husband wants seperation

[kgregory922]

My husband and I have been married 1 1/2 yrs. We both have children from past marriages. His kids live out of state and are older 19 and 21. My daughter lives with us, she is 12 and is high functioning mentally handicapped. The first year of marriage we had problems with his ex wife and his kids but we worked through it. I thought we were a strong couple and we were happy. This is the happiest I had ever been. August 2010 is when I started noticing that he was pulling away, he seemed distant. I just assumed it was issues with his kids etc. October I found out he had been talking to a female co worker about problems in our marriage. I was hurt but I was ok with the fact that he just needed someone to talk to. A week later I found out that they had been texting back and forth, they were texting late at night, when he was out alone and basically whenever he could without me noticing. This really hurt and I confronted him and her, she told me they were just friends, he stated the same. He told me that they talked about me and my daughter, our issues and that there was "innocent flirting". I demanded the relationship/friendship to stop and we began marriage counselling. Counselling was good for the first couple weeks and then it seemed to get worse, he walked ot on a session etc. then the bomb dropped. He told me he loved me but didnt want to be married anymore, said that he wanted to be alone. Told me it had nothing to do with me as a wife.He said he feels trapped, anxious, angry, tension etc.. He also told me that my daughter was driving him crazy and he didnt know if he wanted to be a step father to her, she has had some behavior problems and we are starting to have a behavior analyst come to the house to help. He told me everyday was a battle in his head, he analyzes everything and he doesnt stop obsessing over things. Last Thursday I found out he was secretly calling people looking for an apartment. I freaked out and I felt so betrayed, he said he did "in case" we didnt work out. Last friday evening he told me he wanted space, we decided we would seperate for a month and date, give us time to reflect and think. Saturday morning I helped him pack, he kept saying "maybe we shouldnt do this" maybe this isnt the answer" I dont want to do this etc .. I insisted it had to be done. He had recently been treating me like crap and had been very mean to me. He hesitated leaving several more times and he finally left. About 15 minutes after he left he text me saying he didnt like the way this felt, he felt alone,foolish and like a real idiot. He finally checked into a hotel, called me and told me he loved me. the whole night I cried, I couldnt sleep and made myself sick. The next day he called and said he wanted one more day and that he would be home the next day after work. I was anxious all day, we had talked and communicated the whole time he was gone, he told me he missed ame and wanted to come home. Monday evening when he got home everything seemed ok, we talked, I told him he needed to work on these issues he was having etc... The next evening the bomb dropped again, he came to me and said he didnt want to be married anymore, he didnt want a relationship, he wanted to be alone. I asked him why he came home, he said, he missed me he thought he could work out all the feelings of wanting to leave but they were too strong. So now we are going to seperate again, I realize that 2 days wasnt long enough, this time were going for a month and we'll go from there. I am so freakin confused hurt etc .. I feel like my whole world is falling apart. I have given this man my heart and soul. I truly believed that he was my soulmate, we were so happy at one point. I dont understand what happened? I love you but I want to be alone? We have no financial issues, I have my own money, I own my home. I am a great catch and he is willing to throw it all away? I cant comprehend this and it is tearing me apart inside. I am at a loss. I am a laid back easy going person, I have an open mind, I respect and love him for who he is (something he has never had before). I am good looking, funny, sense of humor etc. What the heck is going on? Anyone please help, I am desperate to understand. I should add , he is 42 and was in the Air Force 20 yrs, he was married for 19 yrs to a woman who was bipolar and controlling. I am 37, I was married for 10 yrs. I have given so much to this marriage and I have hope but I am dying inside. Kim

[carhill]

Hi OP, welcome to LS

 

Some questions:

 

How long had he been divorced when you began your relationship?

 

How long did you date before you became engaged/married?

 

Presuming he's been aware of your daughter's condition all along, did he present this current attitude about her at any time in the past?

 

Have you ever met and/or substantially interacted with his exW?

 

I have a few friends/acquaintances who are medicated bi-polar and can say, nicely, that one must be careful around them, especially in cross-gender situations. He might still have an old push/pull going on with her that sucks him back in.

 

Lastly, don't rule out a mid-life crisis type scenario, especially for a career military guy. We have a number of active-duty and retired career military men on the forum and I hope they'll offer their perspective.

