I want to win her back...

[theliving]

The Story:

We'd been together for a year now. We met while fencing, becoming friends over about 5 months.

 

So we're dating. Pleasing me was very important to her. This was her first relationship and was somewhat insecure about her sexual ability. I hold her hand through this work through most of her other insecurities as they crop up.

 

As we progress, month 6 or so... we start making serious plans for our future moving in together and such.

 

Problem 1: I don't have a job. And her money goes to supporting her Mother, Mother's boyfriend, and siblings none of whom work. She was looking for me to be the provider initially while she weaned her family off of her income. I found some temp work here and there along with some freelance web work. But nothing near enough. I got depressed about it a bit and honestly stopped looking as hard. Keyword: Complacent.

 

Problem 2: No car. This made seeing trying to see each other stressful.

 

Problem 3: No place to really hang out. We both live with out families. Mine was against the whole thing. And there is no real privacy at her place. This feeds heavily into Problem 1.

 

Problem 4: Stopped being romantic and exciting... Started being over-critical. I have an anxiety about public affection. I didn't feed the side of her that needed to feel wanted. She said she was jealous of other girls and their boyfriends. I felt I was doing enough(wrong) jumping through hoops so we could see each other and have a place to hang. This made me blind to all her complaints of the above. Keywords: Self-absorbed, Self-righteous.

 

 

 

Problem 5: New guys at the job giving her a lot of attention. I'm weary, but not concerned. One guys flakes off early but maintains the friendship. The other is still trying to weasel his way in. I can see it but she can't.

She is not very worldly or self-aware. So I keep pointing it out to her as I become more uncomfortable with it. Then I realize very slowly that she is actually feeding into this to get attention(the basic kind I'm not giving her). She was playing a game trying to flaunt this in my face so I would change(texting him many times while were together and on my birthday). Kept taking my temperature, nagging about job searches, directly telling me the things she wanted from me emotionally. She said I was unable to create an attachment. I was too worried about other stuff in the relationship and my growing discomfort with them to see what was going on.

 

Long story short, I pressed her to tell me how she really felt about us first she said it was good and wanted it to work, but was too weary, so I pressed her more. The next day,she said she got lost in the game she was playing and she didn't know what she wanted anymore. She said I didn't care about the future of our relationship because I wasn't serious about finding a job. I got two more conversations that day, that was my window to say I ****ed up let's rebuild. Still couldn't see it, just kept it casual hoping it would smooth over. Nope. Apparently she talks to him that night telling him she's going to give him a chance.

 

The next day(Tuesday) she drops the bomb. She gave me a choice of phone or in person. I choose phone... I want it over with. Of course I beg and plead. She just says it wouldn't be fair to us with her dragging a third party along. He could be the one or maybe not she doesn't know.

 

After begging

 

Do you love me?: I care for you.

 

What's he got that I don't?: I don't know yet.

 

Can't we still be friends?: I'm not pushing you out of my life.

 

A part of me will always love you. [i know, fairly stupid]: I appreciate that.

 

Her: There's some stuff I need to give back and get from you. So I can I drop it off next week some time? Me: Sure.

 

Wish you two the best. See you when I see you...: *Hurriedly* Well I'm going to call you next week.

 

I felt like when I was being somewhat logical it was actually breaking her down a bit. 'Cause she was actually trying to defend her position. And well... You know when you can tell someone is digging for crap to throw at you? That tone...

 

Strict NC since, but we do have to meet.

 

Today on her FB status: So happy and peaceful... :-)

Our picture gone, but not deleted, with nothing to replace.

 

What do you think? There will be a phone call and then a meeting next week. How should I handle them? I plan to go on a strict no notice NC after that. But I want her to be able to see the changes I'm making in my life because I feel that is crucial to getting her back.

Edited December 9, 2010 by theliving
Title was wrong

[jclipse8]

Definitely have to move on man, she showed too many signs. When a girl doesn't want you anymore, she will let you off "nicely" even though it hurts more than anything. If she does contact you, make yourself busy, even if your not. Give her shtuff and be done. What does he have? Self control, you didn't show it. Never beg, it does the opposite effect. Think of it as a two magnets with both positive ends getting close to each other, they will repel. Forget about her and move on, that's your only hope of her ever acknowledging WITH respect ever. Get stronger, smarter, more desirable and you won't be worrying about her. Sometimes you have to care about yourself also. You learn from your mistakes so you don't repeat them again. Knock her off that pedestal you have her on, and on to the next girl because there is always another girl. Good luck brotha

Edited December 9, 2010 by jclipse8

[theliving]

I didn't know not to beg at the time... It was only as she was telling me about the breakup. Everything I wrote above about it was in the span of an hour.

 

Maybe I'm just stupid, but I feel like I have to try.

 

I think it's just a case of the grass looks greener. She was fed up; tired of waiting. He had is **** together I didn't. It was easy to go to him because he was showing that he was interested. I still don't think she is totally sure.

