lolarose Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Hi everyone! Need some advice here. Im a little too emotionally involved here to see clearly so hopefully you guys can sympathize, analyze, or whatever it is you do best:D I am not one for "dating", especially on dating websites but Ive been laying low for a year after a long string of rejection that really took a toll on me. I decided I would step out of my comfort zone and do things a little differently. Go on a dating website. Go on some dates just for fun, not take them seriously. After all, I could NEVER fall for someone I just met from a dating website! This guy caught my eye, totally my type, so i "winked" at him. Well, he proceeded to reply with a sweet, eager response, shocked and flattered that someone "like me" (?) could ever be interested in him. We decided to meet up. I was reluctant but he was SO cute and we had so much in common. I usually like a chase and this guy was eager so I couldnt really get excited. Well, it was freaking love at first sight. mutually. we were kissing 20 mins into the date. i thought i was dreaming. but i knew i deserved it after all the heartache id been through. finally, a man who was up front and into me. he expressed that he was looking for something long term and he hates "dating" and one night stands. he said hes only slept with girlfriends and cannot sleep with anyone unless he has feelings for them. was only on the dating site for the same reason i was. not taking it seriously. we were both blown away by each other. he was so eager and affectionate, making plans for our next date and beyond. i wasnt aloof, but he was definitely "leading". i went along with it as i felt exactly the same way as he did. he didnt want to let me go that night. holding my hand and saying he couldnt wait 5 days til our next date. i assured him i wasnt going anywhere and not to worry.: ) he didnt even insinuate going back to one of our places which i thought was respectful. he was a total gentleman and was like a little puppy dog. he kept asking if i had been hurt recently because he sensed me having a bit of a wall up. i assured him that i just am like that at first since i just met him. he totally understood. he was just clingier than me. The next morning he texted me saying he had a great time and he hoped he didnt scare me off. i said i had fun as well and to stop worrying about scaring me off. he said he couldnt wait for our date and was looking forward to it..etc.. Since he was so eager to see me before Wed and I told him I probably couldnt, I decided to be sweet and surprise him with a text on Tues to see if he wanted to join me to see my friend's band play a small gig. he said hed have to get back to me cause he may be shooting a video with his band. i told him "no worries!". since i figured id see him the next day. he texted me waaay later that night apologizing about not being able to make it and that it looked like theyd also be shooting tomorrow, so our date was cancelled. he said he was upset and wanted to see me badly Still thinking this guy was head over heels, i assured him it was totally ok and we would get together another time soon. i told him to have fun shooting! He didnt call for 2 days so I shot him a text Thurs afternoon asking how the shoot went and if he wanted to re-try our date at the museum sometime that weekend. he said that was an awesome idea but would have to check his schedule and would get back to me. then i joked "haha now i feel im scaring you away! dont worry about making a major date if youre busy, lets just grab a drink real quick. no big deal. he responded "no no no! you could never scare me! i want to see you pretty badly actually. what about sat night? or actually how bout tonight?" i told him tonight was fine and i wasnt sure about sat. we hung out at his place, cooked dinner. i met his dog who is his best friend. he kept saying how he wants us to cook together more and how his dog "loves" me. : ) We watched a movie and talked and cuddled. We never touched on taboo subjects. Everything was light and fun and he was always planning stuff for us to do in the future. we never mentioned ex's except in passing like oh my ex got me into that band...maybe a mention of that here and there but nothing serious or deep. WELL I had been in a dry spell for 3 YEARS (having only slept with boyfriends) and we had sex. I kinda instigated it but it was mostly mutual. We were so attracted to each other and we both let the other know that we dont normally do this. It was amazing and he held me and slept on me afterward, holding my hand all night. I was off the next day and he had work early so he told me i was welcome to stay at his place and sleep in and stay all day if i really wanted to. i thanked himbut told him i needed to run errands. We woke up, he pulled my hand around him and held my hand to his heart/chest and sighed. kissed my arms, etc... made me coffee. i was a little quiet because i was tired and i had some work things on my mind and was worrying about the day. he was a little quiet too. he walked his dog while i got dressed and when he got back he got distant and weird. he was ambivalent about getting together again and had to "check his schedule". i expressed wanting to see him again but i didnt get clingy. He didnt call. 4 days passed. before we had sex he talked about us biking to go see this movie we were both psyched to see. so....since 4 days had passed, i texted him asking if he would like to some day that weekend. he said "that sounds cool, i def want to see that." so i thought ok cool...and i let thanksgiving go by. So another 3 days went by and it was Sat. didnt hear from him so I left a breezy msg that afternoon on his voicemail saying that i was going to go to that movie if he would like to join. No response. Nothing. Ignored. This was 2 weeks ago. I am in a daze. The guy who was so afraid he would scare me off - just got scared off! by me! WTF. The best part is he is on the dating site - OFTEN. he even expanded his profile to include that he is just looking for love and wants a serious relationship. UM. SO DO I. HE KNOWS THAT. Although he is always on, he shows up as not being very "active", as in not sending or receiving many messages. just lurking a lot i guess.
