beyondhope Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I'm looking for honest answers here, so think about women from your past. I always make the mistake of letting my hormones get in the way of my relationships, and end up sleeping with men after one or two dates. I've realized that men quickly lose respect and interest if you're too easy. If I want to try and have a meaningful relationship, how long should I wait? Not just talking about sex, here. How long should I wait before kissing a guy? If we're only casual (haven't talked about exclusive dating) after three or four dates, would a kiss goodnight be moving too fast, or would it give the guy something to look forward to if we do decide to become exclusive? Someone give me an ideal "time frame" for how you'd like things to go if you really wanted to make the relationship last (not just get laid). Keep in mind I'm in my mid-twenties. I think that makes a difference.
Jynxx Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 You're taking it a bit to the extreme. A kiss on the 4th date is not moving too fast. In university they say if you haven't had a kiss on the 3th date, give up. But you are obviously free to do what you want. Besides, witholding sex as a manipulation tool eventhough you both feel like it is cruel and unusual punishment and a huuuge red flag for any guy, trust me on that.
Sabali Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 There is no ideal time frame. You can give it up 2 months from now and if you have a bad attitude, you will still be left alone. Personally, I don't lose respect for women who are much easier than others. I go off how cool she is and if she is a good person and has things together. I can't recall ever complaining about a woman that I dated who got sexual too soon. I think many women get thrown off by a spurious correlation between sleeping together and things not lasting. Women think that since they gave it up on the first date and things didn't last then it must have been because the guy lost respect for them for sleeping with them too soon. Many of the times, a woman that sleeps with you too soon is also very needy and just plain f*****g crazy. The guy leaves because she is blowing up his phone or acting psycho or whatever. I think that you must balance keeping a guys interest and exercising self discipline. To keep yourself honest, stay away from each other houses and hotel rooms for the first several dates. Don't invite him over to your house and don't go over his. Make the dates outside of the home and make them fun. Kiss whenever you feel like doing. Make things happen gradually. Gradual is the key in your situation. Don't fast forward to the car chase right as he is sitting down to watch the movie but if you take too long to get to some action seen, we will leave the theater.
112233 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 It doesn't matter, but the attitude that you have to arbitrarily put something off, as if you're looking for the code to break into a bank vault, is indicative of something amiss.
kiss_andmakeup Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 You are going to get different answers from everyone. There will be men who tell you that if you give it up too early you're written off immediately, and there will be men who say there is no such thing as giving it up too early. I've had relationships at many different paces. My first serious relationship we waited a year (we were both virgins). My next serious relationship we waited about a month. My current relationship, we slept together on the first date (we've been together over two years). Personally, I wouldn't want to date a man who agreed to sex (it is typically a consensual act after all) and then wrote me off because of it. Although this has never happened to me, It's hypocritical behaviour and not characteristic of someone I'd want to be with.
kiss_andmakeup Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 It doesn't matter, but the attitude that you have to arbitrarily put something off, as if you're looking for the code to break into a bank vault, is indicative of something amiss. AND I agree with this completely. Women who wait to have sex for moral or religious reasons have made a personal choice and I respect that completely. However, there is something cold, systematic, and almost deceptive about a woman who "holds out" on sex for a certain magic number of dates/days/months simply to ensure that she has the man "locked in." If you want to have sex, have sex. Just ensure that you're not going to turn into a "stage 1 clinger" at the first sign of intimacy. I think that this is what ultimately turns a lot of guys off.
D-Lish Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I've always been inclined to wait to have sex with someone when I've known I wanted things to develop into something more serious. I always feel better about myself when I wait, and i know they feel better about "us" when we wait. It's too hard to nail down a time frame. I kissed my current guy on the first date, then we progressed to intense make outs for a couple more dates, which led to going a little further on the 4th date, and eventually sleeping together after a few weeks. That time frame just worked for both of us. Unfortunately, when you sleep with someone too soon, they will picture that you do that with all guys, and that's going to be hard for a lot of guys to swallow. I am well aware that it's such a double standard, but it's just the way it is. I don't think there is anything wrong with making out with someone on the first date! Sleeping with men too soon hasn't been working for you, so I think it's good to take a different approach in the future. If something's not working for you, you'd be remiss not to pay attention to that and make a change. You can control your hormones!
