Guess we didn't meet at the right time and he's emotionally unavailable...

[hopefully]

Hello folks,

 

I've been reading the posts on the forum since yesterday and I'm starting to feel much better. Thank you guys in advance!

 

I'm writing out my story and any comments are welcome

 

I was seeing this wonderful guy for 4 and half months and just out of blue he broke up with me last Sunday, saying he didn't feel that our relationship are growing into a deep connection one he expected. The breakup talk was actually very sweet. He still likes me very much, but doesn't think that we could build a relationship in the future.

 

He's a really decent guy, hardworking, respectful, smart and funny. I'm 28 and he's 33. We have similar background and share the same values and philosophies, although we are from different countries. (We are both foreigners working in the US). The 4 months together has been great. We hit it off at the very beginning.

 

However, in the past 2 months, his schedule got really hectic, he traveled around the world to meet the suppliers and manufacturers for his company and we could only meet for a few hours a week. And recently he's been starting some kind of business with his co-workers. Although I could feel that he's kind of withdrawing, I've been playing the supportive girlfriend role: non-demanding, non-needy and for our weekly meeting, I always cook something special(I'm a good cook ), so if he's really busy on the following weekdays, he would have something healthy to eat.

 

And with this crazy schedule, I could tell the problem: we don't have those deep conversations as often as before. I think it's understandable that when you only have a couple of hours together, you would want a relaxing time. And I was planing to use the upcoming holiday season, when we both have more time, to deepen our relationship. Deep connections wont appear out of thin air. People have to work on it. And he's not really trying lately. Obviously now I've lost the chance.

 

And until our breakup, I didn't know that he might be emotionally unavailable. He's been really sweet and affectionate. I knew he is a widower before we dated and I assumed that he was ready again. And I didn't ask the details about his previous marriage since I think it's private and he would tell me more when he's ready.

 

On the day of the breakup, he told me everything about his marriage, which is quite a sad story. His late wife became a serious alcoholic person over the years and and just about a month before we met, his late wife passed away because of a seizure, probably alcoholism related. During the years, he's talked to different experts trying to help, but no use. He didn't love his wife anymore but felt responsible to help her. In the end, his wife was filing a divorce with him and before it finalized, she passed away.

 

During our time together, he's not seeing anyone else. Even after the breakup, he has no plan to get into a relationship. He's probably emotionally unavailable and I appeared at the wrong time to unconsciously helped him recover from the trauma.

 

So guys. what do you think? The only problem is that I still like him very much. I know you would tell me to move on, but it would be great appreciated if you could share your experience and opinions. It would be lying to say that I don't dream being together again. It's just so sad.

Edited December 8, 2010 by hopefully

[hopefully]

The more I read on this forum, the more I feel that I'm only a rebound for him to distract him from the previous disaster. It's so unfair. I have been very sincere and devoted:(

[2sure]

If his wife, regardless of the circumstances, DIED a month before he met you...I'm surprised he was able to even date you and not surprised he is not emotionally available.

 

Either that or he is married and his wife is alive and well. His world travels would make that pretty easy.

[hopefully]

If his wife, regardless of the circumstances, DIED a month before he met you...I'm surprised he was able to even date you and not surprised he is not emotionally available.

 

Either that or he is married and his wife is alive and well. His world travels would make that pretty easy.

 

His wife has passed away. That's for sure. I saw the obituary notice and also heard about it from friends. And his travels are true too.

 

He was married for 7 years with a alcoholic. I guess I'm really just a temporary emotional shelter for him. It's just unfair.

[2sure]

Oh honey. No its not fair. But his actions were not purposefully hurtful.

Its just what you said - bad timing.

 

Be sad, then let it go. It might simply appear that only the timing is wrong...but the fact is...when its RIGHT nothing insurmountable will be wrong.

 

Dont think of him as the one who got away, it just wasnt meant to be.

Easy to say I know.

No cure for a broken heart.

 

But really , you know - you must be someone really special for him to have been interested at all and then find out he just didnt have enough to offer you. His kind reasons , like no deep connection dont matter when things are really right. The connection deepens regardless of time and space.

