Woggle Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 I have said before that I have a friend who sometimes with married women. I do not condone this but I try to be understanding of a man who has been hurt as much as he has. He recently told me about a woman he slept with and it made my stomach turn. Her husband was away for the weekend with the kids and since she did not want to do it in their bedroom they did it in her 9 year old son's bedroom. When I expressed how I feel about this he said if it weren't him it would be somebody else so why not get some easy sex. I love him like a brother but I just can't condone this. It's disgusting and I do not know what to do.
bentnotbroken Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 Woggle Mr. Messy did the same thing. It still turns my stomach. Even in cheating...shouldn't there be a line one doesn't cross? I guess by the actions of so many the answer is no. That woman deserves not to have her child for being so damned selfish.
Author Woggle Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 I just don't get why somebody who has been cheated on three times can turn around and help a person cheat on somebody themselves. He knows the pain of betrayal so why is he helping to inflict it himself?
bentnotbroken Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 I just don't get why somebody who has been cheated on three times can turn around and help a person cheat on somebody themselves. He knows the pain of betrayal so why is he helping to inflict it himself? That is a question I ask myself daily when I see people "paying the pain forward". It seems most people don't want to break the cycle.
hoping2heal Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 I have said before that I have a friend who sometimes with married women. I do not condone this but I try to be understanding of a man who has been hurt as much as he has. He recently told me about a woman he slept with and it made my stomach turn. Her husband was away for the weekend with the kids and since she did not want to do it in their bedroom they did it in her 9 year old son's bedroom. When I expressed how I feel about this he said if it weren't him it would be somebody else so why not get some easy sex. I love him like a brother but I just can't condone this. It's disgusting and I do not know what to do. I have been there. I am really, really against affairs/cheating of any kind etc etc. I cared about the friend and looked up to them, but the more I found out, the more I began to realise how little respect I had for them. There was two options at this point. I continue to try and befriend someone who I have no respect for and can hardly muster up a genuine kind thought about them, or I can end the friendship. I chose the latter. I know that nobody is perfect and I try not to judge people but when it comes to cheating and affairs, I really just cannot do it. There is some behavior that I just lose all respect for a person for, and it wouldn't be right to continue trying to be their "friend" with the kind of feelings I was having. Not at all saying that is what you should do - just letting you know you're not alone in the universe.
Author Woggle Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 That is a question I ask myself daily when I see people "paying the pain forward". It seems most people don't want to break the cycle. I think after his last relationship he just snapped and has no faith in love anymore.
reservoirdog1 Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 (edited) A simple answer would be "a person is known by the company he keeps". That sounds fine only as a pithy maxim, however, and not so useful in practice. As you say, the guy is your close buddy and somebody who'd probably take a bullet for you. I think what you need to do is tell him that, henceforth, you don't want to hear about his exploits with married women. Tell him that you're not judging him, and that you're his friend come hell or high water, but you disagree with what he's doing because it's dishonourable and because there are innocent people who stand to get hurt due to his actions. Tell him that when he's dating or sleeping with a woman who's single, you'll be 100% in his corner and happy to talk about it, but you're not going to be his support or his potential accomplice in this kind of situation. If he starts to get pissy when you say that, tell him that, as far as you're concerned, the subject is closed and needn't be brought up again. If he insists on being pissy about it, reinforce that you are NOT taking issue with him, just with what he's doing. Ask him what kind of friend you'd be to him if you weren't there to give him your honest opinion. He could conceivably give you the cold shoulder for a few weeks after this. But he'll probably come around -- just make sure that you're upbeat and your old self around him after that, as long as he adheres to the rules, and act like it never happened. I just don't get why somebody who has been cheated on three times can turn around and help a person cheat on somebody themselves. He knows the pain of betrayal so why is he helping to inflict it himself? An excellent question, and one I can't answer. I've wondered that myself. Edited December 8, 2010 by reservoirdog1
What_Next Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 Woggle, I don't evny your position. If you do love him like a brother, my suggestion? Drop the guy. Beat the living s__t out of him and tell him you won't stand for that. Boy that's tough. As a BS I can tell you that if any of my close friends EVER tells me they are comitting adultry our friendship takes an instant back seat. You know what you have to do.
bentnotbroken Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 I think after his last relationship he just snapped and has no faith in love anymore. I think there are a lot people who have snapped things going on. They go through life lusting after the next greatest thing...some call it love, others are like your friend.
aerogurl87 Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 He had sex in her son's room? I'm sorry but reading that makes me want to vomit. Cheating is bad enough (I cheated on one person once and will forever regret it) but that is just lower than low. Do you really want to be associated with someone like this Woggle? Because although I highly doubt you'd cheat on your lovely wife, when people hang around people who are known to be cheaters, one of two things usually happens. 1) The non-cheating friend gets a reputation for condoning such behaviour via their friendship or 2) the cheating friend tries to influence their friends to follow in their footsteps. I'm all for forgiveness because no one is perfect, but if I were you I wouldn't be able to stomach talking to such a person who has such little respect for others or themselves. Ultimately it's up to you, but I'd have to either cut my ties to him completely or distance myself by laying down a ground rule that I don't want to hear about his exploits.