SmileFace Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Awww, I am so sorry hun. Just move on. Don't try to figure what may be going on with his life or anything. Or blame this on yourself. Just count your losses and move on.
Author lolarose Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 Thanks SmileFace! Unfortunately, I am afraid I DID do something. Him being on the dating site all the time and updating his profile makes me feel like he crossed me off his proverbial "list" and was like NEXT
Fionah Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Hi everyone! Need some advice here. Im a little too emotionally involved here to see clearly so hopefully you guys can sympathize, analyze, or whatever it is you do best:D I am not one for "dating", especially on dating websites but Ive been laying low for a year after a long string of rejection that really took a toll on me. I decided I would step out of my comfort zone and do things a little differently. Go on a dating website. Go on some dates just for fun, not take them seriously. After all, I could NEVER fall for someone I just met from a dating website! This guy caught my eye, totally my type, so i "winked" at him. Well, he proceeded to reply with a sweet, eager response, shocked and flattered that someone "like me" (?) could ever be interested in him. We decided to meet up. I was reluctant but he was SO cute and we had so much in common. I usually like a chase and this guy was eager so I couldnt really get excited. Well, it was freaking love at first sight. mutually. we were kissing 20 mins into the date. i thought i was dreaming. but i knew i deserved it after all the heartache id been through. finally, a man who was up front and into me. he expressed that he was looking for something long term and he hates "dating" and one night stands. he said hes only slept with girlfriends and cannot sleep with anyone unless he has feelings for them. was only on the dating site for the same reason i was. not taking it seriously. we were both blown away by each other. he was so eager and affectionate, making plans for our next date and beyond. i wasnt aloof, but he was definitely "leading". i went along with it as i felt exactly the same way as he did. he didnt want to let me go that night. holding my hand and saying he couldnt wait 5 days til our next date. i assured him i wasnt going anywhere and not to worry.: ) he didnt even insinuate going back to one of our places which i thought was respectful. he was a total gentleman and was like a little puppy dog. he kept asking if i had been hurt recently because he sensed me having a bit of a wall up. i assured him that i just am like that at first since i just met him. he totally understood. he was just clingier than me. The next morning he texted me saying he had a great time and he hoped he didnt scare me off. i said i had fun as well and to stop worrying about scaring me off. he said he couldnt wait for our date and was looking forward to it..etc.. Since he was so eager to see me before Wed and I told him I probably couldnt, I decided to be sweet and surprise him with a text on Tues to see if he wanted to join me to see my friend's band play a small gig. he said hed have to get back to me cause he may be shooting a video with his band. i told him "no worries!". since i figured id see him the next day. he texted me waaay later that night apologizing about not being able to make it and that it looked like theyd also be shooting tomorrow, so our date was cancelled. he said he was upset and wanted to see me badly Still thinking this guy was head over heels, i assured him it was totally ok and we would get together another time soon. i told him to have fun shooting! He didnt call for 2 days so I shot him a text Thurs afternoon asking how the shoot went and if he wanted to re-try our date at the museum sometime that weekend. he said that was an awesome idea but would have to check his schedule and would get back to me. then i joked "haha now i feel im scaring you away! dont worry about making a major date if youre busy, lets just grab a drink real quick. no big deal. he responded "no no no! you could never scare me! i want to see you pretty badly actually. what about sat night? or actually how bout tonight?" i told him tonight was fine and i wasnt sure about sat. we hung out at his place, cooked dinner. i met his dog who is his best friend. he kept saying how he wants us to cook together more and how his dog "loves" me. : ) We watched a movie and talked and cuddled. We never touched on taboo subjects. Everything was light and fun and he was always planning stuff for us to do in the future. we never mentioned ex's except in passing like oh my ex got me into that band...maybe a mention of that here and there but nothing serious or deep. WELL I had been in a dry spell for 3 YEARS (having only slept with boyfriends) and we had sex. I kinda instigated it but it was mostly mutual. We were so attracted to each other and we both let the other know that we dont normally do this. It was amazing and he held me and slept on me afterward, holding my hand