 

So I've decided that I'm going to turn my pain into a catalyst for propelling me forward. Doing to the things I want and need to do to improve and enhance my life. Some of which are things that we had already planned together. Getting an apartment, more consistent income, trips, new and old hobbies.

 

I want to show her what a good life she's missing out on. Stuff he can't give her......yet. We have the history and the intimacy to start that and be successful. All she was was waiting on was the for me to get the income and we we're ready to roll. I know she hates living at home, but she's stuck out of duty to support them. They don't really respect her as a person. Definitely, not as one who supports them. But, she won't confront them on this no matter how many times I asked her to... She's breaking down there.

 

I want to provide for her a loving and less stressful home, but I failed in that promise to her and myself. I think if I can show her that change she will reconsider. However, honestly the new guy will make things hard if only because she's very sensitive about hurting people's feelings. Even while breaking up with me she tried to hold things back so as not to hurt me.

 

Like I said maybe I'm stupid, but all I can end up with is a better life win or lose. I feel like if I don't try, I won't get past it.

Edited December 9, 2010 by theliving

[DustySaltus]

Unless the problems that led to the breakup in the first place are corrected a second chance will not work. She made the decision and she has to be the one to live with it. Unless she comes back and tells you that she's willing to do whatever it takes to make it work, you have nothing to talk about.

 

She left you at a bad time in your life. You're not the only one at fault here by any means. You want someone in your life that's going to stick by you through thick and thin. Relationships aren't all about the honeymoon period, it's when that ends...the real relationship starts.

 

You have to make yourself happy outside of the relationship. Work on things that will make yourself a better person. Read the links in my signature and remain NC to begin the healing process for yourself. She quit on you. You realized your problems which is the first step. Work on yourself so that when the person you're TRULY supposed to be with comes into your life, you're ready for her.

[swfc_77]

fu.ck her off mate,

 

tx her and say - "can you get my stuff together im sending some1 round for it, they will drop your stuff off" and arrange a time. DO ONLY THIS, DONT GET INTO A CONVERSATION ABOUT ANYTHING WITH HER.

 

dont tell her anything or answer anything apart from questions regarding the stuff you need to exchange.

 

its going to be hard mate, but honestly cut loose while you can and move on.

 

i would be temted to leave my stuff and just drop hers off in a sack at the end of her drive, but thats me.

 

dont check facebook - it hurts

 

dont talk to her about anything - it hurts

 

dont answer her txs or calls, in the long run - it hurts

 

get rid of everything you own together that you have, because looking at those things - hurts

 

sort yourself out now, there's only you to look after. get a job, get some money, get a car, get into the real world.

 

leave this little girl to live in dreamland and be thankful you were not married or have kids.

 

if you dont follow what i'v said above you'll just end up gettin hurt

[homebrew]

Dude,

 

I don't want to sound harsh... but if my sister told me that she was dating you (in your current situation), I would tell her to dump you for her sake and for your own sake.

 

You are a great guy... but you need to put 100% of your time and effort into getting your life sorted out. Let's start with a job and then work on a car and then a place to live.

 

Sure you can date, but at this point, I do not think you are going to find many women that would consider you marriage material at the present moment. So focus on making yourself better, have some fun dating, then let's worry about the EX or next BIG ONE.

 

Just so you know... I was in your shoes at one point in time. I even lived in my car for a week. I got it all figured it and I am sure you will too.

 

Once you get yourself back on two feet, you will have women knocking down your door! For all we know, it could be your EX a year or two (I figure that is how long it will take to get back on top).

Edited December 9, 2010 by homebrew

[theliving]

Dude,

 

I don't want to sound harsh... but if my sister told me that she was dating you (in your current situation), I would tell her to dump you for her sake and for your own sake.

 

You're just talkin' truth. Her family was already making comments to her that maybe I wasn't the one and suggesting the new guy. She brushed them off at first, but it's impossible not to toy with the idea. I know 'cause my family did the same. Don't get me wrong I understand why they said it. It just hurt 'cause when I had some money and they needed money on the mortgage I paid it. It's not about money, it's just the idea I guess(used up toy comes to mind. lol.)

 

You are a great guy... but you need to put 100% of your time and effort into getting your life sorted out. Let's start with a job and then work on a car and then a place to live.

 

Sure you can date, but at this point, I do not think you are going to find many women that would consider you marriage material at the present moment. So focus on making yourself better, have some fun dating, then let's worry about the EX or next BIG ONE.

Totally right. I was doing some thinking on it and realized that I have to just live my life to the best of my ability. I can't hang up on her. She'll see the progress, and if she wants to be a part of my life and the future I'm creating for myself, she'll come. If not, whatever. It must be her choice and a clear one.

 

i would be temted to leave my stuff and just drop hers off in a sack at the end of her drive, but thats me.