Spark1111 Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 I think after his last relationship he just snapped and has no faith in love anymore. Well, then eventually he too can be shot by an enraged husband. If you love him like a brother, than talk tough to him like one. My brother would to me. He needs to find out why he is engaging in such risky, compulsive and dangerous behavior. We see over and over here those who have been cheated on go on to cheat. I cannot wrap my head around the pathology that allows one to inflict the same devastating pain on others that they were once subjected to. Two wrongs making a right. And I love:rolleyes: that line "If it wasn't me, it would be someone else, so why not me?" That is the height of self-entitled justification. Something an immature teenager would reason if they found a wallet with money in it and kept it.
Author Woggle Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 I don't want to be associated with somebody like this but this is the same guy who let me sleep on his couch when I was down and out and I don't forget things like that. He wasn't always like this and part of me wants to believe it is just a phase after one too many betrayals.
bentnotbroken Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 I don't want to be associated with somebody like this but this is the same guy who let me sleep on his couch when I was down and out and I don't forget things like that. He wasn't always like this and part of me wants to believe it is just a phase after one too many betrayals. Pray for him Wogs. I do believe people can change, but I hope it isn't too late or he meets the wrong BS.
seren Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 I have a very good friend who had an A. I am the only person she has told. I shared with her that I am an XBS, she was astounded and asked if I hated her for what she had done. Well, no I don't, she is still my very good friend, I have said that if the A was happening now or if she had another, I wouldn't be able to remain friends with her and her husband as they are friends of both me and my H. We have talked about the why's and wherefore's and while I understand what was going on in her marriage at the time needed fixing, I have told her that, IMO, having an A was not the way. Thing is, I am sure I have done things in my life that for some people crosses a line, if they know and choose to remain friends with me, then good, if not, then fine, move on. I find the idea of sleeping with someone in my child's bed and having sex very distasteful, I wouldn't do that even with my H. Only you know what you are confortable with knowing or being involved with. Personally, I am not a fair weather friend, if I don't like something I say, if someone makes me feel I am compromising my values I decide if I am happy to be involved with them. For my friend, I judge her on the value she brings to my life and others, I can listen to her, without agreeing with her and she understand exactly where I am coming from. if it makes you unhappy, then tell your friend and make that decision of whether you want them to be in your life - simples
carhill Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 I just don't get why somebody who has been cheated on three times can turn around and help a person cheat on somebody themselves. He knows the pain of betrayal so why is he helping to inflict it himself? IMO, he lost his soul. Hopefully, in time, with reflection, he can find it again. I've known people like this, both men and women. It's a path, one of many we can choose in life. If he's really a friend, don't mince words with him. Tough love. Maybe you can help him recover his soul and self-respect. That's what a good man does for another.
Spark1111 Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 IMO, he lost his soul. Hopefully, in time, with reflection, he can find it again. I've known people like this, both men and women. It's a path, one of many we can choose in life. If he's really a friend, don't mince words with him. Tough love. Maybe you can help him recover his soul and self-respect. That's what a good man does for another. Great advice! Woggle I too love my friends with a fierce loyalty! But that does not mean we do not speak truth to each other, as harsh and as painful as it may be to hear! Tell him your concerns for his emotional and physical health, safety and well-being in a no nonsense tone. If he had a drug, alcohol, or gambling addiction and was spiraling you would have surely taken some tough love stances with him by now. How is this any different? It kills me how men can turn blind and dumb when their best buddy is getting lots of sex from a variety of women..... in their homes....in their children's beds....when some jealous H is just a violent act away from hurting or murdering them..... Because they are "getting lucky" makes this behavior any less dangerous? I don't think so!
freestyle Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 Hey Wogs....... Is this the same friend you started a thread about , maybe a year ago? The one who was recently divorced, bitter--and trying to talk you into being a player as well? The one who tried to stir up drama between you & your wife? If it is the same guy............I think you might really want to consider re-evaluating your friendship with him........ Maybe the best thing for him is to let him hit rock bottom. Don't let him drag you down with him.
sally4sara Posted December 8, 2010 Posted December 8, 2010 Your friend knows he is doing wrong. If he didn't, he be hitting on your wife and other friends' wives. If he doesn't then you know he knows its wrong. He got cheated on? He knows how it hurts. So when he is targeting married women its like he doesn't want other guys to be happy if he can't be happy too. Selfish. Remember when I said giving someone an orgasm out of revenge is an odd punishment to give someone you claim to dislike or hate? He can't be targeting married women to punish the women. So really he is targeting families. The husband and any children the married women have. He wants the feckless married women to get caught out for who she is and isn't caring too much about the pain of the husband and kids. If his happiness was dashed, he wants other men to have it happen to them too. Might she do the same with someone else if your friend avoided her? Perhaps. So why does HE want to be the one? About the only thing I can say for him is if he is still hurt and angry at women inside, he isn't ready to trust one in a relationship. Is he targeting married women who respond to him to avoid seeing a single one?