all night. I was off the next day and he had work early so he told me i was welcome to stay at his place and sleep in and stay all day if i really wanted to. i thanked himbut told him i needed to run errands. We woke up, he pulled my hand around him and held my hand to his heart/chest and sighed. kissed my arms, etc... made me coffee. i was a little quiet because i was tired and i had some work things on my mind and was worrying about the day. he was a little quiet too. he walked his dog while i got dressed and when he got back he got distant and weird. he was ambivalent about getting together again and had to "check his schedule". i expressed wanting to see him again but i didnt get clingy. He didnt call. 4 days passed. before we had sex he talked about us biking to go see this movie we were both psyched to see. so....since 4 days had passed, i texted him asking if he would like to some day that weekend. he said "that sounds cool, i def want to see that." so i thought ok cool...and i let thanksgiving go by. So another 3 days went by and it was Sat. didnt hear from him so I left a breezy msg that afternoon on his voicemail saying that i was going to go to that movie if he would like to join. No response. Nothing. Ignored. This was 2 weeks ago. I am in a daze. The guy who was so afraid he would scare me off - just got scared off! by me! WTF. The best part is he is on the dating site - OFTEN. he even expanded his profile to include that he is just looking for love and wants a serious relationship. UM. SO DO I. HE KNOWS THAT. Although he is always on, he shows up as not being very "active", as in not sending or receiving many messages. just lurking a lot i guess. Sounds like a typical "player" to me. And if you see that he is still online "often" that means he is prob not that "into you". I would not pursue this. You can do better. Onto the next one...
Fionah Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Thanks SmileFace! Unfortunately, I am afraid I DID do something. Him being on the dating site all the time and updating his profile makes me feel like he crossed me off his proverbial "list" and was like NEXT Sounds like he was just looking to get sex. When a guy is looking for more than sex he will stick around.
SmileFace Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Thanks SmileFace! Unfortunately, I am afraid I DID do something. Him being on the dating site all the time and updating his profile makes me feel like he crossed me off his proverbial "list" and was like NEXT It was you . It is also going to be the next girl he does this to. Or the girl he did it to before . Please stop trying to look for an answer . When there is none. You didn't nothing wrong. People just have different ways of reaching their goals. Please forget him and move on. Block his online profile and stop over analyzing. I know this isn't easy but it is the best. Sorry again
Mme. Chaucer Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 I'm sorry. That is so terribly painful. I believe what you "did" was sleep with him too early. BUT, and this is most important! If he is that type of guy who is "head over heels" until he has sex with a woman, he is NOT really good boyfriend material for you. So, it's not your "fault," that guy is who he is and you found out. For your own self protection, though, it might be better for you not to go to that intimate place so quickly in the future. And, for the record, I think the guy is an asshat for not responding to you. Coward!
Fionah Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 I'm sorry. That is so terribly painful. I believe what you "did" was sleep with him too early. BUT, and this is most important! If he is that type of guy who is "head over heels" until he has sex with a woman, he is NOT really good boyfriend material for you. Sex takes two. I hate that if a woman sleeps with a man "too soon" than she should feel badly about herself. BS!
tigressA Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Wow, this guy's good. He's a major-league player. If you hadn't slept with him when you did, these things likely would've happened: 1. He would've kept pursuing you until you did sleep with him, then disappear. 2. He would've rejected you for not sleeping with him early on. Like SmileFace said, there's no use looking for an answer. Just move on. I've had this happen to me a couple of times and while it sucks at first, it'll suck even more for you if you spend any more time trying to get a bead on where things went wrong.
Fionah Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Wow, this guy's good. He's a major-league player. If you hadn't slept with him when you did, these things likely would've happened: 1. He would've kept pursuing you until you did sleep with him, then disappear. 2. He would've rejected you for not sleeping with him early on. Like SmileFace said, there's no use looking for an answer. Just move on. I've had this happen to me a couple of times and while it sucks at first, it'll suck even more for you if you spend any more time trying to get a bead on where things went wrong. 100% correct.
