Making sense of it all

[ASPIE]

Hi!

I am a new poster, 3years into a happy, fulfilling relation with my soulmate and love of my life, stbxmm.

 

Although i am very happy to be with stbxmm, i am struggling to with the non-straightforwardness of our relationship.

 

My ideal love storey: two sixteen yearolds, him boy-her girl, orphans, fall in love and live happily ever after..

 

Reality: alienated adult step-kids, bitter stbxw, guilty exmm, guilty but un-apologetic BOW.

 

Would love to hear about real messy rewarding relations...

 

Also if anyone is in the early stage of a relationship with a mm and are hearing too much bull**** about he's a liar-liar and its doomed, and every little thing he does is used against him, i can give my perspective..sometimes hanging on in there really does work out

 

Aspie

[calliope]

Hi. I'm new as of yesterday. Can you read my OP and comment? I'd like to know how your situation worked out and if you can shed some insight on mine.

[ASPIE]

i just did!

 

damn the naysayers and carry on regardless.

 

Only a minority of all relations work out (what hell on earth would it be if we had to stay til we died with the first person we dated/ slept with?)

 

But i think if someone is still there for you under the hard-hard conditions of an affair, that someone is in to you in a way you may not get again if you live to be a 100. And it is much harder for a sensitive, kind, trustuworthy mm (which I am sure you have got) to go through this mess than it is for an OW..

 

So give him some slack...and yourself even more...but try not to dump it on him (girlfriends, chadonney, loveshack)

[woinlove]

i just did!

 

damn the naysayers and carry on regardless.

 

Only a minority of all relations work out (what hell on earth would it be if we had to stay til we died with the first person we dated/ slept with?)

 

 

That's a straw argument as no one is going to disagree with that. However, some people feel it is not "hell on earth" to live with integrity and honesty and repair or end a marriage before beginning another. That is the point people disagree on and different people will carry different baggage around for ignoring this. Sounds like you won't carry any baggage, which is fine for you. But some OW and MM will, as they have values which an affair and the related deception/betrayal violates, and they are wise not to ignore that. Following the advice to "carry on regardless" is likely to make them unhappy.

[Mimolicious]

Hi!

I am a new poster, 3years into a happy, fulfilling relation with my soulmate and love of my life, stbxmm.

 

Although i am very happy to be with stbxmm, i am struggling to with the non-straightforwardness of our relationship.

 

My ideal love storey: two sixteen yearolds, him boy-her girl, orphans, fall in love and live happily ever after..

 

Reality: alienated adult step-kids, bitter stbxw, guilty exmm, guilty but un-apologetic BOW.

 

Would love to hear about real messy rewarding relations...

 

Also if anyone is in the early stage of a relationship with a mm and are hearing too much bull**** about he's a liar-liar and its doomed, and every little thing he does is used against him, i can give my perspective..sometimes hanging on in there really does work out

 

Aspie

 

 

But since we all know that the world is not "IDEAL"....

 

The bolded- "Reality" sounds AMAZEBALLZ:rolleyes:.

So tell us, what's really good in your hood? because if you're "reality" is anything like what you have posted on here, what's "Working out"?

[ASPIE]

You know, one fifth (one in five) of all relationships start when one partner is already in a long term relationship. That makes us OW pretty much ordinary...

 

The point you don't get is the OW/OM is the way out of a diminishing and second rate relationship. Many MM and MW are t trapped, diminished, bullied that they really think their only option is staying married.

 

They are told over and over again, you are so lucky to be with me they start to believe it. They only way they can get the balls to step out of benign abuse is if someone says 'it doesn't have to be like this'

 

My mm ( i think he is not unique) did not really want to get married; wife insisted. He didn't really want kids; wife insisted. He didn't really want a SAHM and all the financial burden on him. Wife insisted. He did not want to become a child-oriented household; Wife insisted.

 

And now she is surprised that he found a relation which isn't all about him rolling over and doing things he doesn't want and he gets better more frequent sex, and somehow he likes it? He must be very bad or wicket.

[ASPIE]

to mimolicious,

you know, sanctified married women spend hours on the internet agonising and/or bitching about their relationship with a) widowers: adult children hate dad's new girlfried; b) mothers in law: just evil, nasty wicked people; c) ex-wifes: usually psycho--serial killers, d) step-children: especially girls, spoilt entitled princesses

 

And is any different for OW? No. Is it any worse? No. If i had come as a virgin bride to my lovers bed i have just as much chance of being rejected by his kids and family, as he has of mine.

