musemaj11 Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 (edited) Now you're throwing NPD into the mix? Come on now... The female ego heavily revolves around Self-Centeredness. The female idea of romance and relationship is the one in which she is the one being taken care of and she is the center and receiver of adulation and reverence, not the other way around. Edited December 8, 2010 by musemaj11
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 What the heck is going on?? He's great in every other way but this. I tried to drop some hints during our last conversation...I wanted him to know he's got a green light. But truthfully I don't think it hit home. How do I get through to him without flat out jumping him? Or should I even bother, if he's just not into it for whatever reason? When I was younger like 23... I had this tendency to be hyper aggressive. I had a first date with this really shy and passive girl... and things went really well from my perspective. When I talked to her about it the next morning, she felt like I had been exceptionally pushy and told me she hadn't wanted it. That made me feel like the scum of the earth. I racked my memory for months trying to figure out the signs I missed. I dated her for 6 months. The next woman I dated and really liked I took it super duper slow. So slowly that she told me I acted timid and that it had turned her off. For me... Id rather a girl just break it off than to ever hear again that I had been too aggressive. If you want something from him you better find a way to give him clear signals or tell him directly!
musemaj11 Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 (edited) well...i think he's gay. Or maybe not all guys are sex maniacs. Edited December 8, 2010 by musemaj11
phineas Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 if the op shared any bit of her fears from a past relationship then he is probably trying to show her he isn't in it just for the sex.
Jannah Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 The female ego heavily revolves around Self-Centeredness. The female idea of romance and relationship is the one in which she is the one being taken care of and she is the center and receiver of adulation and reverence, not the other way around. These comments are rather irrational at this point... Maybe her boyfriend is shy, maybe he wants to go slow, maybe he has something funny going on underneath the boxers, who knows. That is perfectly understandable and well within reason. So, can we not turn this into a gender debate, but rather offer the OP some constructive advice? Agreed? Great.
Author Scarlett513 Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 Thanks, Jannah. I don't feel "entitled" to anything and I'm not expecting anyone to "cater" to my emotional needs (although I do believe that any relationship involves an attempt by both parties to meet the other person's needs). I'm willing to make a move - and I thought I already did when I was the one to take the end of date kiss from kiss to makeout (well, sort of... I was trying to move it in that direction but I guess he didn't catch on). But like I said, his shyness makes ME shy. I've been in a relationship before (not my most recent ex, thats a whole other story) that lasted 8 months, and despite my making very direct moves (ie, meeting him at the door in high heels and lingerie), he continually rejected me and eventually told me it was because I was a whore (which I'm definitely not). That relationship ultimately ended because he hit me. Needless to say that situation really rattled me and my self esteem took a major hit. Now I'm worried about being rejected, about him thinking I'm a slut for making a move, or just generally repeating the worst dating experience of my life. Regardless, I already told him flat out that he doesn't need to wait until the end of a date to kiss me, and that I enjoy being physical with him. My "hints" have just been to make more sexual references and stuff, in hopes that he realizes I'm comfortable with that.
zhsoj Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 So, can we not turn this into a gender debate, but rather offer the OP some constructive advice? I could be the guy (not really). Few years ago in my mid-20s went on my first ever "date". Went "out" for some 3 months... The why for me: I was shy and inexperienced. Didn't know what the hell was expected of me. Didn't want to be pushy and disrespectful, but knew that I was supposed to be "the man" and make "a move". I didn't feel understood and I couldn't tell her. I couldn't tell what she expected of me at all and I was perpetually confused. I didn't have a chance. OP, we all have stories for why we act the way we act. You are frustrated. Since I can't talk to the dude, you either have to woman up and tell him how you are feeling, or bow out. Maybe at the moment you two just aren't capable of understanding each other enough. I can tell you after my initial failure I tried to be more "aggressive" with the next girl I went out with... Totally blew it as she really wasn't ready to move so "fast" (to be clear, so everyone doesn't think I'm a pushy misogynist or potential rapist, I was only going for a kiss when I so thought the moment was right). Tried to find a balance and understand where she was coming for a few weeks, but finally I realized all my feelings for her had gone and my self-confidence in the romance department totally shot after being turned away so many times. She never told me what she expected, and either she was giving mixed signals, or I was misinterpreting them. In hindsight I think she was really attached to her last relationship and the dude up and vanished on her. The point is that we all have a story. A background for why we are acting the way we are acting right now. You either need to come to an understanding, or don't and part amicably.
