pandagirl Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 After getting out of a relationship, people always say: "I just want to date." I understand being in a serious relationship and companionship, but I don't understand dating as a "sport." I also understand that dating is what leads to a relationship, but I know many people do not date for that purpose or want anything serious. I've only been single for three months, but I'm lonely -- I haven't dated/kissed/flirted with anyone since my breakup. But I don't see "feeling lonely" as a good enough reason to date. So I'm stuck in the position of not wanting anything casual, yet not wanting anything serious of emotional depth either. However, for me to actually ENJOY dating, I have to feel SOMEthing, or else it just ends up with me feeling worse about everything! So what do I do? I see my friend often and am social, but I'm still left with that sad feeling. Gah.
Star Gazer Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 Listen to "Perfectly Lonely" by John Mayer. It fits. Don't fight it. Eventually you'll lose the feeling, and want to date, want to partner with someone. Until then, don't force it.
Author pandagirl Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 I don't like John Mayer's music.... BUT! I read the lyrics, and yeah, it does perfectly fit. I have to remind myself to not fight what I'm feeling all the time, and just let myself experience things.
Kamille Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 I have to remind myself to not fight what I'm feeling all the time, and just let myself experience things. That's so true! I think the way you feel now is actually part of the healing process. When single, I generally feel "lonely" before I feel good about dating again. It's like a grey area between the sting of the heartbreak and being fully healed and back to your old self again. Patience dear Panda, patience. It's okay to feel this way - just remind yourself it won't last forever.
VertexSquared Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 After a breakup, I think loneliness is pretty common. The best remedy, in my opinion, is to see more friends more often. That did wonders for me and helped me feel a lot better about myself. Whenever I sat at home alone, it gave me too much time to think and stew over things that did nothing but cause me stress. The more I got myself out and about, the happier my thoughts became. Then when/if you feel ready to date again, you'll be in a better position to do so.
carhill Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 I would suggest, periodically, to *try* flirting with men to see how it feels. No dating required. You can do it anywhere men are. I do it with people standing in line at the store, while traveling, wherever. Doesn't matter if they're single or not. It's just human interaction. When you do it, if you're in the moment and aren't reminded of your ex, and that's consistent, then IMO you're ready for the next step. I've dated some people who are still 'involved' with their ex'es emotionally (in their psyche) and found the dynamic to be disrespectful to myself, so follow a different path. Probably the main difference between us in this regard is I'm not lonely. That's never been a feature of my psyche, being an only child and living alone for decades before getting married. Regardless, I can still empathize with your *desire* to feel connected. Even if one isn't lonely, one can still feel that desire. Everything in due time
murah989 Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 After I broke up with my girlfriend I went through some of the hardest depression + anxiety I've ever experienced in my life. I was truly alone and there was nothing on this planet that could make me feel better. That was the first two months. Around the third month I started to experiment with online dating and the like just to get my toes wet so to speak. And I even had the pleasure to meet someone who I thought was wonderful. Heres the point on this though: We ended up kissing twice and I felt absolutely nothing. No excitement, no pleasure, no satisfaction. It was almost mindless on my part. Sure I thought to myself "Omg this is happening" but that lasted 2 seconds before the loneness started to set in again. Despite what you may read in my previous posts, I'm not ready to date again. More or less I'm just frustrated about my own personality issues. Once I conquer those, THATS when I'm ready to start dating again. Get a job, and go drinking with your friends. The two best remedies in the world IMO.
Mellisa Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 After getting out of a relationship, people always say: "I just want to date." I understand being in a serious relationship and companionship, but I don't understand dating as a "sport." I also understand that dating is what leads to a relationship, but I know many people do not date for that purpose or want anything serious. I've only been single for three months, but I'm lonely -- I haven't dated/kissed/flirted with anyone since my breakup. But I don't see "feeling lonely" as a good enough reason to date. So I'm stuck in the position of not wanting anything casual, yet not wanting anything serious of emotional depth either. However, for me to actually ENJOY dating, I have to feel SOMEthing, or else it just ends up with me feeling worse about everything! So what do I do? I see my friend often and am social, but I'm still left with that sad feeling. Gah. When you get out of a relationship,you are emotionally drained.It actually feels good to be closed off and not feel anything for a while until you bounce back.Take the time to heal and recharge yourself.Loneliness is part of the process.Once you know how to deal with that loneliness and feel ok with it,you are on your way getting sound and whole again.Who knows, you might just spot some cute guy somewhere around the next corner that makes you want to date again:)
Author pandagirl Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 Everyone is so nice! Thanks for the replies. It's reassuring to hear that what I'm feeling is normal. I'm think I'm largely over my ex. I don't harbor any bad feelings towards him, but I think I'm dealing more with the residual disappointment of the failed relationship and his actions. All in due time!