 

Get over it. Nasty people will be nasty, nice will be nice. Anyone who is nasty to me I pity and don't hate

[Mimolicious]

You know, one fifth (one in five) of all relationships start when one partner is already in a long term relationship. That makes us OW pretty much ordinary...

 

The point you don't get is the OW/OM is the way out of a diminishing and second rate relationship. Many MM and MW are t trapped, diminished, bullied that they really think their only option is staying married.

 

They are told over and over again, you are so lucky to be with me they start to believe it. They only way they can get the balls to step out of benign abuse is if someone says 'it doesn't have to be like this'

 

My mm ( i think he is not unique) did not really want to get married; wife insisted. He didn't really want kids; wife insisted. He didn't really want a SAHM and all the financial burden on him. Wife insisted. He did not want to become a child-oriented household; Wife insisted.

 

And now she is surprised that he found a relation which isn't all about him rolling over and doing things he doesn't want and he gets better more frequent sex, and somehow he likes it? He must be very bad or wicket.

 

 

So you are basically saying that he is a little "puppy" that you tell him roll over, paly dead and he does it. You are making him sound like he's this poor little lost lamb.

 

LOL! Unreal. Hey, you know your MM, we don't but if he is someone that a little "insisting" makes him create all "misery" for himself... GOOD LUCK!

Sounds like his W wanted a MAN, you know, she did M one after all. Those kids will be really happy to know one day that they were not wanted and neither was the home that they lived in.

 

Such a shame that grown a$$ adults behave this way. From what you are saying, he sounds like a poor spirit, weak character man. You good with that?

[greengoddess]

You know, one fifth (one in five) of all relationships start when one partner is already in a long term relationship. That makes us OW pretty much ordinary...

 

The point you don't get is the OW/OM is the way out of a diminishing and second rate relationship. Many MM and MW are t trapped, diminished, bullied that they really think their only option is staying married.

 

They are told over and over again, you are so lucky to be with me they start to believe it. They only way they can get the balls to step out of benign abuse is if someone says 'it doesn't have to be like this'

 

My mm ( i think he is not unique) did not really want to get married; wife insisted. He didn't really want kids; wife insisted. He didn't really want a SAHM and all the financial burden on him. Wife insisted. He did not want to become a child-oriented household; Wife insisted.

 

And now she is surprised that he found a relation which isn't all about him rolling over and doing things he doesn't want and he gets better more frequent sex, and somehow he likes it? He must be very bad or wicket.

 

lol sounds like a total wimp just like charles. If he did not want to get marrid and have kids he would not have. So um do his children know he didn't want them that his wife "insisted." I guess she held a gun to his head whn they had sex too. How silly. Spineless ball-less wonder.

[woinlove]

How has your MM reconciled with himself that fact that he didn't want any children and now he has children?

 

I know people who didn't want children, but after having them, they were so grateful they did - grateful that they didn't miss out on being a parent. Doesn't sound like your MM is one of these or he would be grateful to his W for this particularly unique and rewarding experience that life has to offer.

[TigerCub]

Also if anyone is in the early stage of a relationship with a mm and are hearing too much bull**** about he's a liar-liar and its doomed, and every little thing he does is used against him, i can give my perspective..sometimes hanging on in there really does work out

 

Aspie

 

Hey Aspie,

 

Your optimism is sweet - and maybe for your particular situation its the right attitude, but the truth is there are A LOT of MMs out there that do lie. Heck, most of them actually lie about being separated when they spot a girl they want to be their OW.

 

I think that's where some of that advice you see on here telling those in the beginnings of an A situation to be careful because there will be lies.

 

Not all cases are the same, and no one has to really do anything those posters say.

 

I think, for example when I say something to someone its more based on how much pain and hurt I suffered because I didn't want to see a lot of the lies, and my perspective and advice and questions come from a genuine place where I don't want to see someone else get hurt like I did - but really at the end of the day, every situation is different and all I would hope for women out there to do is to think and not just take everything an MM says on blind faith -

 

Everyone gets out of a situation when the pain outweighs the pleasure and when actions don't match words. - that was the case for me, and I did walk away, it hurt like hell, but I did it.

 

That doesn't mean that every other woman needs to do what I did, I just hope that every woman in an A situation thinks with her mind and not her heart all the time - and that is a hard thing to do when you're right in the middle of it all.

