Frustrated

[Sheeptick]

I have never used a forum before but sharing a problem seems to help.

 

I have been separated from my wife for two months. As usual the problem is communication, we have devoted ourselves to the children and careers without spending any time working on our relationship. The lack of communication has meant we have grown more distant and our relationship is more like friends than husband and wife. Neither of us is happy and we have now built walls around our hearts to protect us from being hurt.

 

The total frustration of the situation had become too much for me so after a series of stupid arguments I decided it was him to sort things out. I left work early so we could have some quiet time before the children came back from school. Initially my wife was very reluctant to talk, but finally she told me how unhappy she was with my aggressive behavior around the house and she told me that she was frightened to be around me. I have never been physically violent to any one but I do have a short fuse especially if I do not get what I want. Then she dropped the bombshell on me 'I want you to leave'. I was totally devastated especially as I never saw it coming.

 

I am confident that neither of us have had a relationship outside the marriage so the only issue could be my behavior. I left the house within a few days of the conversation and moved in with my mother.

 

I have been aware of my aggressive behavior for a number of years but I have never done anything to sort it out. The major problem is that I have suffered from depression for many years and also have a very stressful job. My coping mechanism for handling my job has always been to work hard and I have set very high expectation levels for myself. It seems that I brought these expectation levels into my family relationship and they have had a devastating effect on my marriage.

 

After leaving the house it did not take long for my life to fall apart. After two weeks of frustration, anger and tears, I decided I had to do something to sort out the depression problem. I admitted myself into hospital and spent one month of intensive therapy to help me find, accept and be taught ways to help manage my depression problems. It was one of the most important decisions of my life. Depression is one of the most common and horrible illnesses and although it cannot be 'cured' a lot can be done to help manage it.

 

As the major problem with my marriage had been my unreasonable behavior, I fully expected my wife to accept me back with open arms after I came out of hospital. She did not.

 

My wife has now been diagnosed with depression and has serious issues especially being let down by the men in her life (father and husband). I would not wish depression on anyone as I know how horrible it is and how long it takes to resolve. Fortunately she is getting proper help now.

 

After my therapy, I know the importance of talking and accepting help. Although I have tried to talk to my wife to discuss our problems, she is still very reluctant and will only tell me she doesn't not know what she wants but she does know she doesn't want me back at the moment. I get the usual 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' line.

 

Shortly I will have to move into an apartment and I regard that as the end of the marriage. We cannot afford to run two houses so we will have no choice but to put the family home up for sale.

 

I feel extremely frustrated that I had to leave due to my depression and that I am being punished for not sorting my illness. Now that my wife has the same problem, she has the comfort of being in the family home and being around the children for support. Am I wrong for being so frustrated ?

[bugaha]

I feel the same frustration, I don't think there is anything wrong with it. My situation isn't quite the same as yours (used alcohol as the coping mechanism for my depression). Communication became a huge issue in our household, and we both became extremely distant from each other.

 

I thought my wife would accept our situation now that I've been through months and months of therapy and that wasn't the case. I'm not one qualified to give out advice, but I've used concentrating on getting myself better as opposed to questioning why my wife can’t accept things for how they are now. Seems to get better with time. But I do understand how you’re feeling, completely (I think that’s only natural).