O'Malley Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 he was so eager and affectionate, making plans for our next date and beyond. i wasnt aloof, but he was definitely "leading" Too much intensity and planning far too early on. You seemed to be doing most of the contacting and getting 'busy' signals, him not initiating or making plans, until he invited you to his house. Chalk it up to one of life's lessons and move on. The worst thing you could do at this point is to give him any more of your attention. Posters with online dating experience can warn you about the player hazards but as with regular dating -- be cautious about anyone who is overly affectionate or makes quick claims of commitment early on. Go on actual dates when you're still getting acquainted, even if it's just a stroll in the park, instead of hanging out at someone's house. Does he initiate and make an effort to spend time with you (not making out/having sex) or is he vaguely 'busy'? Do his words and actions line up?
musemaj11 Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Sex takes two. I hate that if a woman sleeps with a man "too soon" than she should feel badly about herself. BS! You got that right. She said it herself that she was the one who pounced on him after not getting sex for 3 years. The way I see it they both used each other for sex.
Author lolarose Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 thanks everyone. unfortunately, ive never had this NOT happen to me. This is why I know it is something I did. This guy is not a player. Trust me, I can smell them after 10 years of unsuccessful dating. lol. As a matter of a fact, this time around I felt like it was him thinking that I was the player. Since he is so hung up on love and being in love and not having flings, I feel like he maybe cant trust that I dont do this with every guy I meet. I know in my own head that I rarely even have sex, but he doesnt. My friends think he thinks im a slut and doesnt want to pursue a relationship with me because of that. Im used to it being the other way around....like you guys are mentioning. AND BTW I totally agree with the whole player thing. like if a guy is only after sex hes just gonna dump u when he gets it, be in 2 dates or 6 mos. In this case, I feel like I just disappointed him. he had me on this pedestal and I feel like I ended up being not what he expected. hmmph.
musemaj11 Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 thanks everyone. unfortunately, ive never had this NOT happen to me. This is why I know it is something I did. This guy is not a player. Trust me, I can smell them after 10 years of unsuccessful dating. lol. As a matter of a fact, this time around I felt like it was him thinking that I was the player. Since he is so hung up on love and being in love and not having flings, I feel like he maybe cant trust that I dont do this with every guy I meet. I know in my own head that I rarely even have sex, but he doesnt. My friends think he thinks im a slut and doesnt want to pursue a relationship with me because of that. Im used to it being the other way around....like you guys are mentioning. AND BTW I totally agree with the whole player thing. like if a guy is only after sex hes just gonna dump u when he gets it, be in 2 dates or 6 mos. In this case, I feel like I just disappointed him. he had me on this pedestal and I feel like I ended up being not what he expected. hmmph. Maybe you are right. But I understand, after 3 years you must be so thirsty.
Fionah Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 thanks everyone. unfortunately, ive never had this NOT happen to me. This is why I know it is something I did. This guy is not a player. Trust me, I can smell them after 10 years of unsuccessful dating. lol. As a matter of a fact, this time around I felt like it was him thinking that I was the player. Since he is so hung up on love and being in love and not having flings, I feel like he maybe cant trust that I dont do this with every guy I meet. I know in my own head that I rarely even have sex, but he doesnt. My friends think he thinks im a slut and doesnt want to pursue a relationship with me because of that. Im used to it being the other way around....like you guys are mentioning. AND BTW I totally agree with the whole player thing. like if a guy is only after sex hes just gonna dump u when he gets it, be in 2 dates or 6 mos. In this case, I feel like I just disappointed him. he had me on this pedestal and I feel like I ended up being not what he expected. hmmph. he slept with you too! I see it as a case of "hes not that into you"
Author lolarose Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 Maybe you are right. But I understand, after 3 years you must be so thirsty. hahah yes. totally. ive also only slept with a few guys in my entire life. i told him this but then i talked to my slutty friend and shes like "oh ive said that to guys too". lol. so how does he know he can believe me. lol Honestly, that makes the most sense to me now that i think of it. def not a player. you know when you just can tell? i can. This makes me feel like ****. He kept saying "i didnt think this would happen". (the sex) That makes me feel even more like my theory might be correct:confused: But still! To not give me a chance?! to ignore me?! His dating profile says Message me if: You have laid to rest past boyfriend issues" Guh? Did he sense i had ex issues? wha? I agree we should have gone on more dates. But I had no doubt in my mind we would be dating and wed prob go out on tons of dates. he suggested his house but he also offered up the option of going out. i chose staying in cause i was tired. I still wish i could start over with him. I didnt know i was going to get like this over someone i just met....on a dating site! my friend suggests I wait another week and be cute and send him a msg on the site saying something like "can we start over? hi, my names so and so" maybe ill try that. i jsut cant wrap my head around what just happened. he was like your typical "good guy" that just wants love - the kinda character you often see as the underdog in a romantic comedy. lol he was smitten! and i ruined it! GAH!
