My POF Journal ( Rate my Emails)

[VertexSquared]

In my opinion, learning social skills is something best done by simply getting out there and talking to people. You figure out what works and what doesn't. It's hard to "explain" to someone how they should act because social style is something that should feel natural. I could describe to you exactly how to ride a bicycle, but you aren't *really* going to know how until you do it on your own enough. And you're going to fail countless times until you start to get the hang of it.

 

For someone who's looking for short flings, you're trying way too hard in your messages. And, honestly, they could be a bit more interesting and funny. They come across as dry and interrogative to the point of pulling teeth.

 

Until then though, fake it till you make it. "Don't think you are -- know you are." Be a bit of a badboy in your messages, but don't be blatantly rude. Be lighthearted with your humor. Connect a little, first. For instance, instead of making it obvious that "Hey we have this and this in common! Hey, glad to hear someone else likes this too!", etc, try just *talking* about those things without lead-in. You're trying too hard to establish a rigid structure of communication. In my opinion, you need to aim more for the content itself and the implications of such.

Edited December 16, 2010 by VertexSquared

[Sarah1977]

 

I don't believe this is true. And if it is, it shouldn't be like this.

 

Then you're in denial, buddy. I just started a FWB situation myself and the difficulty wasn't in starting one, it was in picking amongst all my available options. I was seriously laid by the end of the day. Let's be real, here.

 

In fact, I just asked a friend of mine via IM, "If you needed sex right now, how many men could you call with the guarantee that you'd get some tonight?"

 

She thought a moment and said, "4. Definitely, at least 4."

 

And she is 320lbs.

[BackUpOrGetStung]

You're saying that with all the barely-literate jackasses "hollerin" at girls in text-speak on online dating sites, mine are terrible?

 

Absolutely. Every single one I've seen. There are just as many literate jackasses saying cheesy, lame things to girls as there are jackasses that are "hollerin". Lets look at your most recent two, and I'll point out how they scream desperation:

 

1)Message: I don't think ANYONE likes country.

PS, I'm a bit of a caffeine fiend myself.

What do you do for fun?

 

Again, you are just grabbing things from the profile and trying to point out a similarity, in a cheesy way. All you did was agree with something very minor in the scheme of life and highlight a completely pointless fact about yourself. There's no substance to either statement, what is she supposed to glean from those statements that would make her want to respond? It's also very choppy message, it jumps around too much. Simple and direct is what you want. It's clear you only wanted to ask what she likes to do, yet you threw in some nonsense that just makes you look weird. Do you honestly think a like for coffee and a distaste for country music makes you two compatible? "Hey" "What do you do for fun?", would be much more likely to get a response.

 

2)Title: Wait... girl drummers are REAL?

Message: I thought girl drummers were just an urban legend; you know, from the movies, like "Scott Pilgrim" and ****.

Anyway, cool you play keys and guitar. You should mix the 2; get a keytar.

I actually play bass myself; classic rock and pop covers mostly, plus some rock-style interpretations of R&B and hiphop songs.

What type of music do you play?

 

This was just dumb, you started off by not only alienating her, but in a chauvinistic way too, then went on to do it again in the first sentence of the message. After you change the title to a normal greeting, the message should read, "That's cool, you play keys and guitar. I play bass myself; classic rock and pop covers mostly, plus some rock-style interpretations of R&B and hiphop songs. What type of music do you play?" I don't understand what the extraneous garbage was supposed to do for you?? Don't try to be funny until you're actually engaged in conversation, otherwise you come off as presumptuous/arrogant/cheesy if it isn't funny(your jokes never are) by automatically assuming she is interested.

 

Now, onto your profile.

 

I play bass in a band and love the feelin of an audience havin fun listenin to us - its my biggest passion!So I'd love to meet a cool,fun girl who'd put up with comin to watch me on stage at the weekends

 

Starts off okay, but you go on to state that you're basically looking for a cheerleader. Maybe change it to, "I'd love to meet someone with an interest in live music."

