment, letting life get in the way.. Both sides not just you.
Author flowergirl77 Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 It's good you're being honest. Do you feel bad though that your hurt your H and cheated on him? You don't have to answer that here, something you need to ask yourself. Remorse, guilt, wish it didn't happen.. This stuff you have to go talk to a counsellor, someone who will help guide you along the way so you can decide what you want. Maybe your marriage is over, maybe it's just a new beginning. Just know that 'something' brought your and your H together, have kids etc, so the love may be there just buried and filled with resentment, letting life get in the way.. Both sides not just you. That's the thing-I do not feel bad or wish it didn't happen. I feel it happened for a reason, things were never going to change without a major wake up call (on his part). I feel I have been hurt deeply for most of our MG and am lacking the empathy to feel his pain, I am so entrenched in my own right now though, I can't feel for him when I am overwhelmed with my own emotions. I know the only answer for now is to not have contact with the OM. That will surely be the end of our MG. I do want to see if we CAN have a new beginning before deciding it is over. I want to give our family this last shot.
Author flowergirl77 Posted December 11, 2010 Author Posted December 11, 2010 So here I sit...Friday night. HB is out of town at a Christmas party-I am home with the kids and fighting the urge to contact the OM. I have spoken to 2 friends over the last 2 days who still work with him (as I said about, I left my job at HB demand) but I have heard from them how he is asking about how I am doing etc...even hearing about this has thrown me for a loop today. He is obviously still wondering about me..and the NC has left things hanging, seemingly unresolved-no closure. I see WHY this has to be, but it is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.He has not contacted me at all, but I am sure he wants to-but knows my HB will flip if he does. I know others think I am nuts-but fact is, I have feelings for someone outside of my marriage that I have become attached to. I am working at separating myself from the whole thing-but it is torture. I feel immense depression and sadness, and don;t know if I can get past this to work on my mess of a MG. It feels so awful right now.
whichwayisup Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 Okay, pour out what you think and feel here about your OM. DO NOT CONTACT HIM. Reality. He's got no money, out of a job, no home. He isn't someone you would want long term, someone you could grow with, have more kids with, etc. In perspective? Your feelings of attachment towards him and your ego, the withdrawal you're feeling by not seeing or talking to him anymore is taking over. STOP. Take a breath and read the link below. Remember why it's important that you stay in NC mode. Why you've chosen to do this. Your H, your kids, your life as you know it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/ DO NOT contact OM. He hasn't contacted you, for his own reasons and as well as respecting your wishes. Don't try to wonder or figure out what is going on in his head. Focus on you and your own grieving. He isn't in your life anymore.
Recommended Posts