NorthBound Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 It's beneficial to be single for a long period of time after a break up of a serious relationship. There is a lot to be reflected on, not only your last relationship, why you were in it, what was happening while you were together, what happened towards the end etc. But there should be a serious amount of personal reflection... 3 months is a very short amount of time. If you're looking for a quick f**k, flirting, attention etc. Dating is a quick fix but will only prolong the process of your healing. It sounds like(from what I read) you are still thinking about your ex which is completley normal. I suggest dealing with those feelings and look into why they are there, rather then trying to replace them with affection or a new fling. If you feel you are already done with that, start working on yourself... Interests and hobbies you haven't started... maybe make some new friends or spend more time with family, take a class at the local city college, find a new job... 6 months, even a full year without kissing, flirting or whatever is still a pretty short amount of time if the last relationship made a big impression. Good luck
Author pandagirl Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 It's beneficial to be single for a long period of time after a break up of a serious relationship. There is a lot to be reflected on, not only your last relationship, why you were in it, what was happening while you were together, what happened towards the end etc. But there should be a serious amount of personal reflection... 3 months is a very short amount of time. If you're looking for a quick f**k, flirting, attention etc. Dating is a quick fix but will only prolong the process of your healing. It sounds like(from what I read) you are still thinking about your ex which is completley normal. I suggest dealing with those feelings and look into why they are there, rather then trying to replace them with affection or a new fling. If you feel you are already done with that, start working on yourself... Interests and hobbies you haven't started... maybe make some new friends or spend more time with family, take a class at the local city college, find a new job... 6 months, even a full year without kissing, flirting or whatever is still a pretty short amount of time if the last relationship made a big impression. Good luck It wasn't a long relationship (only 10 months), but it was fairly serious and it did make a big impression. I'm definitely not looking for a quick fix -- that's not really the way I operate anyway. I am sure I will take my time to figure everything out before I start dating again... in the meantime, hopefully this feeling of loneliness will lessen...
ginastar Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 hey, i know exactly how you feel . i went through the exact same feelings. and I forced myself to date at one point and then felt worse after just like you said. As for me i soon realized it wasnt that i wasnt ready to date, it was that i didnt meet anyone i was into. so eventually i met someone i was interested in; although it didnt last long, i realized i will only date when im interested and its just something you cant force. hope this makes sense.
9Lives Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 This post helped tremendously to help me understand why I feel lonely but dont want a relationship. It is part of the healing process. I so want to stop yearning for my ex and stop feeling like I need a relationship to be happy. I HATE THAT SO MUCH!!! Its not like something is wrong with a relationship but i dont know if I want to be ready. Then sometimes I wish I had someone to love....I dont understand myself righ tnow.
Hopeful30 Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 Well how will you know if you feel something for someone if you havent given them a chance to go on a date?
SmileFace Posted February 4, 2011 Posted February 4, 2011 I'm lonely, but don't want to date... Me too. I don't want sex, I don't want guys in my life , I don't want to deal with rejection. Yet, I am lonely. This is stupid.
NYCGirly Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Thanks for resurrecting this thread- I'm in the same quandary. I'm lonely but I don't feel like playing the games involved in dating. It's tedious and tiresome. So while on one hand I like the freedom I get from being single and not having to worry about the mind games, on the other hand I miss being in a relationship. Gah.
depplover_1980 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I associate with this thread right now too, but I am in the process of interviewing for a casual lover from the dating sites with others in the same situation. Even that seems too much effort but the libido must be quenched and sometimes it's good to force yourself out of your comfort zone, like getting up in the morning - all right once you have!!
SmileFace Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 the libido must be quenched I like that line. :-)
depplover_1980 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 the libido must be quenched I like that line. :-) Thanks, I do tend to come out with some gems!!
Nexus One Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 But perhaps you all will enjoy watching other people date: http://tinyurl.com/4vxrfha And watch the men squirm.
SmileFace Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I will appreciate some fireflies ,just saying :lmao: Everything is faster in NY (hence speed dating). I couldn't do it - the 3 minutes will be spent trying to figure out what to actually say.
Nexus One Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 I will appreciate some fireflies ,just saying :lmao: Everything is faster in NY (hence speed dating). I couldn't do it - the 3 minutes will be spent trying to figure out what to actually say. Ah you read my firefly joke/reply, at least someone did. I think the mods didn't really appreciate it, I think they deleted the entire thread, as I can't find it anymore. What's up with that? Are they really that strict around here? To quote the Joker: "Why so serious?!".
NYCGirly Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 But perhaps you all will enjoy watching other people date: http://tinyurl.com/4vxrfha And watch the men squirm. Wow this video reminded me why I absolutely hate dating...
depplover_1980 Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Never tried speed dating and now never will.
SmileFace Posted February 5, 2011 Posted February 5, 2011 Ah you read my firefly joke/reply, at least someone did. I think the mods didn't really appreciate it, I think they deleted the entire thread, as I can't find it anymore. What's up with that? Are they really that strict around here? To quote the Joker: "Why so serious?!". :-) , but I think the thread was deleted because the OP had a link to a competiting website but I am not sure.
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