Hardest part

[debtman]

I think it's the loneliness. Even when we were fighting, I would go upstairs and work on my computer, she would be downstairs on her computer and the kids would be sleeping in their rooms.

 

Now, she's at home with the kids and her new boyfriend and I'm at my parents house, tucked away in their guest bedroom, getting work done, to keep my head above water financially, until she and her bf buy a house in May.

 

Even though I know it will work out for the better, I'll be back in the house in May, she'll be off with him in a new place, making him crazy, I'll see the kids and be able to focus completely on them without her input, it just sucks.

 

I've been getting out, seeing friends, getting old hobbies going again, etc. but, at the end of the night, it's quiet, I'm not in MY house and I miss my kids. I even miss her sometimes...until I get angry at her for finally making the decision that set this all in motion...

 

Too little sleep, lost 20 lbs. in the last 2 months and keep finding my mind going back to the kids, her and him...

 

Not sure how to distract myself enough or how to move on without doing something destructive like a rebound relationship (which I'm pretty sure is what she's in, although she's convinced he's her perfect companion)...damn introspection...wish I could just turn my mind off sometimes...hard to focus at work, keep checking my emails to see if she's written me another scathing email, waiting for the phone to ring...DAMMIT!!

 

Posting here has helped to get some perspective. My family, friends and mediator all tell me I'm doing the right thing, handling it the best I can, but it doesn't make it any easier...

Edited December 8, 2010 by debtman

[UnsureinSeattle]

It's real easy to say "don't worry about her and get to know yourself" or whatever- but that's sort of cliched and doesn't really address how you feel RIGHT NOW. Are there any old hobbies you can fall back into? Old friends (especially friends that you haven't seen in awhile because of her) you can look up?

 

It sucks, but you've come this far, you know? You don't want to stumble on the last lap. You WILL be able to get to the other side of this.

[debtman]

UnsureinSeattle, thanks, you're right...I have gotten back into some old hobbies and plan to get back into many of the others that I've given up...and I have started seeing my old friends again. It was just that tonight I have a bunch of work I need to do and am not being distracted by friends, hobbies or the kids, so it sucks...

 

I've been avoiding FaceBook because she basically lives there. But I sent private messages out to a few friends that I hadn't talked to in a while. I hadn't made a post for a month or so and decided, since Lennon was shot today I'd put up a quote, then go eat dinner with my folks.

 

"There's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be..."

— John Lennon

RIP

 

I generally call her at 7 to say goodnight to the kids and was at dinner until 7:10. I go back to my phone and she's left 3 messages because she didn't know Lennon was shot today and thought I was going to kill myself and was all upset...

 

I told her not to worry about that happening, I've got too much to live for with the kids, but, at least it was nice to know that, regardless of how she acts and treats me, some part of her still cares. And, she obviously thinks I'm all broken up over her, not over the fact that I miss my kids, my house and my dog.

 

You're right, I'll get over it, better times ahead...just hate that loneliness after not facing it for 10+ years...

[starting2wakeup]

debtman, I know exactly how you feel. My W and I share custody of our two girls. She gets them one week, me the next. The weeks when I don't have them are incredibly difficult. The house is so quite. Battling with that quite, that loneliness is tough. Stay strong. Trust me, when you are not around your kids are thinking of you as much as you are thinking of them. Knowing that is what gets me through those times when I'm by myself.

[Soxfan_96]

My heart goes out to you. Please remember to take care of yourself in this situation. Please remember the children you have. Yes things change. And sometimes life kicks you in the balls, but there is something to be learned here. Only you can explore what this life situation brought forth. For me its facing my childhood abuse and its affect in my adulthood. I don't have kids myself, but I would make sure they are taking care of also. Many friends of mine are children of divorce parents. All felt like the parents forgot about them throughout this life changing process. You need to take care of your needs and the needs of your children.

 

What helps me through the difficult times is knowing I have a future, a better and brighter one. Yes you don't live with the mother of the kids anymore. But the kids are still in your life. They still bring you joy and I am sure your so very proud of them. Remember why you had them. Yes the relationship gone. Your feelings are hurt and you need to heal. But they will some how. Use this time to reevaluate where your life is. Make the neccessary changes. Learn from this failed relationship. Each relationship teaches us something. You just have to figure out what that is. Be good to yourself, because no one else will. Only you know what you like and don't like. Only you know what calms you down. Have respect for yourself since your ex-wife doesn't. She obviously didn't care enough about your feelings. BUt this doesn't mean you should care about your own.

