mike04 Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 I've been dating a girl for about a 9 months, somewhere in the middle she broke up with me because she was confused, but called me a week later and we started dating again. Lately she has been showing little to no interest in me and treating me as more of a friend, yet she still calls it "dating". I was going insane because I really like her, did everything for her, but felt like just a friend. So, I told her we should take a break for a couple weeks. Now, what exactly does this mean for her? Is a break just a period of pretending that you don't know eachother? Does it mean we are going to become friends? (I don't want that) Does it mean that this is probably over? I'm wondering because I think I should have just dumped her. Now it's like we have a deadline where the break is over and we start "hanging out" again. I worry that we will just fall into the same funk where she controls the relationship and still refuses to move forward in a relationship. It's been 4 days and she texted me asking how I'm doing. I'm following the rules of NC and it has been doing me a lot of good. Since I don't look at her FB page or see her anywhere, I have nothing to be jealous about and I've even managed to land a couple phone numbers from new girls in case this relationship wasn't meant to be. I don't have much of an urge to text her back, so I'm not going to. My goal with this "break" is to get her to admit that she misses me and wants to change, but what if 2 weeks isn't a big enough window for that to happen? Do I break up with her when the break ends, prolong the break, or date her one more time to see if things are different? I have a feeling that if I date her, she might act differently at first, but then slowly pull back into the same funk. Also, if I date someone else during this break, do I have to tell her? Thank you very much in advance.
suddendumpee Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 Breaks are useless. Missing someone is not enough to change a person. Especially in 2 weeks time. If you get back together, it will be nice for a while, then the issues will return as you are still the same two people you were before. I think reconciliations can happen...but not after 2 weeks. 2 years would be more feasible.
skydiveaddict Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 Break = you are down the road. Never trust a girl who says that. She doesn't want a "break". She wants a break up. She just doesn't have the guts to tell you honestly.
Author mike04 Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 Break = you are down the road. Never trust a girl who says that. She doesn't want a "break". She wants a break up. She just doesn't have the guts to tell you honestly. It wasn't her who initiated the break, it was me. And I didn't do it because I didn't have the guts to break up with her, I did it because I didn't know 100% whether or not I wanted to break up with her and didn't want to make a mistake. Breaks are useless. Missing someone is not enough to change a person. Especially in 2 weeks time. If you get back together, it will be nice for a while, then the issues will return as you are still the same two people you were before. I think reconciliations can happen...but not after 2 weeks. 2 years would be more feasible. This is what I am thinking. I'm worried that she will lure me down the exact same path once again. I guess I'll have to be the judge of what she has to say when we talk. At that point I'll be in a better place because of the way I'm taking care of myself now, so a simple "I miss you" isn't going to cut it. Is there a way I can lay down some ground rules for her to follow without making it sound like an ultimatum?
fiat500 Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 If you initiated the break the goal for you is to sort out your feelings. The theoretical deadline to a break is about 6-10 weeks or so I read. It doesn't have to follow that though. The whole point is for her to give you space. If she really wants a second chance, would you give it to her? You do need to tell each other where you stand.
Author mike04 Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 (edited) If you initiated the break the goal for you is to sort out your feelings. The theoretical deadline to a break is about 6-10 weeks or so I read. It doesn't have to follow that though. The whole point is for her to give you space. If she really wants a second chance, would you give it to her? You do need to tell each other where you stand. This is exactly what I needed to hear. Thankyou. I think I know where I stand but it's obviously not 100% yet and I shouldn't talk to her until it is. 6-10 weeks sounds like it is necessary for longer term relationships. In my case of only 9 months (or 4 months if you don't include the period before she broke up with me), 2 weeks might be enough time. If not I'll just have to tell her that I need more time. A lot of people seem to think that breaks and being broken up are the same thing and that is why I made this thread. I really don't believe they are the same thing in this particular case. The break was very mutual and we both needed space, not just me. There is no bad blood between us at all and we have never argued about anything in the 9 months I have known her. There are a lot of possible reasons why she hasn't been showing much interest in me. Rather than assuming she has been seeing someone else, I think the correct reason is the simple fact that she didn't take enough time for herself after breaking up with me. She was "confused" and obviously still is. There is nothing more frustrating than dating someone who is confused, and it got to me on a negative level I've never experienced before. She needs to figure out the chaos going on in her brain, and I need to figure out if it's worth waiting for her to sort out the chaos. In the meantime no contact is exactly what I need for myself and what she needs to realize what she could be losing. I'm prepared for a sobbing call of "I miss you" from her and I'm not going to let that bring me back to her as easily as it did 4 months ago. She is really going to have to make it clear that she is going to change the way she approaches the relationship. Edited December 8, 2010 by mike04
Leandro Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 Well it's not that everyone thinks they are the same. Some posters have talked about their ex's wanting "breaks". Later on down the road the "break up" happens. Yes, each case is different, but it could lead to a break up too. During the time that you're on the "break", she could meet someone else or just lose interest in you. I'm just saying. Hopefully it won't happen in this case and yall can work on whatever problem yall have.