I was just thinking of using one of the those flat rate boxes before I read this. Honestly, I'm still not sure though 'cause I want to give an ultimatum not because I think it will have any near future effect, but just to keep her on her toes and her eyes open. But the more I read and think plain NC sounds better. Any thoughts?

 

dont check facebook - it hurts

Yeah, that **** HURT. I knew better from earlier reading. I had to try once just to be hard-headed. 1 1/2 days of recovering confidence? ....*poof*

[daisydufas22]

The Story:

We'd been together for a year now. We met while fencing, becoming friends over about 5 months.

 

So we're dating. Pleasing me was very important to her. This was her first relationship and was somewhat insecure about her sexual ability. I hold her hand through this work through most of her other insecurities as they crop up.

 

As we progress, month 6 or so... we start making serious plans for our future moving in together and such.

 

Problem 1: I don't have a job. And her money goes to supporting her Mother, Mother's boyfriend, and siblings none of whom work. She was looking for me to be the provider initially while she weaned her family off of her income. I found some temp work here and there along with some freelance web work. But nothing near enough. I got depressed about it a bit and honestly stopped looking as hard. Keyword: Complacent.

 

Problem 2: No car. This made seeing trying to see each other stressful.

 

Problem 3: No place to really hang out. We both live with out families. Mine was against the whole thing. And there is no real privacy at her place. This feeds heavily into Problem 1.

 

Problem 4: Stopped being romantic and exciting... Started being over-critical. I have an anxiety about public affection. I didn't feed the side of her that needed to feel wanted. She said she was jealous of other girls and their boyfriends. I felt I was doing enough(wrong) jumping through hoops so we could see each other and have a place to hang. This made me blind to all her complaints of the above. Keywords: Self-absorbed, Self-righteous.

 

 

 

Problem 5: New guys at the job giving her a lot of attention. I'm weary, but not concerned. One guys flakes off early but maintains the friendship. The other is still trying to weasel his way in. I can see it but she can't.

She is not very worldly or self-aware. So I keep pointing it out to her as I become more uncomfortable with it. Then I realize very slowly that she is actually feeding into this to get attention(the basic kind I'm not giving her). She was playing a game trying to flaunt this in my face so I would change(texting him many times while were together and on my birthday). Kept taking my temperature, nagging about job searches, directly telling me the things she wanted from me emotionally. She said I was unable to create an attachment. I was too worried about other stuff in the relationship and my growing discomfort with them to see what was going on.

 

Long story short, I pressed her to tell me how she really felt about us first she said it was good and wanted it to work, but was too weary, so I pressed her more. The next day,she said she got lost in the game she was playing and she didn't know what she wanted anymore. She said I didn't care about the future of our relationship because I wasn't serious about finding a job. I got two more conversations that day, that was my window to say I ****ed up let's rebuild. Still couldn't see it, just kept it casual hoping it would smooth over. Nope. Apparently she talks to him that night telling him she's going to give him a chance.

 

The next day(Tuesday) she drops the bomb. She gave me a choice of phone or in person. I choose phone... I want it over with. Of course I beg and plead. She just says it wouldn't be fair to us with her dragging a third party along. He could be the one or maybe not she doesn't know.

 

After begging

 

Do you love me?: I care for you.

 

What's he got that I don't?: I don't know yet.

 

Can't we still be friends?: I'm not pushing you out of my life.

 

A part of me will always love you. [i know, fairly stupid]: I appreciate that.

 

Her: There's some stuff I need to give back and get from you. So I can I drop it off next week some time? Me: Sure.

 

Wish you two the best. See you when I see you...: *Hurriedly* Well I'm going to call you next week.

 

I felt like when I was being somewhat logical it was actually breaking her down a bit. 'Cause she was actually trying to defend her position. And well... You know when you can tell someone is digging for crap to throw at you? That tone...

 

Strict NC since, but we do have to meet.

 

Today on her FB status: So happy and peaceful... :-)

Our picture gone, but not deleted, with nothing to replace.

 

What do you think? There will be a phone call and then a meeting next week. How should I handle them? I plan to go on a strict no notice NC after that. But I want her to be able to see the changes I'm making in my life because I feel that is crucial to getting her back.

 

Get your life sorted .........then work on relationships

[samspade]

You have a lot to learn.

 

1. A man doesn't beg and plead.

 

2. A man doesn't negotiate for affection.

 

3. A man does not/cannot "win" a woman back.

 

Your only "win" will be if you shut her out of your life and work on YOU. Sounds like you are figuring that out though. Good luck bro. Live and learn (some never learn!).

[theliving]

You have a lot to learn.

 

1. A man doesn't beg and plead.

 

2. A man doesn't negotiate for affection.

 

3. A man does not/cannot "win" a woman back.

 

Your only "win" will be if you shut her out of your life and work on YOU. Sounds like you are figuring that out though. Good luck bro. Live and learn (some never learn!).

 

Yes. I'm pretty much clear on these points now. She needs to figure out what she wants. And I need to improve my life. Simple.