 

Since you are stable, I suggest taking it one day at a time. He'll do what he does. Life will go on. My sympathies.

[kgregory922]

he was divorced for 3 1/2 years.

I have talked through texting with his ex wife, she didnt like it and was nasty towards me. We had to have her number blocked cause she was harrassing us.

We have talked about him being bi polar because of his mood swings (jekyll and hyde) he claims he's not, he also says that this isnt a mid life crisis.

His relationship with my daughter seemed promising and they would "hang out" watch movies etc.. Now he wants nothing to do with her.

He has started drinking alot also

I am trying to understand but it is hard and its painful.

[carhill]

When was the last time he had a physical examination?

 

Has he seen battlefield duty during his career? If yes, did he ever have a post-duty psych eval to gauge his psychological state?

 

IMO, drinking is a sign of self-medication, for what I have no idea. I would strongly suggest that he get a medical examination at the earliest possible date. Get a baseline established. I know you have no control over what he does, but, since communication lines may still be open, do what you can.

 

My instinct is he will be back.

 

If you agree to separation, make sure it has boundaries. It's not a license for him to 'date' other women (same for you, wrt men), as an example. You're married. Set the ground rules.

 

At this point, given your goal here is likely to maintain a stable and healthy environment for your daughter, I'd get legal advice to make decisions which effect that goal and/or any others you might have.

 

The cr@p that happens at the holidays...blah....

[kgregory922]

He was in Afghanistan for 6 months. He was a medic in the AF. He has a disiblity rating from the military because of depression which he is being treated for. He has had several physicals and Psychological evals done.

I think he needs a psychiatrist, he needs his meds adjusted or something but try telling that to a stubborn medic who thinks he knows it all.

[hopesndreams]

October I found out he had been talking to a female co worker about problems in our marriage.

 

There's your answer.

[carhill]

Thanks. That's good information.

 

At this point, I'd have a clear conversation about the separation, ground rules and what you *want*. This way he goes into the separation hearing clear words from you (and you from him). Then, proceed to do what you need to do for the health and safety of you and your daughter.

 

His contact with his exW, in marked contrast to the issues which her behaviors raised during the first year of your marriage, was an important signal which I'm glad you followed up on with MC. There's a really good chance that he has an unhealthy emotional attachment to her and that is part or most of the underlying 'got to be alone' story you're getting from him.

 

The reality of him preferring to end MC or at least not be a willing participant, as it was quite recent, tells me more about his present focus. He's apparently not open to introspection and dealing with the base issues of 'got to be alone'.

 

I hope you'll get some other perspectives. If possible, and if *you* found MC to be beneficial, I'd suggest a couple IC sessions to gauge whether such help can assist you in processing this separation. I found such help can help with clarity and acceptance, bringing some emotional peace to the process. YMMV.

[kgregory922]

October I found out he had been talking to a female co worker about problems in our marriage.

 

Please explain ?? I honestly dont believe there was an affair. All communication except for work related conversing has been stopped.

[hopesndreams]

A week later I found out that they had been texting back and forth, they were texting late at night, when he was out alone and basically whenever he could without me noticing. This really hurt and I confronted him and her, she told me they were just friends, he stated the same. He told me that they talked about me and my daughter, our issues and that there was "innocent flirting".

 

A few weeks later, he leaves you. He then chickens out and moves back home. A couple days later he is wanting out again.

 

He wants out of a M that is only 1 1/2 years old. He is stressed out by your daughter and finds comfort from another woman. A work mate no less. See where I'm going with this? Tell me, is his "friend" married?

Edited December 8, 2010 by hopesndreams

[carhill]

Since August, until separation, how proactively transparent has your H been in his communications?

For example, my exW could use and peruse my phone at any time, had my passwords for e-mail and financials and was aware of the specifics of my participation here on LS and could read my postings if/when she chose to. She didn't ask for that. It was a given and proactive.

 

BTW, I might have confused the work colleague with his exW in some of the actions, affecting perceptions. Has he had verifiable contact with his exW since you 'worked things out' awhile back?

 

I certainly find it odd, absent life crises and being in the 'honeymoon' period of the marriage, that all this would transpire.

 

Where are your families in all of this? Parents, siblings, etc? For example, my parents are dead and I have no siblings. I know I'll be spending the holidays alone or perhaps visiting friends. What's it like for you all?

