Learning To Trust Again I Am Falling Apart

[Rose1977]

Hi everyone,

 

I am new here. I am in the midst of a bad situation and desperately seeking advice from someone who has been where I am before.

 

This could be long, but don't worry, it's drama-filled so sure to be entertaining . I have been with my boyfriend for 15 months. I am 33 and he is 34. We went to grade school together and reconnected on FB. I am divorced with a 7 year old son (and an excellent relationship with my ex-husband so no issues there). My BF's longest relationship was 2 dates. Stop laughing, I'm not kidding. I asked him if he ever had hisheart broken and he said "once in college. I went on a date with this girl and really liked her. I slept with her and she blew me off. I was devastated." Needless to say, I had to contain my laughter. The girls he has dated briefly (some of who I am friends with) are all beautiful, so he has no problem getting women. You may be asking yourself what he did with his time between grade school and now instead of dating/getting married etc... Well, he worked his a** off. He is more successful at 34 than most of us will ever be in our lives. I am very proud of him, he is one of the hardest worders I have ever known.

 

I have not had an easy life. When we reconnected I was in an awful apartment - deplorable is probably more appropriate. I was living paycheck to paycheck, you get the picture. Within a month I was being wined and dined at restaurants I couldn't even pronounce and being taken on vacations. Granted, I was not easy to be with at that point. I was in a bad situation, workwise and at home. I will be the first to admit I was a bit miserable most of the time.

 

Enter the cheating.

First time: Month into the relationship, told me he was going to CT. to visit college friend. Having been around the block before, I knew when his phone was shut off that something was up. Accused him of cheating and the dummy fessed up immediately. To add insult to injury, the woman is 50, rather obese, ugly, AND has my name. He told me the weekend had been preplanned, and he ended it with her - but not before doing the deed with her. Gross, I know. I am positive he ended it with her that weekend b/c she was MAD and proceeded to stalk me on two websites to the point I had to get my email addy changed.

 

Second time: Innocent dinner with a girl he had dated briefly. Nice girl, I actually like her. I did not know about the dinner, but wouldn't have really cared. I do care that they ended up naked on his couch, though both parties have told me that "it" didn't happen because they realized it was wrong. She is actually in a great relationship now and as much s I want to not like her I kind of do.

 

Third time: This one is a doozy, I caught him soliciting a call girl. She didn't show up, which I gathered via reading his text messages.

 

Fourth time: He had a prebooked vacation to Mexico before we met. Asked him not to go, he went. When he was unpacking, I found an unopened box of condoms. He swore they weren't used, and I do believe him, because at this point, I can kind of tell when the idiot is lying.

 

Now, before you all go telling me to leave him, here are some important details: All of this horrid behavior happened between September and March. In March, after the hooker incident, I left. He came CRAWLING back. He swore to do anything I asked, and I asked A LOT. I was b****y and made him cut off friends that are female that he has had since childhood. I told him he was never going out again without me. And he told me if that's what it took to be with me, he would do it.

 

I moved in with him 2 months ago. I have gone from living in an awful neighborhood 100 miles away to living in a high rise on the water. The man would do anything for me. Anything. He pulled strings to get me a job with a top ranked Fortune 500 Company. He and my ex-husband get along, and more importantly, he gets along with my son and treats him like his own.

 

He wants to get married and have children. I want to get remarried. Everyone is waiting for the engagement. But... he also wants his freedom back. He says he can't live like this forever and needs to spend time with his male friends.

 

I do honestly in my heart believe he has changed. Any man who could put up with my emotional state after the cheating deserves a medal. I was downright abusive to him. I have never been so angry in my life. He has told me he doesn't know how to regain my trust, so he is even paying privately for a counselor for us to go to. I do 100% believe his heart is in this and that he wants it for the long run.

 

Now the important part: How do I trust again? I WANT him to go out I WANT him to have a life, but I don't know how to do it without being the psycho that calls and texts every 30 seconds. I know the relationship will not move to marriage if I keep him confined. But here's what happens when he wants to go out: Panic attacks so intense I have to be medicated, inability to eat, crying spells, insomnia and night terrors like you can't imagine.

 

Tomorrow night he wants to go to his work Christmas party. I want to let him go, but I don't know if I am emotionally strong enough for this. I am a nervous wreck. Despite the cheating, he truly is a wonderful man who would do anything in this world for me. I will not make excuses for him, but he has never been in a true adult relationship and I don't believe he understood what it entailed. I believe 100% that he is comitted and I believe at this point it is me bringing up the past nonstop and having these insecurity fits that is making this harder than it has to be.