[hopefully]

Thank you 2sure. Thank you for the poetic reply. I'm actually feeling much better ever since I started reading on the forum. This is a magically healing place:)

 

I know he didn't want to hurt me on purpose. And I know that I'm special to him. Even at the breakup conversation, you could still tell he likes me. But just as you said, he just doesn't have enough to offer.

 

I guess when people just get out of an abusive relationship, they are eager to be loved again. Maybe later they find out that they still have to deal with some internal issues, and unintentionally hurt the other party along the way...

 

It does hurt, to be honest.

[hopefully]

Now I know what is a emotion roller-coaster. I was feeling really good yesterday afternoon. I actually have the illusion of being fully healed. And the I woke up in the middle of the night for no reason and couldn't fall asleep again or get him out of my head...This is really tough...

[january2010]

It is still very fresh for you and that's why you'll alternate between periods of feeling okay as well as not feeling okay.

 

I would take it as a learning experience. You were there for someone who needed you. You helped him further along the road of healing but it didn't work out for the both of you.

 

That's not to say that something might not happen in the future when he is in a better place but right now, not only does he not really have the time, his heart is not open enough to let you in. And I don't want to give you false hope that things will work out.

 

Your best bet is to focus on you and your own healing for now. Then you'll be ready for the next experience, whether it is with him or someone else. If he contacts you again one last time, come to an agreement for no contact, at least for 6 months. This is important for your healing because every new contact with him is a potential source of new pain for you.

[hopefully]

Thank you Jan for the kind advice, I appreciate it.

 

So guys I have another question: usually how long does it take for me to fully recover? I know no matter how strong I am, the healing will take some time. And I don't want to start dating and drag anybody down the hell with me like he did. He thought he has healed, but he didn't. I don't want to make the same mistake and hurt anybody.

 

Thank you guys in advance.

[january2010]

Everyone is different. Some people recover very quickly and for others it takes much longer. Sometimes, it's not even about how long you were in the relationship for, because people can still invest a lot in even short relationships, making the relationship really intense and potentially more difficult to get over.

 

All you can really do is to keep doing what you need to do to get on with your life and put the focus back on you.

 

At this stage, I would suggest not rushing back into dating straightaway. At least give it a few months so that you know you've given yourself enough time to breathe and take stock of your emotions.

 

There is nothing to stop you from making new friends but if it develops further, it's best to be honest with them and take time to get to know them before you invest too much. Otherwise, if you rush things, you may put undue pressure on yourself, the other person and the relationship.

[BellaBellaBella]

my husband was also a young widower. His first wife died of natural causes unexpectedly. He dated several women. He had a lot of guilt to work through over his marriage and his unhappiness in it. I expect your BF has some stuff to work through. He may want to be with you but may need to deal with stuff.

[hopefully]

Thank you Jan again! That's what I thought, several months, would be fair both for me and for anybody who I might date. It would be very difficult for me. This guy is my first serious relationship.

 

In my native country, people usually only start dating after college or in the last year of college, because traditionally you are not supposed to date while you are still at school. Life there is very competitive and finding a good job is the top priority. And After graduate school I came to the US to work. This year I finally feel I'm comfortable enough in the new country to start a relationship.

 

So even though I'm almost 29, I have very limited experience in the dating field. But this is a valuable learning experience for me. Next time I'll make sure both parties are emotionally available before getting into anything serious.

 

I just cannot believe how bad I feel today...

[hopefully]

my husband was also a young widower. His first wife died of natural causes unexpectedly. He dated several women. He had a lot of guilt to work through over his marriage and his unhappiness in it. I expect your BF has some stuff to work through. He may want to be with you but may need to deal with stuff.

 

Thank you Bella for sharing your story. You know, the most difficult part to get over this relationship is not that we are not compatible or not getting along, is that everything is actually great except that he's not really ready. I mean if we broke up because of constant disagreement or cheating, I probably will feel quite relieved, but now...

 

Anyway, I guess it's over.

Edited December 10, 2010 by hopefully

[hopefully]

I'm feeling pretty good again. Probably because I gradually understand his mental status. He's in a worse place than I am. I should stop being narcissistic.