 

I Love the sun, love the snow, winter hiking is a dam cool challenge - and I've travelled to loads of cool countries-life is an adventure for me and if u are a cool girl, I bet it is for u too.

 

"Winter hiking is a brutal workout, love it." "dam cool" = lame. "I've traveled to <insert country names here>, and am always up for an adventure."

 

Work full time in a science field - I like the mental challenge - cant be all about the music.

 

Get rid of the like about the mental challenge, it makes you sound...mentally challenged.

 

Oh yea and the important part - I'm fairly easy on the eye - dirty blond in surf season but brown by winter, (insert height, whatever here).

So if u like the sound of all this then hit me up with a msg and I'll take u out for the best coffee in town.

 

You don't need to describe your looks, you have a picture don't you? Lastly, this profile looks like it was written by a "barely-literate jackass" in "text speak". Change that.

[BackUpOrGetStung]

I also think you really just have an unfounded sense of entitlement, and it oozes through, literally, everything you write, and that is your biggest turn off. You can't even understand why these girls aren't just throwing themselves at you. You're probably a smart guy, but you treat everyone as though they're of less intelligence, maybe its because you're a molecular biology scholar or have been top of you class through school or whatever?

 

I think you should take up a foreign activity, to you. Something you're interested in, but are not good at, so you can struggle, and build character(and confidence) from it. I suspect that you're really good at the few activities you do, and you think that transfers over into other aspects of life..not the case.

Edited December 16, 2010 by BackUpOrGetStung

[U1987]

 

You don't need to describe your looks, you have a picture don't you? Lastly, this profile looks like it was written by a "barely-literate jackass" in "text speak". Change that.

 

All of it or just the small parts you suggested? Because the one you just rated was written by Phillyfan. This below was my original.

 

I study molecular biology at _______. I want to specialize in either neuromuscular biology, virology or environmental microbiology. I also work part time at ________. My coworkers are really cool, and the customers always make it a lot of fun (I never would have imagined how strange some people could be until I started working at the mall)

 

I enjoy reading (about science and current events mostly). I've traveled to Southeast Asia, Central America and Europe.

 

I appreciate modern art and will go to any museum and art gallery more than a couple of times. I also love live music, and will go anywhere that has a band playing (jazz and classic rock especially)

 

I'm not super-outdoorsy, but I love being out in the sun and chilling in the heat in humidity. I love winter-hiking though (more of a challenge and there aren't any bugs or mosquitoes)

 

I also play bass guitar for a local cover band. It's my biggest passion. There's nothing is more thrilling than playing in front of an audience, big or small, and they're all dancing and singing to you.

 

I have some avant-garde tastes, but most of all, I'm a bit of an 80s nut. I'll be smooth when I need to be, but a bit of a goof when I want to be.

 

I thought that was good but everyone else said it was boring and loved Phillyfan's.

[U1987]

Your profile stood off the page; you come off as sharp and laid back, and I can really appreciate your humor. I think we'd enjoy each other's company, so let me know if you want to chat more. Have a good one!

 

I set up a second second fake account to experiment with (this one in Chicago), and I want to carpet bomb the city with this message; just send it to as many girls as possible to see if it works.

 

Just one concern though. You're always railing against "desperation," but I think "I think we'd enjoy each other's company," sounds desperate. As for "I can really appreciate your humor," a lot of girls don't put humor on their profiles. How would this sound instead?

 

Your profile stood off the page; you come off as sharp and laid back, and I can really appreciate your style. I think we'd enjoy chatting face-to-face, so let me know if you want to chat more. Have a good one!

[oaks]

I set up a second second fake account

 

Online dating already has a poor reputation for people who aren't what they seem and people who aren't really looking for a relationship. Please don't add to that.

[U1987]

Online dating already has a poor reputation for people who aren't what they seem and people who aren't really looking for a relationship. Please don't add to that.