 

Any advice please? And please respect my decision to stay with him after all of this, I know most people wouldn't have, but I chose to stay with him and really can't take being berated for that decision by one more person.

 

Thanks for reading the above novel, and if I can help any of you, I have been around the block more than once, so I will try my best to give advice.

[Linda9999]

I found out in March that my husband was soliciting (what turned out to be fake) escorts on line. Then he hired a hooker in June for a blow job.

 

I do not expect to be able to fully trust him again, ever. There will always be that tiny bit of doubt, be it ever so small. He knows this and accepts it. He is also willing to pay his dues. He has to account for his whereabouts, give me access to his emails and phone and bank accounts, etc etc. He HAS to. If he didn't, it would set things back.

 

I don't think it's fair to ask yourself to forgive right now. It hasn't even been a year. I expect, for myself, that as he allows me to be the "psycho that calls and texts every 30 seconds" and I find nothing, that it will fade. It already is. The need to call and snoop diminishes every day. But only because I did it, and he didn't resent it. He actually embraced it (after an initial period of balking) because he sees it for what it is - my way to healing.

[Rose1977]

Thank you Linda. And congratulations on making it through my huge long post . Out of all the cheating, the hooker episode is the most embarassing to admit, but I don't know why. I don't like that you have been through it too as I don't wish that pain on anyone, but I am glad that others have lived it and survived to tell. I feel like tomorrow night will be the first true test. He really has been on lockdown by me since March, but he's going crazy, and to be totallly honest, it's driving me crazy being around him nonstop . I know we cannot move forward without him earning his trust back, but can I just ask how you survived the first night he went out after the "incident"? Could you even relax for a second? I am relieved to hear you say it gets better. Very relieved. Thank you for your advice.

[Linda9999]

Well, that's where our situations diverge, because when I found out I kicked him out and didn't even speak to him for 2 months. So he spent two months on his own and for all I know, all I will ever know, hired a hooker every one of those nights. He moved back home Sept 1.

 

Nov 6 of this year was another d day for me, as that's when I found out about the hooker. Since then it's been much harder for me to let him out of my sight - the whole thing started from day 1 again pretty much. But he has to go to work every day (he chatted with the fake women every day from work), he curls twice a week also. I get through it by remembering that if he really did want to, he could still be getting away with things behind my back no matter WHAT I do. It comes down to giving him back a little bit more trust each time, then a wee bit more, etc. Baby steps. If something bugs me I tell him. Maybe I go with him to the curling rink (he lied to me last Dec about curling and tried to meet up with one of his fake women), maybe I call him every 15 minutes while he's shopping, then next time I only have to call every 30 or 45 minutes. And I talk to him about it and tell him what's bugging me.

[Rose1977]

Can I ask what he did to make you believe he really wanted to fix it and make it work? And what finally convinced you? Though I realize you are probably far from being convinced fully after being through what you have been through with him. i am terrified of being played foor a fool again, but at the same time, I truly believe he is committed to making this work. I don't believe any man is going to give up two days a week to go to couples counseling if they don't want to make it work. But I could be wrong, it's happened once or twice in my life

[Linda9999]

Hmm, what has he done to make me believe him?

- didn't throw anything back Nov 6 when I was freaking out and throwing everything I could lay my hands on at him. He didn't get mad back at me at all - he knew he deserved it.

- apologizes to me over and over and over. And over and over.

- talks about it in our marriage counseling (marriage counseling is SO important to both of us)

- gave me his email and bank account passwords, lets me look at his computer whenever I want to

- offered to put GPS on his cell phone

- answers my ten thousand questions (over and over and over) without getting his hackles up

Like you say, I'm not convinced today and maybe never will be 100%. I still look at him once in a while and think about what a complete and utter fool I am if he's still lying. One minute I think that the scene Nov 6 should have convinced him that he'd better come clean if there was anything else. The next minute I think it scared him so bad that now he'll NEVER tell me if there's anything else.

[Rose1977]

LOL, I did my fair share of throwing everything I could get my hands on at him as well.

 

The one thing that terrifies my BF is others (especially his family and his high ranking friends at work) finding out about all of the awful things he has done. I mean it terrifies him to the point where he gets physically sick at the thought.

 

So, I made a private blog on a well-known website detailing EVERYTHING. I even included pics of the girls he cheated on me with including the hookers mugshot (had to pull some strings to get that one). Not to toot my own horn at all, but I am not a bad looking woman, and any rational person that looked at pics of the women he cheated on me with would recommend him for a psych evaluation.