Fionah Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 hahah yes. totally. ive also only slept with a few guys in my entire life. i told him this but then i talked to my slutty friend and shes like "oh ive said that to guys too". lol. so how does he know he can believe me. lol Honestly, that makes the most sense to me now that i think of it. def not a player. you know when you just can tell? i can. This makes me feel like ****. He kept saying "i didnt think this would happen". (the sex) That makes me feel even more like my theory might be correct:confused: But still! To not give me a chance?! to ignore me?! His dating profile says Message me if: You have laid to rest past boyfriend issues" Guh? Did he sense i had ex issues? wha? I agree we should have gone on more dates. But I had no doubt in my mind we would be dating and wed prob go out on tons of dates. he suggested his house but he also offered up the option of going out. i chose staying in cause i was tired. I still wish i could start over with him. I didnt know i was going to get like this over someone i just met....on a dating site! my friend suggests I wait another week and be cute and send him a msg on the site saying something like "can we start over? hi, my names so and so" maybe ill try that. i jsut cant wrap my head around what just happened. he was like your typical "good guy" that just wants love - the kinda character you often see as the underdog in a romantic comedy. lol he was smitten! and i ruined it! GAH! you didn't "ruin" anything. He is a PLAYER. Everything you told us has "player stamp" all over it.
Author lolarose Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 oh and please stop with the "hes just not that into you". i mean thats pretty obvious at this point. what drives me nuts is that if that saying is true, that means that no man has ever been into me in my entire life. thats too depressing to believe, albeit impossible. what drives me nuts is im always the ambivalent one and theyre the ones following me like a puppy. ive lost guys by chasing in the past, ive lost guys by being too aloof. with this guy, i just went with the flow and was normal. the question here was more of a WHY is he not that into me so suddenly. that whole phrase is ridiculous. if someone were to analyze my parents relationship, my best friends relationship, among MANY others, they would chalk it up to "hes not that into you" and you know what? If they had given up because of that, these beautiful relationships would have never been given a shot.
Fionah Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 oh and please stop with the "hes just not that into you". i mean thats pretty obvious at this point. what drives me nuts is that if that saying is true, that means that no man has ever been into me in my entire life. thats too depressing to believe, albeit impossible. what drives me nuts is im always the ambivalent one and theyre the ones following me like a puppy. ive lost guys by chasing in the past, ive lost guys by being too aloof. with this guy, i just went with the flow and was normal. the question here was more of a WHY is he not that into me so suddenly. that whole phrase is ridiculous. if someone were to analyze my parents relationship, my best friends relationship, among MANY others, they would chalk it up to "hes not that into you" and you know what? If they had given up because of that, these beautiful relationships would have never been given a shot. In MY opinion when a man is TRULY into a woman he doesn't disappear before or AFTER sex. So to me it appears that he is a player that got what he wanted and now he ISN'T into you.
musemaj11 Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 hahah yes. totally. ive also only slept with a few guys in my entire life. i told him this but then i talked to my slutty friend and shes like "oh ive said that to guys too". lol. so how does he know he can believe me. lol Well, at least now you have got that out of your system and next time you should be able to hold it for another 3 years.
Fionah Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Well, at least now you have got that out of your system and next time you should be able to hold it for another 3 years. You like to gauge for a reaction, huh?lol
musemaj11 Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 You like to gauge for a reaction, huh?lol Hey, I just dont want her to get even more depressed with depressing comments.
Author lolarose Posted December 7, 2010 Author Posted December 7, 2010 In MY opinion when a man is TRULY into a woman he doesn't disappear before or AFTER sex. So to me it appears that he is a player that got what he wanted and now he ISN'T into you. i totally agree with that. a lot of great relationships i know of started with sex, and theyre together because both parties wanted more than that. i guess i am just kicking myself because, upon further though, i feel like he thought I was the player and that took me off my pedestal. when wed fool around or when hed kiss me hed seem self-conscious and ask me if i was into it. i was. but i know what he meant. he meant was into it in my HEART. I can tell you i am 100% positive that this guy is not a player. even when we were done and were going to bed, he seemed hurt that i didnt immediately cuddle. he wouldnt let me go even when i had to pee. lol. he was so needy, but it was sweet, since im so used to guys....well....guys that do THIS but guys that you expect to do THIS. This is why I am still in such shock. I am starting to think i need to contact him so we can clear some things up.
SmileFace Posted December 7, 2010 Posted December 7, 2010 Or!, he is such a player that he got you to think he is not a player. Lol this kind messed up. When I say this.....
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