 

Everyone deals with things in their lives differently. If you're stuck go see a counselor. Believe me they work if you get a good one.

 

For me understanding, become aware of what my relationship was, and how I was responsible for my part helps out dearly. Just remember you have thousands of friends here on loveshack to help out. To read your words and to express your feelings. Try reading "loving choices" and "Rebuilding:When your relationships end." Both books help explain alot of whats going on.

[D-Lish]

Hey DM,

 

I've been where you are. I was with my exH for over 8 years when we split and he was soon with someone else. It initially turned my world upside down. It's quite the process, that's for sure. Up days, down days, lots of reflection. A mix of relief intertwined with all the loss. It's confusing, it's draining, and it isn't easy- believe me, I know.

 

One thing I can promise you is that you will find normalcy again, and you'll find peace. It doesn't happen overnight, but it will happen.

 

It's important to participate in the process as much as you can, and that unfortunately means embracing the pain in order for you to put it behind you.

 

At some point, you'll hit that place where you can be alone, without feeling lonley- that's a liberating state.

 

I too re-connected with old friends, made many new ones, and life slowly began to feel more normal to me again. It's been 8 years since I got divorced, and I have recently started dating someone that brings out the best in me again.

 

I had to sell our house because there were too many memories associated with living there- maybe you might want to consider doing that too? It's hard to start fresh when you're immersed in memories.

[debtman]

starting2wakeup: you are so right. Every time I drop the kids off my 5 yo daughter starts crying, telling me she doesn't want me to go, etc. and my 3 yo son did it today when I had to go to the house to fix the frozen pipes. They tell me often that they don't want to go home, so I know how much they miss me. Even though I see them 4-5 nights during the week and have had them every weekend so far. I also know that this whole process has made me a better, more patient father...and I was pretty patient before. It makes me value the time with them much more and I find myself reasoning and discussing things with them instead of getting frustrated and just putting them in time out or yelling at them.

 

sox_fan: I know it will get better. It's just hard now...and only sometimes. I was in the Army, so, I just compare this to basic training. It was physically and emotionally challenging, drill sergeants were yelling at me all the time, etc. I got through that fine and came out a stronger, better person. More confident and happy. I know I can get through this as well. Good points about learning from the relationship. She blames the entire state of our marriage on me, and I own my part of that and have learned the importance of complete honesty and wide-open communication for a long-term relationship to REALLY work, but, she won't admit that meeting this new guy had anything to do with her decision to finally end things and give up on working on our relationship and, as much as part of me wants her new relationship to work, for the sake of the kids, I don't see it happening. Maybe I'm wrong.

The other stories and posts on LS have been invaluable and opened my eyes up to so many other people with similar (and MUCH worse) situations that it makes me realize that I will get through this and it will be fine...

 

D-Lish: Thanks for the perspective. I was single for 4 years before I met her and I was very happy with my life, LOVED who I was and what I was doing. One of the things she always said attracted her to me so much was my confidence and I'm looking forward to getting back to being that person again.

Good luck with your new dating situation!

As far as the house goes, I'm going to have to see how it feels once I get back in. There are lots of good memories there, it's our kids "home" and, even though she and OM will be living there for 3 months before I move back in, it's a great house, I'm looking forward to being able to do what I want to it, it needs lots of work that she can't do and the neighbors and property are unbeatable for what we paid. I'm willing to at least try it out to see if I can make it work. If not, I'll finish fixing it up, wait for the market to rebound and look for a different place.

 

Thanks for ALL the good vibes and positivity...exactly what I needed tonight!

[What_Next]

debtman, boy how I can understand where you are. I was right there and it was one of the hardest times in my life. I made 2 mistakes, the first was to self medicate with booze. BAD! The second was to run off and begin to date. BAD! So...

