Author calliope Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 I've been doing IC for many years whenever I've felt like I needed it. I've been going more frequently over the past 16 months, which says a lot. I was actually there 3 days ago & another apptmt already scheduled Jan 4. I want to repair the damage.
Author calliope Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 and what does your therapist suggest? The apptmt 3 days ago was to help me deal with the fallout over this at work, not really about the A itself. I'm ashamed to say, I've sometimes tried to get him to analyze the MM & his intentions, but he hasn't fallen for it, which is a good thing!! He helps me deal with my moral issues about being here in the first place. He's never told me I'm wrong to be here (which I guess is his job to not judge), but he knows how much I struggle with it. He tries to get me to focus on myself. We've also discussed my breaking point and I know everyone's is different. He's said only I can determine when that is for me....
siuys Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 FWIW, my breaking point came when I started getting severe anxiety attacks and could no longer function like a normal human being (or I felt I couldn't). Then xMM moved back home. So that was the breaking point. It feels all quite OK now since NC but my ongoing challenge is move forward towards indifference - easier said than done.
woinlove Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 calliope, you've received some great advice here and I hope you can take it to heart. I think the addiction of many affairs are connected to both the hit on your self-esteem that hoping2heal discusses and the competition that 2sure discusses. Don't underestimate the competition factor. I don't think saying there is an amazing connection in response to TaraMaiden's question is digging deep enough to understand what keeps you coming back for more.
Author calliope Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 Time will tell for me I guess, but I honestly don't think I'm there yet. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel differently, but I saw him this am so everything is still fresh. I should be able to maintain very LC until Jan hopefully that should help a little.
TaraMaiden Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 ....I don't think saying there is an amazing connection in response to TaraMaiden's question is digging deep enough to understand what keeps you coming back for more. Neither did I, but I didn't want to force the point. "Amazing connection" is barely scratching the surface. I need you (or rather, you need) to keep asking yourself the what and why until you really have no deeper to dig. I think it comes down to self-worth. But I could be wrong. I neither want to misread you or mislead you. Thank you, good whole post, woinlove.
4321sn Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Calliope - I dont think you are ready to listen to this yet, but I am going to tell you anyway. It is something that many OW and some BS come to terms with as they move on from an affair or a marriage broken by infidelity. From your posts you are still of the mind set that you are competing with his wife for him. Pointing out reasons that he should leave her. Comparing you and your relationship to their marriage. Blaming his wife for influencing him, making him unable to decide what is best. You've got to stop that. Until you stop considering those things you are blinded by them from whats really happening. HE IS making decisions. That is VERY insightful...a little off topic but wanted you to know that your comment has made me think. Huge light bulb just turned on for me. How much of it is about him and how much is it about "winning" him? Not in reference to the OP although it may give her something to think about as well...
Author calliope Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 Neither did I, but I didn't want to force the point. "Amazing connection" is barely scratching the surface. I need you (or rather, you need) to keep asking yourself the what and why until you really have no deeper to dig. I think it comes down to self-worth. But I could be wrong. I neither want to misread you or mislead you. Thank you, good whole post, woinlove. To clarify, I never said "amazing" connection, I said "strong emotional" connection. And there's no doubt that it's there. My primary connection to him (and his to me) now is, and always was, friendship/mental/emotional, not physical. It was there long before any physical intimacy ever happened. Even throughout, our sexual encounters averaged less than once a month. We were building the relationship in other ways (and I'm not defending it...) without the physical side being the overwhelming factor. So what's always kept me coming back is how much we enjoy talking, laughing and just simply spending time together. I will miss him for that.
half_ofa_heart Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 To clarify, I never said "amazing" connection, I said "strong emotional" connection. And there's no doubt that it's there. My primary connection to him (and his to me) now is, and always was, friendship/mental/emotional, not physical. It was there long before any physical intimacy ever happened. Even throughout, our sexual encounters averaged less than once a month. We were building the relationship in other ways (and I'm not defending it...) without the physical side being the overwhelming factor. So what's always kept me coming back is how much we enjoy talking, laughing and just simply spending time together. I will miss him for that. WOW Calli, Sounds like an emotional day for you sweetie. You will get thru this and you do deserve better - not to "win him" but better than him. Stay NC and get on here when you're feeling the urge. HUGS HofaH
Author calliope Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 WOW Calli, Sounds like an emotional day for you sweetie. You will get thru this and you do deserve better - not to "win him" but better than him. Stay NC and get on here when you're feeling the urge. HUGS HofaH Thank you HofaH. It has been a very emotional day & I've been having a really hard time dealing with all the thoughts racing through my brain. And I really don't think the competition thing has ever been a factor. Today I just miss my friend....
siuys Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Hang in there, calliope. It's early days so it will hurt for a while. I am hoping like hell there will be NC till at least Feb that gives me two months to recover. I think by then I will be quite far ahead. Fingers crossed. New year, new beginning. Hugs.
Author calliope Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 Thanks siuys - I'll be rooting for you - Hugs.... My goal is 4 mths of LC/NC. When my x left 10 yrs ago I marked each day off on the calendar. One day after 4 mos, I forgot to do it and I knew it really didn't matter anymore. I want to be there. I did have a pretty good sleep last night, but this morning he was gone from my friends list on facebook and my immediate reaction was panic. I wanted to text him & say he really didn't have to do that, etc. I e-mailed a girlfriend instead who's been with me all along throughout this. He removed his whole profile, not just me. I'm sure that's a good thing...
greengoddess Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Thanks siuys - I'll be rooting for you - Hugs.... My goal is 4 mths of LC/NC. When my x left 10 yrs ago I marked each day off on the calendar. One day after 4 mos, I forgot to do it and I knew it really didn't matter anymore. I want to be there. I did have a pretty good sleep last night, but this morning he was gone from my friends list on facebook and my immediate reaction was panic. I wanted to text him & say he really didn't have to do that, etc. I e-mailed a girlfriend instead who's been with me all along throughout this. He removed his whole profile, not just me. I'm sure that's a good thing... Sounds like he is on lockdown.
Author calliope Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 Sounds like he is on lockdown. I'm sure that's what it is. But I know it's a good thing for me because I can't access it. If he was still on other's lists, I know I'd go and look.
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