Author Scarlett513 Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 The reason for my sharing that story was in response to those who accused me of being entitled and narcissistic. Obviously if I thought it was that relevant to the issue I would have included it in my original post. I'm not "entitled," but I have my reasons for being hesitant about making the first move. It's not laziness and I have no intention of making him jump through hoops for me. As I mentioned, I really do like him. Regardless, taking the responses I've received into consideration, I made a definitive move tonight while we were together. There was some progress and I feel good about that - he seems to be loosening up with me in general, and he seemed receptive to the overtures I made tonight (I basically jumped on him for some hardcore making out). Still, he seemed shy about touching me and I'm a little worried I might have freaked him out or scared him...and I can't help that nagging feeling that he might think I'm a whore...but then again if he thinks I'm a whore for wanting to make out with the guy I'm dating, he probably isn't the guy for me anyway...
zhsoj Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 I wouldn't think you were a whore (and if I did, then I could go jump off a bridge). I would be ecstatic if the gal I was going out with jumped on me and started some making out. I'd say now is the time to have a good assertive dialog with him. Next time you see him, somehow work in "Last <whenever> when I kissed you, I felt a little unsure because you were a bit rigid. I'd love it if you were a more passionate." If he apologizes for last time, say "no worries, but actions speak louder than words." You can work in some silly flirty terms as you see fit. If the dude doesn't at least smile... Well you can't fault yourself. Good work.
musemaj11 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 (edited) I've been in a relationship before (not my most recent ex, thats a whole other story) that lasted 8 months, and despite my making very direct moves (ie, meeting him at the door in high heels and lingerie) WTF? No wonder he thought you were a whore. Initiating sex doesnt have to get to such an extreme unless you have been together for a long time. All you need to do is do the normal stuff like kissing his neck and biting his ears while the two of you are sitting on the sofa or something. Regardless, taking the responses I've received into consideration, I made a definitive move tonight while we were together. There was some progress and I feel good about that - he seems to be loosening up with me in general, and he seemed receptive to the overtures I made tonight (I basically jumped on him for some hardcore making out). Still, he seemed shy about touching me and I'm a little worried I might have freaked him out or scared him...and I can't help that nagging feeling that he might think I'm a whore...but then again if he thinks I'm a whore for wanting to make out with the guy I'm dating, he probably isn't the guy for me anyway... You see, none of us knows the guy. You are in a better position to make a judgment for yourself. To me it sounds that the guy is the prude type while you are the sexual type. Each of you has different personality and neither one is wrong. Edited December 9, 2010 by musemaj11
musemaj11 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 These comments are rather irrational at this point... They are not irrational. They are observable facts. The female idea of romance and relationship is the one in which she receives while he gives. No one can deny this.
waynebrady Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Yes but for all we know he might of made a move on a woman or two in the past and they called 'rape!' You just cannot be too cautious these days. Maybe I'm being overly paranoid about rape allegations but I don't think I would ever make a physical move on a woman without asking first. But IMO it's still making a move even though I'm asking first, I'm still the one initating it so I don't see why that would be a big deal for women. I don't want to offend anyone with this but it's way worse for a man to be falsely accused of rape than it is for a woman to get raped, the man get's his whole life destroyed... family, friends all abandon him, lenghty prison sentence for something he didn't do, go down on a sex offenders list so it will be way harder than it already is to find a job and a place to live after you do get out, getting a girlfriend afterwards will be impossible, and you'd ALWAYS get hated until the day you die. I get the impression that when it comes to rape it's guilty until proven innocent, so getting accused of it is pretty much the end right there, your life is ruined from that point...
waynebrady Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 They are not irrational. They are observable facts. The female idea of romance and relationship is the one in which she receives while he gives. No one can deny this. Absolutley true. I know alot of women say otherwise but ok? What do you do as a woman for the man when it comes to romance in relationships? Allowing him to romance you right? That's pretty much their idea of what they "give" to the man in terms of romance and relationships...
Ometeotl Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Be confident deary, Are you a good person? Do you have your life in order? Do you know whats important to you? If you are letting your entire life be consumed by the simple fact that this man has not shown undue sexual interest then maybe ask yourself, why? Has he shown interest in getting to know you? Have YOU shown interest in getting to know him. This isn't about sex or his shyness, this is about your insecurity of through the feeling that you and the relationship are defined by the way this man desires you sexually and your ability to satisfy his sexual appetite. Luckily those two things do not define who you are as a person, so ya, figure out what does define you and go from there? Cheers to not having sex!