 

Glad that your A story is happier than most

[ItsNeverForever]

lol sounds like a total wimp just like charles. If he did not want to get marrid and have kids he would not have. So um do his children know he didn't want them that his wife "insisted." I guess she held a gun to his head whn they had sex too. How silly. Spineless ball-less wonder.

 

Tee heeeee! I'm sorry, it's just that this is one of the very terms I used in my solo rant about my dumba$$ ex"MM" last night (plus, picturing a woman holding a gun to a "man"'s head during the act made me ROFL). You know, mine's not even married to the nutcase and he's still "stuck". 'cause he apparently has no FREE WILL. Whatever the eff. Sorry I'm foul, but the anger has set in and I'm glad for it.

 

It really is silly. If someone really wants to do something, they DO IT. P-E-R-I-O-D. It's a free world - I can have anything I want, I just have to go get it. That's the bottom line after all, isn't it? So what makes any MM any different?

 

I mean no disrespect to OP, cross my heart. Up until a week ago, I was under the impression that my situation was exactly what she desrcibes and was fully prepared to plug along for however long it took him to extricate him from his "prison cell". But just how much are we supposed to fall for and for how long?

[TigerCub]

LOL! Unreal. Hey, you know your MM, we don't but if he is someone that a little "insisting" makes him create all "misery" for himself... GOOD LUCK!

 

That's what I'm wondering too.

And Aspie I mean no disrespect, but if this MM is THAT easily influenced, couldn't you just "insist" that he be with you, and that he leave his W?

I mean, if "insisting" is all it takes for him to do something - you shouldn't be the OW still, you could be Wife #2.

 

Honestly, no disrespect meant, but I never understand these situations where the men act like all these things were pushed on them, but they still somehow don't have it in them to give the person THEY TRULY LOVE what they need.

[ASPIE]

I think many of you are just naive.

 

Most sociology studies have shown that women have a higher demand for marriage then men. Of course your individual case may be different, but in statistics that matters **** all. If you are incapable of understanding that what is true for populations may not be true for individuals then we will be unable to have a discussion until you have got your head round this.

 

There is no doubt that many more men are pressurised into marriage than women. Of course you can choose to believe that more women are top basketball-players than men and more men are champion quilters than women but that is your choice to be ignorant.

 

If you look around and read studies you will see it is normal for women to demand marriage and men to agree. If this is not the case please tell me about your interesting planent

[ASPIE]

that is an intelligent reply.

 

of course he loves his kids to the moon and back. i visited by bro last week who had 2 kids and is the perfect dad...unlike his wife, he knows kids have need for school fees, extra curricula etc and are a huge burden. He pays this and his SAHM wife wants another kid. He adores his kids completely, yet i can see he is completely reluctant to have another. Why>

?

He knows he will have to bear the financial burden. He would never never wish his child a way but he doesn't want another (who he knows he would love if it arrived). My husbands xwife the same. he didn't want kids though he knew he would love them if they were there.

 

but it wasn't the way he planned his life. she imposed on him

[ASPIE]

in case we are losing the plot

 

married man===soul mate

affair===happy happy happy

bw==bitter but lets hope she gets better

[woinlove]

I think many of you are just naive.

 

 

Well enlighten us! Several of us picked up on the fact that your MM didn't want children and has them. I think we all know men who we suspect don't want their children, but these are not men who most of us would like to be intimate with. I asked how your MM reconciled this for himself. Is he now grateful he has children or does he still not want them? Or something else?

 

ETA. I see your answer now. So, it sounds like he is actually grateful he made this decision he initially didn't want, right?

[bentnotbroken]

that is an intelligent reply.

 

of course he loves his kids to the moon and back. i visited by bro last week who had 2 kids and is the perfect dad...unlike his wife, he knows kids have need for school fees, extra curricula etc and are a huge burden. He pays this and his SAHM wife wants another kid. He adores his kids completely, yet i can see he is completely reluctant to have another. Why>

?

He knows he will have to bear the financial burden. He would never never wish his child a way but he doesn't want another (who he knows he would love if it arrived). My husbands xwife the same. he didn't want kids though he knew he would love them if they were there.

 

but it wasn't the way he planned his life. she imposed on him

 

So she had control over his penis and his birth control options:lmao: That's funny as hell. " NO honey...don't insert my penis into your vagina I don't want you or another kid". Anybody ever heard of a condom, vasectomy or just NO I won't do it? Apparently not this guy.