Seamless74 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I dont know what all these people are talking about,,,,,,,,,,, 3 months.,, I thought this was like common knowledge or something..
Author beyondhope Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 Okay, let me be more clear: I don't WANT to have sex early on in relationships anymore. I want sex, of course, but I'd rather get to know someone enough to communicate well before moving forward. I'd be fine kissing a guy on the 3rd or 4th date, but I don't think sex would even be an option until a month of really dating. So I don't want to lead a guy on by kissing him. I guess it varies from one guy to another whether they'd be willing to stick around a whole month before having sex. Regarding "witholding" sex...I never meant it in that way. As someone who's been sexually assaulted, I take offense that me wanting to wait a while before having sex with a man for respect reasons (one of them being that the man understand where I'm coming from, having been assaulted in the past) would be regarded as "manipulative" behavior.
Sabali Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Okay, let me be more clear: I don't WANT to have sex early on in relationships anymore. I want sex, of course, but I'd rather get to know someone enough to communicate well before moving forward. I'd be fine kissing a guy on the 3rd or 4th date, but I don't think sex would even be an option until a month of really dating. So I don't want to lead a guy on by kissing him. I guess it varies from one guy to another whether they'd be willing to stick around a whole month before having sex. Regarding "witholding" sex...I never meant it in that way. As someone who's been sexually assaulted, I take offense that me wanting to wait a while before having sex with a man for respect reasons (one of them being that the man understand where I'm coming from, having been assaulted in the past) would be regarded as "manipulative" behavior. Then do what is right for you. If you don't want to have sex early on, don't have sex. The key point is that whoever sticks around for the long haul will greatly depend on what type of person you are. If you don't have a personality that shines, don't expect someone to be around 3 months from now thinking you are a great catch just because you made him wait. I can honestly tell you that out of all these years of hanging out with the guys drinking, fishing, playing basketball, or just hanging at the water cooler at work, I have never heard a guy say or imply that he stopped seeing a woman because she was "too easy." It is usually something outside of actual sex in that context that made him lose interest in the woman such as a woman acting needy or something... but forget all of this. Do what makes you comfortable with you.
Mad Max Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Nothing bad has ever happened from waiting for sex. Having sex too early on the other hand, is something else. My opinion is if she's putting out this early, she's done the same for many other guys. Promiscuity is a huge turn off.
phineas Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 After the last mess I "took it slow" with I've decided anything more than a month & I either have a talk with them or bail. Unless i'm seeing some progress. I can say with %100 certainty that any woman that made me wait longer than a month was not attracted to me & just using me.
JungleLover Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 If there is no kiss by the third date, I would be reluctant to consider the fourth especially if I am paying for dates. You never know if someone is just using you or not so I have to see some sign of investment on the other person's part. After a month of no intimacy, I am walking. It just usually not a good sign.
Joe Normal Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I would say about 1 month. Guys will bitch and moan about it, but if they are really into you, they will wait that long. Also, if they are not that into you and just want a screw, then 1 month is long enough for them to lose interest. So you weed out the pump & dump crowd, and the impatient crowd, and leave it to the desperate SOBs, and the ones who really like you. Hopefully by 4-5 weeks you can tell if someone is desperate or not
denise_xo Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I'm looking for honest answers here, so think about women from your past. I always make the mistake of letting my hormones get in the way of my relationships, and end up sleeping with men after one or two dates. I've realized that men quickly lose respect and interest if you're too easy. If I want to try and have a meaningful relationship, how long should I wait? Not just talking about sex, here. How long should I wait before kissing a guy? If we're only casual (haven't talked about exclusive dating) after three or four dates, would a kiss goodnight be moving too fast, or would it give the guy something to look forward to if we do decide to become exclusive? Someone give me an ideal "time frame" for how you'd like things to go if you really wanted to make the relationship last (not just get laid). Keep in mind I'm in my mid-twenties. I think that makes a difference. I think you should just set your own standards. Why are you asking men to set them for you? I set my own standards for myself and act on those. If they widely differ from those of a specific man I'm with, I would in any case suspect incompatibility issues.