 

Anyway, I promised him that as long as he swore he was coming clean with me, there would be no reprecussions - we would deal with it in counseling. BUT I made it clear to him that if ANY other lies come out, that blog is going public, getting linked to my Facebook page, and I will also link it to his FB page which includes all of his friends, work colleagues and family. And I told him that it would happen when he least expected it - like that he could leave for work one day and I would post it and he would come home to an empty apartment. I think that kind of out the fear in him. He swore to me there was nothing else I could possibly find out. And he must be pretty confident in that because he agreed that those terms were fair after everything he has put me through.

 

Yet I still have trust issues of course. Tomorrow night is going to be such a test for me. I'm dreading it.

[Iconoclast]

So, I made a private blog on a well-known website detailing EVERYTHING. I even included pics of the girls he cheated on me with including the hookers mugshot (had to pull some strings to get that one).

 

This is such an awfully bad idea. Do not, I repeat do not. Put that on the internet at all, until you come to the point you want to release it. You want that getting out if you're married in 5 years? Trust me. I'm in IT. There are no secrets on the internet.

 

BTW..i'm on your side. The above is to protect you.

[Rose1977]

I guess I never thought about it because I made it private... I do see your point though, I have heard the horror stories. I feel like I need some kind of bargaining tool with him though to make sure that if he chooses to hurt me again, he will be hurt just as bad (probably worse because his parents would have a hard time dealing with the fact that their perfect son solicits prostitutes). Maybe I should just save it all in a Word document and make him aware that I still have it, but that it's locked on my computer. Even then, he knows it would only take a few minutes for me to upload it and make it public if it became necessary. I truly am at my breaking point - if one more instance of lying or cheating comes out I am leaving, there will be no reconciliation or even talking. I need him to know how serious I am about that.

[whichwayisup]

All the cheating before you're even married or moved in with him and he still wants his freedom...To be with women.

 

This guy is not long term material, I hope you know this? Yes, you love him but he is going to break your heart continually. He doesn't have the balls to tell you he's a committment phobe, but the red flags are all there.

 

Think twice about marrying this guy. Do you also see he has not changed any behaviour...And, you are enabling his behaviour by taking him back each time he cheats? HE lies, you forgive, and so on. He won't change unless HE wants to.

[whichwayisup]

Originally Posted by Rose1977

So, I made a private blog on a well-known website detailing EVERYTHING. I even included pics of the girls he cheated on me with including the hookers mugshot (had to pull some strings to get that one).

 

See, this is just cruel. And not love, to threaten someone like that, do post details online, yes he is a jerk, a cheater and all, but you chose to stay with him knowing what he was capable of. To embarrass him like that, ruin his life (and it very well could. Friends, family, work collegues,) let alone reputation. Honestly, posting that stuff online about him is going too far.

 

I get that you're hurt, and in revenge mode..IF this blows up in your face, be aware he might do something back to you, try to make you suffer, so be prepared for consquences!!

[Rose1977]

He has changed his behavior signifigantly or I wouldn't be here. He went from going out all the time to not going out at all for close to 9 months. He lost friends over the restrictions I imposed after he was caught (which I do feel bad about). He has given me the passwords to everything, even his work voicemail and email (which is illegal because of the field of work he is in). I have complete access to home and cell phone records. He has defriended any and all women that I asked him to, and I know he actually did cut them off, because I would get the emails from them asking why he wouldn't respond to them. I would not have stayed if his behavior didn't change. i am forgiving, yes, and most would look at the situation and say I have been a fool for taking him back, but many things in this relationship has changed. We also go to couples counseling which he pays for out of pocket twice a week.

[Rose1977]

See, this is just cruel. And not love, to threaten someone like that, do post details online, yes he is a jerk, a cheater and all, but you chose to stay with him knowing what he was capable of. To embarrass him like that, ruin his life (and it very well could. Friends, family, work collegues,) let alone reputation. Honestly, posting that stuff online about him is going too far.

 

I get that you're hurt, and in revenge mode..IF this blows up in your face, be aware he might do something back to you, try to make you suffer, so be prepared for consquences!!

 

 

It is NOT online. Well it is, but it is private - you would need a password and myusername to be able to make it public, and another password and username to link it to any kind of social networking site anyone could see. Plus, as you can see from reading above, I have decided to take it down and put it into a Word document and will post it only if and when he decides to cheat again (which you seem pretty sure he will do). He is well aware of its existence, so if he doesn't cheat, the blog being saved to a hard drive shouldn't be an issue.