Author Scarlett513 Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 (edited) Musemaj, thanks for the whore comment. I'm not an idiot, I tried the things you mentioned first, and consistently. And I don't think lingerie after 8 months makes a girl a whore. Although, you might be right in that I may just be more sexual than he is. Not a problem, really, as long as he is open to it eventually. Maybe he just needs to feel more comfortable with me before he's comfortable expressing that side of himself. Also, I really liked the suggestion of not defining the relationship in terms of sex. That is wonderful advice that I thank you for Edited December 9, 2010 by Scarlett513
zhsoj Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 WTF? No wonder he thought you were a whore. WTF indeed. To me it sounds like Scarlett513 went to a lot of trouble to be intimate with her partner. Being sexual is part of being human. Don't attempt to tell her that she is somehow wrong for being human. You should be ashamed of yourself.
tylo Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Maybe the guy is Love-Shy. Has the guy had other relationships? Are you his first girlfriend? The few dates that I've had I was too shy to go for the kiss at the end. Although I was invited inside after which could have been a big *hint*. I just made a comment about it getting late and said I had to be going. It's not that I wasn't interested. I was just too shy.
Jannah Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Thanks, Jannah. I don't feel "entitled" to anything and I'm not expecting anyone to "cater" to my emotional needs (although I do believe that any relationship involves an attempt by both parties to meet the other person's needs). I'm willing to make a move - and I thought I already did when I was the one to take the end of date kiss from kiss to makeout (well, sort of... I was trying to move it in that direction but I guess he didn't catch on). But like I said, his shyness makes ME shy. I've been in a relationship before (not my most recent ex, thats a whole other story) that lasted 8 months, and despite my making very direct moves (ie, meeting him at the door in high heels and lingerie), he continually rejected me and eventually told me it was because I was a whore (which I'm definitely not). That relationship ultimately ended because he hit me. Needless to say that situation really rattled me and my self esteem took a major hit. Now I'm worried about being rejected, about him thinking I'm a slut for making a move, or just generally repeating the worst dating experience of my life. Regardless, I already told him flat out that he doesn't need to wait until the end of a date to kiss me, and that I enjoy being physical with him. My "hints" have just been to make more sexual references and stuff, in hopes that he realizes I'm comfortable with that. Showing him you are physically attracted to him, does not make you a "slut". Maybe at this point, since it's still early on into the relationship (1.5 months) focus on spending time together and getting to know each other better and then maybe the physical part will come more naturally. I could be the guy (not really). Few years ago in my mid-20s went on my first ever "date". Went "out" for some 3 months... The why for me: I was shy and inexperienced. Didn't know what the hell was expected of me. Didn't want to be pushy and disrespectful, but knew that I was supposed to be "the man" and make "a move". I didn't feel understood and I couldn't tell her. I couldn't tell what she expected of me at all and I was perpetually confused. I didn't have a chance. OP, we all have stories for why we act the way we act. You are frustrated. Since I can't talk to the dude, you either have to woman up and tell him how you are feeling, or bow out. Maybe at the moment you two just aren't capable of understanding each other enough. I can tell you after my initial failure I tried to be more "aggressive" with the next girl I went out with... Totally blew it as she really wasn't ready to move so "fast" (to be clear, so everyone doesn't think I'm a pushy misogynist or potential rapist, I was only going for a kiss when I so thought the moment was right). Tried to find a balance and understand where she was coming for a few weeks, but finally I realized all my feelings for her had gone and my self-confidence in the romance department totally shot after being turned away so many times. She never told me what she expected, and either she was giving mixed signals, or I was misinterpreting them. In hindsight I think she was really attached to her last relationship and the dude up and vanished on her. The point is that we all have a story. A background for why we are acting the way we are acting right now. You either need to come to an understanding, or don't and part amicably. Agreed. I think the OP is making a valiant attempt to understand, and hopefully she and the man she is dating will evolve into a mutual understanding together. They are not irrational. They are observable facts. The female idea of romance and relationship is the one in which she receives while he gives. No one can deny this. Says you... Your comments have been nothing but disrespectful. The only one who isn't denying it, is YOU.
Author Scarlett513 Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 I'm actually not sure about his relationship history. Since we just started dating, I don't feel inclined to ask and he hasn't mentioned any exes or anything. So while I've assumed that there have been other girlfriends and sexual partners, I could be wrong. As for the notion that all women expect to be romanced and adored, and that no women do any of the romancing themselves, that just isn't true. I love doing romantic things for my boyfriends - I've sent them on scavenger hunts, cooked romantic dinners, bought thoughtful gifts for no reason... In fact, in the majority of my relationships I have been the one doing most of the romancing. That being said, of course I would like a man who is willing to reciprocate. You sound bitter, Musemaj. With that attitude, I'm not surprised there aren't women banging down your door to romance and adore you.
Banega100 Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 OP, im sorry that alot of guys clearly have an agenda on here. Hence, they are accusing you of all things. Guys, the fact of the matter is that we biologically have to demonstrate our assertiveness and aggression in these situations. THATS JUST THE WAY IT IS. So stop lambasting some little lady for her ingrained behaviour and get out there and start ripping those girls clothes of (with consent of course)
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