Juzzy Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 hi all, so here's my story, please bear with me, im losing my mind i was 17 and she was 15 when we met and since have spent the most amazing 5 and a half years together. Travelled the world together, our families are practically the same family, but we were still staying in our parents places as we are both students and were against living together until we were done with our studies. over the past 3 months, things got a bit rough between us, just arguing alot and i felt like she was just wanting to spend time with her friends which upset me. at the same time I left for The USA for a conference for 11 days. We were perfect before that and many tears were shed when i left. She had a friend come stay over(who had recently broken up with her BF, and was now on the war path to run me down to the ground in my GF's Mind) during those 11 days. When i got back things were different between us. the next 3 months were edgey but we were still crazy in love. She started to spend more and more time with this same girl, and less time with me, which made us argue. now 1 week ago after i made a complaint about her not wanting to spend some alone time with me, when she wanted us to go for a dinner party with friends, she broke up with me stating that im never going to be happy with her and that im always complaining. i left it and walked out, whilst she was in tears.It has now been 1 week of no contact between us and im dying inside. The past week has made me realize that i suffocated her and only relied on her for my happiness whilst ignoring my friends. I tried to limit her from seeing her friends and i guess it just put way to much pressure on her when she already had her own family problems. I have been in contact with our mutual friend who has been with her alot and has told me she isnt coping and is very depressed and has mentioned she will never find a guy like me. I still havnt heard from her, but i am itching just to meet for coffee to talk. I think her friend has had a huge influence on her decision (my ex is very vulnerable to her ever since school) Please help what do i do, she is honestly my soulmate. one person says contact her, the other says move on:confused:
ShatteredReality Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Sounds like you have no closure. You should talk to her...if there is a chance of reconcilliation you can determine that after you speak with her. Admit your faults and see if she admits hers as well. Discuss what eachOTHER needs from this relationship and from one another and where to go from here. It's not hopeless. Communication is a huge part of love and relationships - even if this relationship doesn't work, if you don't learn the methods to communicate no relationship will be successful. At least this way you can say you tried everything to make it work, and you will have closure at the end of it if it doesn't work. We all hit rough patches, and it's a young relationship, which makes it more difficult. Do not lose hope.
Graceful Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Of course you need to contact her, but you need to prepare what you want to say and be prepared to listen to her, as you have stated, perhaps you have been suffocating her and she rebelled against you for that. You need to have your own IDENTITY with her and not act like you have to be attached at the hip all the time. You're both young and you've already been together five years, she needs to have some time with her friends so she can feel like a FULL person. Think about what you really want to say and what input you would like to hear from her. You have to be 100 percent receptive and not be defensive at all. If she wants space, you say, you understand. If she wants to make plans with her friends, you say fine. If you can find your own activities and learn to have your own peace when you are on your own, you can probably work this out. This is a learning experience for you. I don't think it's necessarily the end, but it has to be handled with maturity (for both of you). I honestly think there is hope, but not without change. If nothing changes, it's just wash, rinse, repeat, if you know what I mean.
Author Juzzy Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 (edited) wow thank you guys for the advice, just an update. I spoke once again to our mutual friend who has been spending alot of time with her the past 4 days, i mentioned whether i should contact her and she advised against it, stating that its too soon and that i need to give her space. but then when do i contact her. she plays a hard game of not contacting me at all just to keep herself from missing me. Just hearing that she is very depressed and "devastated" makes me hurt so much I know what i want to say, yes i do want her back and start all over again, but i dont want her to think im trying to manipulate her. the truth is the past week of being alone has made me realize my faults, and unfortunately it took a kick in the teeth to realize this. i literally just want to speak to her to find out where she is coming from and for me to explain my self and how i intend to correct my mistakes (which she might see as a tactic to get her back) one thing is that she never ever mentioned how she felt if we had a problem, she isnot confrontational and avoids talking about her negative feelings, so instead of infroming me that i may be squashing her, she just jumped to conclusions that this is it. one thing i do regret is that when i left, she mentioned that maybe we can work things out in time, and i said that i dont wanna speak to her ever again, which made her break down. I now regret saying that, thinking it has put her off contacting me. Edited December 10, 2010 by Juzzy
Author Juzzy Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 ok so i mustered up the courage to call her and, after i said hello, there was a pause for 3 seconds and then she hung up. thinking maybe it was a error in connection i tried again to which i recieved no answer... she obviously isnt ready to hear my voice as much as i can gather...im not that hurt actually, rather dissapointed that she is acting like this when she was the dumper, i seem to be taking it better than she is, which really confuses me:confused: so girls what does this now mean? and the way forward?
