KJones Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 So, my fiancee and I are getting married in six months. I have a few issues that are making me not able to trust her. Please provide me your insight. There have been a few issues that I have discovered over the past 6 months or so that make me uneasy. One specifically - she has this one particular (one only) guy, who can't see her relationship status on facebook (shows that she is engaged) as well as pictures of her and I. He is specifically blocked from both. I confronted her on this and she said he was a guy that she used to like, but no longer did. That "she liked him in college, but he always had a bunch of girls and she no longer liked him". That they were just friends and occasionally text each other. She insisted that he knew we were engaged and kind of nervously laughed as if he were pissed or something. She said she would unblock him if I wanted her to, but I told her it was ok that I trusted her. I asked why he was blocked, and she said that he is weird about that stuff. The weekend before her moving in with me (a year ago), she said she was going skiing with her girlfriend and informed me that she would be leaving on Saturday morning. That friday night I was chatting with her (via text) and she said she was at dinner with her girlfriend. I said to have fun and drive safe in the morning. She responded with ok, love you. Last night, while gathering pictures for our slide show at the wedding, I ran across some pictures of this skiing trip. There were some pictures from that friday (could tell from time stamps on the photo's), when she was "out to dinner", of a group of them in a hotel room hanging out, this guy above was included in the pictures. And some from Saturday of the group on the slopes, guy also included. Now, should I be concerned about this guy that she is "friends with" and is oddly blocked from facebook pictures and her relationship status. Secondly, what should I do about her telling me that she was leaving in the morning, but she was obviously there already? I should also say, this was in NC and was the weekend before she moved (to florida) with me. I know nothing has happened since this, as she has been living here for a year. Am I looking to far into this? Should I understand that she is here with me now and move on? How should I address this with her?
Bryanp Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 There are many red flags here. She lied to you about the trip and the guy friend. She clearly does not want this guy to know that she is engaged and has a boyfriend. If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would put up with this. I do not think she is being honest with you and has engaged in disrespectful behavior. I would think twice about marrying her. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
phillyfan Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 Woahhhh there, maybe u just have such a cutie that guys try and get wit her...maybe she had a suspicion he likes her so blocked him, cause shes good 2 u. All I am sayin is dont rush in there wit a crazy suspicion else u mite wreck somethin amazing.
TaraMaiden Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 Your first line should read, "So, my fiancee and I are NOT getting married in six months, and will not even think of doing so until the few issues that I have, which are making me not able to trust her, are completely resolved, one way or the other. This alone will give me all the insight I need. " OK??
Am So 5crewed Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 I am definitely not going to tell you what you should or shouldn't do. Only you know that and your reasons for your actions. BUT, she lied and deceived you. Personally theses issues for me are kind of major because why would you lie if there was nothing to hide? And if someone was going to lie about something small they for sure would lie about a big thing. Unfortunately I think her actions show lack of respect which makes me think that it is going to get worse in the future. And let me guess this straight, they went out for dinner friday and then sking on Saturday? So where did they stay that night? I, unfortunately' am talking from experience as I have had very similar situations. And let me tell you; "leopards don't change their spots....actually they get spottier......."
DuskCrush Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Hmmm...this is tough to call. Maybe you're over-reacting/getting cold feet/really on to something...you need to ask her about it about the pictures.
