Futuregirl Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 They say that the more you invest, the longer you are in something, the harder it is to leave. Also, there's something called creeping normalcy, where you accept one thing, then a little worse, then a little worse until one day you find yourself tolerating the intolerable... your concept of "normal" has changed. Another reason it is important to get out of something wrong ASAP. For those of you with experience in the dating game: At what point do you cut your losses and get out? Does anyone have any tricks or guides for how to gauge this? Is just one incident enough to show you what the person is like? How do you prevent yourself from getting too involved with the wrong person? Tnx
Rose1977 Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 Wow, loaded question I know what you mean about the creeping normalcy thing. I think the key with that is to nip small problems in the bud before they become bigger ones. If there is one thing I have learned through my many relationships and one marriage, it is that communication works best when both people are calm and rational, not immediately after something occurs or when either party is angry. I have found most people really are capable of goood communication as long as the timing is right. As far as cutting your losses: First of all, I don't think a relationship is ever a loss. Even though ending a relationship can break your heart and hurt in a way you've never hurt before, we learn something from all of our relationships, and it makes us pickier about our next one so we (hopefully) don't fall into another bad/unhealthy or just not meant to be relationship. I believe losses should immediately be cut in several situations: 1. When either party is being physically abused. That type of behavior will not change. Ever. 2. When there are children involved who are seeing fighting/unhealthy interaction on a daily basis. 3. MOST TIMES when there are drug/alcohol issues that are not being addressed. I have found it is just an unhealthy situation. Other than that, I believe counseling works wonders for people trying to save a relationship they feel is failing or for helping people determine if they should stay in a relationship. The only real gauge is your happiness. If you are miserable, and do not feel your partner will change, I feel it is usually best to get out, but that depends on certain things and situations vary. Are you married? Age? Are there children involved? Once again, every siituation is diifferent, and I am a HUGE advocate of couples counseling to try to work through these tough decisions. As far as one incident telling you what a person is like, the only one that I feel is a dealbreaker is physical violence. Other than that, iif you want some reassurance that people do change, read my post about infidelity. My relationship has been riddled with infidelity (on his part), but we are working through it. I would regret it now if I had left him after he cheated, because now I am seeing the man he truly is. As foor your last question.... if I had the answer to that I would be a millionaire! It's a mistake we have all made, and it's only through dating and realizing what woorks for you that you figure out what kind of man is right for you.
nice-easy-day Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 They say that the more you invest, the longer you are in something, the harder it is to leave. Also, there's something called creeping normalcy, where you accept one thing, then a little worse, then a little worse until one day you find yourself tolerating the intolerable... your concept of "normal" has changed. Another reason it is important to get out of something wrong ASAP. For those of you with experience in the dating game: At what point do you cut your losses and get out? Does anyone have any tricks or guides for how to gauge this? Is just one incident enough to show you what the person is like? How do you prevent yourself from getting too involved with the wrong person? Tnx I've done this time and time again with women in my lifetime. I get my heart all wrapped up in a girl and then get my heart broke. Right now I'm healing from one such accident. Easy word of advice. Listen to your close friends and family. They've never been wrong for me once. -Lovin' eyes can never see-.
zengirl Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 They say that the more you invest, the longer you are in something, the harder it is to leave. Also, there's something called creeping normalcy, where you accept one thing, then a little worse, then a little worse until one day you find yourself tolerating the intolerable... your concept of "normal" has changed. Another reason it is important to get out of something wrong ASAP. For those of you with experience in the dating game: At what point do you cut your losses and get out? Does anyone have any tricks or guides for how to gauge this? Is just one incident enough to show you what the person is like? How do you prevent yourself from getting too involved with the wrong person? Tnx Whenever your relationship -- or anything -- makes you feel bad, self-reflection is needed. This should happen very rarely. If it becomes a habit or a pattern that my relationship brings me pain, I opt out.
AverageJoe Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 You know when you start to compromise yourself, who you are, your being, the person you know as yourself. Too many people have a problem saying the word 'no' in a relationship. Its not a bad word, yet it reverberates that negative connotation in many instances. It really shouldnt be that way. The moment I see that I have to compromise myself (also known as someone trying to change you) I am out. OUT!
Madgick1 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I think the first time you think: "Break up" or "Divorce", it's time to call it quits. It seems like nothing is ever really right after that (altho there are of course exceptions...)
Eeyore79 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I cut my losses at the point where I realise the relationship has no long term potential. Regardless of how much I'm into the other person, or how lonely I'll be afterwards, or whatever else - if there's no future then I'm out. If someone cheats or is violent, that's a one-strike-and-you're-out situation. Other things might have to happen for a while before I notice the pattern and decide it isn't going to change. It took me six months to realise that my last ex had a pattern of spending too much time with his ex-gf, mentioning exes too often, and generally being bad-tempered and selfish. When I was younger, I used to hold onto relationships a lot longer in the hope that the other person would change. Nowadays I just decide they're obviously not right for me and cut them loose without wasting any more of my time. Six months is usually my guideline. If I still want to be with someone after six months, the relationship might have a future.
Sanman Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I am currently in the midst of such a question with my current gf. I know I have a tendency to try everything to make a relationship work and usually stay in longer than I should. However, I have started to realize a few things. I don't think that changing is necessarily a bad thing and over the course of your lifetime you will likely need to change many times to adapt to life circumstance and changes in your SO. However, when you find yourself needing to change significantly in order to maintain your relationship and you get nothing out of it yourself, it is time to stop. A healthy relationship is about a good balance of give and take. The question then becomes whether the problems in the relationship are those that are worth living with or if it is something you are willing to accommodate by changing yourself. Otherwise, the relationship will never work in the long-term as you cannot expect another person to change for you. You should always be comfortable in the relationship despite the problems or it is not worth it.
zengirl Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I think the first time you think: "Break up" or "Divorce", it's time to call it quits. It seems like nothing is ever really right after that (altho there are of course exceptions...) I think it's different if you're talking divorce. Most married couples will think about divorce at one point just because it's so prevalent today, and I was just reading a book (really about happiness, not relationships, but it had some stuff on marriage) that had a study in it saying that couples that dealt with this issue honestly---actually looking into the good and bad things a divorce would bring into their life---had a tendency to be able to reconcile the marriage generally and get through the bumps. I think if you've been together a good long time, are married, and especially have kids, it's only natural that some frustration might build to the point where the giant I NEED A BREAK mentality might lead you to ponder divorce but it depends to what degree. I just think that's different from breaking up in shorter term (even LTRs) situations.
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