 

Like I said, I live in a pretty suburban area. The pickings are pretty slim around here. You only get one chance at a first impression, so I want to get better at writing messages by practicing on girls in other cities before I go for girls in my area.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Your profile stood off the page; you come off as sharp and laid back, and I can really appreciate your style. I think we'd enjoy chatting face-to-face, so let me know if you want to chat more. Have a good one!

 

My prediction: Any responses you get to this without a single exception will be from bots or pros. NO regular woman on a dating site will respond to such obviously generic spam.

 

If they want to be FWB, or even just get laid, most of them probably have some guys in their lives who are more than willing to roll around with them for fun, NSA. They don't need to find random guys on a dating website for this. Are you aware of this truth?

 

I don't believe this is true. And if it is, it shouldn't be like this.

Unfortunately, it is true, believe it or don't. I think all men and women here (except you) will back me on this.

 

To answer your question about how to improve your social skills; what Vertex said:

 

In my opinion, learning social skills is something best done by simply getting out there and talking to people. You figure out what works and what doesn't. It's hard to "explain" to someone how they should act because social style is something that should feel natural. I could describe to you exactly how to ride a bicycle, but you aren't *really* going to know how until you do it on your own enough. And you're going to fail countless times until you start to get the hang of it.

 

Your experiments with all these fake accounts, cribbing other peoples' posts, presenting yourself as you think other people would like you to be in order to get casual sex ARE A MONUMENTAL WASTE OF YOUR TIME AND WILL NOT SUCCEED.

[BackUpOrGetStung]

Just one concern though. You're always railing against "desperation," but I think "I think we'd enjoy each other's company," sounds desperate. As for "I can really appreciate your humor," a lot of girls don't put humor on their profiles. How would this sound instead?

 

Don't use that exact message, but use it as an outline and make slight tweaks to fit the profile. I was showing you what I would have said to that specific girl you were talking about, not giving you a blanket message to send. The line about enjoying each other's company is a vague and general, and lets her wonder "Why would we enjoy each other's company?", and then she looks at your profile. Vague, general = limited interest; Specific = desperate.

 

I think your original profile is way better than the trash phillyfan suggested, and actually reads fairly similar to mine, still needs work though. I'm a fan of parentheses, and sometimes I probably use them too much, but you are in a league of your own.

 

I study molecular biology at _______. I also work at ________, and my coworkers are really cool, and the customers always make work fun.

 

I enjoy reading, mostly science and current events. I've traveled to Southeast Asia, Central America and Europe and am always up for an adventure. I appreciate modern art and will go to any museum and art gallery more than a couple of times. I also love live music, and will go anywhere that has a band playing (jazz and classic rock especially) I'm not super-outdoorsy, but I love being out in the sun. I really enjoy the challenge of winter-hiking though.

 

I also play bass guitar for a local cover band, and it's truly my passion. There's nothing is more thrilling than playing in front of an audience, big or small. I have some avant-garde tastes, but most of all, I'm an 80s nut. I'm serious when I need to be, but a bit of a goof when I want to be.

[U1987]

My prediction: Any responses you get to this without a single exception will be from bots or pros. NO regular woman on a dating site will respond to such obviously generic spam.

 

That was my main concern when BackUpOrGetStung suggested it.

 

I'm familiar with bots on dating sites, but what are pros?

Edited December 17, 2010 by U1987

[BackUpOrGetStung]

Mme. Chaucer, I agree with everything you've said in this thread so far, except,

 

"NO regular woman on a dating site will respond to such obviously generic spam."

 

His message was not the same as mine, but the message I used, was virtually the same message for every girl I got off POF, and the reason I quit using the site is because I felt really guilty for using so many good people then having to toss them aside when I was done, after building them up and making them think I really liked them. It got to the point where I couldn't even do it in person or on the phone. When it got to the point that I would just ignore people and couldn't even text them that I was done, is when I stopped, because I felt like a such a coward.

