ecm Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I've been dating a man who is pretty much as close to perfect (for me) as anyone I've ever met in my entire life! We talk for hours, agree on most things, have agreat time and everything else. ( btw-I already started a thread about this, but there's more to it now, so I don't know if 'm doing the "wrong thing" by starting a new one. If so, I apologize) Here it is. During a recent coversation about our LDR, I asked him if he thinks that maybe he CHOOSES LDRs because he doesn't WANT to be around someone all of the time. He got quiet, told me that was heavy, etc. Last night on the phone, he said I've "ripped off a bandaid". He wants to talk about this with someone (a therapist) bc I've made him think about things that nobody has ever made him think about. On the one had, I am happy that he recognizes there might be a problem. If I didn't recognize it (thanks to Love Shack, btw) and DIDN'T point it out (in other words-open my big mouth), I'm sure our relationship would've come to a hault like his past relationships. It would've been doomed. (event hough he says he is ready to get married, have a family, etc) On the other hand, I think I might have ruined things with him. He told me he was happy-go-lucky, content NOT thinking about the things I've made him think about. I'm not sure which is worse. I wouldn't WANT another failed relationship, but I am so sad to think that my big mouth might have ruined it. I feel like I am always the one who "coaches" men into being a better partner, then they move on to someone else. I guess I would rather be honest and lose someone I care about than NOT offer thoughts that I think could help them. We have both said our feelings are nuts for each other, even last night after all of this. Has anyone been on either side of this "story"? If it were you, would I have ruined it for you by makign you "think"? We are both in our 30s, btw. (I think maybe in my 20s I may have looked at this differently?) Thoughts? Please? I'm struggling with this.
lovebird72 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 First of all, if your relationship falters because of this, it's not your "big mouth" that ruined it. It's his intimacy/relationship issues that ruined it. I understand how it feels to "coach" a man into being a great partner...just to watch him walk away and marry the next girl he meets. That sucks. However, you would feel so much worse if you didn't say anything and the relationship faltered anyway. It's always better to regret doing something even if you fail...than to regret doing nothing and wondering if you could have succeeded. Hopefully, you will find that your concern and your insight into his personality will be just what you guys needed to take your relationship to the next level. Good luck!
Jynxx Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Your boyfriend is an introvert. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myers-Briggs_Type_Indicator#Attitudes:_Extraversion_.28E.29.2FIntroversion_.28I.29 Extraverts recharge and get their energy from spending time with people, while introverts recharge and get their energy from spending time alone. Being an introvert myself, I can say it's very hard to maintain a relationship with a girl who wants to spend alot of time with you for more than a couple of weeks. You just feel drained all the time and as a result start to dislike seeing the person. Most girls don't realise this, and don't think it's a big deal and you should get over it. They also tend to think not wanting to spend time together means you don't love her. But it doesn't. It's definitely a good thing you guys realised this, so you know what traps to avoid.
Author ecm Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 Lovebird- thanks for your thoughts. It helps me to hear I hope you're right re: "next level" Jynxx- I never thought of that as far as how an introvert would feel/ behave in a relationship. Interesting!! Thanks. He definitely is an introvert! Good to know when sometimes it's so hard to give "space"!!
welikeincrowds Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Your boyfriend is an introvert. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myers-Briggs_Type_Indicator#Attitudes:_Extraversion_.28E.29.2FIntroversion_.28I.29 Being an introvert myself, I can say it's very hard to maintain a relationship with a girl who wants to spend alot of time with you for more than a couple of weeks. You just feel drained all the time and as a result start to dislike seeing the person. Most girls don't realise this, and don't think it's a big deal and you should get over it. They also tend to think not wanting to spend time together means you don't love her. But it doesn't. It's definitely a good thing you guys realised this, so you know what traps to avoid. I take it you read your daily horoscope, too? Introversion does not excuse dysfunction. If he needs space it's his position to ask for it, and be aware of his needs. And have you ever heard ? Regardless as to whether its to your taste, it's a decent description of the distinction between "out there" and "in here," which is same distinction through which introversion and extroversion operate. Introverts may need space from time to time, but beyond that universal exception, the true lover is not the drainer, because the introvert sees the lover as "in here".
AverageJoe Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 I am more interested in the "coaches men" into a better partner reference than anything. What do you mean by that? Have you two ever met?
Author ecm Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 I am more interested in the "coaches men" into a better partner reference than anything. What do you mean by that? Have you two ever met? Wow, reading that back, that does sounds kinda bad/ creepy/weird. Whooops. I was trying not to sound too "whoa is me". Yes, we've met. ?? Jeepers. lol. I meant that I feel like sometimes I am the girlfriend before the wife or something. In the past, I've dated jerks who didn't treat me right..people who need fixing. Nothing BAD like abuse or anything, but just didn't treat me right, ya know? I feel like I am a good girlfriend and show them how to treat someone well. Then they end up with someone else (which I am GLAD in the end for the ones who have). This probably sounds goofy. My new guy has his stuff TOGETHER: crazy successful career, smart, good looking, gentleman, responsible, great family, etc. He says he is ready for marriage, kids, etc...then this!!! I just hope I didn't point out these potential issues, only for him to fix them for someone ELSE. That's what I meant by coaches. I didn't express it very well.
Author ecm Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 I take it you read your daily horoscope, too? Introversion does not excuse dysfunction. If he needs space it's his position to ask for it, and be aware of his needs. And have you ever heard ? Regardless as to whether its to your taste, it's a decent description of the distinction between "out there" and "in here," which is same distinction through which introversion and extroversion operate. Introverts may need space from time to time, but beyond that universal exception, the true lover is not the drainer, because the introvert sees the lover as "in here". Thanks! I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, THE SONG. I got teary-eyed. It's not even really teary type song, but the lyrics are beautiful. I'm not going to lie though..I don't get what you're saying about in here and out there. Could you please clarify? I'm no dummy, but I'm confused. ps, I'm a loud mouth/ social butterfly, but I looked up the introvert/extrovert thing. I think I'm both :/. Depends, ya know?
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