hurtfeelings2 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 When my wife says things that upset me and I let her know, her typical response is "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings". To me this means that she thinks I am in the wrong for being upset, that she's done nothing wrong in her opinion. Two examples (of many)\ 1. We were short on money, so instead of sending her a dozen roses in a vase delivered which would have cost $80 I elected so send her a dozen from 1-800-flowers which was around $40 shipped by UPS. I sent them to her office. She came home, slammed the box containing the flowers down on the table and said "You sent me flowers in a box!!" She then left the box unopened on the table all night and threw it away in the morning. When I explained that I was just trying to save money she said "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings" 2. I was in high school in the 60's and still like 60's and 70's music. I decided to copy some of the songs to a CD to listen to in my car. She said something to the effect that most people that liked that music in high school grew up and now they listen to jazz. What I want to know is if she is right, and I just get my feelings hurt too easily, or does this not have anything to do with feelings.
2sure Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Tell her that her responses and outbursts do not hurt your feeling so much as they make you wonder what the hell is wrong with her.
Feelin Frisky Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 What hurt feelings are and what your wife means by it are two different things. To say she mishandled the flower thing would be an understatement. But telling her you were saving money is too honest for your own good. I've sent flowers by that service and they usually come in a vase. You could have blamed on them and acted POed. She was out of line by being so rotten about it--obviously the good will of being and staying on good terms with you is SECONDARY (if that) to her immediate temperment. She showed you contempt. And when a relationship reaches the contempt stage, I'm affraid you've already seen its best days. The other part about the music seems to be more contempt. She's not trying to pursuade you in new directions, she's faulting you for not being inside her head. I know that type all too well and I'll die a single man before I put up with another second of that nonsense. Apparently her saying "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings" is a sarcastic dismissal. Saying one is sorry means nothing--being sorry and showing a lesson learned is all that matters. She doesn't seem to be showing that. I'm affraid you're in a marriage with an incompatible person. But don't feel alone about it--it's playing itself out hundreds of millions of times all over the world as I type. I have two brothers who are married and face the same contemptuous under-current each day too. I think they don't realize that they are aging and you don't live forever. I'm happier just not fighting and being celibate than trading contempt for an occasional sexual release. Word.
TaraMaiden Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 My opinion? She sounds like a selfish cow and isn't in the slightest bit sorry about your feelings. If she really were, she would have asked what prompted you to buy those flowers, instead of throwing a dicky-fit.... And as for the music? She's lying. I love the music of my youth and don't intend to 'upgrade' to anything else, unless I want to.... Jeesh, what is up with her? next time she says she's sorry she's hurt your feelings, ask her to prove it, because talk is cheap.
carhill Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 OP, welcome to LS. Are you currently separated? I ask because another thread was posted by friends of a man who was being emotionally abused in his marriage. I just want to be clear whether that's you or not. FWIW, my exW was 'mean' like that, or, worse, indifferent, like I didn't exist. She never apoligized for anything while we were married, even a patronizing apology like you've apparently experienced. You define when, how and why you 'hurt'. Neither she nor we get to decide that. Own your feelings. You can *choose* how to act on those feelings and how to process them. My sympathies...
Author hurtfeelings2 Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 Are you currently separated? I ask because another thread was posted by friends of a man who was being emotionally abused in his marriage. I just want to be clear whether that's you or not. No, I'm not separated, and that's not me.
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