ShatteredReality Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 She hung up on you? Wow. Umm...Ok. Well I'll admit - telling her you never wanted to speak with her again was a mistake. She's probably very hurt about that. Even if she did dump you - this is a painful process for her too. Speaking from a woman who dumped her long time highschool sweetheart back in the day - it wasn't because I didn't love him anymore - it was because I didn't feel the relationship was going to do either of us any good anymore....I thought we weren't successfully making eachother happy....so it could be something along those lines.... At any rate, most of the time it makes us girls feel good to know we're being pined after and missed....I hate to use the word "chased" but yeah. We like to know some effort is being put forth to get us back or keep us or whatever. You probably shouldn't call her right away...but if you do leave a message saying that you just want to talk to her. Be up front - tell her 5 years is a long time to just throw away. You feel there may be some misunderstandings and hurt feelings involved...that you feel you have some things to apologize for and would just like to talk to her again once more - get everything out in the open and go from there. You know her better than me - you know how she responds to stuff like that. You didn't dump her, but you admit you made mistakes, it takes a strong man to admit them to HER. At any rate, after you call and leave a message - don't call her again for awhile. Tell her you're not going to call. Don't leave anything up to chance or surprize. We girls tend to "read the signs" and search between the lines for what's happening next, if it's our move you need to tell us straight up so we don't second guess ourselves. Let her know you are available to talk to her when she's ready...then give her at least a week before you make any further attempts to contact her. That's all I got for now...keep us posted!
Graceful Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 wow thank you guys for the advice, just an update. I spoke once again to our mutual friend who has been spending alot of time with her the past 4 days, i mentioned whether i should contact her and she advised against it, stating that its too soon and that i need to give her space. but then when do i contact her. she plays a hard game of not contacting me at all just to keep herself from missing me. Just hearing that she is very depressed and "devastated" makes me hurt so much I know what i want to say, yes i do want her back and start all over again, but i dont want her to think im trying to manipulate her. the truth is the past week of being alone has made me realize my faults, and unfortunately it took a kick in the teeth to realize this. i literally just want to speak to her to find out where she is coming from and for me to explain my self and how i intend to correct my mistakes (which she might see as a tactic to get her back) one thing is that she never ever mentioned how she felt if we had a problem, she isnot confrontational and avoids talking about her negative feelings, so instead of infroming me that i may be squashing her, she just jumped to conclusions that this is it. one thing i do regret is that when i left, she mentioned that maybe we can work things out in time, and i said that i dont wanna speak to her ever again, which made her break down. I now regret saying that, thinking it has put her off contacting me. Ok, don't beat yourself up b/c you contacted her, but it was really too soon, way too soon. It is your pain and heartache talking right now, it's only bee a week, nothing has changed. She broke up with you, OK. You owe her nothing. I don't agree that women want to hear from a guy they have broken up with. If someone breaks up with you, what more are you to do? In your case, where it was so abrupt, the main thing you would want to do is at least say a proper goodbye, and if you feel the break up could be a mistake, then speak your peace. But she still sounds very pizzed at you. And if she is being encouraged by that friend to stay away from you, you are clearly at a disadvantage b/c she is not going to budge right now. I cannot emphasize this enough. Leave her alone. If you want to make a call, post here instead or call a friend. But do not contact her. If she is upset that you are not begging or groveling, that is tough for her, and very immature, keep reminding yourself that the break up was her idea. When I have called off a r/l, I was never kidding around. I always meant it. It does not mean I did not feel badly or feel a lot of pain, or miss the guy, but I called it off for a reason. I don't want to harsh on you, but your GF did give you a reason why she broke up with you, so that's what you have to clearly think about and if she is right, then all you can do is see if you can at least contact her to say you are sorry for hurting her, that you have some growing up to do, etc. But that has to wait. It sounds like she is angry with you b/c she attributes the break down of the r/l to be your fault b/c you would not give her space. So give her space, please. If you contact her, it's as though you're saying, see, you're right, I don't give you space!