 

He has been seduced by the one eyed witch of wife.

[TigerCub]

I think many of you are just naive.

 

Most sociology studies have shown that women have a higher demand for marriage then men. Of course your individual case may be different, but in statistics that matters **** all. If you are incapable of understanding that what is true for populations may not be true for individuals then we will be unable to have a discussion until you have got your head round this.

 

There is no doubt that many more men are pressurised into marriage than women. Of course you can choose to believe that more women are top basketball-players than men and more men are champion quilters than women but that is your choice to be ignorant.

 

If you look around and read studies you will see it is normal for women to demand marriage and men to agree. If this is not the case please tell me about your interesting planent

 

 

There are men out there that don't get bullied into marriage.

 

You're right in the fact that women have a higher demand for marriage than men, but not every man out there just caves and does it when he thinks its going to make him miserable.

 

Sure, there are some out there that will, but they don't represent the entire male population

[Spark1111]

Idk....Aspie if you are happy then I am happy. Truly.

 

But there is some skewed logic here.

 

Woman do want a provider for their offspring and very well may apply pressure to marry more than men.

 

But for the life of me, I cannot think of one man who did not actively pursue the woman he did decide to marry. Not one.

 

You CANNOT make a man marry you as you CANNOT make a man love you enough to commit to you for life. You CANNOT make a man impregnate you unless you intentionally lie and trick him to, and if he fears that scenario, he only has to wrap it.

 

How many kids does he have?

 

He seems to sound very victimized by the SAHM of his children.

 

Why? Wasn't he in this relationship too?

[ASPIE]

Mileages may vary.

 

At what point did i say; statistics are completely true for individuals so if you are a woman taller than a man you must stop existing.

 

On average, women are more into marriage and committment than men. If i lie sue me.

 

This helps women trap men, and when men realise they want to get out, unfortunately they are often so abused they can't get out by demanding a divroce.

 

instead they try and signal 'would anyone want me'...and once they get these signals they leave.

 

they don't do so before because they have been so abused by women and society they don't see any other option

[greengoddess]

This all just sounds like denial. Like you don't ever even want to admit your mm could have been in love with his wife once.

[Confused4Now]

You know, one fifth (one in five) of all relationships start when one partner is already in a long term relationship. That makes us OW pretty much ordinary...

 

The point you don't get is the OW/OM is the way out of a diminishing and second rate relationship. Many MM and MW are t trapped, diminished, bullied that they really think their only option is staying married.

 

They are told over and over again, you are so lucky to be with me they start to believe it. They only way they can get the balls to step out of benign abuse is if someone says 'it doesn't have to be like this'

My mm ( i think he is not unique) did not really want to get married; wife insisted. He didn't really want kids; wife insisted. He didn't really want a SAHM and all the financial burden on him. Wife insisted. He did not want to become a child-oriented household; Wife insisted.

 

And now she is surprised that he found a relation which isn't all about him rolling over and doing things he doesn't want and he gets better more frequent sex, and somehow he likes it? He must be very bad or wicket.

I have to say I'm liking your posts ASPIE....I would have to agree with this...being a WS now divorced my xW was pretty head strong and abusive. Yes she got pregnant and yes I was convinced to get married. At the end of my 21 year marriage I was just that...felt trapped, diminished, bullied and thought my only option was to stayed married.

[ASPIE]

and so we get the lie of all lies."If he was unhappy why didn't he get demand a divorce?" And the fact that he didn't gives you the eternal moral high ground

 

Nonsense, He was made so unhappy by the marriage that he had to seek elsewhere and in doing that he realised his wife was a vicious, controlling, stupid, demanding woman, and then he committed elsewhere.

[Mimolicious]

I think many of you are just naive.

 

 

Right! But I think it reads better with a "we". You are participating in a little of it as well, hone.

 

 

My husbands xwife the same. he didn't want kids though he knew he would love them if they were there.

 

*PAUSE*

Did you just say "your husbands"? You're M too?

 

Your MM sounds like a push-over. What are you going to do with a dude that takes no stance in his personal choices?

 

Anyway, check this out- if you're so "Happy, happy, happy" in the A, then what can we do for you? Oh wait, you were not asking us anything.

 

I smell a.....

Edited December 8, 2010 by Mimolicious