 

It does work, and well, just gotta send enough messages. One thing I'm not sure of, is how my looks and career played into things. I've been told I'm attractive or very attractive, and have been accused of being or looking like a player by many women who have just met me, so perhaps the number of responses was just because of how I look? I've never been able to judge for myself and have always been a bit self conscious about the way I look, but I guess that's consistent with good looking women, so maybe I am too. Not sure what the OP looks like. Career also helped me out I think, which the OP doesn't have. Like I told him, the first message should be to get them to check out your profile and have them reply based on that..I doubt most of the PoF ladies I ****ed read my initial post more than once.

 

I think I experienced a bot once, and never encountered a hooker.

[dispatch3d]

I vote go for another round.

 

Also ignore the haters. You get something out of sending these messages to girls. You figure out what they respond to and what they don't.

 

It's like women believe dating works like it does in movies. You meet the person who is perfect for you, since your personalities match so well you fall hopelessly in love, and live happily ever after.

 

The reality is 90% of guys get screened on arbitrary ****, (like having too many specifics in the first message).

 

Anyhow I be hatin. I'll chill out.

[BackUpOrGetStung]

You get something out of sending these messages to girls. You figure out what they respond to and what they don't.

 

Absolutely right, and this is how I developed my method. My messages looked a lot like yours do, U1987, in the beginning. I was being so specific and getting no responses; switched to vague/I don't give a **** messages(which was how I really felt) and I had to start messaging girls more selectively because of how many responses I got.

 

You have been doing the same thing that doesn't work, over and over, without changing anything.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Mme. Chaucer, I agree with everything you've said in this thread so far, except,

 

"NO regular woman on a dating site will respond to such obviously generic spam."

 

His message was not the same as mine, but the message I used, was virtually the same message for every girl I got off POF, and the reason I quit using the site is because I felt really guilty for using so many good people then having to toss them aside when I was done, after building them up and making them think I really liked them. It got to the point where I couldn't even do it in person or on the phone. When it got to the point that I would just ignore people and couldn't even text them that I was done, is when I stopped, because I felt like a such a coward.

 

It does work, and well, just gotta send enough messages. One thing I'm not sure of, is how my looks and career played into things. I've been told I'm attractive or very attractive, and have been accused of being or looking like a player by many women who have just met me, so perhaps the number of responses was just because of how I look? I've never been able to judge for myself and have always been a bit self conscious about the way I look, but I guess that's consistent with good looking women, so maybe I am too. Not sure what the OP looks like. Career also helped me out I think, which the OP doesn't have. Like I told him, the first message should be to get them to check out your profile and have them reply based on that..I doubt most of the PoF ladies I ****ed read my initial post more than once.

 

I think I experienced a bot once, and never encountered a hooker.

 

BackUp, I'm glad you started recognizing the women as good people not deserving of being used just for your own purposes.

 

It's been said on this thread more than once and I will say it again; if you look extremely good in your pics, you will have a much better chance of getting women who want to have casual sex to respond to you than if you look average, or fugly.

 

Since you're evidently a handsome fellow, you probably have plenty of self confidence to call upon once the initial contact has been established, which certainly would have helped you get into all those ladies' panties.

 

Our OP does not have confidence like this ... or he would not be seeking words from other guys to use in his fishing expeditions.

 

And, just FYI to all, I am not a hater. I sure have a problem with dishonest people and particularly with the concept of people intentionally using others and employing falseness to accomplish this ... which is what the OP is clumsily trying to do.

 

If a guy can't get a woman to just have casual sex with him, knowing that no "relationship" is possible, then too bad for him. No NSA sex on the horizon!

 

I predict that the OP is not going to have success in tricking some gal into having casual sex, so I'm not too concerned. On the other hand, if any young woman does fall for his "game," I'm fearful that she be a very vulnerable and inexperienced one. I hate to see innocent people get hurt.

[dispatch3d]

Mme. Chaucer I take my mythical sword and smite thee! Ha!

