Futuregirl Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 It has been almost 5 mths. I have seen signs of unreliability and I'm lacking signs of reliability: Signs of unreliability : -ditched me after making Saturday plans with me when I turned out to really need him (I was temporarily blind and in excrutiating pain) -called me a whiner for walking slowly and not making eye contact (I handle pain well and did not complain) -took me to a huge party, he was stressed and treated me with no respect. I felt like dirt. (It was so bad that I had to quietly excuse myself into a cab) -sometimes he says things and doesn't do them "Let's go away for Christmas" then his plans change and he doesn't inform me. That's one example. I feel like he could drop me or turn on me suddenly... Lacking signs of reliability: -lives with his mom @30 and seems to want to stay, yet claims to want to move faster toward a future with me. -hates his job and talks about quitting and taking time off (like the whole winter). Hasn't stayed at a real job for longer than a year. -doesn't have any other committments or hobbies I could use as signs of stability or reliability. I feel like these do not necessarily indicate anything BAD about him, but don't give me the opportunity to see stability which I need to see. On the other hand he has a lot of good qualities: -willing to spend money, do little things for me, attentive in the bed room, will talk to me and support me about career stuff... I'm in my 30s and not getting any younger. I've got lots going for me brains, looks, career, no games, I care about people.. and I'm trying to be careful about who I spend my time being exclusive with and for how long. Any ideas?
O'Malley Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 -ditched me after making Saturday plans with me when I turned out to really need him (I was temporarily blind and in excrutiating pain) -called me a whiner for walking slowly and not making eye contact (I handle pain well and did not complain) -took me to a huge party, he was stressed and treated me with no respect. I felt like dirt. (It was so bad that I had to quietly excuse myself into a cab) Do you feel the needs you require in a relationship are being met? The above behavior is what you can expect of him in the future when any kind of stressful situation -- illness, children, finances -- comes up. He's there for you when he chooses to be, but he will be absent or hostile when he feels inconvenienced or burdened. That's not a solid, understanding partnership by any means. And this is besides the fact that he's unreliable in other major aspects of his life: his career prospects, his living situation, even the carrying out of plans.
Author Futuregirl Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 I think I'm in denial. I keep thinking I might be able to negotiate this with him.. or that he stepped on my toes, I said where the boundary is, and that as long as I'm defending my boundaries it will be ok. Maybe some things shouldn't even be done once?
Surrealist Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I think he's reliable. In so much that he is reliably unreliable. And you can rely on that. Now as a woman in your 30s, don't you think it is about time you grow out of these bad boys and start trying to find the nice guy before it is too late?
paleblue Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I think he sounds unreliable. I dont think it sounds like he is solid at all.
Eeyore79 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 -ditched me after making Saturday plans with me when I turned out to really need him (I was temporarily blind and in excrutiating pain) If he was genuinely busy, then fair enough. But if he ditched you because you were unwell, that's not very nice -called me a whiner for walking slowly and not making eye contact (I handle pain well and did not complain) Unacceptable. A decent boyfriend will be kind and sympathetic if you don't feel well. I'd be kind to someone who felt unwell, so I expect the same in return. -took me to a huge party, he was stressed and treated me with no respect. I felt like dirt. (It was so bad that I had to quietly excuse myself into a cab) Again, unacceptable. Treating someone like dirt is never a nice way to behave. -sometimes he says things and doesn't do them "Let's go away for Christmas" then his plans change and he doesn't inform me. That's one example. I can't really fault him for this - people say a lot of random things that they don't follow up on, and if you didn't make firm plans then he wasn't obliged to stick to them. -lives with his mom @30 and seems to want to stay, yet claims to want to move faster toward a future with me. Oooh, no no no! Run away as fast as your little legs can carry you! A man who can't stand on his own two feet at the age of thirty isn't going to make a very good partner. -hates his job and talks about quitting and taking time off (like the whole winter). Hasn't stayed at a real job for longer than a year. Lack of steady employment is a dealbreaker for me. If I were you, I would dump him. In fact I'd probably have dumped him after the party episode when he treated me like dirt; I won't stand for poor treatment from anyone. I might be willing to make allowances regarding living with his mom, not having a steady job, etc... but bad behaviour, not treating me nicely and not acting in a loving and caring manner would be an immediate dealbreaker. It sounds to me like you know he's a loser, but your biological clock is ticking and you're wondering whether he's bearable and is better than nobody...
Jynxx Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I have to agree with everyone who replied here so far. Even if you would be exagerating I don't see this turn into a stable and fulfilling relationship
forrest Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I find it interesting that the first good quality you list about him is "willing to spend money." That doesn't compute when right before that you said he can't hold a steady job. I am wondering if you are willing to take on his debts when you get married, and with what you described, I am sure there is plenty of that.
Author Futuregirl Posted December 10, 2010 Author Posted December 10, 2010 The $$ thing is because I had a bad experience with an ex who wouldn't spend a cent. I really thought I had picked the good guy.. geez... he's not even great looking.. I was dating way hotter. I liked him in particular because he's interesting, seemed very gentlemanly and unselfish.. seemed to treat me really well.. do things I like, respect me etc.. But then the same guy has had episodes of serious insensitivity and disrespect a few times now. I have a hard time negotiating which "mistakes" are a strike out on the first blow, and which warrant another chance. The work and mommyliving, I was going to put a time limit in my mind about when the cut off point is for seeing him on his own and in a long term job situation. The plan was to just leave at 6 mths if the info about reliability still isn't there. I obviously still have a pretty bad radar for nice guys. A toxic family and /or a history of toxic relationships can really do a number on your sense of normal and your natural gauge. I have to actually come on here to try to get a sense of what's ok and what's not. Thanks everyone for your insight.
Pfiend101 Posted December 11, 2010 Posted December 11, 2010 Pimp still lives wih his ma @ 30 = WTF???? Seriously, what up with womyn getting with loser type nerds who still live wi their mamas, no jobs, no status, no game? Word homie.... word
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