He is moving too fast, how do I stop him without hurting his feelings?

[Daisy88]

My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. I'm from Germany and he is from California. We've known each other and been together for a month and three weeks. Sparks flew from the moment we met but distance was always going to be a factor. We're on the phone a lot but of course it's still frustrating.

 

Here's what I'm worried about. He is insecure, very insecure. He's been in bad relationships where he was used and treated like dirt - and he's the type of guy who goes all-in from moment one. So when he found out his exes were cheating on him or only with him for his money, literally his whole world would crumble because he had made everything in his life about them. He really has been treated badly and I would never, ever, ever hurt him like that. I am crazy about him and I want to build a life with him. However it has left him insecure.

 

And right now he is talking about emigrating to be with me. On the one hand I understand what he means - we have an amazing connection and yes, the distance does hold us back in some respects. On the other hand, we have the rest of our lives! [Edit: we had already discussed that I am very willing to move to him when I get my degree in max a year, which I thought was a great plan and a fair term.] We haven't even known each other for that long. I need to get used to him and having him in my life for a little while longer before I'd be comfortable with either of us giving up everything to be together, no matter how much I believe we'd work out together. I don't want our relationship to be based on sacrifice. Again, we have our whole lives, and I believe we can last that long if we work well on it, and so far we have.

 

However, if I'd tell him that him emigrating at this point would be too much, I know he will take it as rejection. I know I'll hurt his feelings and he'll feel like I don't love him as much as he loves me - I adore him. I really do want to build a life with him. But I'm not the kind of girl who is comfortable with sitting down at the table and going all in on the first round! I don't understand why he's in such a hurry. The fact that he would give up everything - his friends, his family and even the time with his son (from a previous relationship) to be with me scares the living daylight out of me. It's so much pressure! I want us to work out and I think we can but it shouldn't have to be so black and white. He shouldn't have to give up everything for me, because I won't give up everything for him, because I know he loves me and we can be together without being all fatalistic throwing everything else overboard. I don't understand his need for self-sacrifice to be with me.

 

But if I tell him that, and remind him that he used to overfocus on his exes too (which he is well aware of) he will just ask me if that's because I think we might not last.

 

Truth is neither of us know what the future holds. The best relationships sometimes end up in disaster, I'm not saying we will, I'm saying I just don't feel it's healthy to be willing to throw everything else away over one relationship. That's not fair towards the other person (as everyone is human and can make mistakes or end up not being pleasant all the time) and it's not fair towards the self because he should be able to be happy without me. And I know he can't be. And it scares me.

 

And if I bring it up he will just freak out and conclude that I am seeing myself leaving him.

 

How do I deal with this?

Edited December 9, 2010 by Daisy88

[WTRanger]

You've got to tell him. If you don't and he does come over here, the pressure from how you really feel about it will boil over.

 

I think if you say this to him, he'll understand. This is a very loving statement.

 

I need to get used to him and having him in my life for a little while longer before I'd be comfortable with either of us giving up everything to be together, no matter how much I believe we'd work out together. I don't want our relationship to be based on sacrifice. Again, we have our whole lives, and I believe we can last that long if we work well on it, and so far we have.

 

You can't control how he reacts. Just be truthful.

[hoping2heal]

My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. I'm from Germany and he is from California. We've known each other and been together for a month and three weeks. Sparks flew from the moment we met but distance was always going to be a factor. We're on the phone a lot but of course it's still frustrating.

 

Here's what I'm worried about. He is insecure, very insecure. He's been in bad relationships where he was used and treated like dirt - and he's the type of guy who goes all-in from moment one. So when he found out his exes were cheating on him or only with him for his money, literally his whole world would crumble because he had made everything in his life about them. He really has been treated badly and I would never, ever, ever hurt him like that. I am crazy about him and I want to build a life with him. However it has left him insecure.