 

Man I'm such a loon. Your posts seem to mostly entail "you aren't pretty enough and have no confidence". Really not helpful stuff,

 

I'm a one striking blow kinda guy tho, so uhhhh, don't expect another retort haha.

 

Heeeiiiyaaa! (ninja kick)

[U1987]

Career also helped me out I think, which the OP doesn't have. Like I told him, the first message should be to get them to check out your profile and have them reply based on that..I doubt most of the PoF ladies I ****ed read my initial post more than once.

 

I'm not too concerned about my looks. I'm no male model, but I'm pretty confident in my appearance.

 

What was your career?

 

Does retail (even if it is a popular, upscale fashion company) sound sexy and exciting to young women?

[U1987]

And, just FYI to all, I am not a hater. I sure have a problem with dishonest people and particularly with the concept of people intentionally using others and employing falseness to accomplish this ... which is what the OP is clumsily trying to do.

 

I don't feel the slightest thing resembling guilt or remorse.

 

Like I said, all I'm lying about is typing "looking for a relationship" on my profile. Most girls will NOT meet for a guy who's looking for casual hooking up, and any given area search will show that maybe 5% of women do.

 

It's not worth sacrificing the other 95% for those tiny few women every other guy is after, just in the name of "honesty."

 

I hope you can understand and appreciate that.

[U1987]

Since you're evidently a handsome fellow, you probably have plenty of self confidence to call upon once the initial contact has been established, which certainly would have helped you get into all those ladies' panties.

 

Our OP does not have confidence like this ... or he would not be seeking words from other guys to use in his fishing expeditions.

 

Have you read my problem? I'm NOT getting a first contact, so I don't understand how you can compare my "confidence during the first contact" to BackUpOrGetStung's when there haven't been any.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I don't feel the slightest thing resembling guilt or remorse.

 

Like I said, all I'm lying about is typing "looking for a relationship" on my profile. Most girls will NOT meet for a guy who's looking for casual hooking up, and any given area search will show that maybe 5% of women do.

 

It's not worth sacrificing the other 95% for those tiny few women every other guy is after, just in the name of "honesty."

 

I hope you can understand and appreciate that.

 

Um ... how can I put this so you will get it?

 

LYING to get a girl to have sex with you is UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR. Yes, tons of guys do it. They are pigs, just like girls who lie to men so they can get something they want are.

 

The name of "honesty" is a much greater thing than the almighty need for a guy to get his rocks off inside of some girl who is looking for love.

 

Anyway, I won't wish you luck, but carry on.

[U1987]

Um ... how can I put this so you will get it?

 

LYING to get a girl to have sex with you is UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR.

 

I don't know what I else I can say. It just does not bother me. I can't force myself to feel like you do.

 

To me, it's like a job or college application; you write about being in it for the challenge and seeing-what-you're-made-of and so forth, but really it's about the money. All the verbiage is just a foot-in-the-door.

 

Is that wrong in your eyes?

 

Yes, tons of guys do it. They are pigs, just like girls who lie to men so they can get something they want are.

Believe me, I have long been against the commit-or-no-sex game, but it's not comparable; a committed relationship is a lot more to ask for than sex. Like I've said before, there really is no logical reason to put such a high wall and barrier around sex. If a girl gets "lied to" or "used" for sex, it's because she gave men no other choice than to resort to that. It really is her fault.

 

The name of "honesty" is a much greater thing than the almighty need for a guy to get his rocks off inside of some girl who is looking for love.

You really can't understand what it's like for a guy in college to be unwillingly celibate. It sucks. Really, it feels terrible, like hunger or thirst. It makes a guy feel worthless. And no, friends and hobbies don't work to make it feel better. There's still something missing during and after. I don't know how I can convey this to you.

 

Anyway, I won't wish you luck, but carry on.

I just don't understand why you can't just give some constructive advice. I don't understand why you bother to post just to belittle and nay-say. Like dispatch3d said, how does saying "you're not attractive/confident enough" help anyone? (You haven't even seen my profile. How do you know I'm not attractive enough?)