[kgregory922]

A week later I found out that they had been texting back and forth, they were texting late at night, when he was out alone and basically whenever he could without me noticing. This really hurt and I confronted him and her, she told me they were just friends, he stated the same. He told me that they talked about me and my daughter, our issues and that there was "innocent flirting".

 

A few weeks later, he leaves you. He then chickens out and moves back home. A couple days later he is wanting out again.

 

He wants out of a M that is only 1 1/2 years old. He is stressed out by your daughter and finds comfort from another woman. A work mate no less. See where I'm going with this? Tell me, is his "friend" married?

She is not married. She is 8 yrs older than him and just had a hysterectomy. Guess that doesnt matter though. I just dont know when he would be connecting with her. His phone shows no calls or texts. He comes right home after work, he never goes anywhere. I have asked him over and over and over if he was having an affair. Both of us have even stated that this situation would be much easier if we did cheat. I dont get it. If it is an "office romance" should I back off and let it fizzle out? I know that most work relationships, if it has become sexual/emotional dont work out. Its easier being single. this sucks!!

[kgregory922]

Since August, until separation, how proactively transparent has your H been in his communications?

For example, my exW could use and peruse my phone at any time, had my passwords for e-mail and financials and was aware of the specifics of my participation here on LS and could read my postings if/when she chose to. She didn't ask for that. It was a given and proactive.

 

BTW, I might have confused the work colleague with his exW in some of the actions, affecting perceptions. Has he had verifiable contact with his exW since you 'worked things out' awhile back?

 

I certainly find it odd, absent life crises and being in the 'honeymoon' period of the marriage, that all this would transpire.

 

Where are your families in all of this? Parents, siblings, etc? For example, my parents are dead and I have no siblings. I know I'll be spending the holidays alone or perhaps visiting friends. What's it like for you all?

He hates his ex wife. I dont understand it. He claims she put him through holy hell but there are always 2 sides.

He has always been quiet when it comes to emotions and feelings. He has been more distant over the past 2 months.

He isnt close to his family, He had a rough childhood. I am close to my family. Both of our families are 1000 miles away.

[kgregory922]

He hates his ex wife. I dont understand it. He claims she put him through holy hell but there are always 2 sides.

He has always been quiet when it comes to emotions and feelings. He has been more distant over the past 2 months.

He isnt close to his family, He had a rough childhood. I am close to my family. Both of our families are 1000 miles away.

I have access to his email accounts. The only thing I dont have anymore is his bank account info. He changed that 2 weeks ago, he stated he did it because he was trying to keep some control.

He came into this marriage with hardly a thing. I own my home, his car is in my name cause he couldnt get a loan etc ..

[hopesndreams]

She is not married. She is 8 yrs older than him and just had a hysterectomy. Guess that doesnt matter though. I just dont know when he would be connecting with her. His phone shows no calls or texts. He comes right home after work, he never goes anywhere. I have asked him over and over and over if he was having an affair. Both of us have even stated that this situation would be much easier if we did cheat. I dont get it. If it is an "office romance" should I back off and let it fizzle out? I know that most work relationships, if it has become sexual/emotional dont work out. Its easier being single. this sucks!!

 

You were onto them and they went underground. Is she his superior at work?

 

Did your H ever cheat on his 1st W?

[kgregory922]

You were onto them and they went underground. Is she his superior at work?

 

Did your H ever cheat on his 1st W?

 

She is 1 level above him. He works for the government. Hes a Gs8 and I think shes a Gs9. He claims he never cheated on his ex wife.

Underground? Meaning what?

[hopesndreams]

Email accounts you have no idea exist. Another phone you know nothing about.

 

Is he still in the house with you?

[kgregory922]

Email accounts you have no idea exist. Another phone you know nothing about.

 

Is he still in the house with you?

Yes he is ..

[hopesndreams]

Investigate. Go through any and all of his belongings and whatever else is around. A thorough search.

 

You have asked him over and over if he is having an A. You wouldn't have done that if your gut didn't tell you to. Listen to your gut instinct.

 

If there is no interloper in your M, you stand a very good chance of recovering it, BUT, his poor communication skills and his inability to cope with stress will always be there unless HE does something about it.

 

He has always been quiet when it comes to emotions and feelings.

Edited December 8, 2010 by hopesndreams