musemaj11 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 (edited) I dont understand. How can a woman not be able to hold out for more than one or two dates? I mean Im a guy and I can wait for a several months if I want to. It makes no sense. A woman cannot have more hormones than a guy. I guess you just lack self control. Anyway, personally I need at least one month to emotionally bond with someone. Sex too early wont make me lose respect for a woman. But it makes me feel too close too soon if that makes sense. Edited December 9, 2010 by musemaj11
Surrealist Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I dont understand. How can a woman not be able to hold out for more than one or two dates? I mean Im a guy and I can wait for a several months if I want to. It makes no sense. A woman cannot have more hormones than a guy. I guess you just lack self control. Anyway, personally I need at least one month to emotionally bond with someone. Sex too early wont make me lose respect for a woman. But it makes me feel too close too soon if that makes sense. I might not often agree with musemaj's posts, but I was wondering this question as well? Please enlighten us.
denise_xo Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I've realized that men quickly lose respect and interest if you're too easy. . That's just blatant double standards. It takes two to tango. I send men with that mind set straight to the curb.
EasyHeart Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 That's just blatant double standards. It takes two to tango. I send men with that mind set straight to the curb.How is that a double standard?
zig Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 A goodnight kiss and sex are totally different as everything said. Don't be afraid of the kiss. It's a non-issue as how men perceive you to be respectful or not.
810 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 (edited) I dont understand. How can a woman not be able to hold out for more than one or two dates? I mean Im a guy and I can wait for a several months if I want to. It makes no sense. A woman cannot have more hormones than a guy. I guess you just lack self control. Anyway, personally I need at least one month to emotionally bond with someone. Sex too early wont make me lose respect for a woman. But it makes me feel too close too soon if that makes sense. true. i like this i do think that it's lack of self control. if you feel comfortable going at a certain pace, then go for it. but i agree with musamaj, a certain bond should be made. i mean at least find out what kind of pizza and starbucks he likes before jumping into bed with him. Edited December 9, 2010 by 810
112233 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Women who wait to have sex for moral or religious reasons have made a personal choice and I respect that completely. However, there is something cold, systematic, and almost deceptive about a woman who "holds out" on sex for a certain magic number of dates/days/months simply to ensure that she has the man "locked in." If you want to have sex, have sex. Just ensure that you're not going to turn into a "stage 1 clinger" at the first sign of intimacy. I think that this is what ultimately turns a lot of guys off. God you're good. Thank you.
GoodOnPaper Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 It's a fine line to walk -- move too quickly and he may not respect you, move too slowly and he may not think that you're really attracted to him. And exactly where the line is may vary from man to man depending on his attitudes and experiences. With me, as I've always had trouble with the attraction phase of dating/relationships, erring on the move-quickly side would be safer. However, I'm sure that erring on the move-slower side would work better with many men. Overall, this is probably the best advice: If you want to have sex, have sex. Just ensure that you're not going to turn into a "stage 1 clinger" at the first sign of intimacy. I think that this is what ultimately turns a lot of guys off. I have always found the following to be a paradox: I've always been inclined to wait to have sex with someone when I've known I wanted things to develop into something more serious. So there is a greater physical attraction to the ONS-type guy than the serious relationship guy? If so, why go after the serious relationship guy at all?
Chicago_Guy Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I'm looking for honest answers here, so think about women from your past. I always make the mistake of letting my hormones get in the way of my relationships, and end up sleeping with men after one or two dates. I've realized that men quickly lose respect and interest if you're too easy. If I want to try and have a meaningful relationship, how long should I wait? Not just talking about sex, here. How long should I wait before kissing a guy? If we're only casual (haven't talked about exclusive dating) after three or four dates, would a kiss goodnight be moving too fast, or would it give the guy something to look forward to if we do decide to become exclusive? Someone give me an ideal "time frame" for how you'd like things to go if you really wanted to make the relationship last (not just get laid). Keep in mind I'm in my mid-twenties. I think that makes a difference. Most guys will cut their losses and give up if there hasn't been a kiss by the second date, especially if the guy has been paying for the dates because he will probably think that you aren't interested and are merely leading him on.
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