Naya Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 Okay. So a few things. I do attempt to "explain" some in here. I do not intend that to be justification because there cannot be justification. Lord knows you put two people in the exactly same situation, and you will not get the same result. My husband and I have already made our decision. I know some of you feel he should just leave me on the corner. No need to reinforce that. I know. I come from a abusive household. (Mother was the abusive one.) I mention that because I think it plays in. In addition to the abuse, my father was openly in an affair with another woman. My mother did not approve, and we knew that, but did not leave even when the other woman moved in. When I was 20, I got pregnant and married the father (age at the time, 25; we had been dating for 5 years) I am now 23. The marriage was not good, though we got along well enough as friends. There was nothing else there and we both mistreated each other. I was certainly more passive aggressive about it, being the "victim" while not treating him any better. We were in an open relationship, though if you are familiar with that it involves no lying and there was lots of lying. It was not healthy. I asked him several times to go to counseling and he always refused. I told him I was unhappy. I never put it as, I am going to leave or find somebody else. Leads to me meeting the OM (age 44). He convinced me that my BH was abusive and I had not really been able to see it because of my background. I am an intelligent person so someone telling me this should be no excuse. Anyways, I moved out. First I asked BH if he loved me and he said No, he did as a mother but not as a wife. I was awful to BH at first. Eventually I started softening and that caused problems with OM who said I was being unhealthy. Finally, I ended things with OM because I have a child with BH and anyone who refuses to allow any respect for him is detrimental to my child. However, it wasn't because I didn't care deeply for him. It just couldn't be. Then I told BH everything. I did not ask for a chance back at first, though I wanted it, because I knew that I had no right. But BH offered it, and told me I'd been a different person the past few months, and he realized while I was gone how much he missed me and how he did feel and that we both had gotten numb to how we were treating each other in all the stress we were not prepared for. We discussed what we need to change, including becoming monogamous and where we each took each other for granted. Things really could be amazing between us if we got through that. On a personal level, even through this, we mesh very well. To the points I need help with. 1. How do I show my love to BH and get past what drove me to this behavior? He does not want to see anything of mine though I did offer to open up all correspondences. I am making the changes he asked and trying not to harp while he tries to change behaviors I had issues with. 2. How do I mourn the relationship I lost without it impacting my H any more? I do need to mourn. I am sorry, but I do. 3. I am worried that my BH puts all the blame on OM rather than me. I am an adult, regardless of anything, and it frankly concerns me that I am not communicating the way I should if OM blamed BH and BH now blames OM. I tried to express this, but BH thought I was defending OM over BH, which isn't the case. I just want to be honest. I see no need to attack another person for what in the end is my choice regardless of anything else. Then, I don't know if I'm being selfish and seeking something for my own guilt. Do I let it be? I don't want to glaze over an issue and have it come back later. I've also done enough sidestepping responsibility, which is just being my parents... I do not want that. I do not want to be that person. My Husband and I have the ability to be amazing once we get through this. I certainly will never cheat again. It made me hate myself, and then hurt two people I cared about. Also, our son deserves us to give it an honest try. I just want to do the best I can. Thanks.
Author Naya Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 I will add my BS stated he feels grateful that something pushed us off the path we are on and is not usually the jealous type at all. And the being in an open relationship complicates things (though there is no doubt I cheated; that is, crossed boundaries) I wish with all I had that we had gotten off the past without my unacceptable behavior... Am I just upset because I want more consequences? I don't know. I think that I just don't want my husband to turn his hurt inwards or ignore it until the same effect, and I worry he is doing that in his turn of loving me, of being sympathetic with me because of my past and the age difference with OM, and etc. He is not the conflict avoidance type though, not like me, so I may be projecting how I would respond and he is just dealing with it incredibly healthfully for him. On the other hand, it's not his responsibility to punish me because I feel so guilty. So I'm not sure whether I say anything or not, and how to say it without it coming off as defending OM.
Author Naya Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 I use the library now and do not have internet connections every day. I'm logging off now and just wanted people to know I will be back if I'm not right away to respond. Thanks again for any suggestions or help
UnsureinSeattle Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 All I can say that I wanted from my GF when she was off in the clouds in Emotional Affair land was: 1) Disclosure I got this to some degree, but, if I'm being honest, I don't know that I was told everything, nor will I ever be sure. I wanted to know what I had done wrong to push her away. She said "nothing" so many times that eventually I had to take her word for it. 2) Transparency I got this to some degree. But you never know... When she turns distant or cold, I can't help but feel the old suspicions flare up. 3) Better comunication This one we're still working on. Some days it's great, some days, I wonder why I bother sticking around. I dealt with things as best as I could. But it was mostly internal- I received little help from her... which was another source of disappointment, etc. etc. I think that, in your case, bringing it all back up (saying it was my fault, not the other man) might not be the best scenario. It sounds like you already gave him the full disclosure and it sounds like you've opened up the lines of communication, so that's good... but I dunno. It kind of sounds like you're still carrying a bit of a torch for the other man (sorry to say that- it looks like an attack when typed out). I mean, you want to "mourn" the loss of the relationship and you're worried what your hubby thinks of the guy? That rings false to me somehow. Nothing you say is going to make your husband not hate the guy. You should proabably worry more about putting your all into reconciling with your husband and less about where blame is placed, etc. Be understanding. Try to work on you. Try not to take your relationship for granted. Be there for him! Be transparent in your actions- you will rebuild trust if you behave in a trustworthy manner. Hopefully, he'll do the same for you. The hurt feelings won't go away overnight, if ever. You can only hope to move past them, you know? Good luck- I hope it works out for you.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 To the points I need help with. 1. How do I show my love to BH and get past what drove me to this behavior? you set him free from you. 2. How do I mourn the relationship I lost without it impacting my H any more? I do need to mourn. I am sorry, but I do. the loss of your unscrupulous affair partner is not going to be of concern to many of us here. That is a question better asked in the OW/OM forum 3. I am worried that my BH puts all the blame on OM rather than me. deep down he doesn't, trust me on that, but if he decides to stay with you, for whatever god awful reason, that is why it may seem he blames OM more...because he has to deal with you on a day to day basis already. And don't think that the OM is blameless. He had a responsibility to be a decent person.....he isn't. I am an adult, regardless of anything, and it frankly concerns me that I am not communicating the way I should if OM blamed BH and BH now blames OM. I tried to express this, but BH thought I was defending OM over BH, which isn't the case. I just want to be honest. I see no need to attack another person for what in the end is my choice regardless of anything else. oh, so its perfectly ok for another man to help himself to someone elses wife simply because it was your choice to break your marriage vows? sorry, a real man doesn't think that way. My Husband and I have the ability to be amazing once we get through this. I certainly will never cheat again. you can't say that with certainty if you have proven yourself more than capable of it in the first place. If I were your husband, I'd simply divorce you. But since he chose to stay, and I can't believe I'm saying this, then counseling is about the only thing that can be done, because anything you might do may just make it worse. Also, our son deserves us to give it an honest try. your son deserved a mother that wouldn't hurt someone he loves, his father, in one of the worst ways possible. why is it cheaters all of a sudden start thinking of what the children deserve AFTER the affair is over?
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