photojane Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 (edited) He left the house on Sunday for a night and hasn't been back. He called on Tuesday and said he couldn't do this anymore. I havnt spoken to him since. We have been seeing a therapist together and I thought it was going well. I guess I was wrong. We each had separate sessions this week, his was on Tuesday when he called to me he wasn't coming back. We were supposed to have our joint session tonight to talk things out but he said he can't try anymore. I am having a VERY hard time beleiving that after 12 years together, he could leave our entire life without giving it one more go. I know that I sound like a stupid girl for thinking that but I know that he loves me and I cannot believe that this is what he truly wants. I am still going to the session because Lord knows I need help right now. But I desperatly want to get in touch with him and ask him to please come to the session and work with me. I havn't slept in days and don't feel like my decision making skills are best right now and I need help deciding if I should or not. I don't want to get more hurt by him but I am having a hard time just moving on without trying to fight for my marriage. Please help me? Do I ask him? Do I fight for him? I cannot just give up. Edited December 9, 2010 by photojane
Surfer203 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 You have to go to the session.. you need to heal. As far as he goes.. this is all too familiar with what my wife did. At least your spouse had the decency to try to do some therapy. Mine just crapped out and left with out evening letting me know there were problems in our marriage. If he ha made this decision it will be hard to change his mind. I guess you just have to give it time and do not try to sway him into returning it does not work. Let him see what he is missing out on and he will be back one day possibly. If you chase him, you will chase him further away. Good luck.
Author photojane Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 Thanks Surfer. So you say no? I truly do not know how I am not supposed to fight for this.
Surfer203 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I won't tell you what to do - if you like fighting for it then fight! I tried to fight for 1.5 months and it went no where, probably just made the situation worse. Only you know your situation, but you never really know how your actions will affect things.
PegNosePete Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 You can fight all you want, but if he's not prepared to fight too, then you'll lose. If he isn't prepared to put in the effort then it doesn't matter how much you put in, you can't "cover his share". It takes 2 to make a marriage work but only one to end it.
iheartboobs Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 (edited) If he's pulling away from you and you want him back, then pushing yourself on him is the worst possible thing you can do. Have you ever broken up with someone and they won't leave you alone? They're constantly calling or hanging around? They keep bothering your friends or dropping by your work place? If you have, then you know what I'm talking about, if you haven't, then I can assure you that it ain't pretty and the last thing it makes you want to do is take them back. If you want him to want you back, you can't be a crazy, clingy psycho-bitch... and whether it's fair or not, that's exactly what he's going to see you as if you try to initiate any contact. Don't call him. When he calls you, tell him that you think some time apart will be good for you and that you have some things that you need to think about and decide. Take the power away from him. Let him know that it doesn't matter that he left, you're going to be the one to decide if he can come back. Be polite, but firm, and don't let him know that you're hurting even a little bit. Be clear that while you would like the marriage to work out, you have no intention of letting him treat you this way and that he's going to have to work on himself to be the man that you deserve if he wants to stay married. At first, he probably won't care because it's pretty clear that he doesn't want to stay married... but the longer he has to miss you, and the longer you don't call crying and begging him back, and the more powerless he feels the better your chances are at a reconciliation that has a chance to last. Good luck. It's not fun, but, as far as I've seen, it's the only way. He has the upper hand because he left you and you need to take that power back because the person with the upper hand is the one that gets crawled back to, he's not the one that does the crawling. Also, if you do this and he says he wants to come back, tell him you'll think about it and then give it a week or two before you let him. I know you want him back NOW, but if he knows that all he has to do is say "I'm sorry" and then you'll take him back, it's not going to work. First of all, it won't work because people don't value what comes easy, they value what they have to work their asses off for. Second, making coming back a breeze will only incourage this type of behavior in the future. Let him know that there are consequences to his actions. Be strong. Edited December 9, 2010 by iheartboobs
What_Next Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Perhaps a little of the backstory might help. Was there affairs? What was the state of the marriage etc?
carhill Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 The flip-flop on the kids thing could be a push for irreconcilable differences due to outside influence. My bet is he got his feet wet on greener grass. MC/IC can help you. Make use of the foundation you've built there and continue. IME, it will help with clarity of the situation and with accepting his words and behaviors. Minimize direct contact. If he contacts you, advise him of your next counseling session and that he's welcome to join you. Other than that, run silent.
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