 

To be blunt, if he chooses to cheat again, I am not concerned for his reputation in the least. He knows the only way that information would go public is if he decided to cheat again. So really his reputation is quite safe as long as he keeps it in his pants I have thought of possible reprecussions from him, and there is really nothing he can do to me. My life is an open book, so it's not like there are any deep dark secrets he can reveal. Not to mention, if we were to split, we don't have children/shared bank accounts, etc... so I really could leave one day and never see/hear from him again. Getting a cell phone number changed isn't that difficult.

 

But one thing I do agree with is that I need to learn to heal and get out of revenge mode and into healing/moving forward mode.

[young&inlove]

My husband cheated on me with my best friend almost a year ago (D-Day is coming..... :$).

 

I know how you feel about not wanting to trust him. I told my husband to drop everything, don’t talk to a single girl. EVER. He did. He grew up a lot. We still have our troubles but all in all it is ok.

 

Here is what I think that I would do in your situation. I would through him a bone. Tell him ok, you can go to the party. BUT I am going to go out with my girlfriends that night too. Don’t constantly worry about him and what he is doing. Since you know how to catch him in his lies, this should be easy. Just ask him how it went, who did he dance with but stay calm through it all.

 

What if he messes up? The way I see it is he has done so much to change and be so supportive and loving especially since he hasn’t ever had a stable relationship..

 

Make sure that you have a back up plan but you might give it a try.

 

Im not saying to forgive and forget of course not! This will be a way to help you cope and for him to work back some trust. Talk to your counselor about it and see what they have to say about it.

 

P.S. I have all details online in a private locked down site as well. This is a good thing. Hang onto it.

[Rose1977]

My husband cheated on me with my best friend almost a year ago (D-Day is coming..... :$).

 

I know how you feel about not wanting to trust him. I told my husband to drop everything, don’t talk to a single girl. EVER. He did. He grew up a lot. We still have our troubles but all in all it is ok.

 

Here is what I think that I would do in your situation. I would through him a bone. Tell him ok, you can go to the party. BUT I am going to go out with my girlfriends that night too. Don’t constantly worry about him and what he is doing. Since you know how to catch him in his lies, this should be easy. Just ask him how it went, who did he dance with but stay calm through it all.

 

What if he messes up? The way I see it is he has done so much to change and be so supportive and loving especially since he hasn’t ever had a stable relationship..

 

Make sure that you have a back up plan but you might give it a try.

 

Im not saying to forgive and forget of course not! This will be a way to help you cope and for him to work back some trust. Talk to your counselor about it and see what they have to say about it.

 

P.S. I have all details online in a private locked down site as well. This is a good thing. Hang onto it.

 

 

Thank you. I am so glad there are people here who can see that he really has changed and also people who have experiences where their significant other really did change after cheating. He knows I am going to my hometown tonight with my son b/c we have to do something and this is the only date it can be done, but I know you know what I mean about throwing a monkey wrench into this. I don't want to be calling every 30 seconds. His actions made me feel worthless and unloved, which I still struggle with. That's kind of why I don't want to bother with calling him tonight. I want to let him wonder why I stopped caring enough to check up on him. Of course, I didn't stop caring, but I want him to get a taste of what it felt like to be unwanted, uncared about. I do know in my heart he won't cheat tonight. he probably thinks I hired a freakn detective to watch him all night... do you think I should do that? LOL, kidding. I guess part of me still is in a bit of revenge mode... I want him to go out, but I want him to wonder why I don't care enough to call and check on him 13 times. I know this doesn't make sense except to someone else who has been thru it. The hard part is putting it into action and really NOT calling. The good news is, the party starts at 6, and my son and I and my ex-husband will be in a meeting from 6-7, so that kind of takes one hour out of the equation where I HAVE to foocus on something else. Right now I'm focusing on scrubbing my bathroom floor so I don't call him at work asking more questions about tonight. The good news is his infidelity has led to a super clean house Thanks for your advice.

[Rose1977]

My husband cheated on me with my best friend almost a year ago (D-Day is coming..... :$).

 

I know how you feel about not wanting to trust him. I told my husband to drop everything, don’t talk to a single girl. EVER. He did. He grew up a lot. We still have our troubles but all in all it is ok.

 

Here is what I think that I would do in your situation. I would through him a bone. Tell him ok, you can go to the party. BUT I am going to go out with my girlfriends that night too. Don’t constantly worry about him and what he is doing. Since you know how to catch him in his lies, this should be easy. Just ask him how it went, who did he dance with but stay calm through it all.