wicar1 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Clear your doubts before you get married. get answers. Always trust your instincts. It is clear she lacks respect to you and she's not being honest. Those are not good signs. If needed postpone or even cancel your marriage plans. Make sure she's marriage material before you marry her. good luck p.s ... Being single is far better than being in a marriage with a s****
phillygirl Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 (edited) HI K- Personally, I think you and your SO need to sit down and talk this out, PRIOR to marriage. I don't see this behavior correcting itself without intervention. Also, I'm not so sure that she is being deliberately decietful; yet might be in the transition of "what's appropriate for dating/single is not appropriate for married" behavior. Many young people will learn that certain "friends" can't be brought into a marriage. Especially those friends with "fuzzy boundaries." The whole FB thing is waaay too complicated for me to give you a real opinion:-) . My only advice on that one is that if he's blocked, let him stay that way. My advice, discuss appropriate boundaries for your marriage. If not, you risk that it will not improve once you're married. Good luck. Edited December 9, 2010 by phillygirl
Author KJones Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 So, we spoke last night. She said he was just a friend and nothing happened. They did go skiing and they had two rooms, but didn't tell me because she didn't know how I was going to react. She expressed that she has had trouble explaining these things to me because of how I may react. Nonetheless, it was a lie and she fessed up (after me prying) that it was indeed a lie and apologized. She did say that that was the past and she is marrying me and to forget about it. She said that she broke ties with this person. Further, we are going to start pre martial counseling stat.
Jynxx Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Don't do it. While you can be sure she will be on her best behaviour for the comming 6 months, this will be because she wants to marry you and not because she feels she did something wrong by hurting you. Once you're married she will probably go back to her old ways, which means showing a lack of respect and honesty to you. Get out while you still can, if you want you can continue the relationship and reevaluate the marriage idea in a year or so, but personally I think it's highly unlikely your relationship will even last that long.
Bryanp Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Your girlfriend justifies lying to you by telling you you that she lied because she did not how you would react if she told you the truth.....What the hell. This means she is quite comfortable lying to you in the future if she feels you would react badly to the truth. Why would you believe her that she and this guy slept in separate rooms in the hotel if she know that by telling you the truth would make you react badly?. I do not know how you could believe anything she says now or in the future.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 So, we spoke last night. She said he was just a friend and nothing happened. They did go skiing and they had two rooms, but didn't tell me because she didn't know how I was going to react. She expressed that she has had trouble explaining these things to me because of how I may react. Nonetheless, it was a lie and she fessed up (after me prying) that it was indeed a lie and apologized. She did say that that was the past and she is marrying me and to forget about it. She said that she broke ties with this person. Further, we are going to start pre martial counseling stat. Ok... you see how she flips this lie back on you and makes it your fault? That should tell you something. Do you believe pre-marital counseling will make her a different person? I would start talking about postponing the wedding and see how she reacts.
USCGAviator Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 I know your looking here for advice but your gut is the best whore detector. Use it and it will not fail you. Take your evidence to her and call off the wedding. History repeats itself, especially in this form. It's better to know now before your legally binded.
samspade Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Further, we are going to start pre martial counseling stat. Huh??? Let me save you some money and time: CANCEL THE ENGAGEMENT. Walk away, don't look back. Listen to your instincts. She's FB friends with the guy. She doesn't tell you he's going on the ski trip. The ski trip, by the way, was a red flag in and of itself. Anyway then she blames you for how you "would have" reacted. Let her go so she can continue having fun with her friend. If you have any self-respect. By the way, people here may tell you that you have "issues" or are "insecure." Sorry dude but even if she didn't bang him, her behavior is inexcusable. A woman who is truly invested in her man would not even allow the pretense of such an indiscretion. She has demonstrated that she doesn't care about losing you. Dump her.
Chi townD Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 It was in the past, she's marrying you and YOU need to forget about it? Really? They had two rooms, who stayed in what rooms? You might want to remind her that you two were an item in that past! Something doesn't smell right here my friend. Ask her if she'd be open to a polygraph before you even consider marrying her. But, most people here would say don't waste your money and dump her, and I'm leaning toward their opinion. Just reading your statements screams that she wants you to forget about it, she doesn't want to tell you the truth of what happened and move on to marry her.
Chi townD Posted December 10, 2010 Posted December 10, 2010 Woahhhh there, maybe u just have such a cutie that guys try and get wit her...maybe she had a suspicion he likes her so blocked him, cause shes good 2 u. All I am sayin is dont rush in there wit a crazy suspicion else u mite wreck somethin amazing. Sorry Phillyfan, I think the OP was saying that she only blocked this guy from seeing her relationship status and her pics as to give off the impression that she wasn't with anyone.
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