TaraMaiden Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 In my opinion, a 'break' is a period of absence form one another, with No Contact, but with the assurance that no other person will be involved, so as to give both people time to digest, reflect and come to personal conclusions. Ross ("Friends") found out, to his cost, that seeing someone on a break was in itself, a deal-breaker, because Rachel went ballistic.....
Fufu Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 my ex breaks up with me, then later on told me he needs a break because he's feeling emotionally stressed out and told me he can't give me any guarrantee when he will recover or coming back to me he has zero idea. Therefore conclusion is break and break up is the same thing..
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 13, 2010 Posted December 13, 2010 What exactly is a "break"? A "break" is how you follow the plot on Jerry Springer, or Maury Povich: If "you are NOT the father!!!" AND the "break" lasted longer than, oh, say, 4 minutes and 25 seconds, then it did NOT, technically, count as cheating. (even though there is a newborn now, and roughly 18 years of support* looming) (*some of which may be demanded of you should you stay with said Springer girl for a few years and begin to raise the kid as your own before she dumps you, even though the kid is not biologically yours)
TaraMaiden Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 :laugh: We have that TVtrash in the UK. Thanks America, for sending us your finest hours.....!
Defiler89 Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 In my experience the so called breaks are very very bad , she will seek out new guys in that process .
fiat500 Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 I think some guys are just as bad when they say they want a break. They probably don't mean it. They're just cowards who can't man up and say they want a break up. But I could be wrong.
homebrew Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 What does it mean when someone wants a break? It's simple really... You just got dumped! What should you do now? Spend some time reading through the forum before you decide to reach out or contact her. I think you will find how best to proceed... What not to do? 1. Getting "Friend Zoned"! 2. Not giving her the space / time to figure it all out! If / when she wants you, she will make it crystal clear that her desire / intention to resume / pursue a relationship with you. Until then... I would suggest learning about the wonderful thing called No Contact!
fiat500 Posted December 14, 2010 Posted December 14, 2010 getting friend zoned by someone you used to date is the worst thing ever.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 :laugh: We have that TVtrash in the UK. Thanks America, for sending us your finest hours.....! And thanks, England, for sending Jerry Springer to America !!! British-born, former mayor of Cincinnati... (sigh)
Trimmer Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 ... So, I told her we should take a break for a couple weeks. Now, what exactly does this mean for her? We cannot answer this here, and anyone that proposes to answer it can't know. One thing about "breaks" is that people are always asking what they mean. Now, you aren't even sure what it means TO YOU, that means she can't possibly know what it means TO YOU, and therefore, you can't possibly know what it means TO HER. Arrrrgh! The way you find out what a break means is, you talk to your partner, and say: "This is what a break means to me, what does it mean to you" and you keep doing this until you come to a meeting of the minds. Otherwise, you don't know, and we can't tell you what it means to her. She is really going to have to make it clear that she is going to change the way she approaches the relationship. Uh, and she's supposed to read your mind on this one? How can you know that she understands this, when you're asking US what SHE thinks a break means? So it's great for everyone to tell you what they think a break means, and that may be useful to help you form your ideas on what you want to do, but please understand that this doesn't help you - in the least - answer what she is thinking. :laugh: We have that TVtrash in the UK. Thanks America, for sending us your finest hours.....! We actually have some pretty fine hours of TV here. We'd be glad to send you some of it, but you only asked for the crap.
TaraMaiden Posted December 15, 2010 Posted December 15, 2010 Trimmer, I'm certain I posted a similar chunk of advice to this OP and then several posts in this thread disappeared. I have no idea why, I also had no report from a Mod, so I really haven't a clue. I've even checked my own posts, and - zip. But the timbre of my posts was basically, that the OP was coming across as somewhat arrogant if he was expecting to be able to call all the shots, leave her in the dark AND expect her to mind-read, or presume she should know what his game-plan was.... Then it all went.... Weird.....
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