Author Woggle Posted December 8, 2010 Author Posted December 8, 2010 Hey Wogs....... Is this the same friend you started a thread about , maybe a year ago? The one who was recently divorced, bitter--and trying to talk you into being a player as well? The one who tried to stir up drama between you & your wife? If it is the same guy............I think you might really want to consider re-evaluating your friendship with him........ Maybe the best thing for him is to let him hit rock bottom. Don't let him drag you down with him. That friend is out of my life because disrespecting and hitting on my wife is a no no. This guy has been a friend since high school and we were even roomates at one point. He has been cheated on three times in a row by different women and he says he has had it. He wants to be a player now and plans to use women the way they used him.
Author Woggle Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 Another thing he told me is that we are no different because of how I bought my house. I bought a repossessed house very cheap and it is a really nice house. He slept with a married woman and he says that both of us are benefiting off of other's pain so we are no different. Is he right?
Bryanp Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 The analogy is so ridiculous it is not worth even commenting on.
bentnotbroken Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Another thing he told me is that we are no different because of how I bought my house. I bought a repossessed house very cheap and it is a really nice house. He slept with a married woman and he says that both of us are benefiting off of other's pain so we are no different. Is he right? No woggle he isn't right. A house is a thing without emotion. A woman(or man) being used has emotion and misuse of those emotions cause pain. You are not the same as this person. He is seeking out others to hurt because he is still hurting. Instead of dealing with his issues, he has decided to make his issues everyone who comes into contact with him. Just as he was a nice guy who was done wrong...he has decided to hurt others(MW's child by defiling his room and his home).
freestyle Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Another thing he told me is that we are no different because of how I bought my house. I bought a repossessed house very cheap and it is a really nice house. He slept with a married woman and he says that both of us are benefiting off of other's pain so we are no different. Is he right? Do you think he's right? Myself, I think it's a load of hooey.That's absolutely two different categories there. So, he's implying that your moral compass is just as skewed as his is, because you bought a foreclosed house????Absurd. For one--YOU didn't CAUSE the pain &suffering of the people who lost their house. His actions are directly contributing to another person's pain, if the affair is discovered. The kind of pain that can last for years......... Yes, it's tragic to lose a house.IMO, it's far more tragic when an innocent party loses their ability to trust, because they were betrayed by the one person who promised to be faithful to them.Those scars can last a lifetime. It demonstrates just how far he'll go to try to justify his actions.......in the classic style of a cheater. Actually what he did with that statement is called 'leveling'--it's a type of manipulation tactic, used to deflect being held accountable for one's actions. Effectively, he took the spotlight off of himself and turned it on you... "well you're no better than me, because you......'XYZ'.........." And suddenly YOU'RE the one put in the position of defending yourself. And by presuming that you're on the same level as him, he's implying that you have no right to have an opinion about his actions. It's insidious, and it's very easy to fall for that tactic, until you (general you) learn to recognize it for what it is, while it's happening. Here's a really good description of leveling as a manipulation tactic, if you're interested :http://counsellingresource.com/features/2009/04/01/leveling-as-manipulation-tactic/
TaraMaiden Posted December 9, 2010 Posted December 9, 2010 Woggle, consider this: The Dalai lama has infinite developped compassion for the Chinese and their government. he would, however, not be wiling to take tea with them, any time soon. In other words, you can still have feelings for the guy, but refuse to associate with his ideals: you can and are legitimately entitled to say to him: 'You're a pal, and a good one, but don't ask me to condone or approve of what you do. it's manipulation and simply an end to your own selfish, self-serving means. Don't tell me about it, I don't want to know'. And let me ask you this: He was good to you when you were down and out. Just how far does that 'repayment for kindness' have to extend, before you realise it's not all good, healthy or even a requirement? When does your "thanks for everything" become sufficient? ....or do you believe you still 'owe him'? (It's like making an apology and amends. How far, and how often does a person have to go in their apology and amends, before people ease up from condemning them non-stop? I mean, at one point or another, the 'debt' should be repaid, right? See what I mean?)
Author Woggle Posted December 9, 2010 Author Posted December 9, 2010 I thought it was absurd. The ironic thing is that he used to hate one of his exes OM with a passion and he doesn't realize he is just as bad.
Recommended Posts