 

The 2 biggest things which will help will be exercise and diet. Eat right, exercise like a man possessed. A tired body sleeps and the mind won't race. If you are angry, use it as fuel. The added advantage to this route is that as you lose weight and tone up, when you are ready to date a six pack can't hurt right?

 

Good luck! Keep posting.

[debtman]

what_next: Thanks for the insight. I've gone out with friends a few times, but haven't felt like really "tying one on" and am trying to avoid any of the self-medicating routes. I did start smoking again after 5 years of being quit, but that's temporary and I'll quit again...next week.

 

I was doing good working out when I was living at home and she was going out on dates and need to start doing that again. I've lost too much weight and need to start eating regularly as well. It's weird living at my parents, feeling like a "guest" and not feeling comfortable taking over the kitchen, refrigerator space, etc. and need to get over that because I know they're trying so hard to help and make this easy...

 

4 months, 22 days 'til I'm back in the house...

[Darth Vader]

starting2wakeup: you are so right. Every time I drop the kids off my 5 yo daughter starts crying, telling me she doesn't want me to go, etc. and my 3 yo son did it today when I had to go to the house to fix the frozen pipes. They tell me often that they don't want to go home, so I know how much they miss me. Even though I see them 4-5 nights during the week and have had them every weekend so far. I also know that this whole process has made me a better, more patient father...and I was pretty patient before. It makes me value the time with them much more and I find myself reasoning and discussing things with them instead of getting frustrated and just putting them in time out or yelling at them.

 

sox_fan: I know it will get better. It's just hard now...and only sometimes. I was in the Army, so, I just compare this to basic training. It was physically and emotionally challenging, drill sergeants were yelling at me all the time, etc. I got through that fine and came out a stronger, better person. More confident and happy. I know I can get through this as well. Good points about learning from the relationship. She blames the entire state of our marriage on me, and I own my part of that and have learned the importance of complete honesty and wide-open communication for a long-term relationship to REALLY work, but, she won't admit that meeting this new guy had anything to do with her decision to finally end things and give up on working on our relationship and, as much as part of me wants her new relationship to work, for the sake of the kids, I don't see it happening. Maybe I'm wrong.

The other stories and posts on LS have been invaluable and opened my eyes up to so many other people with similar (and MUCH worse) situations that it makes me realize that I will get through this and it will be fine...

 

D-Lish: Thanks for the perspective. I was single for 4 years before I met her and I was very happy with my life, LOVED who I was and what I was doing. One of the things she always said attracted her to me so much was my confidence and I'm looking forward to getting back to being that person again.

Good luck with your new dating situation!

As far as the house goes, I'm going to have to see how it feels once I get back in. There are lots of good memories there, it's our kids "home" and, even though she and OM will be living there for 3 months before I move back in, it's a great house, I'm looking forward to being able to do what I want to it, it needs lots of work that she can't do and the neighbors and property are unbeatable for what we paid. I'm willing to at least try it out to see if I can make it work. If not, I'll finish fixing it up, wait for the market to rebound and look for a different place.

 

Thanks for ALL the good vibes and positivity...exactly what I needed tonight!

 

 

What really sucks is watching and hearing your children react to you leaving, all the while knowing that your STBX caused this to happen, have you told her "look at what you've caused"?

 

I know, I know, she doesn't accept any responsibility for her actions!

[debtman]

Darth, you are EXACTLY right. On several occasions when I have brought up the fact that SHE wanted the divorce she always throws it back on me and says my actions over the past two years "told" her that I didn't want to take the time to work on the marriage, even though I was the only one suggesting things we could try, MC, etc. all of which she ignored...

 

You're also right about how hard it is to leave when the kids are screaming and crying for me to not go and I have to hand them over to her and walk away, choking back tears as I hear them crying inside the house...

 

Actually, I think the hardest thing is going to be watching my kids interact with her new boyfriend. She's constantly telling me how much they love him, how kind he is to them, etc. I haven't been able to bring myself to interact with him again and am not sure how long it will be until that happens. Not sure how I'll avoid it once he moves into the house and I still have to go pick up the kids. Maybe, after the agreement is signed and the divorce is final I'll feel different and be relieved that I'm finally FREE of her insanity and feel sorry for him because he has NO IDEA of what lies ahead for him.