 

What do you want for me to do?

Edited December 19, 2010 by U1987

[Sarah1977]

Send me your pic. Ill tell you if you're attractive enough.

[U1987]

It's a dating website. How could anyone's intentions not be obvious?

 

Intentions are not obvious because you can be looking for anything and it's a lot easier to get laid if you have girls thinking you want a relationship,

 

Like I said, that's why I put "looking for relationship" on my profile. I was worried that that would look desperate compared to "looking for dating" but a lot of people here suggested. "Looking for intimate encounter" is definitely not an option.

 

What did you put in your POF? "Looking for relationship" or "looking for dating?"

[zengirl]

I don't know what I else I can say. It just does not bother me. I can't force myself to feel like you do.

 

To me, it's like a job or college application; you write about being in it for the challenge and seeing-what-you're-made-of and so forth, but really it's about the money. All the verbiage is just a foot-in-the-door.

 

Is that wrong in your eyes?

 

Everyone knows you're taking a job for the money, at least somewhat. If you are lying on your resume or entering into agreements you have no intention to fulfill, then yes, it's wrong. For instance, telling a company you promise to stay there at least a full year, when you plan on leaving the area in the next few months and just want cash for awhile. . . that'd be morally wrong. Lying on your resume? Morally wrong. Lying in your college essay? Morally wrong.

 

You just said, "I lie at everything. How is dating any different?" Well . . . I guess it isn't. It's all morally wrong. Putting a little bit of a shine -- writing the resume or dating profile the best way possible, while having honest intentions (to get a job, learn skills, make some money, and do the best you can for the company, or conversely, to find a short-term situation where you can contribute and you can make some quick cash/to make a significant and strong relationship with another human being, or conversely, to have a mutual NSA hookup with both parties honest and happy about it) is fine. Lying about your intentions to get something -- sex, money, whatever -- is morally wrong and pretty gross.

 

Believe me, I have long been against the commit-or-no-sex game, but it's not comparable; a committed relationship is a lot more to ask for than sex.

 

Who are you to choose what is more to ask for? To me, a committed relationship is a joy and NSA sex would be psychologically harmful. Now, I've never been fooled by players -- and I doubt you'll really fool anyone -- but the point is: You don't get to decide other people's priorities or what is a lot to ask for in this realm. To some people, sex IS a major thing.

 

Like I've said before, there really is no logical reason to put such a high wall and barrier around sex. If a girl gets "lied to" or "used" for sex, it's because she gave men no other choice than to resort to that. It really is her fault.

 

It's her fault you had to lie because she didn't want what you wanted? Seriously?

 

I will say that girls need to be responsible and aware so they don't accidentally have sex with guys who think like you. Even if they want to have NSA sex, they should go for the men that respect women and approach sex honestly. Though, really, it's sad that girls have to take responsibility to analyze men so closely if they don't want to be used for sex. It's sad that good men have to deal with making sure they don't project too sexy a vibe and get confused with the likes of you.

 

You really can't understand what it's like for a guy in college to be unwillingly celibate. It sucks. Really, it feels terrible, like hunger or thirst. It makes a guy feel worthless. And no, friends and hobbies don't work to make it feel better. There's still something missing during and after. I don't know how I can convey this to you.

 

Oh, poor, poor you. No excuse for lying to people. That is probably the most self-absorbed thing I've read in awhile.

[theBrokenMuse]

If a girl gets "lied to" or "used" for sex, it's because she gave men no other choice than to resort to that. It really is her fault.

This sounds an awful lot like, "If a female doesn't give a man NSA sex then it's perfectly acceptable for that male to use trickery to obtain it at the expense of the female" and your logic behind this is, that he wouldn't of had to resort to trickery if she had just gone ahead and eliminated her own needs and wants in order to suit his? That sir, is pure d***hebaggery.