Author Juzzy Posted December 11, 2010 Author Posted December 11, 2010 ok so, i got a call like from our mutual friend 30 mins after being hung up on by the ex. she phoned me to ask why i had called the ex...i explained myself. ahe went on to tell me that she told me it was a bad idea to call...anyway apparently my ex phoned her immediately after i called to tell her. her reason for hanging up on me was bcause she said she got a fright to hear my voice and nervous, and that was it. Since then i took about 6 hours to write her an email carefully thiking what to say. i apologized for calling her too soon, and went on to explain how i felt, and admitting all my mistakes. i ened off by asking for at leasta reply to the email as out of respect and love, and also hope we can talk about each other feelings in order to get some clarity on the matter...waiting now for the reply on a side note, i stupidly went onto her FB profile and saw one of her "new" friends posts ststing how crazy and out of hand the previous night got and that she hoped she wasnt to hungover in the morning...this really knocked me back, i havnt been able to go out since coz of the pain and she is able to go out and get smashed as usual
Capital P Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 So you were told not to call so you sent an email??? listen to what this friend is saying dude before you **** this up completely that was a BAD move
ShatteredReality Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 Ppl get smashed for all kinds of reasons - don't think that just cause she went out and got herself a pretty hangover she was all happy and giddy - she should have been drinking to cover the pain. Did she respond to the e-mail? Do not contact her again at this point though - esp if she didn't respond. Don't visit her FB. Now is a good time to put NC into effect and leave her alone for awhile...she may need to cool off. You got your closure by saying what you needed to say, though, and if she doesn't respond, you can accept that as closure also. The relationship isn't entirely doomed...but now it IS entirely in her court.
TheGrimSweeper Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 I dont think you have to worry about her getting hammered, many ppl go out and get smashed with their friends after a relationship ends. Its just an attempt to escape the emotional pain and get your mind off it, but its only temporary.
Author Juzzy Posted December 14, 2010 Author Posted December 14, 2010 so she responded today to my email. essentially she said she isnt ready to see me yet? She did say that although i have admitted my problems, people dont change in a week, and that she wants time to just become independant, since she was very dependant on me. she thanked me for being an awesome boyfriend and how much she does love me. She also said that its been very hard and its only getting worse. She ended it off with a "i truly believe that if people are meant to be together they will be" im not sure why she would mention that. in a way i feel relieved to have finally spoken to her, but it was a real eye opener that she is gone for now, and to make it worse, during the chistmas and new year period. i am feeling better day by day but mornings have got to be the worst, because i dream about her and that we have gotten back together. I know now that i need to just live my life, but what is the way forward how do i go about our current relationship. I hope that with time we canmeet up and a good talk will help us re kindle what we had, but not sure how to go about it, do i contact her at all,if so when? i really believe it isnt over, im not truly convinced, and i am still wanting to get back together with her, just dont know how to
ShatteredReality Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I know now that i need to just live my life, but what is the way forward how do i go about our current relationship. I hope that with time we canmeet up and a good talk will help us re kindle what we had, but not sure how to go about it, do i contact her at all,if so when? i really believe it isnt over, im not truly convinced, and i am still wanting to get back together with her, just dont know how to Do what she told you to do - become independant. Comfortable spending time with yourself. Confident in who you are. Relationships that start at such a young age can be inhibiting in personal growth. You're so busy trying to "grow together" that you may miss something about your individuality you would otherwise see. I honestly think you'll be talking to her within a month, however, don't contact her for a few weeks. I know it's difficult during the holidays...now would be a great time to spend with family if you can. If you can't, maybe attend a few social functions. If you can't do that...take up a new hobby or read a book...something to distract from the lonely parts. And I know getting up may be tough...maybe set your alarm to play music when you wake up instead? Something that makes YOU happy - so when you first hear it you're in a good mood. Not something that reminds you of her. Not something that makes her happy. Take this break and view it as a good thing - a chance for each of you to look at yourselves and be sure you're becoming who you WANT to be, so you don't look back later on and say "maybe if I hadn't tied myself down so young..." Not that you think you would do that - but it's a commong theme among ppl who get married or in very commited relationships when they're young. And before you think I shouldn't talk about something I've only read about - I got married at 19 to a 19yo and we had our first son when I was 20. So I know all about doing it all early - finding the positive side of having done that, and recognizing the opportunities I put off or gave up altogether with my choices. I am one of the lucky ones - I am happy with my decisions - but many people look back with regret. This time apart gives you the chance to really analyze things and make sure you don't do that. When and if you get back together - you want it to be without the burden of wondering what life would have been if you'd taken a different course.
Author Juzzy Posted December 15, 2010 Author Posted December 15, 2010 i appreciate that, thank you. after coming onto this forum i have really learnt alot and im starting to feel that little bit normal everyday. however just a thought about her takes me 2 steps back, so not thinking of her seems to be the only thing i can do. my friends are telling me to go out with other girls and hook up as it will really help forget about her, but to me being in love the way i am, i cant even think of other girls. i dont believe that it would help me but only make me feel guilty
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