eltsac Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Hello all, First of all, although I haven't used the site in ages, I want to say thanks for the help a few months back when I really needed it. You guys helped me move on and heal and the power of the people on this site should not go unnoticed. Anyways, enough of the sentimental crap... After all of your advice and a bit of soul searching I finally got to a place where I moved on from my 4 year relationship...only for her to come back. Now the reasons for our breakup was that she just finished uni, was lost and had no direction and needed to find a bit of independence and not always lean on me.. Suffice to say we broke up, she tried it, it didnt work and now she wants me back. We met a couple nights ago just to catch up and she came out with it, I agreed, but we said take it slow, and i want her to have more direction and a bit more strength before we go back into it... So, this is where i need you guys again, anyone else been in a situation of getting back together? Any advice is much appreciated as we both really want it to work, and I think it will, just some experience and help would never go amiss! Cheers.
PegNosePete Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 How long were you apart for? Either of you have anyone else during that time?
swfc_77 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 i'v done this, and it didn't work. we didn't take it slowly though when we got back together because we'd been craving each other for the months we were apart so basically fell back into the old routine, which wasn't a bad routine to be fair. it didn't work for us for many reasons, mainly we were both too young and she was a bit immature. every situation is different but if she left you once then she'll more then likley do it again, who knows she might feel she's missing out again after a month. a year, who knows. Suffice to say we broke up, she tried it, it didnt work and now she wants me back. all that means is she tried being single, independent, free and it didn't work. as though she's come back to whats safe and secure and sorry to say but..... available. i hope it works mate, i really do. you got to ask yourself if you need to change the relationship this time or pick up from where you left off. if it took a lot out of you to get over her the fist time then just think about it before you risk puttin yourself through that sh..it again
TheGrimSweeper Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I think you should tell her to take another month or two apart and if she still feels the same way then try it again but take it really slow and approach it as a new relationship. If your going back into it you want to be sure its cause she wants to be with you, not just cause shes lonely.
Author eltsac Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 We have been apart for 3 1/2 months or so.. I went no contact quite quickly after the relationship to move on, and pretty much did, though obviously I still loved her through it all. Theres still a lot to talk out and resolve, I know this, and I understand that we should take it slow and treat it as fresh a relationship as we can once past mistakes are acknowledged. Thats true though, I do want it because she is wanting me, and not just lonely...
swfc_77 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Thats true though, I do want it because she is wanting me, and not just lonely... how do you know that? really mate you want to be very careful, trust me to get burnt once hurts to get burnt twice stings like a bi..tch. i dont know how you can treat it as a new relationship, you cant just ignore the past. i do believe in second chance's but the way she left you is similar to my situation and i dont think any1 can treat it as a new relationship because your still heading in the same direction as before. the other thing that bugs me is you say that you started to heal, why pass up the oppotunity to start a fresh and move on, your just treading old ground with her. your making yourself available and the old saying goes "something thats ready available, people soon get bored of"
kateandlucy Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Thats true though, I do want it because she is wanting me, and not just lonely... how do you know that? really mate you want to be very careful, trust me to get burnt once hurts to get burnt twice stings like a bi..tch. i dont know how you can treat it as a new relationship, you cant just ignore the past. i do believe in second chance's but the way she left you is similar to my situation and i dont think any1 can treat it as a new relationship because your still heading in the same direction as before. the other thing that bugs me is you say that you started to heal, why pass up the oppotunity to start a fresh and move on, your just treading old ground with her. your making yourself available and the old saying goes "something thats ready available, people soon get bored of" Okay - do you know part of his story that he didn't post in this thread? We don't know the entire situation, and we don't really know the way she left it. I know we're all hurt here, but I think so many people jump right in with the fear-mongering, that OPs sometimes miss out on the rational advice they are looking for. Also, I don't think OP was saying he's 100% sure that she's not back because of lonliness, I think he was saying that he *hopes* she's not. OP - Good for you for acknowledging the possibility that she may just be lonely and coming to LS for advice. I think the advice about telling her to wait a month or two is excellent. Also - let her know that a lot of changes (on both your parts) will be taking place before she really feels like she's in a relationship again. I think if she sees that it will be a long road to that new relationship, she will either embark with you or run. That should let you know what she's in it for. I hope it goes really well!
swfc_77 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Okay before you go playing polo on your high horse im trying to help the guy. and we don't really know the way she left it. Now the reasons for our breakup was that she just finished uni, was lost and had no direction and needed to find a bit of independence and not always lean on me.. Suffice to say we broke up, she tried it, it didnt work and now she wants me back. now does that just not stink of a back up plan, she left him to go onto pastures new, maybe the opportunity didn't come along at the time, i realy do hope im wrong but from past experience its not the case. if she had the urge to move on to different things in life more than likely she will have these urges again. I think so many people jump right in with the fear-mongering im not trying to scare, upset or un-settle the kid, but i'v been through this im just giving my opinion and wonder why he's gotten over it once and is considering going back after he's done the hard work in movin on. Also, I don't think OP was saying he's 100% sure that she's not back because of lonliness, I think he was saying that he *hopes* she's not. my mistake, but my advice to him would be to be very careful because if she is coming back due to lonliness she's not going to understand this now and tell him this, like i'v said why undo the hard work of movin on, to balance it all on this girls decision which are ( in the nicest way ) a little in-consistant from what he's told us about the break up. I think if she sees that it will be a long road to that new relationship, she will either embark with you or run. That should let you know what she's in it for. or run. which puts him back to where he was last time she knew what the relationship was about last time and ran. OP - like i said mate, it looks like you started to move on after the last time you split, just be very careful before you make any decision that could jepodise your progress. personally, imo i would take the chance to move forward and maybe accept friendship for now and let her find herself for real, she might have just got a little lonely or unsure what she wants while being single and naturally wants to go back to what she knows. unless someone is 100% about what they want then why mess around, she's obviously not fully sure or she wouldn't have bailed before. or maybe she has been without you and realised what she lost. but like i said be careful before throwing that progress away. i am so so so sorry if i upset any1 on this thread
Jdw_Icequeen Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Well I definetly think it can work out.. I do agree that you need to treat it like a new relationship.. I am not going to tell you wait a couple months and see cause I don't see the point really in waiting.. Taking things slow definetly.. Just make sure before you do really decide to take things slow that your both in this 100% and its somthing you both truly want.. I'm sure you will figure it out! Good luck!
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