 

What if he messes up? The way I see it is he has done so much to change and be so supportive and loving especially since he hasn’t ever had a stable relationship..

 

Make sure that you have a back up plan but you might give it a try.

 

Im not saying to forgive and forget of course not! This will be a way to help you cope and for him to work back some trust. Talk to your counselor about it and see what they have to say about it.

 

P.S. I have all details online in a private locked down site as well. This is a good thing. Hang onto it.

 

 

And OMG with your best friend? That is a tough one. I will have to find your original posts on how you dealt with that, I don't want to make you recount all the details again, especially wit D-Day coming up. I thought mine doing it with a hooker was a tough pill to swallow, but I think the best friend thing is right up there on the list of most hurtful things you can do to someone. At least I didn't have a relationship with the hooker, so I didn't have to deal with that aspect of pain as well. I'm all for a threesome here and there but the hooker wasn't even cute . Congratulations on making it through this year and working things out, I hope that this time next year I will be in your position, and able to give people advice on how to cope instead of being so angry and insecure like I am now.

[quankanne]

this whole thread has red flags in it, and it's very troubling to hear that you're more focused on revenge than anything else. And that doesn't bode well for a future with a man who is relationship "retarded" – he's going from not having any real significant relationships to being with someone who is still hurting from all the whammies SHE'S had to deal with ... and who now is resorting to blackmail to keep him in line. That's not how healthy relationships work.

 

you obviously care for this guy, and if he's jumping through hoops, he obviously cares for you. But at some point, one of you is going to start resenting the other for making so many conditions on the relationship. The only positive thing I've read in your posts is that you understand you must get out of "revenge mode" and start healing the relationship.

 

having that dossier of your guy might make you feel better *if* something happens in the future, but it doesn't say a whole hell of a lot about you that's positive. It's one thing to be hurt and to let him know that he hurts you with his behavior, and another to line up preemptive strikes. Do you really want that to be the foundation of the relationship with a man you profess to love? Or are you just afraid of losing what might be the best thing that ever happened to you, and *this* is the only way you can keep him where you want him? Again, it's breeding grounds for resentment, and at some point you're just going to have to bite the bullet and admit that you trust him ... or you don't.

 

but stop wasting your time trying to control a situation by refusing to let the relationship grow naturally. You deserve better than that, and he deserves to know what it is to be in a healthy, long-term relationship where respect and understanding and forgiveness is mutual. Because at this point, all you've got is a recipe for disaster.

[Rose1977]

Quankanne,

 

I truly am not focused on revenge, my main foocus is fixing this relationship with him, though you are right, my methods may not be the best. and you are right - he has jumped through hoops and then some to prove to me he has changed and wants this relationship to work. I don't WANT to be the angry bitter woman. I want to be happy again and stop feeling worthless. That's why I came here... I truly feel like we are building this relationship back up from the ground and I don't know how to do it, so I have to ask people who have been through it.

 

I guess what I am having trouble letting go of is the concept that he did this - repeatedly - to me, and I'm the one who has to suffer for it. And that's where this need for "blackmail" or "revenge" comes into play with me. I just don't know how to let it go yet. I am TERRIFIED of feeling what I felt before. It scares me more than anything, and I am not proud of what I have resorted to in an effort to try to ensure it won't happen again, but at the same time, I have not yet learned how to deal with all these feelings. That's why I'm here.

[Rose1977]

Frozensprouts (love the name )

 

Yes. I just talked to him and he actually asked if I was okay with tonight and I told him I am nervous, but that I am okay with him going. I asked him to call me when he got there and he said that he would call not only when he got there, but during the party, when he left, and when he got home. He had originally said he was only staying for half and hour, but I told him I am okay with him staying longer, so we agreed on 2 hours, which I really am okay with. I am aware that the lockdown situation is not condusive to a successful relationship, and in the end, would probably just lead to more cheating realistically. It's just this first step of releasing the shackles that has me nervous. I hope it gets easier after the first time, and it definitely does not help that I will be out of town tonight. But I am hopeful that this is the first step to healing and rebuilding trust.

 

And to answer your question, he is well aware that I will leave if infiidelity occurs again and that I have the means to leave. And he's really bad at cheating. He is so easy to catch it's ridiculous.

 

Thanks for your reply I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to read all of this and give me their honest opinions. It helps so much to hear what others think AND to get this off my chest.