 

And right now he is talking about emigrating to be with me. On the one hand I understand what he means - we have an amazing connection and yes, the distance does hold us back in some respects. On the other hand, we have the rest of our lives! [Edit: we had already discussed that I am very willing to move to him when I get my degree in max a year, which I thought was a great plan and a fair term.] We haven't even known each other for that long. I need to get used to him and having him in my life for a little while longer before I'd be comfortable with either of us giving up everything to be together, no matter how much I believe we'd work out together. I don't want our relationship to be based on sacrifice. Again, we have our whole lives, and I believe we can last that long if we work well on it, and so far we have.

 

However, if I'd tell him that him emigrating at this point would be too much, I know he will take it as rejection. I know I'll hurt his feelings and he'll feel like I don't love him as much as he loves me - I adore him. I really do want to build a life with him. But I'm not the kind of girl who is comfortable with sitting down at the table and going all in on the first round! I don't understand why he's in such a hurry. The fact that he would give up everything - his friends, his family and even the time with his son (from a previous relationship) to be with me scares the living daylight out of me. It's so much pressure! I want us to work out and I think we can but it shouldn't have to be so black and white. He shouldn't have to give up everything for me, because I won't give up everything for him, because I know he loves me and we can be together without being all fatalistic throwing everything else overboard. I don't understand his need for self-sacrifice to be with me.

 

But if I tell him that, and remind him that he used to overfocus on his exes too (which he is well aware of) he will just ask me if that's because I think we might not last.

 

Truth is neither of us know what the future holds. The best relationships sometimes end up in disaster, I'm not saying we will, I'm saying I just don't feel it's healthy to be willing to throw everything else away over one relationship. That's not fair towards the other person (as everyone is human and can make mistakes or end up not being pleasant all the time) and it's not fair towards the self because he should be able to be happy without me. And I know he can't be. And it scares me.

 

And if I bring it up he will just freak out and conclude that I am seeing myself leaving him.

 

How do I deal with this?

 

Tell him the truth. That you want things to go a bit slower, not because you aren't interested - but you just want things to go at a more steady pace. You have only known eachother for 7 weeks - there's really nothing at all unreasonable about you wanting to say, I'm so into you - but let's slow a few things down here, buddy.

 

Communicate with him and be honest, it does not set a good tone for your relationship if you are to start off feeling like you cannot be honest with eachother. If he can't handle a little bit of reasonable honesty than he shouldn't be in a relationship to begin with. In adult relationships honesty and trust are huge. You have to feel SAFE to tell eachother the truth and not feel like you have to bury the truth to spare the other person's feelings and/or reaction. That is NOT healthy at all, so don't steer your relationship in that direction. It is bad, bad news.

 

That said, until you actually tell him - you honestly don't know how he'll react. If he's serious about you and has his head on straight? He'll get it and understand. It is worrisome that there is so much emphasis on the exes. He may of been treated poorly in the past, but that is simply no excuse to smother you - and believe me that is what will happen if he isn't put in check.

[folieadeux]

Being in an LDR guarantees someone has to make the move at one point or another. Or you may both decide to move somewhere neutral. In either instance, I think what you're feeling right now is totally understandable. To have only known someone for just shy of two months isn't enough time to really get to know anyone that well for either of you to uproot your lives. I'm not one to put a time frame on such things, but I feel that this may be a bit premature to make such a life altering decision for. I think if you explain everything to him honestly he'll understand that this isn't a rejection, but rather a smart thing to do for the both of you to ensure the greatest success in your future. I'd say give it some more time and try to fit in a visit or two if at all feasible in the meantime. It's more than fine to talk about what you would like to see happen down the line, but I'd stay put for right now.

[aisle_seat]

I agree with the others...you've got to be honest with him about how you're feeling. It seems from what you've written and how you've written it you are a caring and empathetic person and hopefully he will understand you want what's best for each of you without feeling rejected. If things go well over the next year and you want to move to CA, he should be thrilled. I know I would be.

 

If he's willing to leave his son, he's got some issues there. As a father I know I could never leave my young child for any woman. He needs to assess his priorities. I hope you can make him understand that.